teen communications Archives | Page 15 of 20 | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

Fighting Fair

Most of us will do anything to avoid a showdown between parent and child. We don’t like conflict of any kind. It goes against our nature. When there’s a flare-up in the home, it’s uncomfortable for everyone involved and usually escalates to places we don’t want to go.

But conflict can be the open door to growth. When a skirmish begins, we can make the choice either to engage or avoid. If you’re a peace-at-any-price person, avoidance may seem like a good solution in the moment. However, when you dodge the conflict, you’re actually dodging the relationship.

Your teen is walking through a dramatic time of transition in his life. He’s evolving toward adulthood in his role with you, his friends, and his engagement with the culture. He needs to know that even when he’s at his worst, you are going to move toward him.

Conflict is a precursor to change. In fights, each person is trying to move the person to another place. Most of us think that if you get into a fight, you lose the relationship. That’s not necessarily true. When you fight with your teen, you have an opportunity to show him that you care about him more than you care about the issue. Yes, you have a stance that you are taking on the issue; but you won’t sacrifice the relationship just to make a point.

Conflict only happens because you care about your teen. If you didn’t care about his life, you wouldn’t bring up issues that cause momentary discomfort. You would just let him live out his mistakes and then face the consequences – no matter how severe. Though it may not seem like it in the midst of the battle, by taking a strong position you are showing your teen how much you really care. But every parent needs to learn how to have a good fight.

Real love doesn’t mean that you hide what you are feeling. It’s okay to disagree with another person, as long as you know how to work through that conflict. There are going to be differences, especially as your teen begins to examine his life and tries to figure out whether or not he believes the things he was taught as a child. He’s struggling to define and determine his personal worldview, and because of that, there’s a strong likelihood that it will manifest itself in a struggle with you.

Because you know this is natural, you should decide beforehand how you’re going to respond. In the midst of the fight, you don’t want to have to come up with a plan. When the emotions are running hot, it’s tempting to shut your teen down, or try to convince him with compelling arguments against his meanderings. When your child is becoming an adult, you need to leave room for his exploratory process. If you make a plan in advance, you will think more clearly and calmly about how to deal with the conflict.

In the middle of these tense moments, keep your eye on the current issue. Try not to bring up all sorts of other stuff that will only confuse and incite your child. Stay focused. The more you let your arguments stray into other areas or other patterns of behavior, the less power you have to come to a conclusion that will allow you and your teen to make progress on the issue at hand. As a parent, it’s easy to throw in “you always” or “you never” statements, but once those are out there, the argument has shifted into patterns of behavior instead of one specific circumstance. And the only way we can change behavior is one decision, one conflict, at a time. We don’t have power over a pattern. We only have power over the next decision we make. Then, over time, a positive pattern in our child’s behavior is more likely to emerge.

Open lines of communication are crucial to resolving conflict. If we don’t have that communication open long before conflict comes, we won’t be able to create that privilege when the emotions are running high. In preparation, even when you don’t see conflict on the horizon, you can continually enter into discussion with your teen. Talk to him. Take time for him to discuss his day, what he’s dealing with, and what he’s interested in. When you give him the time when things are going well, you’ll have the solid relationship in place to be able to support those times when conflict comes.

It’s easy to treat a conflict like a tennis game … lobbing insults or arguments back and forth. But with every smack of the tennis ball, the game continues without progress. With this kind of banter, there isn’t an easy way to slow down and catch the ball without someone getting hurt. Instead, allow the tennis balls to go by you. Don’t give in to the temptation to hit them back by throwing another insult out there. Even if it feels good, it’s not going to help the relationship at all. Instead, listen to your teen. Try to understand his issue well enough to say it back to him. Keep the lines of communication open and stay calm.

If you’re in the heat of battle with your son or daughter right now, I know it’s a painful and confusing time for you. Hang in there. Stay engaged in a relationship with your teen. Move toward your son and daughter and assure them that it’s okay to explore and formulate their own worldview, and that you enjoy helping them struggle with the tough issues of life.

Your poise and unflappability during moments of conflict will serve you well on the other side of the conflict. Set the stage now for those inevitable moments with your teen that arise out of nowhere, so that your relationship remains intact and healthy. Someday, your son or daughter will speak words of gratitude for your composure when they raise children of their own.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas. For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website. It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Go to www.heartlightministries.org. Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173. Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Responsible Weightlifting

Every time you go to the gym to work out with weights, you know you’re headed for pain. Pumping iron hurts! Why? We build muscles by tearing down muscles. All that pain eventually delivers impressive results, but it ain’t always fun.

Parenting today’s teens involves the same painful process.

As parents, we are responsible to help our children build the muscle they need to lift the heavy issues of life. But as their virtual personal trainer, it takes a lot of discernment to help them understand how much weight they should lift. I can tell you from my experience with kids at Heartlight, teens are quite capable of handling tough issues, but they can’t do all the heavy lifting on their own. Teens are still trying to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world. You get to help your teen manage their muscle-building program, and all of us go through lots of blood, sweat and tears along the way.

When your child appears weak and insecure, it’s tempting to want to step in and rescue them from the pain of failure. Or, we become over-controlling and smother them with advice, lecturing and counsel. In these times, we do little to help our teen build the muscle they need and, in essence, we try to manipulate what only God can do in their life.

Psalm 1 describes a process that a person follows when he is learning something. First they walk, then stand, and eventually they sit. The psalmist wrote,

Blessed is the one

who does not walk in step with the wicked

or stand in the way that sinners take

or sit in the company of mockers,

but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,

and who meditates on his law day and night.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither—

whatever they do prospers.

When your child is young, you can’t demand a lot of that child because you know he doesn’t have the skills, experience, or wisdom to make the decisions on his own yet. Your child walks in the way that you direct him, looking to you for guidance in placing each step. But your teen is in transition now. He is in the standing position, getting ready to take his position on life.

Remember this when you interact with your teen! When your child is standing, you can transfer opportunities for him to build his muscles while you are still standing next to him. But this means you need to know where he is standing as well. What are his challenges? Who are his friends? What are his needs? With open lines of communication, you will have a greater opportunity for sharing your own experiences and wisdom with your teen.

In a few years, your teen will choose where he will sit. Which way will he be facing? What outlook will he take on life? What things that you have taught him will he hold onto and what will he discard? Everything he has experienced up until this point will help him make that decision.

If your goal is to help your child grow up, then be intentional in your relationship with your child. This doesn’t mean turning a blind eye when bad stuff happens, but it doesn’t mean holding onto the reins so tightly either. Teens aren’t perfect. Parents aren’t perfect either. But when you allow your teen to exercise his freedom and to face the consequences in a safe environment, surrounded by people who love him and want him to succeed, he’ll be able to flex his muscles and grow.

I would never want to run a marathon without any training. In fact, if I signed up for a marathon, I’d be out there every day getting ready for my 26-mile trek. Bit by bit, I would run farther and faster. And eventually, I should be able to reach my goal. The day is coming when your teen will leave your home and be on his own. Sure, working out right now might create some risk as you and your teen determine his boundaries, but if you wait until that day to allow him to experience freedom, he may not be able to handle his newfound liberty

When you train your body as a weightlifter, the key to success is to keep at it. There are days when you won’t want to get up and pump iron, do squats or run on the treadmill. It’s the same way with your relationship with your teen. If your family isn’t intentionally building strength together every day, the muscles you are trying instill in your child’s body will atrophy.

If you have been holding onto the reins tightly, try starting off with some light weights. See how he responds to responsibility, and then gradually increase the weight. If you have been taking a hands-off approach, get a sense of whether your teen might be struggling under too much weight. Remove some of the freedom until he is able to show that he can handle the responsibility.

When you give your teen the opportunity to succeed and the opportunity to fail, he will either make a mistake, face the consequences, and try his hardest not to do it again, or he will succeed and remember how good it feels. With every choice that is made, your teen will strengthen his ability to handle the harder decisions and responsibilities later on in life. When that day comes, you can look back with deep satisfaction knowing that God used you to be his personal trainer.

Mom, dad, keep up the good work. Your son or daughter is well worth the effort!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dear Mom and Dad…

Have you ever drafted a note to somebody when you were really miffed? Not that you would send it, of course, but the exercise of writing out your thoughts often helps us process through our anger.

Your teen probably has a note like this waiting for you. Oh, it’s not likely on paper yet. But I can guarantee you, there’s something in your teen’s life that he or she is just waiting for the right time, the perfect occasion, to share with you.

In today’s culture, kids are flexing their communications muscles by using text and tweets, and it’s much harder for them to communicate eye-to-eye. They talk to each other on Facebook and sometimes in emails (although even email is becoming a relic of the past). They share their deepest thoughts on blogs and never think about the person on the other side of the computer who might be reading it. And yet, when confronted with a face-to-face conversation, our kids often struggle to naturally communicate their emotions.

One of my favorite things to do is take time to meet and talk with kids. I enjoy learning about their culture and trying to get a better sense of who they are and what they are going through (this is one reason why I enjoy having teens on the Parenting Today’s Teens radio program). Teens rarely reveal their heart until I ask them questions that require more than “yes” and “no” answers. But as I move closer toward them in a trusted relationship, they move closer to me and are willing to drop their guard and tell me what’s really on their heart.

Most kids have this hidden desire: “I wish I could tell my mom and dad what’s really on my mind.”

I remember meeting with one teen who was frustrated with his parents. His mom and dad had been talking with him, but they seemed to be more interested in managing his behavior than diving into real issues. After I spent an hour asking this teen questions, the truth finally spilled out. He had entered into a sexual relationship with his teacher. His parents were devastated. When his mom asked why he hadn’t shared this before, his answer was telling:

“You never asked.”

As parents, we have to mine for the nugget of truth that our teens are longing to share with us. If we don’t give our kids the opportunity, you can be certain they will never volunteer their most personal thoughts.

The trouble is, when you attempt to communicate with your teen, sometimes he will push you away. If he hasn’t heard this kind of talk from you before, he might brush you off at first. It won’t be easy to start this kind of communication if you haven’t had it with your teen before. So, let your teen know that it’s okay to share the things that are truly in his or her heart. Try not to over react. That only serves to shut them down. We need to give our kids a trusted place where they feel safe to open up their heart and be vulnerable. It’s a scary moment for most kids, and we need to create an environment where they know it’s okay to be real.

If your teen isn’t as open with you as you’d like, you may need to find creative ways to draw them out. Whenever I meet with a teen, I let them know that I will pursue them no matter what. Even if they push me away, I will try to connect with them. This establishes an expectation in their mind that you don’t plan on giving up on them or retreating on them even when they act belligerent or indifferent.

One way to show your teen that you care is by taking part in what he enjoys. If your teen likes animals, go horseback riding together. If your teen is into music, find some music that you can listen to together. It’s not the activity that matters, it’s that we convince our kids that we truly want to engage with them on their terms.

Wendy Mattner is a guidance counselor at Harvest Christian Academy near Chicago. Wendy will join us on this weekend’s broadcast of Parenting Today’s Teens to talk about her work with teens and the things they share when in the counselor’s office.

Every teen has something they want to communicate. They are harboring thoughts about things they’ve done, things that define them, problems they’re struggling to solve, and situations that cause them frustration with their parents. By building a relationship that allows for a balance between guidance and accountability, we can cultivate an environment of trust that convinces our kids that we love them … no matter what.

If you are in the Houston area or know of someone in the Houston area then make plans to attend the upcoming Turbulence Ahead seminar on Saturday, May 5th. The seminar takes place at Windwood Presbyterian Church. Go to www.turbulenceahead.org or call 1-866-700-3264 for more information.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR