tools Archives | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

Ending Family Chaos – Rules

Most of us work for companies that have a policy manual. We follow the policies, since they are a requirement of enjoying the financial benefits and privileges of employment. From that we know what to expect, how to act, and how not to act if we want to keep our jobs. Likewise, the rules within your family Belief System will help each family member know what is expected of them, how to act, where the lines are drawn between right and wrong behavior, and the consequences for stepping over the line.

Rules are expectations and guidelines placed around our behavior, in order to support our family boundaries and beliefs.

So, how do we go about creating and implementing rules that will effectively guide our teen for their own good, and for the good of our entire family?

Rules Are For Your Child’s Own Benefit

Rules for your home will most likely fall into three main areas of concern, which are foundational to all other character issues. They are honesty, obedience, and respect.

Rules should be relevant, attainable and beneficial, not a source of shame, frustration, or failure. After all, isn’t the ultimate intent of creating and enforcing rules in your home that of keeping a child’s poor choices from consuming him, and destroying his relationships with others?

So, when you think about the rules that govern your home, you might want to ask yourself two questions. The first question is, “How much will this rule matter after I am gone?” The second question is, “Will this help build my child’s character, and cause him to become more mature or responsible?”

If not, then you probably need to rethink the rule and your motivation for wanting to make it a rule.

Rules also need to make sense. We can all think about rules set down by our own parents that made no sense at all and others that were beneficial to us (even though we may not have liked them).

Finally, rules often need to evolve over time, as lessons are learned, and kept in line with the growing maturity of your teenager. Out of date, irrelevant or demeaning rules will lead to animosity, loss of respect and rebellion in your teenager. They can also lead to consequence confusion, since outdated rules are often not enforced. Regularly update your rules and restate them to your teenager, awarding them with freedom and added privileges for the progress they make.

Rules Are Enforced Through Reasonable Consequences

For teenagers, the loss of a privilege can be a powerful consequence. Sometimes they don’t realize how many privileges they enjoy — at least, not until they lose them for a time.

It brings to mind when we had several teenage boys living with us in our own home years ago. Based on the worsening condition of their bathroom, I could see that they needed help with exercising more self-control. So, I told them, “Guys, from now on you need to clean your own toilet and keep your bathroom clean. If not, you could lose it.”

Unfortunately, they ignored the rule and the mess got even worse. The once pearly white toilet bowl turned shades of brown.

So, one day I just took the entire toilet out! I literally removed it from the house. By that time, the toilet needed to be replaced anyway, so I thought not having it for a while would be a good learning opportunity for them.

When they got home from school there was nothing but a little hole in the floor where the brown toilet used to stand, they said, “Where are we supposed to go?”

I said, “aim well – I’m sorry, the rule is that you need to clean your toilet and keep your bathroom clean. If you won’t clean it, you can’t have it.”

After a few days of not aiming all that well and the stench becoming unbearable, they came to me asking, “What do we need to do to get our toilet back?”

I said, “Well, I appreciate you coming back and asking. The thing is… you can have your toilet back, but to make sure you have learned this lesson you also have to clean the toilets in the whole house for the next couple of months.”

They readily agreed, and I installed a new toilet. They cleaned all the bathrooms for a few months, and learned the importance of taking better care of things. The most important lesson for them was that when you break a rule, you pay the consequences.

The consequence in my example may sound crude, but it got the point across. After that, they kept the bathroom clean and they listened more carefully when I announced other important rules.

Setting up rules and enforcing consequences — more than any other thing you manage as a parent — is the best way to help your child learn right from wrong and to change from selfish to unselfish thinking.

Keep Rules Within the Context of Relationship

When you line out rules make it clear that they are developed in the context of longing for your child to do well in life, more than a selfish need for you to be in control. Rules are not just about having your house operate well and the chores done. In the “toilet” example I gave, I saw it as a major opportunity to teach these boys an important life principle, not just make that side of our house smell better. It is a lesson they still recall today.

Above all, keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important than any rule. Don’t tie rule keeping or rule breaking to your love or acceptance of them. Let them know that you will continue to love them, even when they mess up.

Continually say, “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.”

When they break a rule (and they will!) show your deep love for them by refusing to let them off the hook. Teenagers mostly learn from consequences. When they are known in advance, it shouldn’t damage your relationship when they are handed out, since the teenager accepted the consequences at the same time that they chose to step over the line.

ASSIGNMENT: This week, line out some rules for your home, and begin to think about consequences. Decide things like: who pays for what, what time frame is expected for certain things like curfew and chores, what you expect from them for school and grades, work, their spiritual life, their friends. Address issues like respect, honesty and obedience with clear rules – no lying, no cheating, everyone gets respect. Examine how your rules support your boundaries and beliefs for the way your home should run. Call a family meeting and work on the rules together, so everyone is part of the decision-making.

The next article I’ll tie it all together – Beliefs, Boundaries Rules, and Consequences, and hopefully, if you have done your homework, you will have the beginning of a wonderful new tool for preventing chaos in your home.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Getting the Help You Need, When You Need It

I recently received a letter from a mom and dad who attended one of our Family in Crisis retreats last year. I was touched and excited about the amazing changes that had occurred in this family’s life, and I wanted to share it with you. They, like most families caught in crisis situations, found their family in a downward spiral after raising the kids in a godly home. Things went well for most of their kids; not so well for one of their daughters. This is how they described the situation in the letter:

“At that time we probably fit 10 out of 10 of the most critical warning signs that things had really gone awry in our family. Our 15-year-old daughter seemed to be in a continuous downward spiral, exhibiting every kind of negative behavior from disrespect, angry outbursts, and excessive risk taking, to depression, poor grades, and open rebellion. Drugs, alcohol, and sexual promiscuity were all elements of her behavior as well. She didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone. She had no friends, no relationships outside of our family, and she was rejecting every moral and spiritual principle we had ever held. Her mood swings kept us all on an emotional roller coaster. For months we lived with the fear of potential suicide. We couldn’t sleep, eat, make any plans; we could barely function.”

If you’ve been there, you know the feelings of what this family is talking about. And in a world where options for kids spinning out of control are somewhat limited, I was thankful that there was an option that didn’t mean a teen had to leave home, and that parents weren’t going to have a spend a fortune getting their family straightened out.

I spend most of time now helping prevent families from ever having to send their child away to get the help they need. For those who don’t know, besides the books, articles, radio programs, and speaking events I’m involved with, I am also the Executive Director of a program that I founded 28 years ago, Heartlight. It is a residential counseling program for 60 teens. I take what I have learned from all of the 2,500 kids that have lived with us, and share that through any medium I can to apply these “lessons learned” to as many as possible.

Last year, I decided to donate my time to 8 retreats that we hold at Heartlight, which is just out my back door. These retreats are called Families in Crisis Conferences, and are they the first step for families that are in crisis to find a resolution. So I encourage everyone struggling with a teen to come to these events, not because I make money (I don’t receive a dime), but because I think you’ll find answers to the situation that you are in, find some new ways to address your family’s issues, and gain a new sense of hope. Here’s what this family did:

“We attended the Families in Crisis Retreat at Heartlight in Longview, Texas, and it was as if someone had thrown us a life rope when we were floundering in the middle of a stormy ocean. Mark’s books were extremely helpful and served as our constant resource as we persevered toward restoration for our family. We began to implement the things we had learned.”

I truly think that these lessons I have learned through the years from teens and families I have been involved with can be applied to any family today, and either prevent this current teen culture from having a devastating effect on your child, help you prepare your child for their upcoming teen years, or help you resolve issues that have been created because of this sometimes damaging adolescent atmosphere. This family who wrote, directly attributes the change in their son to what they learned from our input:

“Our son will soon be entering his last semester of high school with the anticipation of graduating in May. Things are SO much better now than they were before we attended the retreat. He has become a fun, funny, thoughtful, respectful, helpful, obedient young man, who is a joy to be around. Almost everywhere we go, he walks with his arm around one of us, continuously tells us how proud of us he is, and how thankful he is to have us as his parents. We no longer dread every day. In fact, we look forward to them. We laugh all the time, and enjoy each other every day. Months ago, we didn’t know if we could all continue to live in the same house. Now we’re really going to miss him when he leaves! Thank you Mark for giving us hope, and the skills we needed, to get things back on track.”

Again, I’m not trying to sell you anything. I am trying to get you to take advantage of some of the resources that we provide. Because I live “right there” I invite all the participants over to eat dinner at my home on one of the nights. Please don’t hesitate to call us at 903-668-2173 to find out more about this opportunity, or visit www.FamilyCrisisConference.com for additional information and upcoming dates.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Can You Hand Me That App? Tools for Parents of Teens

Do you remember some of the tools available in our day? Think back to the first IBM computer you used at work or at home. That PC in 1983 was state of the art for its time; 16 KB of memory, a floppy drive for disks the size of a cheese slice. Oh, and did I mention that it ran the high-tech DOS operating system? Then add one of those old dot-matrix printers that made noises like a train going through a tunnel, and you had top of the line tools to get the job done. But can you imagine lugging that ancient PC in to work today and trying to do anything but play Pong?

But maybe you weren’t into computers back then. Perhaps you were like me, working on cars in your spare time. Remember when all the measurements went to metric? Sure, you could try to use your old socket set, but nine times out of ten, you ended up just stripping the nut. I had to invest in all new equipment to work on my Dodge Charger.

Here’s my point; just like your old IBM computer and your non-metric tools are no longer relevant, our old parenting tools may be obsolete now. In an ever-changing world, moms and dads must refresh and restock their toolboxes with new ways to communicate and interact with teens. If you have been working on your teen, but do not seem to getting anywhere, could it be you are using the wrong tools? If your son or daughter is resisting your parenting methods, is it time to consider an upgrade? Let me share a couple of fresh and innovative tools to help you train and guide your teen.

DRIVING TOOLS

The scariest day in the life of parents is when their teenager runs into the house waving his new driver’s license. Suddenly, those quiet neighborhood streets morph into the track of the Daytona 500, and you picture your fragile teen desperately weaving in and out of speeding traffic in a four-wheeled death machine. Or maybe you realize that your teen has just received a token of geographic freedom, and you start to sweat, realizing that your child is now mobile!

When that fateful day arrives, what resources can a mom or dad use to ensure that their teen stays safe while driving? The first thing I’d recommend is that you download a smartphone app that disables texting and e-mail on your child’s phone while they are driving. These apps function in a number of different ways, but the concept is that your kid’s phone senses when a car is moving, and locks up so no messages can be sent or delivered. This eliminates the distractions and helps keep your kid focused on careful driving.

Another app I’d recommend is called Safe Driver. This app monitors the locations and driving practices of newly licensed teens. Download this app, and you’ll be alerted by text or email when your kids go over a certain speed. Safe Driver even records exactly where the violation happened.

Lastly, consider using a GPS tracker on the car or phone your child is using. This will allow you to keep tabs on where your teen is going and if they made it to their destination safely, without having to call and check in every half hour. Some new cars even come with navigation systems that make it easier for parents to set geographic boundaries for teens, such as highway entrances or even boyfriend’s houses!

No doubt many teens and even some parents will say that using GPS to monitor kids is akin to spying, and a gross invasion of privacy. But these tools are not about snooping on your teens. According to a study by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, teens in vehicles with monitoring devices took fewer risks while driving than unsupervised teens. These modern devices can help you rest easy about letting your son or daughter out on the road. You are not using these tools because you don’t trust your teen, but rather because you want to trust them. It’s a brand-new way to ask the questions your parents asked you: Did you get there okay?” And “Did you drive safe?” Don’t hide from your teens the fact that you are monitoring their driving habits. In fact, make a deal with them, that after a certain period of safe driving, you’ll begin to loosen their restrictions.

COMPUTER TOOLS

The digital age is very unlike the world you and I grew up in. So if you’re like most parents, you need a little advice on helping your teens safely navigate the realm of computers, tablets, smart phones and the ever-present Internet. The tools we picked up from our parents on the media won’t work with our teens. We need a new set of instruments to help guide and train our kids in this new era.

The incredible amount of questionable (and downright shocking) content available on the Internet is quite scary. We need to be careful about what our tweens and teens are exposed to and have access to. Some information and images can be overwhelming or confusing for kids to handle. So if you have any computers at home, the first tool you need is an Internet filter to prevent your child from wandering into the outer reaches of the web. I also recommend installing a monitoring filter like Spector Soft. They will allow you to follow your kid’s activity on the Internet, including who they are talking with online and what websites they are visiting. Again, these tools might seem like a means for parents to act like the family police force. But mom and dad, the filters and monitoring software do not give you permission to control your child. They are tools to protect your child and open up avenues of communication. If you see your teens chatting with strangers online, you don’t need to lay down the heavy hand of the law or cut off their access to the Internet. Instead, use the opportunity to talk about the dangers of chatting with strangers online, the ethics of computer use, or to ask who they’ve been getting to know and why. Offer yourself as a listening ear, and ensure that no one is asking your child to do anything inappropriate.

Since kids are being born into this digital age, parents, we need to take initiative early and train our children to use technology safely. When they’re 11 and 12 years old, you can use Internet filters to block inappropriate content. But at 18 and 19 years old, your teens will have to make their own decisions about what they will expose themselves to as they are navigating the web. Begin using these tools early on, and maintain an open dialogue with your teens about how they are using the Internet while they are still young so that they can make smart choices when they are older.

SPIRITUAL TOOLS

Your teen doesn’t want to get out of bed on Sunday? Seems apathetic towards church or youth groups? Perhaps now’s the time to research some new tools you can use to help your teen build their own faith. My friend Neil Franks is the pastor of a large church down in Branson, Missouri. He saw how involved people have become with their phones and devices, and how bored they have become with traditional church. Rather than bemoan the disengagement, Neil developed a product that engages people, especially teenagers, with spiritual content in way they can connect with. The 2 Minute Pastor is a phone app that provides 2-minute videos on all kinds of relevant topics and issues related to the Bible and everyday Life. Instead of merely hearing a pastor, teens can watch and grow spiritually, wherever they are! I’m not selling the 2 Minute Pastor app. But I am recommending this as a great new tool for moms and dads who have teens struggling in their faith.

And before you think that all these tools I’m suggesting are state-of-the-art and techy, let me also tell you that no tool in the hands of parents is better than a good question. At the right time, and in the right moment, you can ask a question that gets your child talking and sharing their lives with you. You don’t need a computer or an iPad. You just need a willingness and a little creativity to say, “Hey, what do you think about this movie?” or “What’s your biggest goal this year?” or even, “If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?” A good question is one tool in your parental toolbox that will never be obsolete.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Here you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens App, a great way to listen on your schedule.