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The Cure for the Diva Syndrome

Mom and dad, don’t look now, but a dangerous infection might be running rampant in your home. This contagion can infiltrate your life, gain control, and rule your family with sarcasm and incessant demands. Now, you may not recognize this disease at first. That’s because this fiendish infection disguises itself, using your teen as its innocent host. The scientific name of this virus is bratticus narcissitcus; but my friend Bill Ziegler (a school district superintendent) calls it, “The Diva Syndrome.” And it can wreak untold damage on your home and family.

All kidding aside, many parents are facing teens who exhibit narcissistic and self-absorbed characteristics. Their children wake up every day with one thought: “What is everybody going to do for me today?” But here’s the truth; all teens are pre-disposed to be divas! It’s part of our sinful nature to think that everyone is working for me and everything is “Mine!” No one has to teach us to be selfish. We’re born that way. Just watch how toddlers reach for every toy they see and get upset when they don’t get what they want.

Perhaps the symptoms of selfishness, pride, and conceit aren’t that pronounced in your teen. Maybe it’s just a phrase, right? Wrong! A me-first outlook is not something teens simply grow out of. And when your son or daughter carries this selfish attitude into the next stage of life, the consequences are a lot more severe.

So how can you transform that selfish diva into a caring person? Here’s a few practical pointers.

Make It Uncomfortable

I get it. As moms and dads we want to give our kids the best things in life. If we didn’t have it growing up, we want to make sure our kids do. However, we have to be careful. Provision can quickly transform into enabling. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves, “If I give this to my teen, will it help her become a responsible adult or enable her to be a pampered kid?”

Sure, you can give your sixteen-year-old a car when she gets her license. But would handing over the keys teach her a valuable lesson about working and saving? Instead of taking your teen to the dealership, strike up a deal. You’ll pay for half of the car, and they have to pay the other half. This method is not as comfortable or as easy as simply giving a teenager what they want, but in this way, we’re actually helping our kids. We’re giving them the opportunity to gain necessary skills for the future. We’re training them to do the hard work that it takes to get what they want. And don’t you think your daughter will appreciate that car all the more because it’s her money that helped pay for it? You bet!

If you are providing for your teen’s every need and want: Stop! You’re simply feeding the diva syndrome! Push your teens out of the center of their universe by giving them assignments around the house to pay for cell phones, earn money for sneakers, and save for the class trip. Or encourage them to take an after-school job in order to provide for themselves in some capacity. Let them feel the satisfaction of hard work and reward. Stop enabling your child and you’ll train them out of their inner diva.

Share Those Feelings

The classic symptom of a diva is a callous disregard for other people’s feelings. A teenager displays this nastier side when they treat others with scorn or derision, or are rude and sarcastic. But insensitive behavior doesn’t mean your teen is missing a heart. We’re all born with the ability to empathize, but like a muscle, if we don’t exercise it, our empathy atrophies.

I know parents who have told me, “My kid is my whole world.” That’s a dangerous value system, moms and dads. When we allow our kids to be the center of the universe, we’re not giving them the opportunity to place other’s feelings and concerns above their own. And so that empathy muscle stagnates and is replaced by a superiority complex. Philippians 2:3 tells us, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” This is a needed lesson we can help our teens live out.

When disrespect rears its ugly head, point out the negative behaviors your teen is displaying, and describe how they make you feel. Start by saying something like, “You cannot call me stupid. Not only is that extremely hurtful to hear from someone I care about, it’s disrespectful. It makes me feel like my opinions and values are not important.” Explain how insults, put-downs, and sarcastic remarks can damage other people.

Let your teen practice empathy in the home as often as possible. A friend of mine came up with an ingenious way to give the compassion muscles in his kids a workout. He told each of his sons that before they could take a girl out on a date, they had to take their mom out first. They had to open doors, pay for meals, engage in conversation, and conduct themselves as gentlemen. If mom didn’t give them an “A” on the date, they would have to try again next month, until they could learn how to treat a lady on a date. The boys quickly learned how to value someone above themselves, and slowly destroyed that diva inside. Plus, those young men became the boyfriends that every girl wants to date!

Require Contribution

It seems to me that many young people today have a sense of selfish entitlement, looking to take rather than looking to contribute. It’s a generation of kids who have grown up believing that simply by existing, they deserve all the world offers. But this trend can be reversed. All it takes are parents who have the courage to require their kids to make a contribution.

What does that look like? It could be something as simple as mandating chores around the house. Teens can pull their own weight by doing household chores each day. Also, allow them input into family decisions, like where to vacation, where to go out for dinner, or what charity to support each year. One dad I know makes sure that each of his teens donates to an organization that works with needy children all over the world. His teens are empowered as they see the dramatic difference their small contributions have on the lives of children in other parts of the world.

That selfish diva in your house needs to go. That doesn’t mean you throw out your son or daughter. But it does mean your teen needs you to train them to drive out their narcissistic nature. We’re all prone to be selfish and self-serving. But these habits can be broken, and, with guidance and practice, your teen can transform from a selfish diva into a giving, caring person.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

What Heals the Damage Caused by Conflict?

I’ve been confronting kids for 40 years and it wasn’t any easier the last time as it was the first time I challenged or confronted behavior, attitudes, motives, or actions that I thought were unacceptable or inappropriate. One would think that after living with 2,500+ high school kids, that the act of confrontation would be simple and comfortable. It’s not. But I have learned this through the years. I’ve never liked the process of confrontation, but I sure love the results as conflict is a pre-cursor to change, not only in the life of the one I confront, but in my own life as well.

Face it, conflict will happen within every family. And when it does, there is always a possibility that something is said or insinuated that might be hurtful to each of the parties engaged in the dispute. In each case, whether a parent makes a mistake in the approach to the conflict (wrong timing or mishandled accusation) or in the content of the discussion (misinterpreted words or comments wrongly made in the “heat of the battle”), it is always the responsibility of the parent to follow-up these uncomfortable engagements with their child.

A follow-up conversation with your child affirms your relationship with them, and sends a loud and clear message that you can love them just as much when they’ve “blown it” or violated a defined family standard. More importantly, it gives the platform to follow up and correct any mistakes that they might have made in the process and ask for their continued love when you’ve done the same. My encouragement to parents is to move toward your child when you are right; and move toward them quicker when you think that you might have been or were perceived to wrongly hurt your child.

Not following up on hurtful actions of confrontations to either correct the mistakes you’ve made or affirm the relationship, is what allows conflict to cause damage to your relationship with your child. Remember that you’re not only resolving issues that you have with your child, but, more importantly you are setting the example of conflict resolution and teaching your child how to admit fault, assume a position of humility, and ask for forgiveness for any of your wrongdoing; all characteristics in a person’s life that are more caught than taught. This is one of those precious times when your kids get a sample of your example.

It’s a teachable moment that is only learned when a parent asks for forgiveness with a quiet spirit of humility. And it is a moment that is not quickly forgotten by your child. A home that is determined to never have conflict so that they will never have damage done to relationships misses the opportunity to not only display these Christ-like traits to one another, but also loose the chance to deepen a relationship with one another.

I’ve found this to be true. When I see a teen that is unable to show humility and ask for forgiveness for their wrongdoing or admit failure and mistakes, it is usually because they don’t see those qualities displayed at home by their parents. Moms and Dads, when you pursue your child to prevent or heal the damage you’ve caused in their life, they will learn to pursue you when they wrong you.

So what are some things that you can do to heal the damage caused by conflict within a family?

Learn to say phrases that show your vulnerability and sensitivity to the hurt that is caused in truthful situations or conversations, without letting go of the intent of the confrontation. In other words, there may not be a problem with your message; it just might have been able to be presented in a more effective manner. These follow up messages may sound like:

– “I was wrong in the way I approached you, but I feel strongly about my message. Will you forgive me for that and allow us to talk about it further?”

– “I made some comments that were out of line….I was wrong….and I’d like to start our discussion over… can we do that?”

– “I think what I said came out wrong. I never meant to hurt you. Would you give me a second chance to tell you what I was thinking?”

2. Be intentional in your discussion about forgiveness to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in your home. It is usually created when parents begin interactions with comments like “I was wrong today…”, or “I offended someone today and had to ask their forgiveness.” Or, “I confronted someone today and found out that I was the one in the wrong… boy, was I surprised.” Or simply say, “I messed up today.” And then talk about how you made a mistake. Never will your child respect you more than when and admit a mistake or fault, and ask for forgiveness from them or those around you.

Shock your kids and spouse and be intentional about admitting you’re wrong once in a while. This action displays a humble heart and gives permission for your child to not have to be the perfect person they feel they must be. The ability of parents to become humble and admit wrongdoing is the # 1 characteristic I see in families who relate well with one another. The desire to further a relationship with your child is always a higher calling to “always needing to be right”.

And finally, learn to let go of the hurt that others have caused you. Allow forgiveness to be a quality that your kids will always remember about you as you parent them the God parents you. Remember God’s statement in Jeremiah, “For I will forgive… and will remember their sins no more” (31:34). Forgiveness is giving up hope you’ll ever have a better past. Let it go, and trust God for the days ahead.

Follow these simple steps, and you’ll love the results; in your life and theirs. And you’ll be surprised how much you will learn in the process.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Survival Principles

Ever grab the lid on a steaming pot or pull a hot tray out of the microwave too soon? Ouch!

You don’t have to attend a weekend seminar on kitchen safety, or watch a ten-part DVD on high-tech ovens. You already know that hot things cause pain.

You get my point? It all comes down to a basic survival principle. When we experience pain, we avoid it in the future. In the same fashion, our teens learn from consequences, not from lectures, tirades, or angry outbursts.

So the next time your son or daughter steps out of line, take a moment to calm down, and resist the urge to give a speech. Instead, let the consequences do their wonderful work. When they feel the pain, they won’t touch it again!

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