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Has Your Child “Boomeranged”?

Most of us think adolescence ends at the age 18, but the American Medical Association has defined adolescence as going all the way to age 23. What used to be a period of seven years is now fourteen years! And for many parents reading this article, this means that your kids may come back home to live with you after college.

We set our kids in motion to live as independent adults, and like a boomerang they just come right back to where they started. Sometimes it happens for good reasons because of issues outside their control. But when a child wants to disengage from a normal growth opportunity and fails to establish their own independence, it’s a sign that emotional problems are in play.

It’s been great for Jan and me to be empty nesters. We love it. Oh, sure, I like it when the grandkids pop in with their parents, but it’s good when they leave, too. Gratefully both our son and daughter have established independent lives of their own.

But maybe you’re in a different place. Maybe you’re dealing with the boomerang effect. So let me offer some helpful perspective and a couple suggestions.

Welcome Home?

Some kids come home after college until they get a job. That’s one thing. And in this economy, finding a job takes much longer than ever before. So it’s understandable when they need a place to stay while aggressively pursue the next phase in their life. But when kids get too comfortable in your home and can’t launch from that spot, they’re in trouble. They can’t get to the next place, and they show their inability to function at a higher level.

Mom and dad, when you take these kids back in, you aren’t doing them a favor. Parents want to be helpful, but they’re just postponing the inevitable. I’m talking about when a child wants to avoid growth. Moving back home becomes a way to avoid the challenge of becoming independent. A child can try to live like they’re in high school, or have everything provided, or take an “extended vacation.” We all have a plan for our lives. When your child comes back home, it’s kind of outside of the plan.

When Coming Home is Healthy

Sometimes, it is healthy for kids to come home. But just because the reason they come is appropriate doesn’t mean that your transition will be easy. To help, you need to line out your expectations for your son or daughter and set up some new rules.

To help you get along with your adult children, spend necessary time with them. But not out of obligation. Your child doesn’t want to spend time with you if they think it’s a burden. Love your child in a way they can receive it. Sit down and talk. Be a servant to them. I want to be a servant to anyone who walks in my door. But being a servant doesn’t mean being a doormat.

You need to build an understanding of how you’re going to live together. Your child is the new person to the house, even if they’ve lived there before. So he should fit into your household’s current agenda. Parents, you need to openly say to your children, “You’re welcome here, but you’ve gotta follow the current game plan.” Talk to your child before he comes home. Determine whether they will pay rent or not, whether or not they will be required to work. There are a lot of times in my life that I haven’t liked what I was doing for work, but I did it because I knew it would strengthen my work habits and would help me financially.

If your child is not following the plan you talked about, and it’s becoming disruptive to the house, you may need to kick your child out. Sounds harsh, but if you don’t take action, if you allow your child to keep the same attitude, they will find it easy to stay like a child longer. Not to mention that they may influence the habits and attitudes of your other children.

Adults are adults. You need to treat them that way. And if your child isn’t acting like an adult, you may need to push them out. Every adult’s goal is to live an independent life. This means moving on to another place. You need to respect this goal in your child’s life. If your child doesn’t see the need for this movement, and you don’t act, you are enabling your child’s foolishness.

Parents: Plan, Act, and Let Go!

If the presence of your boomerang child has become a negative situation, and they’re still enjoying the benefits of living under your roof, then you are probably kidding yourself about their maturity. You could be justifying their childish behavior. You’re allowing it to happen. Kids are hampered by their parents’ inability to act. I have seen some of these kids at Heartlight, and I think, “You can’t be serious!” By letting your kids stay at home, you are allowing them to rely on you when the Scripture says we are to train up a child in the way he should go. Hear that? Go. If they stay because of excuses, these kids won’t grow up to be good husbands, good wives, good fathers, or good mothers. They’ll repeat the cycle with their own kids.

If you are the problem, you need to let go! Parents, remember that your child is more important than you. If you aren’t releasing your child to move onto the next step, it’s your issue not theirs. When you finally let go, let me tell you this; you’re going to love it! Where they are going is more exciting than where they have been. You need to trust God to take care of your kids.

The moment when the prodigal son came back to his senses was right after everybody quit giving him everything. You need to consider what this means for your family. Come up with a plan of transitioning your child into the real world. Move them to a point where they are either in school, working, or waiting for a move to the next step in life.

You can hear us talk on this subject by listening to our radio program. It’s called, Parenting Today’s Teens. Next time, we talk with Family Coach Tim Smith. Tim, whose philosophy of parenting is “don’t do anything for your children that they can do for themselves,” will share his personal experience and perspective on having children return home.

You can hear Parenting Today’s Teens online, as a podcast, or find a radio station near you. All the information is found at www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.

When Christmas Joy is Overshadowed by Struggle and Pain

prodigal With Christmas just around the corner, you’re probably thinking about last-minute shopping or getting your final preparations done.

And then, maybe once those pressing to-do’s are complete, and Christmas is in the rear view mirror, you’ll have a few quiet moments to yourself when you can reflect. How was the year? What went well at home? What didn’t? What conversations, or conflicts, do I wish I could erase from the year? And what’s ahead in the new year?

There’s something about the Christmas season that puts us in a nostalgic reflective mood. It reminds us that God is with us. It gives us a sense of hope. But for many people, the holidays stir up all kinds of raw emotions that remind them of their weakness and loneliness.

Reflection Can Bring Pain

At Heartlight, Christmas is a time when we often see a new batch of kids arrive at our residential program. These kids are in pain. They have been dropped off by their parents and we often find these kids feeling a mix of anger and failure. Every family that we see at Heartlight is going through some kind of difficulty. Christmas is anything but merry to these people. They are in pain and don’t know where to turn. And so they have come to Heartlight for help.

When teens begin to act out and express their issues in rebellion and destructive behavior, it places incredible pressure on mom and dad. It’s a confusing and painful time for the entire family. Especially when we feel like we’ve done everything right. We’ve read all the books, followed all the guidelines for happy homes, and yet our kids are struggling and we can’t figure out why. And we say, Wait a minute! I’ve checked every box and done what I’m supposed to do. Why am I not happy? Why are my kids messed up?

Owning the Struggle

Allow yourself to struggle with these issues. Struggle isn’t a bad thing! It’s important for your kids (and for you) to live with the struggle for a while. Just because you’ve checked the boxes doesn’t make you a perfect parent. And you’re not going to be one despite your good intentions. All of us have fallen short in our parenting skills in some way. But you can learn to struggle well.

The struggle gives us the answers we need. Answers will eventually emerge from our confusion if we allow ourselves time to wrestle through the difficult issues. Instead of filling the holes in our lives with the latest fad on parenting, an oversimplified four-point outline, or shallow advice from well-meaning friends, we need to be okay with the void in our life until we realize that it can only be filled by a relationship with God.

Life is hard. It is a struggle. That’s the point. If we think that we filled the hole with something we did, like a clever parenting strategy or a one-size-fits-all program, then when it fails, we’ll think that we have failed.

The jigsaw pieces of your life will not always fit together like a scenic puzzle picture. If it does, and we think it does, then we’re on the wrong track. If there is something in your life that feels okay and perfect, then chances are you are filling the void with something that only God is supposed to fill.

Being With Our Teens in Their Struggle

Depression runs rampant this time of year. It’s odd that it’s the most joyful time of the year for us as Christians, but for many teens, it’s among the most painful. When the culture tells us it’s time to be joyful, we can disengage from sons and daughters who are in pain. When we disengage from our kids, we tell them that they aren’t worthy. They aren’t worthy of entering into the pain they’re feeling. They aren’t worthy of working through the problem with them. They aren’t worthy of the time it will take to engage with them. If we walk away from their struggle, we tell our teens that they are only good if they are being and feeling good. There’s something desperately wrong with that notion.

When we telegraph to our kids that they aren’t worthy of our attention, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Parents feels like they’re doing something wrong because their kids aren’t okay; the kids feel like they’re alone in the time when they need you the most. It’s not okay to tell people that everything is okay. Somewhere we’ve lost the perspective that it’s okay to not be okay.

Christmas: God’s Response to Our Struggle

When things aren’t okay, we are forced to look to God. That’s what Christmas is about. Parents, God sent His Son to fill that empty place inside of us. In the middle of the struggle, there are a lot of families who are having a wonderful time because of the hope of Christ. They know that God has given us something to bring these broken pieces together. Things aren’t always fixed this side of heaven, but we can have hope that the pieces will eventually come together.

Don’t let the sadness and frustrations of the year rob you of the celebration of what God is doing. Through the first Christmas, God offered His Son to be involved in our life. When the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, God told us that He is with us, and He will always be with us. God is calling us to do the same with our kids.

The Bible helps us enter into the suffering of our family. There is a path, a way to find joy in the midst of our pain. That path is not what you might expect. That path is lament. Popular recording artist and Bible teacher Michael Card has done a lot of deep thinking about lament and what it’s like to sense this feeling of isolation and loneliness. You can hear my conversation with Michael on our radio program. Listen to Parenting Today’s Teens online, as a podcast, or find a radio station near you. All the information is found at www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org.

In the meantime, Merry Christmas, my friend. In the midst of our struggles this season, let’s keep our eyes on the One who was willing to walk among us. Through Christ, we can have hope because He controls our future!

When It’s Time to Act

prodigal For parents, there is no worse feeling than watching your child spin out of control while nothing you do seems to make any difference. If your teenager’s behavior is giving you feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and fear, I would like to offer you some suggestions.

First, stop what you are doing and start a new way of thinking in regard to how you are handling the situation. Albert Einstein defined insanity as “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If your home is feeling a little insane these days, perhaps you need to change how it operates.

Start in a new direction by first talking to others, like your friends, pastor, youth minister, your parents, your child’s teachers, and the rest of the family. You need to gain wisdom and a sense of reality regarding the situation. Are you blowing it out of proportion, or perhaps not even noticing how bad it has become? Is your teenager just acting out at home, or are they behaving even worse when away from home? People around you will know, and they can help you gain perspective.

Accepting the reality of the problem is difficult for some parents. They won’t acknowledge it because to them it would be accepting responsibility for failure. Others tend to see just the good and believe no wrong in their children. They are blinded to what everyone around them can already see; that is, until it becomes a full blown crisis or tragedy. So when you come to a right “realization,” don’t hesitate to begin your search for a resolution by validating your suspicions with those around you. They know what’s going on and will be glad that you finally see the light.

WHAT IS AN “OUT OF CONTROL TEEN”? An out of control teenager is one who doesn’t appear to have the internal ability to function within established boundaries and rules of the home or society. Their behaviors, if allowed to continue, could have dangerous or grave consequences for them physically, for their future, or for your family.

When Is It Time to Act?

I’m sure you wish this situation wasn’t at your doorstep. But it is, so you have to act on your child’s behalf. And no matter how lonely it might be, or how difficult it might appear; no matter what your child’s response, you must act quickly.

STEP ONE: INVESTIGATE

It is critical to ask questions to get to the root of what is causing your child’s change in behavior. Is he depressed? Is he being bullied, abused, or using drugs or alcohol? Has a major loss happened in your family recently? Most of the time, parents find out way too late about underlying causes of a child’s behavior. Communication is key at this time. If the lines of communication are down, then re-establish them—forcing communication if need be. Require time from your child to discuss how they’re doing before you pay their next car insurance bill, give them gas money, or hand over the keys to the car. Determine to establish the lines of communication and make sure you ask lots of questions.

Find out how your child is acting outside of the home. Talk to your child’s teachers and coaches, kids at church, your own parents, your siblings, their siblings, your friends, their friends, their youth minister and just about anyone who has had contact with your child. See if they have any insights into why your child’s behavior has changed. In fact, if your teen’s friends show up at your home, don’t be afraid to ask them what’s going on. Some will be honest, as they might be just as concerned as well. Just make sure you ask questions, and ask everyone to be honest with you.

STEP TWO: SET BOUNDARIES

Establish and communicate clear boundaries for behavior by all members of your family (not just your wayward teen). Determine what you hold to be true and the principles upon which you will base your rules for living. Communicate and live by these boundaries, rather than “shooting from the hip” every time something comes up. Make a policy and procedure manual for your home, so everyone knows what to expect. Spend some time determining how you want to live and put some feet to it to ensure that all understand those boundaries.

STEP THREE: ESTABLISH AND ENFORCE CONSEQUENCES

Once boundaries are in place, there must be reasonable consequences for inappropriate behavior, and they must be enforced, or your credibility goes right out the window. And keep in mind that they must be enforced for all members of the family, not just your teen, so they don’t feel singled out.

Parents today tend to be so relational that they find it hard to send a strong message to “not go this way” for fear of losing their relationship. But what most parents don’t understand is that kids do want direction, correction and help in moving through the transition to adulthood. Tom Landry once said, “A coach makes people do things they don’t want to do so they can get to a place where they do want to be.” Parents must do the same for their children.

STEP FOUR: GET OUTSIDE HELP

“He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.” — Chinese Proverb

Perhaps your child’s issues are deeper and they’ll need professional counseling or medication to get through it. And maybe you’ll need counseling to get through it as well. Find a good Christian counselor that specializes in teen behavior, and trust what they recommend. If you’re going to pick and choose the counsel you receive, then you’ll more than likely just continue to do what you want, and your child will continue to spin out of control. Don’t let old beliefs about medicine control your new decisions that have to be made for your child. If your child is depressed or anxious, has ADD, or OCD, can’t sleep at night, is bi-polar, or has a true mental condition that demands medication, don’t let your outdated boundaries prevent your child from getting help from something that is essential to their well being.

Hospitalization may even be needed if you feel that your child is a danger to himself or herself. Extreme cutting, eating disorders, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol abuse are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization. Don’t hesitate to hospitalize your child just because you don’t know what it is. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

When Nothing is Working

In the event that your teen is running away or otherwise hitting bottom, and counseling is going nowhere, you may need to place your teen in a therapeutic program outside of your home for a time. This is not the time to spend mulling over where your parenting has gone wrong. It’s time for action, when your child could damage his life and possibly make choices with grave consequences. After you’ve had time to get good counsel (hopefully from quite a few people) and you’ve had some time to think it through, start to put an intervention plan into action.

A therapeutic program or facility away from home will get them away from their peers, drugs and other influences. It will give the whole family a time of rest and regrouping. It will offer the teen a fresh perspective and a concentrated, focused way of dealing with their issues. Yes, it’s a “last ditch” effort, to be initiated when all other options and attempts to help your child have been exhausted, but for some kids, it can be a lifesaver. Over the past 20 years, some 3,000 kids have come to live with us a Heartlight (http://www.heartlightministries.org) for 9 to 12 months at a time. We daily work with them in a relational way to change their thinking and ambitions to more positive pursuits.

All therapeutic programs are not the same, and there is very little regulation or standards in therapeutic care for youth. So do your homework. Check out each program’s professional references. Call the local Better Business Bureau to see if there have been any complaints. Get a list and call the parents who have had their child in the program recently. If the program won’t allow you to call parents, then that may be a sign to look elsewhere. And make sure the list they supply is made up of real parents, not just people trained to convince you to enroll in that program.

A therapeutic program isn’t an easy or inexpensive option for parents. It can cost tens of thousands of dollars. No doubt, it will be one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make. But one statement I hear from kids and from their parents over and over is this: “If I (they) didn’t come to Heartlight, I think I (they) would have been dead or in prison by now.”

It’s a harsh reality to send a child off to be cared for elsewhere. But that reality pales when you consider the possibilities or outcomes of your child’s current behavior and how such behavior could ruin his or her life. What you are giving him or her is something that can’t be found in the current home setting. You are loving them in a way that perhaps you haven’t loved them before. It’s tough to think that they’ll have to miss some of their time in the local high school, and may never graduate there. But it’s a good decision if it will save your child.

Don’t ignore what is happening in your family. Though you undoubtedly hope it will just go away, it won’t likely do so without a major change in the way your home operates, or placement of the teen in a therapeutic program away from home, especially if the behavior has already been going on for many months. And if you think the problem will disappear when your child turns 18, think again. It won’t disappear; it will likely get worse and linger well into adulthood if it is not dealt with earlier. Just envision the chaos in your home from having your teenager still living with you at age 35, either because they continue to be addicted to drugs or they can’t find a job because they were arrested and have a record. That’s a reality in more homes today than you might imagine.

Consider this … if God’s timing is perfect, and I believe it is, these issues are happening at this time in your life for a reason. So take advantage of it, and do what you need to do. And know that this time of trouble will one day be over. II Corinthian 4:17 states, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” I would put an emphasis on “momentary.”

This struggle may last awhile, but it won’t last long – not if you take the necessary steps to correct it now.