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What Heals the Damage Caused by Conflict?

I’ve been confronting kids for 40 years and it wasn’t any easier the last time as it was the first time I challenged or confronted behavior, attitudes, motives, or actions that I thought were unacceptable or inappropriate. One would think that after living with 2,500+ high school kids, that the act of confrontation would be simple and comfortable. It’s not. But I have learned this through the years. I’ve never liked the process of confrontation, but I sure love the results as conflict is a pre-cursor to change, not only in the life of the one I confront, but in my own life as well.

Face it, conflict will happen within every family. And when it does, there is always a possibility that something is said or insinuated that might be hurtful to each of the parties engaged in the dispute. In each case, whether a parent makes a mistake in the approach to the conflict (wrong timing or mishandled accusation) or in the content of the discussion (misinterpreted words or comments wrongly made in the “heat of the battle”), it is always the responsibility of the parent to follow-up these uncomfortable engagements with their child.

A follow-up conversation with your child affirms your relationship with them, and sends a loud and clear message that you can love them just as much when they’ve “blown it” or violated a defined family standard. More importantly, it gives the platform to follow up and correct any mistakes that they might have made in the process and ask for their continued love when you’ve done the same. My encouragement to parents is to move toward your child when you are right; and move toward them quicker when you think that you might have been or were perceived to wrongly hurt your child.

Not following up on hurtful actions of confrontations to either correct the mistakes you’ve made or affirm the relationship, is what allows conflict to cause damage to your relationship with your child. Remember that you’re not only resolving issues that you have with your child, but, more importantly you are setting the example of conflict resolution and teaching your child how to admit fault, assume a position of humility, and ask for forgiveness for any of your wrongdoing; all characteristics in a person’s life that are more caught than taught. This is one of those precious times when your kids get a sample of your example.

It’s a teachable moment that is only learned when a parent asks for forgiveness with a quiet spirit of humility. And it is a moment that is not quickly forgotten by your child. A home that is determined to never have conflict so that they will never have damage done to relationships misses the opportunity to not only display these Christ-like traits to one another, but also loose the chance to deepen a relationship with one another.

I’ve found this to be true. When I see a teen that is unable to show humility and ask for forgiveness for their wrongdoing or admit failure and mistakes, it is usually because they don’t see those qualities displayed at home by their parents. Moms and Dads, when you pursue your child to prevent or heal the damage you’ve caused in their life, they will learn to pursue you when they wrong you.

So what are some things that you can do to heal the damage caused by conflict within a family?

Learn to say phrases that show your vulnerability and sensitivity to the hurt that is caused in truthful situations or conversations, without letting go of the intent of the confrontation. In other words, there may not be a problem with your message; it just might have been able to be presented in a more effective manner. These follow up messages may sound like:

– “I was wrong in the way I approached you, but I feel strongly about my message. Will you forgive me for that and allow us to talk about it further?”

– “I made some comments that were out of line….I was wrong….and I’d like to start our discussion over… can we do that?”

– “I think what I said came out wrong. I never meant to hurt you. Would you give me a second chance to tell you what I was thinking?”

2. Be intentional in your discussion about forgiveness to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in your home. It is usually created when parents begin interactions with comments like “I was wrong today…”, or “I offended someone today and had to ask their forgiveness.” Or, “I confronted someone today and found out that I was the one in the wrong… boy, was I surprised.” Or simply say, “I messed up today.” And then talk about how you made a mistake. Never will your child respect you more than when and admit a mistake or fault, and ask for forgiveness from them or those around you.

Shock your kids and spouse and be intentional about admitting you’re wrong once in a while. This action displays a humble heart and gives permission for your child to not have to be the perfect person they feel they must be. The ability of parents to become humble and admit wrongdoing is the # 1 characteristic I see in families who relate well with one another. The desire to further a relationship with your child is always a higher calling to “always needing to be right”.

And finally, learn to let go of the hurt that others have caused you. Allow forgiveness to be a quality that your kids will always remember about you as you parent them the God parents you. Remember God’s statement in Jeremiah, “For I will forgive… and will remember their sins no more” (31:34). Forgiveness is giving up hope you’ll ever have a better past. Let it go, and trust God for the days ahead.

Follow these simple steps, and you’ll love the results; in your life and theirs. And you’ll be surprised how much you will learn in the process.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Modeling Kindness in an Unkind World

Our world is a confusing place for kids. Nearly every day, our sons and daughters are confronted by some form of bullying, disrespect and a complete disregard for authority. These conflicting elements create an environment that makes it tough for teens to be kind. It’s hard to be gentle and meek when you’re constantly fighting against cultural trends and peer pressure.

If you’re like me, you can still remember bad stuff that happened from your teen years. I was bullied by a group of guys, and whenever the projector of my memory rolls the film on those ugly encounters, I still get emotionally wrapped up with anger.

As a parent, you might be the only authority in your child’s life to model how to engage in kindness.

Good parenting requires weaning our kids away from their childish dependence on us. It’s a long process of gradually taking away the creature comforts we once provided in order to force our teen to begin operating independently from us. Whether it’s drawing boundaries for them or coming to their rescue when something goes wrong, as they grow older, we need to employ an intentional plan for creating autonomy.

But when it comes to bullying, we need to take an active role of both protecting our teens and helping them understand the power of kindness and respect.

People in today’s society respond differently to failure than people have in previous generations. One reason is because we have greater access to information now than ever before. Technological advancement can be a good thing, but in this regard, it tends to be used for bad things. When someone fails, whether that’s a friend, a politician, an actor, or someone else, failure is instantaneously broadcasted over the World Wide Web. Any misstep, miscue, or hiccup can go viral in just a matter of seconds. Facebook alone allows for one negative comment to be shared with pretty much everyone in your social circle. This can be devastating for teens, and can cause them to lash out in a similar manner.

The benefit of these methods of communication, though, is that the same can happen with positive comments. As parents, we have the power to teach our teens how to show kindness in all of their interactions – both online and in person. The best place to start with this is in our home. Mom, dad, are you treating one another with love and respect? How are you showing kindness to the neighbors and others in your community? How are you treating your kids when they come home from school?

When your teen comes home from school and lashes out at you, it’s generally not disrespect. It’s spillover from their awful day because our kids don’t have a coping mechanism for what they experience on campus. When they show frustration, the best way to respond is with respect. Instead of shooting them down and correcting their actions, ask them to put words to their feelings. The biggest mistake we can make as a parent is to somehow telegraph to our teen some form of shame for the way they feel. We cannot change their feelings. Feelings are feelings.

If your teen rolls his eyes at you, ask him if you did something that caused frustration. Start a dialogue. Find out what motivated your child to do something disrespectful, and in doing so, you will accomplish two things. First, you will identify the root of the frustration, and second, you will model how to deal with conflict and frustration.

This doesn’t mean you are okay with your child showing you disrespect. I’m not saying you need to become a doormat for your child’s vitriol. I’m suggesting that you take a deep breath and try to drill down to the root of the problem without letting your own emotions escalate to a point where you cannot have a meaningful exchange with your child.

By showing genuine interest in the cause of their angst, you are surprising your teen with kindness and modeling how to have an adult conversation. Teens won’t expect you to move closer to them when they act disrespectful to you. They will expect your relationship to weaken. But when you engage them in relationship by talking calmly with them, you continue the opportunities to teach them kindness by showing them kindness.

Be prepared. When your teen finally opens up to you in a safe place, it won’t be easy to hear. Parenting teens is rarely a tidy process and usually a messy one.

If they blew up and showed disrespect to you, all that pent up emotion came from somewhere. When you successfully open up the lines of communication, your teen will take advantage of that open door in the future and they will begin to put words to their frustration. Once they get these emotions off their chest, you can objectively talk about the root cause of their disrespect, and this gives you an occasion to describe appropriate ways to show their feelings to you.

Remember, raising a child who is gentle and kind doesn’t mean we are creating a generation of wimps. Real men show respect. Real women are kind. And a mature teen should never be the recipient, nor the perpetrator, of bullying.

Our teens are heavily influenced by the culture that surrounds them every day. As parents, we have the golden opportunity to build a culture of kindness and respect in our home that will serve our teens for years to come.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR