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Possibly the Greatest Teen Parenting Mistake

Well-intentioned parents, doing as they have always done to protect their children when they were young, often circle the wagons and marshal control when their teenager makes a mistake in judgment. Others keep their wagons circled all the time, never giving up any control to the teenager in the first place. Such parents then wonder why their teenager rebels against them or lacks maturity.

It’s natural for parents to believe that trouble can be avoided by keeping their teenager always in sight, by fixing their every problem, and by generally keeping them under their control. But I’ve learned that teens mature quicker when parents take steps in the early teen years to give up some of the control they have over their teen’s life.

Learn to Let Go!

Do you have the habit of picking up the slack, covering all the bases, answering all the questions, solving all the problems, and making everything easy for your teen? If so, you might not be doing your teenager any favors. Instead, you may just be keeping your teenager immature, dependent and powerless.

If you want your child to grow up, and he’s reached the teen years, you may have to learn to let go. You may have to get out of the way. It boils down to one very simple concept — the best way to empower your teenager is to share the power you’ve always had over him, allowing him more and more power and responsibility for making his own decisions.

Hold Them Accountable

Responsibility becomes an internal life force when parents empower a child to make decisions, line out their options, define the consequences, and then let them choose.

If your teenager is fully capable of doing well, communicate that belief to him by giving him more freedoms. Fortunately, most teens want to take control of things in their life — so let them. As you back off, let your teenager know they will be given even more freedoms if they handle the first steps well. And make it clear that you will remain in the role of the enforcer of consequences, should they break the rules. Such consequences could include losing some of their newfound freedoms and losing some of your trust.

Then, let them make their own choices, and also let them bear the full responsibility for those choices. Line out their options, define the consequences for bad decisions, and then let them choose. Don’t rescue them by not enforcing consequences for their poor choices. And equally as important, don’t forget to congratulate and reward them for making good choices!

The Power of Empowerment

As you learn to let go, your teen’s expectations will shift away from leaning on you to run their life and fix everything for them (including their mistakes), to the understanding that they are the ones responsible for how things turn out. They’ll surely make many mistakes before they begin to understand what good decision-making looks like. And they may even try every trick in the book to get you to rescue them out of their poor choices. But don’t do it! Hold them responsible, just as they will some day be held accountable as an adult.

Give Them Something to Be Responsible For

Teenagers don’t become responsible or learn to think more maturely by accident. They learn from being in situations where responsibility and maturity is expected and modeled. That’s why I highly recommend to parents that they get their child into a part-time job throughout the teen years, and particularly one that is service-oriented. Probably the biggest mistake of schools today is when they keep kids so busy with after school activities, that there is no time for a job in which teens can learn responsibility. Outside of what Mom and Dad are expecting of them, nothing can teach a teenager about life and making a livelihood than a job can, whether they need the money or not. Kids who get their first job after they graduate from high school are at a disadvantage and have a lot of catch-up to do in the area of maturity.

The right job for just a few hours each week can be a perfect training ground for a teenager, teaching people-skills, money-management, time-management, and even helping the teenager determine what she does or doesn’t want to do after high school. Skills learned on a part-time job can also help the teen appreciate their education and encourage them to seek more education after high school so they won’t have to continue serving hamburgers, washing cars, or being a lifeguard their entire life.

When to Take Back Full Parental Power

Now, let me address the family dealing with a teen who is already spinning out of control or is addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, or other harmful substances or behaviors. This situation is entirely different. In this day and age, a child choosing to self-destruct or to live a dangerous lifestyle could end up in serious trouble, or could even die. In this case, empowerment shifts back to the parent, who must intervene and retake decisive control, since the teen’s lifestyle is actually controlling the teenager at this point.

An old Jewish proverb says, “Don’t meet troubles half-way.” Give it all your attention now, or it could take more than you can give later. And you’ll be powerless when they become an adult. Take whatever measures are necessary to ensure his safety and do it now. It is up to you to create a solution, such as counseling or substance abuse treatment. And you, too, will need to surround yourself with good counsel and a group of godly friends who are willing to pray with you and encourage you.

Then, with a plan in hand and with all the power you can muster, communicate this message: “Honey – we love you. Nothing you do or say will make us love you any less, and nothing you do or say will make us love you any more. But we are not going to live like this anymore. Since you are not making the right choices on your own, here is what will change in your life, as of today…” And then stick to your plan. There’s nothing that will ruin your future ability to get such a teen back on track than to not follow through the first time.

Small Bumps Are Temporary

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things — I Corinthians 13:11 (KJV).

Maybe you are just having some small bumps in the road with your teenager. Let me assure you, most immature behavior is just that — immaturity. They will grow out of it as they mature and as they come up against the consequences for wrong decisions. And they’ll mature more quickly if you empower them to take on more responsibility for their own life. Give them ample opportunity to make errors in judgment early on, when you still have some control over them in your home.

Letting go doesn’t mean backing off completely. It simply means allowing the teenager to make more and more decisions on their own, and to have more and more freedoms. When they make mistakes, or overstep your household boundaries, it is still a parent’s responsibility to dole out the consequences as a means of discipline, which will prevent them from making the same mistake again and again. For that is how teenagers learn.

So, what have you done today to encourage and empower your teenager to put away their childish immaturity?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Communication Hints with Your Teen

As a child moves from his elementary years into early adolescence, it’s essential that the style of communicating with your child change with them. They are moving from “concrete” thinking to “abstract” thought. What was “non-hormonal” now becomes laced with hormones. Total dependence moves closer to independence. While they have always wanted to listen, now they want to express.

It’s important for parents to transition with their child, to change their style of communication rather than not talking at all. Sadly, if this transition is not accomplished, then the next time that communication, or lack thereof, shows itself, is when your child begins to struggle or have difficulties, and desperately needs someone to talk to.

There is a scripture that has always stuck with me as one of those that accurately reflects the condition of most teens, and the “should-be role” of most parents. It’s when Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden (the condition of the teens part), and I will give you rest for your soul” (the parent’s part). The hope is that we, as parents, become that place of rest for our kids… a place where they might be restored.

Too many times parents become a place of added burden or hardship, or an extra “measure” of correction when correcting has already been done. Moms have the tendency to do the “Energizer Bunny communication” that just keeps on going and going and going, and dads have that tendency to not “go to bat” and just ignore those situations when communication is needed the most. Moms, your over-correcting is not giving your child rest. And Dad, your not “speaking up” is not restoring anyone. The balance will be that place of rest, so work hard to find that medium of the “Mom and Dad mix”.

The time to build lines of communication is before there are problems, struggles and difficulties. The time to maintain these lines is always. Never stop just because there is a conflict. Here’s an idea. Come to the dinner table, and instead of “laying down the law”, lay down some new rules. Not ones that dictate, but those that invite. Those rules might include that you (as the parent) want to have one-on-one time with your child and that you will find a special time each week to spend together. You might state that a new rule for your house is to go on a Mother-Daughter, or Father-Son special vacation each year, and do so as long as you’re alive, another might be a Family Joke Night that gets everyone laughing… just laughing, no spiritual lesson attached… just a pure time of worship called laughing.

A changing child asks for change in the way they interact with their parents. Try some of the following tips, and see if they help in your communication:

Create a Sense of Wonder. Instead of always telling your child the answers, leave them with a question. And remember, not every question has to be answered immediately. Give your child time to think, time to ponder, time to look for an answer using all that you have given them. Give them time to wonder. They will learn to think on their own, and they will begin to come to you for answers as you model one who isn’t afraid to ask questions.

Wait to Be Invited. Hold off on the tendency to always share your opinion (Scripture says that a fool delights in airing his own opinion) and wait for your child to ask you what you think. Silence will move a child to ask, “What do you think?” Don’t always enter the conversation unless invited. Remember that other Proverb, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house, or he will grow to hate you”. Wait to be invited.

Diffuse Difficult Discussions. Admit where you are wrong, and take the fuse out of the firecracker. Once you admit to where you have wronged, that issue can no longer be held against you. Give it up. What have you got to loose? Whenever anyone admits to me their faults, it moves my discussion with them to a place that doesn’t focus on proving who’s right and who’s wrong.

Consider Others to Be More Important. Easy to say and tough to do, especially if you’re as selfish as I am. It’s basically putting others first, not me. And this should affect the way I speak, the way I discipline, the way I show grace, and the way that I respond when I am disappointed and upset.

Over the last 30 years, I have met with thousands of families for countless hours in desperate and difficult situations. One thing that I do know, there is hope. More times than not, the difficult phases that a teen goes through are temporary, and “this too shall pass”. The struggle for most parents is remaining engaged during those difficult times. Don’t give up, for God promises to turn your ashes into beauty, your sorrow into joy, and your mourning into dancing. The God that has put His thumbprint on the life of your child still holds him (and you) in His palm.

Questions

Q – My teen is unruly and disrespectful. What is the most effective way to discipline without loosing control of the situation?

A – They are unruly and disrespectful for a reason, and their inappropriate behavior is usually a reflection of other things happening in their life. Ask questions to probe if there is something else going on. Their immaturity demands tighter boundaries, and their rebellion demands consequences. But first make sure of what it is causing the unruliness and disrespect (ask questions). Disrespect should not be allowed or tolerated and severe consequences should be levied against a child who chooses not to respect.

Q – Sometimes I get so angry at the choices my teen is making. How can I keep anger from controlling the way I discipline my teen?

A – The focus seems to be on “your” anger… not your child’s. Anger is an emotional response to not getting what you want. It might do well to reflect on what your child is doing that is not giving you what you want, and ask why it is so important that they do that. This doesn’t mean the reasoning is right or wrong, but it does help in getting to the root of the anger. Don’t discipline out of your anger. Discipline for wanting something “for your child”, out of a longing to have them not go in the direction they are going for their benefit.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Raising Teens Is No Picnic

Written by Mark Gregston with Guest Bruce Sallan.

“This article was written by a fellow named Bruce Sallan after he attended one of the seminars that I spoke at while in California a while back. Thought you would like to read his reflections on the seminar.

Here it is:

My wife dragged me to her church for an all-day seminar called “Turbulence Ahead–Parenting Teens Through the Bumpy Years.” I went along, in support of her and in support of her recent “turbulence” with our oldest son, who is 16½ and a handful. But, my initial reaction was that this was a long time to spend on a subject that I know pretty well.

At the seminar, it was quickly evident that my knowledge on the subject could certainly use a refresher, if not a full-on course. Within minutes, I grabbed the pen that we were given and I began taking notes. I ran out of space and in no time, I filled up the supplied notes sections of the program brochure.

The seminar was led and created by Mark Gregston, who is the host of “Parenting Today’s Teens,” a daily and weekend radio program heard nationally. He is the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for adolescents in crisis and the author of several books. His credentials could fill this column, plus he’s an engaging speaker with a good sense of humor and self-deprecation vs. arrogance that some so-called experts display. As I see myself as a “layman expert,” I was appreciative of this approach and found the seminar enlightening.

At first, I just jotted down some of his powerful and smart quotations such as:

“The investment you make in your kids today pays off with your grandchildren tomorrow.”

“The AMA has increased the age of adolescence (from 19) to 23.”

“Our response to situations changes with our understanding of them (re: teens)”

“I think God may have once said: it was so much easier when there were just three billion down there.”

And, one of my favorites which is totally in keeping with one of my own favorite columns, “Best Friend or Best Parent” (http://bit.ly/bestparent) was:

“They (teens) don’t need a peer-ant; they need a parent.”

After the seminar, I went up to Mark and asked permission to do a column inspired by the day’s learning. He graciously said, “Yes” with no conditions. I’ve subsequently gotten his blessing.

This was one of those situations where my wife and I were either constantly jabbing each other with one of those “SEE” jabs or giving each other glaring looks that said, “That’s you!” I had the great opportunity, inadvertently set up by Mark, to make a funny comment about my wife’s Canadian citizenship to which she whacked me on the head with the brochure, to the delight and laughter of everyone.

But, this was not a light event. The subjects and the stakes are real and difficult. It will be impossible to detail all that we learned, but I will attempt to sum up the salient points that get parents off-track with raising their teens, in spite of our best intentions. Below are some of the suggestions imparted to us (my comments are in the parentheses):

We get sidetracked by things that are unimportant (example – worrying too much about the music our kids listen to, which Mark feels is totally unimportant and makes no difference in the long run).

Our goal as parents is not to control our teens but to give them control (what a great notion and how valuable it would be if we gave them control vs. coddled and spoiled them!).

When our teens mess up, we tend to approach it in a very negative manner when, instead, it should be of the “I’m here to help” vein wherein we might have a chance to be heard by them.

Conflict is a precursor to change (this was one in which I got whacked by my wife but his point is true. We often don’t want to confront our teens; we just hope the problem is really no big deal or will just go away. That’s wrong!).

Understand that your (parents) best thinking has got you in the situation you find yourself in (so he was suggesting we have to radically alter our thinking and behavior if we want substantive change with our teens).

Be intentional about your parenting: give them control of their lives, require responsibility from them, establish rules and consequences, and convey a message that you owe them nothing but want to give them everything.

Give them a message of hope: “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more; there is nothing you can do to make me love you less” (I might quibble with this one since I do think that there are some things that could affect a parent’s love).

As you can see from the above, and as I emphasize, these bullet points are just the tip of the iceberg of the wisdom shared by Mark Gregston. If you’re struggling with your teens, consider utilizing some of his many resources. No, Mark hasn’t paid me nor am I looking for a job with him. In fact, his only income comes just from his residential program for troubled adolescents. All of his other efforts are donated, from his writings and seminars to his radio show. He’s in it for the good he’s doing. And, I did secure his permission to write this column and his approval of it. You can find Mark and his various resources with any Google search, but start here: www.parentingtodaysteens.org.”

Bruce captured the essence of the seminar very well. Thanks, Bruce!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Here you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens App, a great way to listen on your schedule.