parenting Archives | Page 3 of 116 | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

Part-Time Parenting

Student Story: Carson

In a perfect world, every child would grow up in a home with both their mother and father. But in reality, things don’t always go according to plan. This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston offers wisdom and encouragement to parents who only get to be with their children part-time.

If you listen on a mobile phone or tablet, please download our Parenting Today’s Teens app available for Apple or Android. If you listen on a desktop or laptop computer, press the “play” button above to enjoy daily parenting advice.

Possibly the Greatest Teen Parenting Mistake

Well-intentioned parents, doing as they have always done to protect their children when they were young, often circle the wagons and marshal control when their teenager makes a mistake in judgment. Others keep their wagons circled all the time, never giving up any control to the teenager in the first place. Such parents then wonder why their teenager rebels against them or lacks maturity.

It’s natural for parents to believe that trouble can be avoided by keeping their teenager always in sight, by fixing their every problem, and by generally keeping them under their control. But I’ve learned that teens mature quicker when parents take steps in the early teen years to give up some of the control they have over their teen’s life.

Learn to Let Go!

Do you have the habit of picking up the slack, covering all the bases, answering all the questions, solving all the problems, and making everything easy for your teen? If so, you might not be doing your teenager any favors. Instead, you may just be keeping your teenager immature, dependent and powerless.

If you want your child to grow up, and he’s reached the teen years, you may have to learn to let go. You may have to get out of the way. It boils down to one very simple concept — the best way to empower your teenager is to share the power you’ve always had over him, allowing him more and more power and responsibility for making his own decisions.

Hold Them Accountable

Responsibility becomes an internal life force when parents empower a child to make decisions, line out their options, define the consequences, and then let them choose.

If your teenager is fully capable of doing well, communicate that belief to him by giving him more freedoms. Fortunately, most teens want to take control of things in their life — so let them. As you back off, let your teenager know they will be given even more freedoms if they handle the first steps well. And make it clear that you will remain in the role of the enforcer of consequences, should they break the rules. Such consequences could include losing some of their newfound freedoms and losing some of your trust.

Then, let them make their own choices, and also let them bear the full responsibility for those choices. Line out their options, define the consequences for bad decisions, and then let them choose. Don’t rescue them by not enforcing consequences for their poor choices. And equally as important, don’t forget to congratulate and reward them for making good choices!

The Power of Empowerment

As you learn to let go, your teen’s expectations will shift away from leaning on you to run their life and fix everything for them (including their mistakes), to the understanding that they are the ones responsible for how things turn out. They’ll surely make many mistakes before they begin to understand what good decision-making looks like. And they may even try every trick in the book to get you to rescue them out of their poor choices. But don’t do it! Hold them responsible, just as they will some day be held accountable as an adult.

Give Them Something to Be Responsible For

Teenagers don’t become responsible or learn to think more maturely by accident. They learn from being in situations where responsibility and maturity is expected and modeled. That’s why I highly recommend to parents that they get their child into a part-time job throughout the teen years, and particularly one that is service-oriented. Probably the biggest mistake of schools today is when they keep kids so busy with after school activities, that there is no time for a job in which teens can learn responsibility. Outside of what Mom and Dad are expecting of them, nothing can teach a teenager about life and making a livelihood than a job can, whether they need the money or not. Kids who get their first job after they graduate from high school are at a disadvantage and have a lot of catch-up to do in the area of maturity.

The right job for just a few hours each week can be a perfect training ground for a teenager, teaching people-skills, money-management, time-management, and even helping the teenager determine what she does or doesn’t want to do after high school. Skills learned on a part-time job can also help the teen appreciate their education and encourage them to seek more education after high school so they won’t have to continue serving hamburgers, washing cars, or being a lifeguard their entire life.

When to Take Back Full Parental Power

Now, let me address the family dealing with a teen who is already spinning out of control or is addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, or other harmful substances or behaviors. This situation is entirely different. In this day and age, a child choosing to self-destruct or to live a dangerous lifestyle could end up in serious trouble, or could even die. In this case, empowerment shifts back to the parent, who must intervene and retake decisive control, since the teen’s lifestyle is actually controlling the teenager at this point.

An old Jewish proverb says, “Don’t meet troubles half-way.” Give it all your attention now, or it could take more than you can give later. And you’ll be powerless when they become an adult. Take whatever measures are necessary to ensure his safety and do it now. It is up to you to create a solution, such as counseling or substance abuse treatment. And you, too, will need to surround yourself with good counsel and a group of godly friends who are willing to pray with you and encourage you.

Then, with a plan in hand and with all the power you can muster, communicate this message: “Honey – we love you. Nothing you do or say will make us love you any less, and nothing you do or say will make us love you any more. But we are not going to live like this anymore. Since you are not making the right choices on your own, here is what will change in your life, as of today…” And then stick to your plan. There’s nothing that will ruin your future ability to get such a teen back on track than to not follow through the first time.

Small Bumps Are Temporary

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things — I Corinthians 13:11 (KJV).

Maybe you are just having some small bumps in the road with your teenager. Let me assure you, most immature behavior is just that — immaturity. They will grow out of it as they mature and as they come up against the consequences for wrong decisions. And they’ll mature more quickly if you empower them to take on more responsibility for their own life. Give them ample opportunity to make errors in judgment early on, when you still have some control over them in your home.

Letting go doesn’t mean backing off completely. It simply means allowing the teenager to make more and more decisions on their own, and to have more and more freedoms. When they make mistakes, or overstep your household boundaries, it is still a parent’s responsibility to dole out the consequences as a means of discipline, which will prevent them from making the same mistake again and again. For that is how teenagers learn.

So, what have you done today to encourage and empower your teenager to put away their childish immaturity?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Getting the School Year Started Right

Like New Year’s resolutions, the start of the school year is a perfect time for parents and teenagers to make resolutions in regard to goals, responsibilities, and expectations. It is an opportunity to think about what you and your teen hope to accomplish this year, but it is also a time to think about your household rules, making sure they are still age-appropriate (or appropriate according to the maturity of your teen).

Consider the environment your teen is about to enter. What precautions and advice can you give them? What should they avoid, and what should they strive for this year? How will this year affect their future, their college choices or their future career? Will this be an especially difficult transition year, such as moving to a new school or from junior high to high school? At such times, it is especially important to help make the transition as smooth as possible. I recommend visiting the school with an older student who is already familiar with the school as your tour guide, so your child can learn the ropes and understand what to expect, including the good, the bad and the ugly.

Get the Relationship Right

It is also a time to shore up your relationship with your teen. Be diligent in making one of your goals this school year to meet with them regularly, at least once a week. It can become more difficult as their schedule gets busier, but don’t allow their activities or friends to come between you. Make it a requirement to get together weekly at a restaurant or coffee shop; or better yet, go have some mutual fun together.

You’ll find that every time you meet with your teen you’ll learn something new about them, and your relationship will blossom. If your teen is a boy, keep in mind that boys will clam up if a parent expects them to look them in the eye when they talk. My friend Bill Ziegler, a middle school principal and frequent guest on our weekly radio program, says, “Boys communicate better when we’re side by side, versus face to face.” I find that boys also seem to process life while they are involved in an activity of some sort. So you’ll be most successful if you can find something fun to do together, all the while interjecting thought-provoking questions to keep the conversation going.

For girls, too, conversation naturally comes out of having fun together. Talking less during these activity times may be difficult for a parent, but when it comes to getting teenagers to open up to you, you can’t shut up too much. And be sure to prevent distractions during your time together. Don’t bring along friends or siblings. Don’t go to their regular hangout, where they’ll likely run into their friends. Don’t allow iPods or cell phones. And by all means, don’t announce the activity is for the purpose of having a talk. Just leave the space open and available while you are with them, to see what happens next. Then zip your lip, be quiet, and practice listening.

Your teen may never have a long discussion with you; it may just be the “instant message” version. But listen carefully, because what is said will probably be short and you’ll have to do some reading between the lines. Repeat back what you think they said, or ask a few quick questions to clarify what they meant. This will signify that you are really listening and wanting to understand them.

A number of things happen in the first few weeks of school. So it is no time for parents to back off after a long hot summer with their teen. In fact, I recommend that you double up your one on one meetings during the first month. Listen to what your teen has to say about their new teachers, their schedule and their peers. Perhaps they are already being bullied by someone, so it could be that they need to be quickly moved or the school officials told about the bullying. Getting it right in the first few weeks is critical, since you can still make changes in their schedule or classes before they get too far into the semester, and before they become discouraged.

School Is More Stressful Today

School has become a much more demanding environment for our kids these days. The pressures are significant to perform for others; socially, academically or athletically. So, take care in reviewing your teenager’s schedule. Don’t allow them to over-commit their time to school or other extra-curricular activities, including those at church. Adults will recruit them to commit to every spare second in their day to sports, clubs, music, or youth group, if you allow them. It’s up to you to help your teen prioritize their schedule, while giving them permission to cut out some things if it appears they are taking on too much. If they are unwilling to confront the people who are pushing them into a state of being over-committed, ask your teen’s permission to speak to them yourself.

Other kids will under-commit and avoid involvement in anything but what’s required. So you may need to help them by asking them to at least try out for a sport or a club or other activity that will broaden their horizons, give them a new skill, or put them in the company of a positive peer group. Remember, in the teen years one of the most important things you can do for your child is to help them find a positive peer group – so do whatever it takes.

Is Your Home a Place of Rest?

Finally, but no less important, be sure to take a close look at the environment in your home. Is it a place of rest for your teen, or does it just add to their stress? Having reasonable rules and chores won’t cause stress; it is when there is poor communication, excessive lecturing, bickering, and fighting. So, pick your battles wisely and major on the majors. Set aside the minor issues, especially during the first few weeks of school. When your teen gets home after school, allow them some time to kick back and find some rest, even if it is just playing a video game or going for a walk. They need to unwind, just like you do when you’ve had a stressful day.

I hope you use this time at the beginning of a new school year to recharge and regroup. Watch for signs of problems with your teen, especially during these first few weeks. If they get off course, it will likely be now as they are dealing with new teachers, new or suddenly “grown-up” peers, new pressures, and possibly a transition to a new school.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR