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Superhero or Not?

None of us can see our own errors; deliver me, LORD, from (my) hidden faults! - Psalms 19:12

Being a superhero works out pretty well in the movies or comic books, but when it comes to parenting, rescuing your teenager every time can lead to problems. It can spoil their ability to see the world as it truly is, and it can cause uncaring, self-centered and entitled thinking in your teenager now and throughout their lifetime.

Parents are wired to protect their children. It’s natural and it is needed in the early childhood years, but some parents continue protecting their offspring far longer than they should. Beginning in the teen years, kids need to begin feeling the impact of their own actions and to be given more responsibility for their own survival.

Counter to what some people might think, I find that the most irresponsible teens come from the most responsible parents. I call them “Super Parents.” They are so fixated on fixing problems that they fix all of their teenager’s mistakes as well. They don their cape and fly off to badger a teacher who has given their teenager a bad grade. They run faster than a steaming locomotive and bend steel bars to get their errant teen out of jail. And in everyday terms; they pick up their teen’s room, manage his money, pay his speeding tickets, wash his clothes and rush him to school when he oversleeps in the morning.

When it comes to parenting in the teen years, another name for a “Super Parent” is an “enabler.” They enable a teen to go right on breaking the rules and stomping all over everyone – and each time the teen is rescued it is from something a little more serious.

If you are an enabler, I’d like you to consider a different approach, for everyone’s sake. Life doesn’t have to revolve around chasing after your teen’s problems – even if you like being the superhero! Believe me; the problems will only get worse, not better, with every rescue. You’re not doing your teenager any favors. In fact, you’ll likely end up with exactly the opposite of what you are hoping for – a childish adult who remains dependent on you and cannot manage his finances, his relationships, nor his life.

The only way out of this spin cycle is to bring it to an end. How? By having a good talk with your teenager to tell them you will no longer be intervening on their behalf. Then hand your teen’s problems right back to them. They won’t believe it at first. They’ll think you’ll still rescue them, but don’t do it! They need to feel the bite of making their own mistakes, and they need to know you won’t come running (or leaping tall buildings) to rescue them. I’m not talking about “not being there” for your teen, or ignoring them and “throwing them to the wolves.” I’m talking about rescuing them from opportunities they encounter in life that will help them develop responsibility, make better choices, and mature.

Until the pain of consequences of behavior is greater than the pleasure a teen gets from that particular behavior, their actions won’t stop.

Why Kids Need Consequences

It’s no mystery. Teenagers behave irresponsibly when they’ve not had to be responsible for their behavior. They do not magically become more responsible, mature, or wiser as they get older. They learn experientially, and they get wiser by living. They learn by being given responsibility and by facing uncomfortable consequences for failing in that responsibility or making bad decisions. If they put their hand in a flame, they need to learn they’ll get burned. Even if you tell them they’ll be burned, at some point they’ll test out your theory. And if they don’t feel the sting of the fire when they do test it, they’ll likely do it again and again, just to show you that you’re wrong!

So, what does Scripture say about consequences? In Proverbs it says, “The Lord disciplines those He loves” (Proverbs 3:12a) and “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace”(Proverbs 29:17). Discipline is a principle found throughout the Old and New Testaments. So, there is nothing more loving, biblical and godly than to give proper discipline to your children.

Consequences can be the natural result of foolish actions, such as breaking a leg from jumping off a roof, or they can be what employers, parents or authorities use to bring about a positive change in behavior. For parents, the goal of consequences is not punishment; it is to help your teenager grow up. In adult life, we deal with consequences every day, and if we’re smart we avoid them, but teenagers still need to learn that wisdom, even though they are capable of being adults intellectually and biologically.

First-Time Consequences

When a teenager first misbehaves, parents can nip it in the bud by applying disproportionate first-time consequences. Unless a child learns a memorable lesson the very first time they are caught, each wrong deed can be a stepping stone to more serious missteps. Disproportionate first-time consequences ensure that the child never thinks about making that same mistake again.

For instance, if you catch your teen driving under the influence, you might consider donating their car to a local charity. Now, that’s a big deal to the teenager, but it could prevent them from dying in future a car wreck, or from having a lifelong problem with alcohol. Or, the first time they miss curfew you might require them to volunteer at the local mission every weekend for a month.

In both cases, the first-time consequences I’ve illustrated are both uncomfortable and memorable for a lifetime. The teen won’t soon forget that they lost their car or had to volunteer every weekend for making a stupid mistake, and they’ll wonder what bigger privilege they’ll lose if they do it again! Compare that to what most parents do today, which is to ground their child. Grounding can be appropriate at times, but grounding is more of a convenience to parents than anything — at least they know where their teenager is! If you resort to grounding, then couple it with something memorable and decidedly boring for your teen, like several hours of physical yard work with no iPod, no cell phone and no friends hanging around to entertain them.

Don’t Waffle on the Consequences

A parent is his own worst enemy when he waffles or makes idle threats in regard to consequences. It takes effort to properly discipline children, and that’s why it is easier for parents to warn, warn again, and then resort to yelling angry warnings instead of simply applying consequences. Warnings serve to tell kids that they have multiple opportunities to avoid consequences, and they quickly learn just how far they can exasperate their parent before the parent takes action. So, the house ends up in a constant state of chaos and everyone feels lousy.

If you waffle or don’t follow through, it’s an empty threat that will teach your teen that you don’t mean what you say, and he is not responsible managing the problems he creates. On the other hand, when your teen realizes that he’ll be held responsible for his actions and every part of his life, then your life will improve, and so will his.

So, what happens if your teenager holds out longer than expected? In other words, he keeps making the same mistakes in spite of the consequences. My advice is to hang in there. Rather than changing the game plan, continue to apply consequences, even if there seems to be no positive effect. Eventually they will take hold, but only if you don’t waver. If you stop or lighten the consequences, you’ll be giving your teenager exactly what he is holding out for. You’ll lose all credibility and it will undermine your ability to correct them at all in the future.

Rules Require Consequences

Some parents cringe at the thought of applying consequences, fearing it may harm the relationship they have with their teenager. Step-parents and adoptive parents can be especially conflicted on this point. But I’ve found that young people want rules from their parents, step-parents and adoptive parents. And what good are rules without consequences for breaking the rules? The world makes more sense to kids when they know what is expected and what is not. They feel safer when they know where the boundaries are. And they find comfort in the consistency of parents who stick to their guns, while loving their children just as much no matter how many mistakes they make.

My advice to you is to build maturity and character in your teenager through sound rules and reasonable consequences. Do this consistently, and with a strong and loving relationship, and I guarantee that someday you’ll hear your child call you their biggest hero — a true Superhero.

Mark

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Parental Consistency Is So Important

When I recently asked 3,000 parents what they would change if they could start over again in their parenting, the number one response was, “I’d be more consistent.”

I suppose these parents now realize that their inconsistency led their teen and their family to a place they really didn’t want to go. Whether rooted in misplaced love, or from being distracted by the hustle and bustle of life, or by not wanting to be the “bad guy” all the time, they made a habit of giving in, and now they are sorry for it.

Based on my work with teenagers, I’d have to say those parents are justified in their remorse because I see a lot of kids today all mixed up by inconsistent parents. Teens left to themselves will naturally get into trouble. That’s the nature of adolescence. The path they’ll go down is the one of least resistance or the greatest pleasure. And that’s why they need structure — but it needs to be consistent to make any sense to them. Most teens thrive when clear and unmovable boundaries are in place, because it’s the one anchor in their otherwise turbulent life.

Without consistency a teen will feel like they are living on a seesaw, where certain behaviors are okay one day and not the next. Not knowing which will happen next can be stressful, and that can lead to anxiety, anger, depression, irritability, frustration, over-reaction to everyday problems, memory loss and a lack of concentration. Does that sound like your teen?

I’ll Never Be Like My Parents!

Many parents don’t discipline their children because they’re afraid they will become like that military father or the domineering mother they swore they would never be like. Others don’t discipline because they’re afraid of losing something with their child that they have worked years to attain… a good relationship. But everybody in the family loses when the parents are inconsistent. It hurts the misbehaving kids, it hurts the marital relationship, and it hurts the kids who are being obedient. Why? Because when one parent is less concerned about upholding the rules, the other parent invariably gets exasperated and feels they need to go overboard with rules.

More often than not, moms tend to want more rules, while dads tend to be too lax in regard to rules. When one parent becomes the “heavy” and the other becomes the “easy,” the relationship between the teen and the parent, and the parents to each other, can suffer. If the mom is the “heavy,” she is constantly battling her kids (without her husband’s help) and that will strain the relationship she has with her children and her husband. If the dad is the “heavy,” his efforts to discipline can be undermined by a wife who tends to let her children off the hook too easily. So the dad is seen as mean and uncaring by the child and even by the wife. It’s only when parents participate equally that relationships throughout the family are balanced and able to flourish.

To be consistent, mom and dad need to come together to agree on the basic household rules, based on their own beliefs. As in everything else in life, there may be a need for some compromise. Mom won’t get every rule she wants, and dad will have to be more concerned about the rules than he has been. Both parents will have to work as a team, and not usurp each other’s authority by adding rules or not enforcing the ones they’ve agreed to.

So Step Up!

I realize that some parents don’t want to discipline. But they need to step up and realize that their child needs rules and boundaries and consequences to correct and strengthen their character. It’s not because the child needs justice for doing something wrong, but because they need patterns molded into their life that will determine how they will engage with people in the future. It can literally determine if they’ll be successful in life or not.

The focus of teen discipline should be aimed at critical character values like honesty, obedience, and respect. Honesty is a character issue that will help them in their relationships in the future. Obedience will help them gain direction and insight into life. Respect is the bedrock of all friendships and interpersonal relationships. You correct their lapses in these areas so that they will have the type of relationships that they really want… and to keep them from destroying or impeding relationships with their foolishness.

Remember this… discipline isn’t about you and it isn’t about getting back at your kid. It’s about helping them. Your child will continue in their selfish, immature behavior patterns until the pain they receive is greater than the pleasure they receive from it. They’ll continue in those negative things until someone holds them accountable. We are the ones, as parents, who must do that. It cannot be left to anyone else. We are the ones who need to say to our children, “You cannot do this.” We need to set the boundaries and establish the consequences. We need to make it clear that we’ll walk along side our teen in life, but we’ll move to stand in front of them when they start down the wrong path. Why? Because we know that if they go that direction, it will lead to their unhappiness.

Here are some things to remember about discipline.

Rules without relationship cause rebellion. If one thinks that discipline is nothing more than a list of rules posted on the refrigerator that line out how everyone is supposed to act, they are greatly mistaken. It is important that time be spent with your child building a relationship, or the discipline will have no effect.

Look to their interest. Don’t hand out a consequence just because your teen made you mad. Hand it out because, if they continue in the inappropriate behavior, the result will be something that is harmful to them, and will take them somewhere they really don’t want to go.

Discipline means confrontation. Confrontation is never easy, and is never really that enjoyable. To avoid confrontation is only postponing the inevitable to a time when things will be worse.

Don’t be afraid of seeing your child go through the pain of consequences. Parents are, at times, too quick to rescue a child from their discomfort, thus keeping them from learning from their mistakes or choices. Your rescuing just might allow them to continue in their plight. There are many words for this: denial, enabling, equipping. Rescuing is usually done with the wrong motive, and invariably the wrong results.

You can’t be consistent with everything, so pick your battles wisely. If I was determined to correct every issue that a child presents, I would spend all my time correcting, and very little time building any relationship at all. Your child is not going to be perfect this side of heaven, and there’s plenty of time to correct things along the way, so focus on ten things versus one hundred, and be consistent with just those ten. Remember, even God had just ten commandments.

Discipline is training. Discipline is helping your child to get where they want to be and to keep them from a place they don’t want to end up. Practice discipline in your own parenting even as you discipline your child, and you’ll get them there.

Teach What You Know to Be True

In your discipline, stick with what you know to be true and you know to be right. Think back to the basic principles your parents or grandparents taught you, and pass those forward. They are tried and true. Focus on rules and boundaries that build character. They’ll create a foundation for your child to base every decision they make in their life.

Periodically review the rules in your family. If you determine that some are simply unnecessary or too confining, don’t just stop enforcing it. Make it clear to your teen that you have both thought it through and the rule no longer applies, or they will think you are being inconsistent. And be sure to accentuate the positive — when your teen gets it right, congratulate and reward them.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The Amazing Power of Grace

There was a young man staying at the Heartlight campus a few years back. He was generally a sweet kid—funny, well spoken and kind. But he didn’t deal with emotions well at all, especially anger. One day after coming back from school, he got so mad that he took a baseball bat and started beating on my truck! Then, when one of my dogs, Copper, came out to see what all the commotion was about, this teenager turned around and kicked my dog. I was furious. But I took some time to calm down before I spoke or dealt with the situation. I realized what this young man needed wasn’t a heavy hand, but a generous dose of grace.

Of course, he had to pay for the repairs to my truck and the vet bills for my dog. Or so I told him at the time… but gave in later. I let him know that I forgave him. I made a conscious effort to move towards this angry, young man, not away from him. It was not easy. Matter of fact, when I think about it I still get a little perturbed. And everything in me, in all honesty wanted to place my boot where he wouldn’t want it, and make him pay for every bit of damage to my truck. But grace made all the difference in his life that day. And it made a difference in mine that day as well. What fueled his outburst was that he had just learned that a sign was put in the front yard at his home stating “A Sexual Perpetrator Lives Here” because of his dad’s stupid and foolish behavior. You know, that would have made me want to beat something and kick something. My truck and dog just happened to be the target of his frustration. I understood.

Grace has the power to change the direction of any teen who is struggling. Grace can bring healing and restoration to a home and redirect your teen’s path. A good definition of grace is undeserved, unmerited and unearned favor. In other words, grace is an act of kindness, love, and forgiveness in the face of bad behavior or poor choices. It’s not, “If you do this or that, then I will love you.” Grace is “I will love you, regardless of whatever you do.”

But showing grace can be one of the toughest assignments for parents as it was for me that day, especially as kids reach the teenager years. How can a mom or dad discipline and enforce the rules of the home, while at the same time doling out hearty portions of grace? Let me give you some helpful tips.

Ditch Legalistic Behaviors

If you have ever said anything like:

“It’s my way or the highway!”
“You’ll do it because I said so!”
“As long as you live in this house, it will be done this way!”
“You will respect me; I’m your father!”

You may be a “rule-enforcer” rather than a “grace-giver.” If these phrases sound familiar, then it’s time to re-evaluate your speech and actions to incorporate more grace into your home. Ditch the legalistic jargon that frustrates rather than trains or guides your children. To give grace means communicating with teens why a rule is in place, what the consequence of breaking that rule is beforehand, and then allowing freedom in the areas that aren’t worth the battle.

Here’s a good example: When your teen received the golden ticket that is a driver’s license, you probably enacted a few rules regarding curfews, who can ride with them, and who is responsible for gas and insurance. But did you take the time to explain why the 11:00 p.m. curfew is in place, or why everyone in the car has to wear seatbelts? Just saying, “Do it, because I said so!” only tells your teenager that it’s the rules you’re concerned with, not their health or well-being. Rigid adherence to authority doesn’t teach or change kids. Grace does. Grace demonstrates you care more about them than you do about the letter of the law. Grace speaks volumes to the heart of a struggling child.

Stick to the Consequences

If there is one guarantee in all of parenting it’s this — teenagers will break the rules during their adolescence. In fact, if your child hasn’t broken a rule yet, check their pulse! When lines have been crossed, teenagers need discipline. Giving grace in parenting doesn’t mean we allow bad behavior to continue unchecked. That’s not grace. That’s enabling or emboldening our children to keep up their bad behavior without fear of consequences. If we look at the example of Jesus, His offer of grace didn’t negate the law or the penalties of sin. Parental grace works the same way. Discipline and rules apply, but we don’t move away from our kids during that time. We must move closer to them.

Let’s say your teen does break one of the car rules you have put into place. They roll into the driveway around midnight and try to sneak in, only to get busted by a creaky door or a barking dog. So you take away the license for a week (or a similar consequence). Now, showing grace towards your child doesn’t mean giving back the car privileges after a couple of days. But it does mean you go to them during their time of restriction and say, “Let’s go grab some coffee. I’ll drive!” or, “Want to go watch a movie, just the two of us?” It’s an intentional and consistent move toward the relationship, while upholding the penalties for breaking the rules. One of my favorite authors, Josh McDowell, once wrote, “Rules without relationships leads to rebellion.” If I was to tweak this, I would say, “Rules without grace leads to frustration!”

Give Grace, Even When It Hurts

I know that for some parents with struggling kids, showing grace is a monumental task. You’ve been hurt and wounded by your child, and though you still love them, you have a difficult time showing them grace. I understand. Grace isn’t easy. It’s extremely tough to give certain people something they don’t deserve. It took a lot of willpower to extend grace about my smashed-in truck. But let’s face it — none of us deserve grace. If kindness was handed out on the basis of merit we’d all be in a heap of trouble! But Colossians 3:13 tells us to “be tolerant with one another and forgive one another whenever any of you has a complaint against someone else. You must forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you.”

I know that grace is tough. But think back on all the grace you have received in your life, and pour that back into your child. In the midst of disappointment or even anger, let them know that your relationship is still important, and there’s nothing they could do that would you push you away from them. We are never more like Christ than when we give our teen grace in the face of a struggle. Yes, grace hurts to give sometimes. Yes, grace is costly. But in the end, it’s always worth it.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR