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Parenting Differently Than Your Parents Did

Student Story: Caleb

Being “relational” with your kid doesn’t mean you should become their best friend! This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston argues that there’s a way to connect more without sacrificing your authority as a parent. Learn how discipline and training can actually strengthen your relationship with your teen as they mature.

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The Cure for the Diva Syndrome

Mom and dad, don’t look now, but a dangerous infection might be running rampant in your home. This contagion can infiltrate your life, gain control, and rule your family with sarcasm and incessant demands. Now, you may not recognize this disease at first. That’s because this fiendish infection disguises itself, using your teen as its innocent host. The scientific name of this virus is bratticus narcissitcus; but my friend Bill Ziegler (a school district superintendent) calls it, “The Diva Syndrome.” And it can wreak untold damage on your home and family.

All kidding aside, many parents are facing teens who exhibit narcissistic and self-absorbed characteristics. Their children wake up every day with one thought: “What is everybody going to do for me today?” But here’s the truth; all teens are pre-disposed to be divas! It’s part of our sinful nature to think that everyone is working for me and everything is “Mine!” No one has to teach us to be selfish. We’re born that way. Just watch how toddlers reach for every toy they see and get upset when they don’t get what they want.

Perhaps the symptoms of selfishness, pride, and conceit aren’t that pronounced in your teen. Maybe it’s just a phrase, right? Wrong! A me-first outlook is not something teens simply grow out of. And when your son or daughter carries this selfish attitude into the next stage of life, the consequences are a lot more severe.

So how can you transform that selfish diva into a caring person? Here’s a few practical pointers.

Make It Uncomfortable

I get it. As moms and dads we want to give our kids the best things in life. If we didn’t have it growing up, we want to make sure our kids do. However, we have to be careful. Provision can quickly transform into enabling. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves, “If I give this to my teen, will it help her become a responsible adult or enable her to be a pampered kid?”

Sure, you can give your sixteen-year-old a car when she gets her license. But would handing over the keys teach her a valuable lesson about working and saving? Instead of taking your teen to the dealership, strike up a deal. You’ll pay for half of the car, and they have to pay the other half. This method is not as comfortable or as easy as simply giving a teenager what they want, but in this way, we’re actually helping our kids. We’re giving them the opportunity to gain necessary skills for the future. We’re training them to do the hard work that it takes to get what they want. And don’t you think your daughter will appreciate that car all the more because it’s her money that helped pay for it? You bet!

If you are providing for your teen’s every need and want: Stop! You’re simply feeding the diva syndrome! Push your teens out of the center of their universe by giving them assignments around the house to pay for cell phones, earn money for sneakers, and save for the class trip. Or encourage them to take an after-school job in order to provide for themselves in some capacity. Let them feel the satisfaction of hard work and reward. Stop enabling your child and you’ll train them out of their inner diva.

Share Those Feelings

The classic symptom of a diva is a callous disregard for other people’s feelings. A teenager displays this nastier side when they treat others with scorn or derision, or are rude and sarcastic. But insensitive behavior doesn’t mean your teen is missing a heart. We’re all born with the ability to empathize, but like a muscle, if we don’t exercise it, our empathy atrophies.

I know parents who have told me, “My kid is my whole world.” That’s a dangerous value system, moms and dads. When we allow our kids to be the center of the universe, we’re not giving them the opportunity to place other’s feelings and concerns above their own. And so that empathy muscle stagnates and is replaced by a superiority complex. Philippians 2:3 tells us, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” This is a needed lesson we can help our teens live out.

When disrespect rears its ugly head, point out the negative behaviors your teen is displaying, and describe how they make you feel. Start by saying something like, “You cannot call me stupid. Not only is that extremely hurtful to hear from someone I care about, it’s disrespectful. It makes me feel like my opinions and values are not important.” Explain how insults, put-downs, and sarcastic remarks can damage other people.

Let your teen practice empathy in the home as often as possible. A friend of mine came up with an ingenious way to give the compassion muscles in his kids a workout. He told each of his sons that before they could take a girl out on a date, they had to take their mom out first. They had to open doors, pay for meals, engage in conversation, and conduct themselves as gentlemen. If mom didn’t give them an “A” on the date, they would have to try again next month, until they could learn how to treat a lady on a date. The boys quickly learned how to value someone above themselves, and slowly destroyed that diva inside. Plus, those young men became the boyfriends that every girl wants to date!

Require Contribution

It seems to me that many young people today have a sense of selfish entitlement, looking to take rather than looking to contribute. It’s a generation of kids who have grown up believing that simply by existing, they deserve all the world offers. But this trend can be reversed. All it takes are parents who have the courage to require their kids to make a contribution.

What does that look like? It could be something as simple as mandating chores around the house. Teens can pull their own weight by doing household chores each day. Also, allow them input into family decisions, like where to vacation, where to go out for dinner, or what charity to support each year. One dad I know makes sure that each of his teens donates to an organization that works with needy children all over the world. His teens are empowered as they see the dramatic difference their small contributions have on the lives of children in other parts of the world.

That selfish diva in your house needs to go. That doesn’t mean you throw out your son or daughter. But it does mean your teen needs you to train them to drive out their narcissistic nature. We’re all prone to be selfish and self-serving. But these habits can be broken, and, with guidance and practice, your teen can transform from a selfish diva into a giving, caring person.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Where Character Begins in Teens

There are few things in life that a Christian parent hopes for more than to pass on to their children the same principles and character values they live by. But strong character isn’t automatic. It takes a lot of intentional work by parents. While physical traits are passed on from parents to children through their genes, character traits aren’t built into kids at birth. And neither are they taught… they are most often “caught.”

Values don’t just appear when a teenager matures. They come from the experiences each of us have in life and from observing those around us, especially our parents, who model them day in and day out in the way they live.

So, if we want our children to be compassionate, we need to model that by volunteering at the homeless shelter or giving money to the poor. If we want them to be truthful, then we need to always tell the truth ourselves. If we want them to be respectful to us, then we must show respect to them and to our own parents.

If you’re a parent, you’ve got to be the one out front leading the charge. If an important character value is lacking in your family, like that of respect, start with the only person you can readily change — yourself. Look for the cause and effect of your own example affecting your teenager’s lack of respect. Jesus taught us to make sure we remove the log in our own eye before we attempt to remove a speck in someone else’s. So, begin by asking, “How am I showing disrespect to you or to others? Is there some way you feel I am disrespecting you?” Remember, kids watch what we do far more than they listen to what we say.

Here are some thoughts:

To Love God: Start at the beginning with God, who made you, knows you, and loves you. Without loving God with all your heart, no matter what else happens in life, nothing will be right. If you have that part right, everything else in your life, even if it is wrong, will be alright.

To Put Family First: That means family comes before friends; family ideas hold more importance than the opinions of others; and your family values are the point of reference for how you will behave in all relationships.

To Work Hard: James says his mother set a good example for the entire family. She raised a great family, ran a great home, and often encouraged her children to work hard for the things they wanted. It taught the whole family the value of working hard.

To Always Tell the Truth: There is blessing, freedom, power, and health in relationships when everyone can trust each other. God said He is truth, and He loves truth. Like any family, you can count on truth-telling to be tested, but it is the overriding value for how handling any situation.

To Be Kind: Showing kindness brings favor, it brings blessings. When there is a fork in the relational road, it is better to choose the road that is paved with kindness. And if you are always going to tell someone the truth –then be sure to be kind about it.

My good friend Dr. Tim Kimmel writes about teaching kids character in his book, Grace-Based Parenting. He lists six most character traits he deems most important: Faith, Integrity, Poise, Disciplines, Endurance, and Courage.

These are just some good examples of key character traits to prime the pump and get you started, but yours may be different. So think this week about what traits you are trying to teach your family. Limit your list to just a few, and be sure you are living them yourself before you try to teach them. Then begin talking about them at every opportunity. Tell stories and do the kinds of activities with your family that will strengthen these traits. That’s how real character is passed along.

Christ didn’t live and die just to offer us salvation. He came to teach us character through demonstrating a lifestyle that pleases God. It is through His example that we can learn how to live, even if we’ve had really bad parents on this earth. So, there’s no excuse for parents not to be a good example of strong character to their children. It doesn’t mean we’ll always be perfect, for parents are human and we all make mistakes, but we need to be ready to ask forgiveness for our mistakes and set things straight when we’ve blown it. That’s an important character trait for children to learn as well.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR