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Setting Aside Traditional Parenting

Ever catch yourself using the same phrases your parents did? In the heat of the moment, when your son or daughter is giving you fits, you find yourself mimicking the same stuff your parents used with you? It sounds like this …

“It’s my way or the highway!” … or …

“Read my lips! Are you listening to me?” … or …

“As long as you’re livin’ under my roof, you’ll obey my rules!”

Oh, man, you can hardly believe it when these clichés spill out of your mouth!

There’s a reason why these parental edicts have become clichés. Parents have used them for decades. But in today’s culture, forced authority doesn’t get the results we want. When we pull these tricks, our teens sometimes roll their eyes, sigh heavily and shrug us off. Wielding our position of authority rarely impresses this generation.

And what’s true in the home is also true at church. Tragically, statistics reveal that 85% of our kids are leaving church upon graduating high school. They’re not engaging in structured relationships as we once did. Something’s not working. They’re not buying into our ideals and it hurts deeply when our sons and daughters walk away from the things we hold dear.

So, what’s the answer? What are we to do? Well, let me suggest that some of the traditional tools for parenting need to be retired. We need to recalibrate our perspective and engage with our teens in a language, a tone, and a manner they can receive.

Perfection is Impossible

For starters, let’s resign some of our preconceived convictions and consider a new way. For instance, we’ve been conditioned to believe that if we employ certain tactics, our kids will emerge as responsible adults. We can’t rely on that notion anymore.

The first thing that needs to be debunked is the fairytale that families can attain perfection. Where did that come from? No family is perfect. So quit trying. It flies in the face of reality, and yet I find so many families working overtime to look, act, and be the perfect family. Relax. Deal with failures as opportunities to learn. But don’t freak out every time your teenager makes a mistake.

When we set expectations in our home too high, it’s not long before our children figure out they can’t reach our standard. Our good intentions for sinless perfection will surely backfire. When things get tough or seem outside of their ability to attain, teens will eventually withdraw, rebel, or even run away. They tap out.

Our pristine standards and our spirit of excellence may be genuine, but teens may see these ideals as an impossible goal.

If your child concludes they cannot possibly live up to your expectations, they have the option to turn to you as a resource and a source of relationship, or to turn away from you as a cause of their frustration. This is the proverbial fork in the road. They can turn toward you. Or away from you. The home can be a place of refuge or a place where impossible judgments are held against them. If the latter is the case, they will turn to an arena that is less judgmental. They usually take the road of least resistance. Typically, this arena is the prevailing culture. This could be their sympathetic friends, classmates, or even the input they get from the cynical media. When our teens turn to these communities for relief, we lose the opportunity to speak into their lives.

In children’s early years, we create a perfect world for them. Our kids respond to what we have to say. We insulate them from consequences. This would be okay, but then reality hits in middle school and high school when they realize that the world isn’t perfect. Mom, dad, you won’t always be able to insulate your kids from pain, or even from the natural consequences of their actions. Nor should you. The role of a parent is to help your child grow up. If their world is easy, they won’t need to grow up, and if they are perfect, then they don’t need a Savior.

Ultimately, it’s not what you do as a parent that counts. It’s who you are that will help guide your teen. At this critical juncture in a teen’s life, your relationship will be tested as never before. Maybe you’re right at this crossroad today. You feel like your teen is teetering on the brink of turning away or turning toward you.

Authority Can’t Be Forced

Today our teens have immediate access to information through television, social media sources and the Internet. These avenues have unquestionably tainted their perspective on authority. This is the game-changer in our culture, and parents need to accept the fact that we cannot control the barrage of influence coming from these sources into the hearts and minds of our teens.

Our teens have more information and faster ways of keeping up with what’s going on in the world than ever before, so they feel like there’s less for parents to teach them. Their reality is entirely skewed and they react to this lopsided reality through their relationship with you. Yes, you’re bearing the brunt of information overload from all these sources! As a result, children think less of the authority figures in their lives, because they believe that they know better and that their understanding of the world through the media is truer than what their parent is saying.

Again, this is why it’s imperative to persist on developing an authentic relationship with our teens built on trust. It requires time. Patience. Forbearance.

If you’re looking for creative ways to shift your parenting style toward a more productive outcome, or would just like to learn more about the changing culture and how it affects your teen, be sure to listen to a conversation we had with family coach, Tim Smith. He’s one of our guests on the next edition of Parenting Today’s Teens. The broadcast is a half-hour long, and you can find a station near you or simply download the podcast. You can also find help by getting the Parent Survival Kit from Heartlight. It’s a box that’s filled with time-tested resources for moms and dads, and it’s available at our web site: www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

If you are in the Hershey, Pa come see us at Milton Hershey School. I will be speaking the evening of Feb 16th. The event is free. Go to www.paretningtodaysteens.org for more information or call 1-866-700-3264

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight Ministries, located in Hallsville, Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark at www.markgregston.com.

Teaching Purity in a Seductive Culture

Have you looked around lately? Our kids live in a dangerous generation. They are constantly bombarded by seductive imagery. Innocence is threatened at a young age. And our culture isn’t doing anything to stem the tide. In fact, it’s pulling our teens away from purity and pushing them toward promiscuity.

Over the many years at Heartlight, we have worked with hundreds of girls who struggle to maintain their integrity and personal purity. Along the way, I’ve learned a couple things worthy of passing along to you.

When everyone around a teen assumes they’re going to be sexually active, or makes fun of them if they aren’t, it creates the perfect storm for failure. In any case, our teens are set up for a private battle of choices. Many of the kids I talk to are confused about their own convictions on the issue. Over and over again they say how they wish they were still a virgin, but then admit that if they were still a virgin, they would be moving in a direction to try not to be.

Sexual Normalization

Sexuality is something that teens talk about all the time. Their banter is almost shocking. These conversations usually exemplify a teen’s craving for attention. Even though our kids are communicating like crazy over the Internet, texting, and through social media sites, they aren’t connecting. So they often resort to other ways to get noticed, such as their appearance and performance. They think they can get the connection they long for through their sexuality. And it makes sense that they think this way – television, music, and advertising all give kids the strong message that experimenting with sex is perfectly normal. It’s no longer just an invitation to sexually express themselves, but an out-right expectation. In fact, the media makes fun of virginity. But when it turns out that reality shows aren’t reality, teens become disappointed and confused.

Continuing the Conversation

Parents have a natural opportunity to connect at this point. When teens discover that a lifestyle of “appearance & performance” don’t deliver the results they want, they’ll start asking: now what? This is where having a strong relationship and ongoing conversation with your kids is helpful and many parent struggle with how to get to this place with their kids. Teens are young men and young women, not just young kids anymore, and we can’t control what they’re thinking, yet we need to have input along the way. This is a perfect opportunity to sit down with your teen and openly talk about what’s acceptable and what’s not. So, if you have been building your relationship with your teen along the way, your child may be more receptive to what you’re hoping to accomplish.

Even with good relationship-building, kids don’t always listen or follow our standard. Parents, if you see your teen acting slightly outside of the standard, it’s okay to choose your battle and say: I don’t like it, but I’ll let it go. But it’s important to clarify the standards for modesty and your expectations.

Expectations aren’t a list of rules. They’re taught in conversations, and caught with an example of your lifestyle. The parent’s role is to help prepare the child – and instead of showing our kids how to live in a zoo, we have to be teaching them how to survive in a jungle. Sometimes a child tells a parent: I don’t believe in the things you do, I don’t behave the way you do, it’s my body, I’ll do what I want. This becomes a different conversation. Instead of talking about the expectations of the household, you might have a practical conversation about the Scriptures and show how a lack of modesty can hurt relationships. Deviating from God’s plan always ends with pain and failure. We need our kids to know that God doesn’t merely say Don’t! God says, Don’t get hurt! The Scriptures are a great place to start because they show our teens their value.

Refining the Message

Kids don’t think of long term consequences, so it’s helpful for you to point out the lifetime ramifications of promiscuity. Give them practical advice and direction, such as asking the question: What would your future husband want in you? What would your future wife want in you? As your teen begins to define this for him or herself, stay engaged with them. Model the life you want for them and help them sort through their confusion. In the context of relationship, teens will see this instruction, not as judgment but as love and connection; just what they’re looking for.

You can hear us talk on this subject by listening to our radio program. It’s called, Parenting Today’s Teens. Next time, we talk with Family Coach Tim Smith. Tim will share his perspective on how important it is to approach this issue with your teen in the context of relationship.

You can hear Parenting Today’s Teens online, as a podcast, or find a radio station near you. All the information is found at www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.

Has Your Child “Boomeranged”?

Most of us think adolescence ends at the age 18, but the American Medical Association has defined adolescence as going all the way to age 23. What used to be a period of seven years is now fourteen years! And for many parents reading this article, this means that your kids may come back home to live with you after college.

We set our kids in motion to live as independent adults, and like a boomerang they just come right back to where they started. Sometimes it happens for good reasons because of issues outside their control. But when a child wants to disengage from a normal growth opportunity and fails to establish their own independence, it’s a sign that emotional problems are in play.

It’s been great for Jan and me to be empty nesters. We love it. Oh, sure, I like it when the grandkids pop in with their parents, but it’s good when they leave, too. Gratefully both our son and daughter have established independent lives of their own.

But maybe you’re in a different place. Maybe you’re dealing with the boomerang effect. So let me offer some helpful perspective and a couple suggestions.

Welcome Home?

Some kids come home after college until they get a job. That’s one thing. And in this economy, finding a job takes much longer than ever before. So it’s understandable when they need a place to stay while aggressively pursue the next phase in their life. But when kids get too comfortable in your home and can’t launch from that spot, they’re in trouble. They can’t get to the next place, and they show their inability to function at a higher level.

Mom and dad, when you take these kids back in, you aren’t doing them a favor. Parents want to be helpful, but they’re just postponing the inevitable. I’m talking about when a child wants to avoid growth. Moving back home becomes a way to avoid the challenge of becoming independent. A child can try to live like they’re in high school, or have everything provided, or take an “extended vacation.” We all have a plan for our lives. When your child comes back home, it’s kind of outside of the plan.

When Coming Home is Healthy

Sometimes, it is healthy for kids to come home. But just because the reason they come is appropriate doesn’t mean that your transition will be easy. To help, you need to line out your expectations for your son or daughter and set up some new rules.

To help you get along with your adult children, spend necessary time with them. But not out of obligation. Your child doesn’t want to spend time with you if they think it’s a burden. Love your child in a way they can receive it. Sit down and talk. Be a servant to them. I want to be a servant to anyone who walks in my door. But being a servant doesn’t mean being a doormat.

You need to build an understanding of how you’re going to live together. Your child is the new person to the house, even if they’ve lived there before. So he should fit into your household’s current agenda. Parents, you need to openly say to your children, “You’re welcome here, but you’ve gotta follow the current game plan.” Talk to your child before he comes home. Determine whether they will pay rent or not, whether or not they will be required to work. There are a lot of times in my life that I haven’t liked what I was doing for work, but I did it because I knew it would strengthen my work habits and would help me financially.

If your child is not following the plan you talked about, and it’s becoming disruptive to the house, you may need to kick your child out. Sounds harsh, but if you don’t take action, if you allow your child to keep the same attitude, they will find it easy to stay like a child longer. Not to mention that they may influence the habits and attitudes of your other children.

Adults are adults. You need to treat them that way. And if your child isn’t acting like an adult, you may need to push them out. Every adult’s goal is to live an independent life. This means moving on to another place. You need to respect this goal in your child’s life. If your child doesn’t see the need for this movement, and you don’t act, you are enabling your child’s foolishness.

Parents: Plan, Act, and Let Go!

If the presence of your boomerang child has become a negative situation, and they’re still enjoying the benefits of living under your roof, then you are probably kidding yourself about their maturity. You could be justifying their childish behavior. You’re allowing it to happen. Kids are hampered by their parents’ inability to act. I have seen some of these kids at Heartlight, and I think, “You can’t be serious!” By letting your kids stay at home, you are allowing them to rely on you when the Scripture says we are to train up a child in the way he should go. Hear that? Go. If they stay because of excuses, these kids won’t grow up to be good husbands, good wives, good fathers, or good mothers. They’ll repeat the cycle with their own kids.

If you are the problem, you need to let go! Parents, remember that your child is more important than you. If you aren’t releasing your child to move onto the next step, it’s your issue not theirs. When you finally let go, let me tell you this; you’re going to love it! Where they are going is more exciting than where they have been. You need to trust God to take care of your kids.

The moment when the prodigal son came back to his senses was right after everybody quit giving him everything. You need to consider what this means for your family. Come up with a plan of transitioning your child into the real world. Move them to a point where they are either in school, working, or waiting for a move to the next step in life.

You can hear us talk on this subject by listening to our radio program. It’s called, Parenting Today’s Teens. Next time, we talk with Family Coach Tim Smith. Tim, whose philosophy of parenting is “don’t do anything for your children that they can do for themselves,” will share his personal experience and perspective on having children return home.

You can hear Parenting Today’s Teens online, as a podcast, or find a radio station near you. All the information is found at www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org.