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Know Pain Know Gain

Know Pain Know Gain If pain were knocking on your door, you wouldn’t welcome him, invite him in, or help him in any way. You would send him to the next neighborhood, reassuring him that he was at the wrong address.

Parents in trouble with their teen call me when they are in pain and need help, but I’ve learned that many are just looking for an affirmation or justification of their own plan or ideas. Sadly, most people only accept advice when they agree with it, when it fits into their own time schedule, and when the outcome is what they predicted.

To illustrate that point, I once worked with a daughter whose father paid for an apartment after she graduated high school. I urged against placing her outside of his home, on her own, for a number of reasons. I did all in my power to convince him against his unwise decision of letting her go before she was ready. Tragically, our worst fear came true, and through a deadly set of circumstances, Kristen lost her life, and the man lost a daughter.

“He who trusts himself is a fool…” Proverbs 28:26a

Another father called asking for my help unraveling his teenager’s rotten behavior. His description of the situation was confusing, his plan of action was weird, and his intent was just a little off. After I listened to him ramble on for 30 minutes, I stopped him and said, “Are you asking for my blessing on your plan, or my counsel? Your best thinking has gotten you into the situation that you’re currently in. So let’s stop following the way you’re thinking and come up with some new ways of handling it.” He then broke down saying, “I think I was at first asking for a blessing, but now I’d like for you to tell me what I need to do.” It was a picture of a foolish man becoming wise.

Parenting a struggling teen will bring you face to face with your worst fears. Fear for the safety and well being of your child. Fear for their future. Fear of how others will respond to your having a problem to begin with. You may not realize it, but another description of fear is emotional pain.

Parents never expect pain when raising a child. In fact, they do everything in their power to avoid it in their life and the life of their child. Even so, when a problem is ignored because they don’t know how to deal with it, or they hide it for fear of being exposed, or they fail to listen to wise counsel — pain can come to rule in their lives.

To lessen the pain, the tendency is to look for a “quick fix” for the troubled teenager, when in reality, God may be using this painful situation expressly for the purpose of bringing about a change in the parent. Most of the parents I work with say they had to change before any real progress could be made with their teen. When a parent changes, it creates a wonderful model for a child to also recognize his own foolish thinking.

It’s difficult to learn that we don’t always have all the answers. But it is a good lesson to learn. Parents in the midst of pain are in the worst position to correct their own situation, but in the best position to be changed by it. Openly admitting that problems exist, and finding good counsel to work through those issues on the parenting side of the equation, will go a long way toward solving the teen’s issues as well.

I like what CS Lewis said about pain. He said, “I know God wants the best for us. I just wonder how painful it’s going to be.” It reminds me that God’s intention is not to allow us to be in pain for pain’s sake, but that He uses pain for our ultimate good. I know you would never choose the pain of the troubles you are experiencing with your teenager, but believing God has a higher purpose in allowing you to experience it may help you embrace and learn from it.

About the Author

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 39 years, has two kids, and 4 grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, 2 llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy. His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with over 2,500 teens, has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents.

Visit www.HeartlightMinistries.org to find out more about the residential counseling center for teens, or call Heartlight directly at 903. 668.2173. For more information and helpful other resources for moms and dads, visit www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org, It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Here you will also find a station near you where you can listen to the Parenting Today’s Teens radio broadcast, or download the podcast of the most recent programs.

Modesty in a Seductive Teen Culture

Modesty in a Seductive Teen Culture I live with 35 high school girls who fully understand the need for modesty, but are challenged to “fit in” to a culture that doesn’t exactly affirm the values they know to be true. I, as all our staff at Heartlight, face this issue on a daily basis.

Remember the crazy fads in the late 60′s and 70′s? The tie-dyed shirts, the beads, headbands, and the peace symbols? When I was in high school my dad hated my bushy sideburns and long hair, my purple bell bottoms and boots that came up over my knees. It was a fad to look like the rock idols of the day and that look was in. My appearance made no sense to my parents, but it made a lot of sense to me at the time.

I bet there are things your parents didn’t like about the way you dressed as a teenager. Chances are, you don’t still dress that way, and when you look at those old pictures you may giggle, as I do, about how foolish you looked back then.

Today, I mostly hear from concerned parents of teenage girls who want to dress too seductively. They wonder how to deal with the issue of seduction when it has become so pervasive in our culture.

Teens today live in a world of sexual innuendo, where outward packaging and presentation is all important. The definition of modesty has changed for them, not so much because of the lack of values taught by parents, but because of the overwhelming exposure given to seductive lifestyles.

For the most part, dressing seductively is just a fad, and all fads pass soon enough. If your teen wants to be in on the fad of the moment, it doesn’t mean much of anything about her character, other than that she is playing out a role on the stage of adolescence. Generally speaking, she hasn’t gone off the deep end just because she wants to wear current fashions.

This fad can be a challenge for parents to manage, since the Internet, coupled with books, television, music videos and movies, have all inundated our kids with seductive images and inappropriate suggestions. Highly sexualized lifestyles are touted as normal, so girls face extreme social pressure to look and act seductively as well.

Girls from good Christian homes often tell me they are torn between doing what is acceptable by their peer group to “fit in,” and doing what is taught them by their families and church. More times than not, the social pressures for the teen to look and act like their peers will win out when they are in school or out with their friends. But they will soon realize that the end result of their seductive presentation — when guys do pay attention — is not always what they expected, or what they really wanted in the first place.

My advice for parents is to not flip out when your daughter is just trying to fit in. Using harsh words that defame her character such as, “you look like a …” will only push her deeper into the negative behavior. Rather, calmly and regularly address the more important issue of modesty. Focusing on modesty, versus putting down the current fashion as our own parents did with us, will eliminate the perceived generation gap. And that way, when the next fad comes along she’ll understand her boundaries within that fad as well.

KEY POINT: Make sure she understands that modesty is an important part of your family’s values and that’s not an area you’ll allow to be compromised, no matter what the current culture or fad says.

Is maintaining modesty going to be easy? No. But by being diligent and also showing that you understand her need to fit in with the culture she lives in, you’ll be able to maintain a great relationship with your little princess as you navigate and struggle through these tough waters. In the long run, a strong and open relationship with your child, coupled with uncompromising values of modesty, will best insure that she maintains appropriate dress, even when you aren’t looking.

“…have(ing) righteous principles in the first place…they will not fail to perform virtuous actions.” – Martin Luther

Dressing seductively is a fad today for teenage girls…you think? Like any other fad, it will pass soon enough. Parenting teenage girls to be modest in their appearance in the midst of this fad is a tough place to be, and every concerned parent I know hopes it will pass a little quicker. But then again, who knows what the next fad will bring?

About the Author

Dousing the Flame: Dealing with Teenager Anger

Dousing the Flame: Dealing with Teenager Anger For Lucas, it started in high school. “I guess I have a face and personality that invites bullies,” he told me. Kids in class would ridicule Lucas’ clothes, mock his behavior, laugh at where he came from, and deride him constantly. But in teen culture, you can’t show weakness. Teens know that if you let on to bullies that they’re affecting you, you’re giving them an open invitation to continue the abuse. So Lucas put on his impervious face each day, and endured the barrage of mistreatment at school. But that kind of ill-treatment wears you down. “When I would finally come home,” explained this young man, “the littlest thing would set me off. I mean, my mom would ask me to take out the trash and I could feel the anger building. At first I wouldn’t talk, but that made my mom mad, so eventually all this anger would just, kinda, explode. I would yell, throw things, break things. My mom didn’t know what to do.”

Lucas’ story is not unique. Many of the teens who walk through the doors of Heartlight have trouble dealing with anger. And that leaves parents at a loss, as well. Seeing your teen seethe quietly with rage, or spew anger in violent outbursts can be overwhelming, and perhaps frightening. Unfortunately, anger perpetuates anger. If your child is stomping around the house mad, chances are mom and dad will start being a little miffed as well. Then it becomes a cycle of anger that is difficult to break.

Let me offer some suggestions to deal with an angry teen and bring a level of peace and calm to your family.

Step Back

Engaged in a heated argument with your teen, you may feel that as a parent, your job is to stand up for your authority and take charge. But when tempers flare and anger starts to rise, the best thing you can do as a mom or dad is to take a step back, either emotionally, or even physically. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “This conversation is becoming too heated. Can I respond later?” It is healthy to excuse yourself from the situation, and invite your teen to do the same. “I think we’re both pretty angry right now. Let’s take a break and cool off, and talk about this later.” Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” It’s very possible your son or daughter will try to draw you back into an angry dialogue and continue the fight. But don’t let them pull you down into that mess. Pull them up by instituting breaks, pauses and necessary breathers. In that way, you’re nipping the anger in the bud before it has a chance to catch fire and do some real damage.

Find the Heart

You’ve probably heard me say this before, but anger is a response to an unmet need. Whether your child blows up, or clams up, it’s a sign that they are not getting something they want. We see this happen when a toddler throws a fit in the store because you put the sugary cereal back on the shelf, or stomps his little feet when you don’t buy him the toy he wants. With teens, the unmet need may be something much more substantial. They might be longing for a meaningful connection with a friend. Or maybe they’re looking for acceptance from a parent or a peer. In Lucas’ case, he would express his anger when he needed to feel safe and valued for a change. Mom and Dad; there is always a reason behind your teen’s frustration. So get to the heart of the issue. Start asking questions to expose the need in your teen’s life. What’s happening at school? What’s going on at home? What’s happening with friends? Does your daughter feel clumsy and ugly? Does your son feel untalented or non-gifted? Is there a habit your teen can’t break, or a relationship they want fixed? Do a little investigation in your son or daughter’s life, and find the root of the anger. If you address the need, you’re well on your way to stopping the anger.

Get Active

This is a tool I use extensively with the teens I counsel. When voices start rising, and fists start clenching, I abruptly interrupt and say, “Let’s go take a walk.” Standing still, it’s likely that anger will build and build until something gives. But Joe Shrand, M.D., an instructor at Harvard Medical School, points to studies that have shown activity actually helping to diffuse anger. It’s an outlet for all those pent up emotions that are quivering for a release. So go for a run, work on an art project, replace the oil in the car. Channel those feelings of frustration into a worthwhile activity. Many times, taking a walk around the neighborhood releases the steam that has been building in your child all day. Releasing endorphins through physical exercise or switching on a different part of the brain by starting a new activity helps displace those angry feelings. I find it interesting that some of the most inspirational works of art, including music, poetry and paintings, have been created from a place of anger. So when frustration starts to take hold, get moving! Activity is often the best prescription for teen anger.

Get Outside Help

Anger is a volatile emotion, and so it’s difficult to control at times. Even when you’re doing the best you can, and employing all the tools at your disposal, your teen may still struggle with anger. When what you’re doing is not working—it’s time to get outside help. That may mean calling in a counselor or therapist to help you and your teen work through these emotions. Maybe it means giving me a call, and having your son or daughter spend some time at Heartlight, away from home, working with our caring and compassionate team to help solve the anger issues.

Sometimes when anger turns violent, getting outside help may even mean getting the authorities involved. I know that’s a drastic step. But your teen cannot be allowed to hurt someone else, or themselves, because they are angry. And when your teenage son is not only bigger than you, but has the strength and energy of raging bull, mom and dad can be out of their league when they try to control the situation. That’s when you need to call in the police, and protect your family and your child. Look, it’s better for your son to spend a short time in jail now, than to end up in prison later. The consequences of violent behavior only increase as a child gets older. If your teen is abusing others, the best thing you can do is call the police. When the boys in blue come knocking on your door, they may provide the wake-up call your teen needs to cool down and realize that you are serious about the issue.

In case you were wondering, Lucas (the young man struggling with bullies and being angry at home) spent some time at Heartlight, and is making vast improvements in the way he is handling his frustrations. I think he is special, but Lucas is not that much different than your teen. If he can learn to get a handle on anger, so can your son or daughter. All it takes is a mom and dad ready to step in and help.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a counseling facility for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. Check out our website, www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org. It’s filled with effective parenting ideas, helpful articles, and practical tools and resources for moms and dads. Visit our website, where you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens podcast, or find a radio station near you to listen to our broadcasts. You can also call us directly at 1-866-700-3264 to find out about any upcoming events.