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Recognizing and Preventing “Mean Girls”

These dangerous creatures tend to run in tight packs. Using finely tuned senses, they are able to spot vulnerable prey, and once they have their sights set on a target, it is tough to refocus their attention. With swift ferociousness, they can easily rip their prey apart, leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

I’m not talking about animals on the African plain. I’m talking about “mean girls.” These are the young ladies that are more than just “not nice.” They can be downright cruel and vindictive towards others they deem weaker or those they see as a threat. Their weapons of choice are emotional pain, put downs, degradation, and intentional humiliation.

Before you write off mean girls as myth, there’s a significant amount of evidence for their existence. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) found that one in four adolescent girls has been the perpetrator of or has participated in a violent act in the past year. Another recent national survey revealed that 33 percent of female students reported being bullied at school. And simply catch the national news, or read about teen suicides brought about by relentless teasing and emotional violence by other kids. Mean girls do exist, and the pain they cause can be devastating.

So how do you know if your teenage daughter is one of these mean girls? And what can you do to change her ways?

Stay Watchful

Today’s culture is tough on girls. We live in a performance-driven society where worth is determined by how you look, what you do, or what you have. Add to that the violence and sexuality portrayed in the media and the lack of solid female role models, and we have an environment ripe for mean girls. The drive to compete for attention, popularity, or individuality, pushes these girls to be more sexual, more violent, or to devalue themselves based on the performance treadmill.

Though I don’t excuse their behavior, every mean girl I’ve met is really an insecure child, trying to live up to unreal expectations. Generally, the meanness is a coping mechanism to survive in a performance-driven environment. So these girls try to bring up their own self-esteem by insulting or putting other girls down. If they can make another person look bad, perhaps they’ll look better. This can also happen when a new girl arrives at school, or another girl gets more attention from guys, teachers and parents, making the other girls feel threatened. Desperate for attention, the “mean girls” go out of their way to tear that person down.

As parents, we cannot shy away from the issue. It does no good to stick our heads in the sand and say, “Well, that’s girls for you,” and leave it at that. We need to look for the warning signs of a mean girl attitude, and nip them in the bud. If you see your daughter developing habits of mocking other people, dressing more provocatively, picking fights with siblings or parents or growing an angry or spiteful demeanor, it’s time to dig a little deeper.

Stay Involved

Through my years counseling with parents and teens, I have seen how loving parents can be blindsided by a child who becomes a “mean girl.” Mom and dad sit in my office, shocked to hear how their little girl is terrorizing someone else. “We had no idea!” they tell me. It can be difficult to see our children as capable of abusing or hurting other people. But to prevent your daughter from becoming a mean girl, or to stop your daughter from a habit of bullying, it is critical that parents stay active and involved.

This may result in having all the passwords to your teen’s online accounts. With the anonymity of the Internet, kids are finding what I call “digital courage,” and using Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites to say things that they wouldn’t say in person. Cyber bullying is a growing problem as teens and adults lob emotional bombs while hiding behind the anonymity of the Internet. So keep tabs on your child’s online activity. If you discover any cyber bullying, deal with it as soon as possible. Be sure to stress the damage that such abuse can cause, then enact stiff consequences for such behavior.

Stay involved with friends as well. Ask questions about the people your daughter hangs out with, and what they do together. If your child is hanging out with girls who are sarcastic or hurtful to others, talk honestly about the concerns you have. Let her know that you don’t want her to be a mean girl, and character is more important than fitting in.

Staying involved with your child may also mean enlisting the help of pastors, teachers, mentors, or professionals to help your daughter work through some tough issues. Many times the mean girls are the ones who were bullied before, and they are simply repeating what they have experienced. Stay engaged with your child, and dig into the cause for their behavior. Maintaining a relationship with your daughter goes a long way in overcoming a mean girl attitude.

Stay Proactive

I don’t think it’s enough to simply stop girls from bullying other girls. To really make a change in the heart of a mean girl we have to be proactive! And that can start in the home. Make a point to stop mocking others in your family. If you find yourself participating in insulting others, or tearing people down, swallow your pride and admit your mistake in front of your daughter. Let her know you are willing to change and become more positive with your family and others.

Another way to be proactive is to challenge your daughter to place herself in someone else’s shoes. One of my favorite quotes is from the book To Kill a Mockingbird, in which a courageous lawyer tells his young daughter, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.” This is the best advice for dealing with a mean girl. Show them how their actions are affecting others. Tell them how destructive bullying can be. Ask them to see things from another person’s view.

Even if you don’t have a mean girl, you can still be proactive in preventing bullying, and that’s by encouraging the bystanders. Too many times, others watch as kids are picked on, abused, or treated poorly. The passivity of bystanders allows bullying to continue without consequences. But if we model and teach our teens the importance of standing up for the little guy and protecting those who are being victimized, we can make a serious dent in the bullying problem.

A recent news story illustrates this idea. A teenage girl, who had been the target of abuse from other girls, was nominated for the homecoming dance queen as a cruel joke. Humiliated and distraught, the young lady had thoughts of suicide. But once word got around about the mistreatment, the entire town rallied behind this young girl, offering her free haircuts, prom dresses, dinners, and limos. They started a Facebook page, where caring individuals from all over showed their support and scolded the bullies. And many of the kids from the school stood behind her and supported the joke nomination as a reality. The day of the dance, this teenage girl went to homecoming with her head held high, and was crowned the dance queen. The positive actions of the people in the town stopped the bullies dead in their tracks. We need more people like that. Let’s teach our kids to be brave and bold, and stand up for those who need assistance and help.

Mean girls don’t have to be a fact of life. There are positive steps you can take to prevent it. With a little proactive effort, we can transform that carnivorous lioness into a gentle kitten.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

A Father’s Critical Role

Don’t be fooled into thinking that dads aren’t all that important. Kids need dads to validate their self-worth. Many problems can come to a family and to future relationships for the children when a dad is absent or not as involved with his kids as they need him to be.

Not only does an absent dad make it hard on the mom – who then tries to play both roles, but it is also confusing to the children. Mom the nurturer has to become mom the authoritarian, and the kids will begin to feel a void in their life that can create relational minefields in their future.

What about when a dad is there, but he remains disengaged? This too can be a problem; maybe an even bigger problem than an absent dad. It can lead to a loss in a child’s self-worth and identity. They begin thinking that they are not important or not worthy of dad’s attention, or worse yet, they’re a burden to him. As a result, they can develop insecurities and anxieties and may never feel they measure up or are good enough – not to anyone.

Each parent has a separate role when it comes to building a child’s self-esteem.

Moms instill value in her children and dads validate it. If mom is doing her job, but dad is not right behind her doing the validating, a son may enter into inappropriate relationships to do that for him, or a daughter may go out to find a boy or even an older man who will do the same. They want someone to validate their self worth; but they can only get that from dad.

But what is validation? It’s kind of like a stamp of approval. It tells the child that they are loved and accepted for who they are, regardless. It validates that they are a valued and important part of the family and that they are a beautiful person worthy of the adoration of a father. Can’t you just tell a child that? Of course you can, and you should! But actions speak louder than words. Validation comes from showing you are interested in the child and not only willing to spend time with them, but that you cannot wait for the next time you two can spend together. It’s a very special and important part of your life.

What if the Father is Absent?

If your child does not have a father, or someone to fill that role in their life; it is important to ask your pastor or youth minister, or other family members to fill that void in a positive way for your child.

I knew a man who was slowly passing away from terminal cancer. Before he passed, he asked six different men to look after his children when he was gone. Now that is dedication. This man understood the importance of the role of the father. He wanted at least six men to be looking out for his children, to be sure they would have the support and validation they so desperately need, especially after the loss of a father they loved so much.

My Teen Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with Me

Not every dad knows how to be a good father, because they didn’t have a good example in their own life. That could be why there is a rift in your relationship. A shift in your parenting to become a validator will allow you to experience something you may never have had before in a relationship.

Perhaps you are struggling with your teen and sometimes just want to cut off the relationship and say “Enough is enough!” So maybe you’ve gotten overly involved in projects, sports or work and avoid your child. But even unruly children want their dad to offer them the same amount attention and dedication. They may not say it. They may even deny it with all their might. But no matter how nasty they’ve become, they still need their dad.

These dads may now have to work extra hard to validate their teen. And after they have broken the ice, they should continue to make sure they are doing a good job by asking, “Am I around you enough?” Or, “Do I support you like you need?” “Who do you know you can always count on…is it me? “Who is the second?” “Third?” Sometimes kids cannot explain their needs, but dad’s desire to talk to them shows that he cares, especially if he listens to them and takes them at their word.

For all the dads out there that have “blown it” or parents that feel they have lost all connection with their kids, showing how you desire time and interaction with them now will still make a difference. Be persistent, and it will pay off.

Steps Toward Validation

Dads should make an effort to get together with their son or daughter once a week, no matter what. For daughters, make it a date. Go to dinner or a coffee shop and just sit and open your ears, look at her, and ask some good questions. Show her that you will go out of your way to talk to her about what matters most to her.

For sons, you’ll do a better job or validating by doing something active together, rather than sitting face to face. Work on a project, golf, hunt, fish, or attend a game together. You may need to go out of your way to find an interest you both have in common.

Positive validation through mutual participation in an activity (especially an activity you may not personally be that fond of) gives your teenager the impression that you care. Strengthen that feeling by endeavoring to find some way to encourage and praise them, even if it is hard to find something praiseworthy.

Every child yearns for attention from the adults in their life. They might be on guard or may not trust you at first because in the past they have not felt so important to you. Make it clear to them that it is your desire now to spend time with them on a regular basis, and then be consistent. Both of you will benefit, but your teen will feel validated because they begin to feel that you really want to be with them and to nourish the relationship.

Kids need their mom’s and dad’s presence and attention to their needs. If not, they will look for value and validation somewhere else – usually from all the wrong places — but they will never truly find it.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Here you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens App, a great way to listen on your schedule.