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Insightful Student Stories of 2015

Student Story: Various

There are thousands of books and articles written about raising kids. But sometimes, the most insightful advice comes straight from kids themselves! On this weekend’s edition of Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston invites us to rediscover several of his most memorable conversations with Heartlight students from the past year.

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The Honest Truth About Teen Dishonesty

Merry Christmas from Parenting Today's TeensAlways tell the truth.  If you can’t always tell the truth, don’t lie. –Author Unknown

Have you ever told a little white lie?  Ever crossed your fingers behind your back when you did it?  One of the legends regarding that little act originated with Roman persecution of Christians. It was said that to escape death, those who lied about their faith in Christ, just as Peter did, made the sign of the cross behind their back to ask God’s forgiveness.  It seems that somehow, sign language would nullify the deceit!

The legend of crossing your fingers seems like a myth to me.  But what is not a myth is the fact that many teenagers today are making a habit of “crossing their fingers behind their backs.”  A recent Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth, by the Josephson Institute of Ethics, shows that 61% of teens admit to lying to a teacher about something important, and a whopping 76% admitted to lying to their parents last year.  Another study, this one conducted in Britain, indicates that an overwhelming 84% of teens said they’ve regularly copied information from the Internet and pasted it right into their homework.

But it wasn’t necessarily those numbers that shocked me.  What really rocked me back on my heels was that this recent study of American teenagers reported that while over 50% of teenagers admitted lying, cheating, or stealing within that last year, 93% of those same kids said they are “satisfied with their personal ethics and character.” In addition, 81% of those teenagers said that “when it comes to doing what’s right, they are better than most people they know.”

It would seem, sadly, that while dishonesty is taking a hold of more and more teenagers, they are blind to the fact that it is morally wrong. While it is in no way an excuse, we cannot overlook the way our culture glorifies all forms of dishonesty. I think we’d all be hard-pressed to name five unimpeachably honest public figures today.  Who hasn’t turned on the TV or read the news in which a politician, business leader, sports figure, police officer, teacher or even a judge — those people we look up to as role models — has been caught in a lie, or has had a scandal exposed?  And let’s not forget the explosion of popular, so-called, “reality” TV shows, whose strategy is usually based on deception and lying in order to gain a monetary prize or fame.  While we should stress to our kids that we are all accountable for our own decisions, it’s difficult to reinforce the standards of honesty in a society that seems to broadcast that dishonesty is the far better road to travel.

So how can we reverse those statistics, and help our kids embrace truth over the lies?

Monitor the Media

Due to its anonymity and ease, the Internet is often a place where dishonesty abounds.  Within the safety of the web, teens can speak or act out anything they desire, regardless if it’s the truth.  Parents should be realize that such web-based deception can spill over and fuel an attitude of dishonesty in other areas of a teen’s life, as well.

When it comes to the Internet, or other forms of media, I tell parents to follow their instincts. Even if there is no obvious cause for concern, they should keep a wary eye on their child’s online surfing and make it a policy to know all of their teenager’s web passwords.  In fact, I recommend parents install good monitoring software to track all of their teen’s Internet activity.  Knowing that mom and dad are monitoring will go a long way toward keeping the teen honest in what they see, do and say on the Internet.

Make it a point to discuss with your teen the values they see in movies, television, or music.  Though we cannot control all the input that our kids receive on a daily basis, we can use media opportunities to have discussions about life, morality and values.  After a watching a television program or movie, ask your child afterward, Why did that character act that way?  What do you think they were trying to gain?  Do you think they will ultimately achieve something by acting dishonestly?  What would you do differently? These types of questions can steer your child into interpreting what they see and hear in more honest ways.

Reduce the Pressure to Perform

Lofty academic expectations can put a lot of pressure on a teen to cheat. Holding kids to unnecessarily high achievement standards can often spur kids to achieve good grades at any cost. These looming stresses at school are more troubling for kids than many parents realize.  In fact, the Journal of Adolescent Health found that the stress to perform well in school keeps 68% of students awake at night.  With a lack of sleep, students have a reduced ability to think clearly and handle stress, so it becomes a vicious cycle.  As they fall farther behind, overwhelmed students may be tempted to cheat and lie their way to academic success.

If your child has been caught cheating at school, perhaps it’s time to bring the expectations down to a serviceable level for your teen.  Of course, we want our kids to do well in school, but we’d all agree that we want them to do so honestly.  It’s far better to have “C” student who came by their grades fairly, than an “A” student who was compelled to cheat because of unrealistic pressure at home.  By your words and actions, tell your children that grades and academic achievement don’t matter as much as honesty.

Don’t Avoid or Ignore the Problem

While dishonesty may seem like a minor issue in comparison to other problems like drug abuse, sexual promiscuity and eating disorders, it is a vice that parents should not ignore. Dishonesty is rooted in an attitude of disrespect—disrespect for others, authority, possessions, family’s values, and disrespect for oneself.  If you ignore your teen’s dishonest actions today, you may have to deal with bigger problems later.  Deceit won’t go away with the mere passage of time.  It will reappear at significant stress points later in your child’s life—when they go off to college, get a job, or get married.  Getting away with lying, cheating or theft today can lead to a lifetime of dishonesty, and that can land them in real heartache in the future.

If you’ve seen dishonesty creeping into how your teen talks or acts, or if you’ve learned they have cheated or stolen something, today is the day to expose it.  Here’s how to deal with the problem properly.  First, briefly describe the dishonest behavior, so you both know what happened.  Second, tell your child how you feel about it and how it that action is neither wise nor moral.  Then, most importantly, affirm that you know they can do better.  Let your teen know that you believe they can change their behavior.  Give them the confidence to do what’s right.  After your discussion, have your teen right their wrong, including confessing to whomever was wronged from the dishonesty, cheating or theft.  Finally, enforce appropriate consequences and make sure they know that you will be on the lookout for any form of dishonesty in the future.

Also, be sure to model honesty yourself, and make it a habit to be truthful.  If you think you’ve hidden dishonesty from them in the past, think again. Teens are extremely intuitive and they can spot hypocrisy a mile away.  If you know you’ve been dishonest in front of your teen, ask their forgiveness, and give yourself some consequences for the bad behavior, so your teen knows how important it is to be honest.  Teens need some good role models in regard to honesty.  Live out Proverbs 8:7, and your teen will follow suit; I always speak the truth and refuse to tell a lie.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.


Hear Their Stories

Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story – those He redeemed from the hand of the foe.”  (Psalm 107:2)

I love a good story. The kids who have walked through the doors of the Heartlight Campus come brimming with their own personal stories of trials, failures, successes, and reconciliation.  Some kids are free and unguarded with their life stories.  Others, you have to dig a little, and establish a sense of trust before they open up.  But for every teen that graduates from the Heartlight program, they add new, encouraging chapters to their lives that offer them, and their parents, hope.  I’ve decided to share some of these accounts with you this week.  As you read them, maybe you’ll recognize the issues your own child faces.  Or perhaps you’re at the end of your rope, and could use reassurance that God will bring you and your child through these difficult times.  That’s the power of a good story—to learn and gain encouragement from the experiences of others.

Bethany*

I guess you could say I was a Daddy’s girl, but that soon changed as I got older.  As a teenager, I lived in the constant shadow of my older sister.  She was a straight-A student, a ballerina, and a model Christian girl.  But I was none of those things.  I was more of a tomboy, and liked hanging out with guys, or playing sports.  And I was definitely not a great student!  I always felt my parent’s disappointment that I couldn’t be like my sister.  They constantly got on me about my grades, or who I hung out with, the clothes I was wearing, and a bunch of other characteristics about me that they didn’t like.

Since I couldn’t live up to my parent’s expectations, I decided to go to the other extreme, and be the exact opposite of what they wanted.  I got into partying BIG time, and I made a lot of bad decisions.  When I would come home, late at night, my parents would jump all over me about it.  I would either ignore them, or blow up, and act totally disrespectfully.  But I didn’t know any other way!  I knew I was messing up, and I knew I was in the wrong, but I wanted my mom and dad to sit down and talk with me, instead of comparing me to my sister.

Being at Heartlight was tough.  But over the course of my time there, I learned how to communicate better, and how to listen.  My parents learned a lot as well.  Now we have a great relationship.  They listen to me when I talk, and it makes me want to listen to them when they give me advice.  I discovered that it wasn’t that they wanted me to be like my sister; they just wanted what’s best for me.  So I put the partying aside, and I’m really focusing on being the best daughter, I can be.

Aimee*

My relationship with my mom was really messed up.  She would talk to me like I was one of her adult friends, not like I was her daughter.  My mom would share very personal matters, things that a teenager should not hear from her parents.  And then she would ask my advice!  It was uncomfortable and strange.  One minute she would be talking to me like a girlfriend, and the next she would act like a mom and tell me what to do.  Since I didn’t feel like her daughter in the relationship, I really didn’t listen to anything she said.

My relationship with my mom got so bad that I couldn’t even stay in the house anymore.  I wound up running away to my abusive boyfriend’s house, and staying there.  It was sad that I choose to be with an abusive boyfriend over being with my parents.

But the staff and counselors at Heartlight gave me the tools I needed to build a better relationship with my mom.  Now, I set boundaries on what she can and cannot tell me.  I enjoy talking with her again.  It’s feels good knowing that she is my mom first, and my friend second.

Mason*

I was both a bully and the bullied.  I would dread going to school, knowing that kids there were ready to tear me down.  Most of the torment centered around me being adopted.  The kids would say things like, “No one loves you,” or “Why don’t you just stay home where you belong.”  I didn’t want them to know that they could hurt me or affect me, so I would either try to ignore them, or lash out at them the best I could.

In high school, I started having suicidal thoughts and began to hurt others emotionally.  I didn’t want to get close to anyone, ever.  And every year in high school, it got worse and worse, till I didn’t want to leave my house.

It was at Heartlight that I made the connection between the constant bullying I experienced at school, and my dark thoughts.  Though I tried to pretend the taunts and insults didn’t get to me, I had started to believe that what the bullies said was true.  I saw how I was trying to protect myself and my feelings by closing others out, and trying to hurt myself.  It’s still a long process, and I am working on dealing with these issues, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Monique*

I had a big problem with lying, and I wasn’t even good at it!  I never got away with any of the lies I told to my parents or friends.  But I couldn’t help myself.  Lying was my first impulse.  And the more lies I told, the more I believed them myself.  It got to the point where I couldn’t distinguish between my lies and the truth very well.

But I was afraid that people would see who I really was.  I’ve gone through many tough obstacles in life, and I didn’t want my mom, dad, or friends to know.  I was scared that when they saw the “real” me, they would judge me and not understand.  I thought it was better to appear normal in someone else’s eyes, than to be normal.

Thankfully, I went to Heartlight, where I could focus on getting past my need to lie about who I was.  They taught me how to journal, and write down my goals, likes, and hobbies for myself.  It was at Heartlight that I discovered who I really was, and I felt free for the first time in a long time.  It’s still tough to be honest and let people see the real me, but I can see the benefits of truth way more than the temporary relief of a lie.

Did you see your child in one of these stories?  Or maybe you saw a little bit of yourself.  It’s harder than ever to be a teenager these days, and it’s harder to be a parent, as well.

In the midst of trying times with your teenager, remember that the story isn’t over.  I’ve been blessed to see the redemptive end to many of my student’s accounts, but there are still many more kids I am praying for as I watch their lives unfold.  Mom and Dad, remember that God is not finished writing your son or daughter’s story.  Trust that He is faithful, and He will finish what He starts in the life of your teen.

*Names have been changed

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, located in Hallsville, Texas.  For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our website.  It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent.  Go to www.heartlightministries.org.  Or read other helpful articles by Mark, at www.markgregston.com.  You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.  Hear the Parenting Today’s Teens broadcast on a radio station near you, or download the podcast at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.