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Connecting with Your Teen

Connecting with Your Teen Every parent of a teenager wants to build a strong line of communication with his or her teen. But sadly, the opposite is most often true. I’d like to share with you some simple tips to improve your communications with your teen.

You may wonder what the best timing is for building good lines of communication with your teen or pre-teen. That’s simple. Do it NOW, before problems, struggles and difficulties begin. And never stop working at it, even when there is conflict.

As your children move from the elementary years into early adolescence, it’s essential that you adapt your style of communication to the changes taking place with your child. What was non-hormonal now becomes laced with hormones. Total dependence moves closer to independence, and that affects how your teen interacts with you. Unless you change with them, there will be conflict and broken communications.

There is a scripture that I believe accurately reflects the condition of most teens, and the “should-be” role of most parents. It’s when Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden (the condition of the teens part), and I will give you rest for your soul” (the parent’s part).

The hope is that we, as parents, become that place of rest for our kids a place where they might be restored.

Too many times parents become a place of added burden or hardship, or an extra “measure” of correction, when correcting, and a life of training, has already been done. Moms have the tendency to do the “Energizer bunny” communication that just keeps on going. And dads have that tendency to tune out when communication is most needed.

Moms, your over-correcting does not provide the rest your child needs. And dad, your refusal to speak up does not restore. What is crucial for your child is the balance of the mom and dad mix, which will result in that place of rest.

But to achieve this balance, it is important for us as parents to transition with our children, to change our style of communication. If we can successfully make this transition, then the day when our children begin to struggle or have difficulties and desperately need someone to talk to we are the ones they will turn to.

Now, let me give you some advice on how to build that bridge–how to make that transition…

1. Start by laying down some new rules, not ones that dictate, but those that invite. In fact, these are rules for yourself, not as much for your child, including making it a priority to have one-on-one time with your child. For example, you might state that a new rule for your house is to go on a mother-daughter, or father-son special vacation each year. Another might be a Joke Night that gets everyone laughing, just laughing, no spiritual lesson attached, just pure fun time together.

2. Ask Thoughtful Questions…create a sense of wonder. Instead of always telling your child the answers, offer them thoughtful questions. And remember, not every question has to be answered immediately, or at all. They will learn to think on their own, and begin to ask you questions as you model one who asks questions. The questions themselves can lead to the right answers, without preaching.

3. PAUSE…and wait to be invited. Hold off on the tendency to always drive the conversation and share your own opinions (Scripture says that “a fool delights in airing his own opinion”). Don’t break genuine interest, but poignant moments of silence (especially when they are not accustomed to silence from you) will move a child to ask, “What do you think?” Try not to force your opinion unless it is invited.

4. The statement “I Was Wrong” (when said by the parent) diffuses difficult discussions and might just bring you amazing results in your communication with your teen. If you handled a situation poorly, admit where you are wrong. You will take the fuse out of the firecracker when you do that. Once you admit you blew it, the issue can no longer be held against you. Anger puts up barriers and must always be diffused before communications will open up.

5. Give Them Respect…consider others to be more important. Easy to say, and sometimes tough to do. It’s basically putting your child first and showing them respect, even as you demand that of them. This should affect the way you speak to them (you wouldn’t yell at, belittle, or talk down to someone you respect), the way you discipline, the way you show grace and the way you respond when you are disappointed and upset.

I want to challenge you today to commit to building a relationship with your child, and that starts with good communications. Make time to communicate and really get to know your teen. And no matter how strained or difficult your relationship might be, there is always HOPE. It may take time and persistence, but keep at it in a loving and natural way and they will eventually open up.

Remember, don’t give up — for God promises to turn your ashes to beauty, your sorrow into joy, and your mourning into dancing. The God that has put His thumbprint on the life of your child still holds him (and you) in His palm.

Recently, someone sent me this e-mail that captures precisely what I’m talking about in this article.

Dear Mark…Our son is on a terrible life path, he is extremely difficult to talk with because he simply will not say more than a few words about anything. We can’t get him to explain what’s going on at school, what he’s thinking, why he does things. His mother and I have tried everything from screaming (I know this was not the right thing and it’s only happened once) to being loving, gentle. Our son is the quiet one in the middle of a family of very verbal people. Even in counseling our son refuses to speak with us much at all. He is secretive and hangs out with the wrong crowd. He has been caught with pot. He spends most of his time holed up in his room like a hermit either sleeping or watching TV, or out with his crowd. Can you give us some advice?

My Answer: The clue to your question is that your child is the quiet one “of a family of verbal people.” Everyone else’s verbal power might be causing your son to shut down. If he can’t get a word in edgewise, then he just quits talking. I think he probably talks quite a bit when he is out with his crowd.

There are some important checks you should make when trying to figure this out. It’s always a good response to first look at where you might be wrong before jumping to the conclusion that your child is in the wrong. So start by asking yourself some difficult questions:

Do I allow my child to express himself, or do I constantly lecture, criticize, warn, and instruct him?

Does everyone in the family react negatively to him when he speaks?

Is he always challenged, argued with, told he’s “stupid” in so many words, or ignored?

Sometimes teens don’t talk because everyone else is talking for them. Maybe no one really listens or he is shamed by what he is feeling and shamed by what he is saying about it.

Your son is not talking for a reason. Questions we need to ask include: Has he been abused? Has he been ridiculed? Has he been emotionally hampered by some event in his life? Has he experienced something that you don’t know about? And before you answer that question ask yourself, “Do my parents know everything that happened to me?” So, what makes you think you know everything about your son?

Behavior is always there for a reason. If you can’t get to that reason, it would be good to have him spend some one-on-one time with someone who can “connect” with him….a counselor, youth minister, teacher, coach, or a close relative. Chances are he has a lot to say, and either doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you or feels shamed by something and chooses to keep quiet. It’s only after searching all areas of his life that you may determine the next steps.

My impression is that your son is involved in more than you think (It’s never what you could imagine, but always more than what you think). Smoking dope, not talking, sleeping all the time, secretive, not so good friends…..sounds like the makings of a disaster. And if your attempts to “reach” him haven’t worked, you speak the truth when you say that it might be time for him to be away from you and from his friends.

Right now, you are dealing with the unknown. As you begin to understand exactly what you’re dealing with, then you can more readily determine what to do. BUT whatever you do, I would encourage you to act quickly. When teens spin out of control, they spiral at an increasing rate. Things may get worse before they get better. But knowing what he’s into and dealing with it is better than not knowing and letting the situation get totally out of hand.

It’s a long answer to a rather short question, but filled with many important lessons for all parents to acknowledge.

So, Moms, Dads…do this for me today. Be diligent in asking your teen these questions today. First, “Do you think we have good communication within our family?” And second, “How could I be a better communicator?”

Ask them to be honest and don’t discount their answers or tell them how they have it all wrong (a first step in changing the way you engage with your teen). Just listen, acknowledge your appreciation for their honesty, and spend some time thinking how to engage differently. And if they tell you that the communication is fine, and that you’re a great communicator, ask them to sleep on it and answer tomorrow after they’ve had some time to think about it. We can all improve on the way we engage with all our kids. Hopefully they’ll come back to you with some great feedback.

“Monkey see, monkey do,” Moms and Dads. The way you communicate with them will be the way that they learn to communicate with you.

About the Author

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 39 years, has two kids, and 4 grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, 2 llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy. His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with over 2,500 teens, has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents.

Visit www.HeartlightMinistries.org to find out more about the residential counseling center for teens, or call Heartlight directly at 903. 668.2173. For more information and helpful other resources for moms and dads, visit www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org, It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Here you will also find a station near you where you can listen to the Parenting Today’s Teens radio broadcast, or download the podcast of the most recent programs.

Modesty in a Seductive Teen Culture

Modesty in a Seductive Teen Culture I live with 35 high school girls who fully understand the need for modesty, but are challenged to “fit in” to a culture that doesn’t exactly affirm the values they know to be true. I, as all our staff at Heartlight, face this issue on a daily basis.

Remember the crazy fads in the late 60′s and 70′s? The tie-dyed shirts, the beads, headbands, and the peace symbols? When I was in high school my dad hated my bushy sideburns and long hair, my purple bell bottoms and boots that came up over my knees. It was a fad to look like the rock idols of the day and that look was in. My appearance made no sense to my parents, but it made a lot of sense to me at the time.

I bet there are things your parents didn’t like about the way you dressed as a teenager. Chances are, you don’t still dress that way, and when you look at those old pictures you may giggle, as I do, about how foolish you looked back then.

Today, I mostly hear from concerned parents of teenage girls who want to dress too seductively. They wonder how to deal with the issue of seduction when it has become so pervasive in our culture.

Teens today live in a world of sexual innuendo, where outward packaging and presentation is all important. The definition of modesty has changed for them, not so much because of the lack of values taught by parents, but because of the overwhelming exposure given to seductive lifestyles.

For the most part, dressing seductively is just a fad, and all fads pass soon enough. If your teen wants to be in on the fad of the moment, it doesn’t mean much of anything about her character, other than that she is playing out a role on the stage of adolescence. Generally speaking, she hasn’t gone off the deep end just because she wants to wear current fashions.

This fad can be a challenge for parents to manage, since the Internet, coupled with books, television, music videos and movies, have all inundated our kids with seductive images and inappropriate suggestions. Highly sexualized lifestyles are touted as normal, so girls face extreme social pressure to look and act seductively as well.

Girls from good Christian homes often tell me they are torn between doing what is acceptable by their peer group to “fit in,” and doing what is taught them by their families and church. More times than not, the social pressures for the teen to look and act like their peers will win out when they are in school or out with their friends. But they will soon realize that the end result of their seductive presentation — when guys do pay attention — is not always what they expected, or what they really wanted in the first place.

My advice for parents is to not flip out when your daughter is just trying to fit in. Using harsh words that defame her character such as, “you look like a …” will only push her deeper into the negative behavior. Rather, calmly and regularly address the more important issue of modesty. Focusing on modesty, versus putting down the current fashion as our own parents did with us, will eliminate the perceived generation gap. And that way, when the next fad comes along she’ll understand her boundaries within that fad as well.

KEY POINT: Make sure she understands that modesty is an important part of your family’s values and that’s not an area you’ll allow to be compromised, no matter what the current culture or fad says.

Is maintaining modesty going to be easy? No. But by being diligent and also showing that you understand her need to fit in with the culture she lives in, you’ll be able to maintain a great relationship with your little princess as you navigate and struggle through these tough waters. In the long run, a strong and open relationship with your child, coupled with uncompromising values of modesty, will best insure that she maintains appropriate dress, even when you aren’t looking.

“…have(ing) righteous principles in the first place…they will not fail to perform virtuous actions.” – Martin Luther

Dressing seductively is a fad today for teenage girls…you think? Like any other fad, it will pass soon enough. Parenting teenage girls to be modest in their appearance in the midst of this fad is a tough place to be, and every concerned parent I know hopes it will pass a little quicker. But then again, who knows what the next fad will bring?

About the Author

When A Troubled Teen Causes Marital Strife

When A Troubled Teen Causes Marital Strife Recently, on our Parenting Today’s Teens radio program, my guest and good friend, Dr. Melody Rhode commented that the death of a child is such a catastrophic experience in the life of parents; it leads 90% of those marriages to fail. A shocking statistic, isn’t it?

In my years of working with thousands of struggling teens and their parents, I’ve learned that parents of troubled teens experience a similar sense of grief and loss, and also a profound sense of betrayal from their teen. Perhaps their teen has run away or otherwise has totally abandoned the family and everything they hold dear. To these parents it may seem as though a “death” has occurred, and as such, it similarly puts a great deal of stress on their marriage.

Often, the crisis with a teen amplifies the true condition of a marriage, revealing its areas of weakness. A teen’s acting out may actually be his unintentional way of forcing the adults in his life to deal with their obvious marital problems. It may be a relational problem that everyone in the family already knows exists – but is never talked about or addressed – or, it could simply be a lack of real love or respect in the relationship. Unfortunately, a parent who tends to be always absent, angry, too submissive or too strict may demonstrate these traits even more as they also have to deal with their teen’s behavior. It can be overwhelming for any parent.

On the other hand, I’ve seen many parents (even parents who had previously divorced each other) band together when their teen experiences troubles. Contrary to the hopelessness of a death, these parents are hopeful that something can yet be done to help their teen. They know that more is at stake than their own needs. They know that this issue with their teenager is bigger and more important than their own issues. Therefore, they know they had better get their own act together, or their teen may be lost forever.

For married parents who want to help their teen through this crisis, it is critical to understand that dealing with a struggling teen can be hard on your marriage. Really hard! And the failure of your marriage in the midst of the turmoil can lead to even more dire consequences for your teenager. To help you avoid these destructive forces, I encourage you to take these proactive steps:

Preventing Marital Jeopardy for Parents of Troubled Teens

See the experience as something you must manage together. Attend couples counseling, get outside help specifically for managing your stress. If one of you tends to choose isolation from the problem, or expresses anger inappropriately, address it with a professional. If you’ve never had reason or motivation to improve your relationship, keep in mind that saving your teen is a really good reason.

Begin to share your feelings about what’s happening in your family. Hiding your feelings from your spouse, or not talking about your fears, anxieties, or worries only isolates you from the problem.

Present a united front to your teen, and one that insists your child treat both of you respectfully. This is a time when parenting comes from a love that is tough and remains strong, like that of a warrior ready to fight to keep a child from self-destruction. Treating each other respectfully is a first step.

Identify how your teen’s out of control behavior is specifically hurting your marriage relationship, and express your feelings openly to your spouse. Protect your spouse’s feelings and don’t share them with others.

Don’t expect your spouse to fill the void left by your teen’s wrong choices or absence.

Don’t expect your spouse to change. Instead, focus on changing yourself.

Don’t vent your frustrations on anyone else in the family, especially your spouse. Find other ways to vent that don’t include relationship-bashing.

Don’t blame each other for the trouble you are experiencing with your teen. Blame will help no one at this point and in fact will feed your teen’s problems.

Find other parents who are experiencing similar issues with their teen, and spend time with them. Relate your struggles and give them the chance to do the same. It may be difficult to find others who are willing to engage in such a private discussion, so you be willing to start the discussion, if needed. Attend conferences, like our Gathering at Heartlight, to help you gain insight and understand that you are not alone in this struggle.

Respond instead of react to what comes your way. Take time to think it through before you make a decision, and make certain the decision is one you both support. Ask God’s help in finding the right answers, and strength to do what’s necessary.

Don’t avoid the pain – if you avoid dealing with the pain, you avoid finding a solution. Examine the feelings of loss, betrayal, sorrow, or anger, and ask God to come alongside to bear your burdens

Make decisions together as much as possible in regard to your teen, but don’t undermine your spouse’s decisions even if they are not discussed in advance. Recognize that there are things your spouse will do differently, and let it become a strength. Try to support their style of parenting, even if it’s not always what you would do, or how you would do it.

Keep looking to the other side of the struggle. Be patient. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is God. Find hope in your relationship with God, and move in the direction He leads, knowing the struggle with your child will eventually end and the teen who gives you the hardest time is often the one you’ll end up relating to best down the road.

Above all, know this: Teens in crisis are experts at pitting one parent against another, creating a wedge in order to deflect attention away from their own bad behavior. So, at a time like this, be aware that you will be challenged with more marital problems. If you keep in mind where those stressors are coming from and also take to heart the steps I’ve outlined above, it could save your marriage.

Don’t let the temporary struggles with a teen damage your lifetime relationship with your spouse. Think about it. Hopefully, your spouse will be around your house a lot longer than your teen will be. Hold on. Stay the course. And don’t loose sight. This thing called adolescence will soon pass. But take advantage of those things you can learn during the struggle. These lessons can actually improve your marriage.

About the Author