talking Archives | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

When Nothing is Working

What if nothing seems to be working to encourage your teenager to head in a better direction? Perhaps you’ve applied consequences to correct their inappropriate behavior, and have progressively taken away many or all of their privileges, but they still break your rules and they still defy you.

Having a child who is struggling will wear you out. The parents who drop off their teenagers at our Heartlight residential counseling program are at their wit’s end, tired, and frazzled. They’ve literally spent every ounce of emotional energy in a struggle that has taken place over many months. It’s not easy for any parent to leave their child in the hands of strangers, but at that point, they are desperate for solutions.

There is never a good time in our busy lives to be faced with a crisis like dealing with a teenager caught in the spin cycle. Most parents describe the struggle as a “roller-coaster” or a “powder keg.” It can either be a time of the whole family banding together, or it can tear them apart. With what is at stake, the most important thing you can do for your teenager is to keep your relationship strong and prevent the struggle from becoming the focus of your life. You’ll have those “valley” days. Walk through the valley, and keep on walking, for as long as it takes.

One question I am often asked is, “What if my teen simply won’t talk to me?” My response is for the parent to look inward in this case to determine if there is anything they are doing to spark this behavior. Keep in mind that you can only change one person in this world — you. You cannot force your child to talk. So, ask your spouse or other family members if they see something in the way you are relating to your teen that may be turning them off. Or, maybe you haven’t spent enough time building a relationship, so you really shouldn’t expect your teenager to relate well to you. Remember, in their growing drive for independence, you’ll simply become a babysitter in their eyes if you have no relationship. You’re the one who keeps them from doing what they want to do, instead of the one who is helping them get to where they want to go in life.

To get teens to open up, I recommend you spend more time with them, as difficult as that can be. And spend more time asking questions than talking. In fact, I never share an opinion or my advice with a teenager unless it is asked for. I find that teens won’t listen to or heed my advice if they don’t ask for it. They may even feel like I am trying to control or put them down when I force my opinion on them. So, they put up their defenses; like a Texas Armadillo, those defenses can be formidable. They’ll roll up in a ball and not let anything break through their tough armor.

I also tell parents to pace themselves when things are out of control. Give it a break. Like any other activity, burnout can happen if there aren’t rest periods. Remember the timeouts you likely gave them when they were little? Well, maybe it is time for you to give yourself some timeouts, away from the stress. Even a night away can be enough refreshment to break the tension for a week or two. If not, in your fatigue, you will become more emotional, you’ll respond defensively or overreact, and you’ll come across in a worse way than you intended. You need some periodic rest.

One thing that can help at the low times is to pull out old pictures and videos to remember the good old days when your teen didn’t treat you like dirt. It will give you better perspective and strength to keep fighting for what’s right for your teenager even though it may be a totally one-sided and unappreciated fight for his future. Celebrate the good days. They’ll likely be few and far between for a time, but that’s okay. Let them prop you up. Enjoy each victory. Laugh with your teen. Reflect on the good, and hope for a future filled with more days like it.

Be sure to give the reins to God, and He will give you peace, strength, and the right perspective to deal with your teenager. Look at what may need changing in your own life. And finally, no matter how they’ve hurt you, and no matter what they’ve done, love your teen unconditionally, as God loves us.

Is having a teen who is spinning out of control a serious threat to them, to your marriage and to your entire family? You bet. So approach it with the intensity and wisdom needed to move them to resolution. Stick to your guns and get help from many sources. If you simply cannot control your teen and you fear for their safety and their future, you might want to give our Heartlight residential program a call or visit the website at www.heartlightministries.org. We’ve had over 25 years success in turning around thousands of teenagers. What you might save in the process is your child’s life and your family’s future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Getting Your Teen to Talk to You, Part 1

Student Story: Hope

The art of conversation is a two-way street. But what about when your kid stays silent, and you end up doing all the talking? This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston encourages parents to hold back, do a little introspection and practice listening before jumping into a conversation with their teens.

If you listen on a mobile phone or tablet, please download our Parenting Today’s Teens app available for Apple or Android. If you listen on a desktop or laptop computer, press the “play” button above to enjoy daily parenting advice.

3 Ways to Connect With Your Teen

Are you connecting with your teenager or growing farther apart every day? Here are three things you can do to communicate and connect on a deeper level.

So, what do you and your teen talk about? My guess is that you discuss such items as academics, work, behaviors, privileges, sports involvement, picking the right friends, choosing the right clothes, performing chores, and obeying the rules of the house.

Now, take a minute and think about what else you talk about. Pretty short list, isn’t it?

Most of what we talk about is what they’re doing or need to do, not about what they’re thinking or what their passions and goals are in life. This imbalance can create the impression that your relationships with your teen is determined by their actions and how they perform, versus your desire to really know them.

The point is this… talking to your teenager does not necessarily mean you’re communicating. In fact, too much talk can cover up what really needs to be said. Sometimes the most important connection with your teen can happen with very few words. Are you looking for ways to really connect with your teen’s deepest hopes, concerns and fears; or is the mode of communication between the two of you in an endless stream of superficial words, demands, and lecturing? I encourage you to stop the chatter, look for what’s under the surface, and connect with your teen in a more meaningful way.

Communicate By Asking Questions

The power of a parent asking questions is amazing. Everyone knows that when you are asked your opinion, you feel valued. I’m talking about “What do you think?” questions, not “What did you do?” questions. When asked in a non-condemning and non-prying way, these questions can convey a sense of value and relationship that is unparalleled by any other act of kindness. The movement toward a teen by asking them what they think lets them know you have an interest in them and that you value their opinion.

Talking to your teenager does not necessarily mean you are communicating. In fact, too much talk can cover up what really needs to be said.

So, ask your teen lots of questions. Not ones that make them uncomfortable, but the kind of questions that make them think about things. Find out how they would do something, where they would go, and why they think a certain way. Talk about controversial subjects as you would to a friend or co-worker for whom you have extreme respect. Never belittle their opinions about things. After all, did you know everything when you were a teen?

If parents don’t ask questions, they could be missing serious hidden situations in the life of their teen. Wise parents understand that anything can happen today, so they maintain an open line of communication with their teen to prevent things from getting out of hand if it does happen. Foolish parents never give it any thought, so they never ask questions. The most common comment I hear from the parents of hundreds of struggling teens is this: “I never knew this could happen to my child.” Let me assure you from years and years of experience that anything can happen to anyone at any time.

Engaging with your teen through the power of caring inquiry is crucial, but you must also learn to keep your mouth shut long enough to hear your teen’s answer. If you know something is wrong, be sure to inquire past their first “Nothing’s wrong” answer. And when the real answer comes out, regardless of how bad or shocking it is, don’t respond with anger or disappointment. Just listen. Establishing a line of communication is far more important at this point than scolding or getting your “I told you so” point across.

Sometimes just by asking questions you empower teens to apply the values you have taught them to their own current situation. Your questions might also encourage your teen to ask questions of you. And if she does start asking questions, she might be inviting you to a dark and shameful corner of her world. I always tell parents to ask questions, because I know it works.

Communicate Respect in Times of Conflict

Maintaining an attitude of respect is key. It is basically putting your child first and showing them respect, even as you demand the same of them. This affects your tone and demeanor, since you wouldn’t yell at, belittle, or talk down to someone you respect. Show grace and respect in the way you communicate to your teen and they’ll learn to do the same with you.

In times of conflict, my goal for every difficult and sometimes heated discussion is this: At the end of the argument, I want there to be an opportunity for us to hug one another, even if I didn’t change my mind nor lessened the consequences. That’s the goal. Even if we can’t agree, I still remain in charge, and we can at least agree to disagree because it was all talked out.

Being respectful has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has nothing to do with the discipline you may need to apply to their behavior. It has everything to do with maintaining the right approach whenever you talk to your teen, and thereby maintaining your relationship. Sometimes when you need to address an issue, I again recommend asking a question. Asking a thoughtful question can help engage their thinking process and the system of beliefs you’ve taught them. You may be surprised to find they come to the right conclusion all on their own when they are shown respect in this way.

III. Communicate by Listening More, Speaking Less

Not talking is one action. Listening is another action. Just because you’re not talking doesn’t mean you’re listening. God gave us two ears and one mouth because He wanted us to listen twice as much as we talk (okay, not really, but it gets the point across). You may hear what your teen is saying, but are you really listening without trying to correct him or get him to answer the correct way?

Most of the time, your teen says things to you or to others not to communicate valuable information, but simply to process life. She doesn’t need a response or a judgment, she doesn’t need an opinion or a solution, and she probably isn’t really asking for anything. She just needs a listening ear. So take time to listen – slowly.

A Sunday school teacher once asked the ten-year-olds in her class, “What’s wrong with grown-ups?” A boy responded, “Grown-ups never really listen because they already know what they’re going to answer.”

If this sounds like you, it may be time to admit that listening is not something you do well. Polishing up your listening skills is never a bad idea. Good listening habits can easily get tossed aside in the business of life. But the way you listen to your child goes a long way in determining his willingness to share his deep concerns with you. And if you ever want him to listen to you, then you had better teach him how to listen by your example. Practice listening to your child. Position yourself at his eye level, and make lots of eye contact. And don’t worry about your answers.

She doesn’t need a response or a judgment, she doesn’t need an opinion or a solution, and she probably isn’t really asking for anything. She just needs a listening ear.

All teens want to do is talk and have someone listen to them. If a teen shares what is on her heart, and that is missed by a parent more concerned about the delivery of the message than the heart of the communication, that teen will eventually quit sharing. If your teen is in the shutdown mode, there is a reason. And the reason may be that you aren’t listening to what’s being said anyway.

Most kids want to say, “My parents listened to me, and they heard me and they valued me.” For your kid to say that, I’d say you are moving toward perfection. If you are willing to just listen, you might touch the heart of your teen and convey a sense of value. Don’t worry about your answer, just focus on listening as your teen shares their heart.

If you’ve been a bad listener, keep working at it, and share your desire to be a better listener. Find opportunities for your teen to talk, even it seems a bit forced at first. Eventually, with diligence on your part, your teen will again learn to trust their dreams, thoughts and questions with you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR