Always tell the truth. If you can’t always tell the truth, don’t lie. –Author Unknown
Have you ever told a little white lie? Ever crossed your fingers behind your back when you did it? One of the legends regarding that little act originated with Roman persecution of Christians. It was said that to escape death, those who lied about their faith in Christ, just as Peter did, made the sign of the cross behind their back to ask God’s forgiveness. It seems that somehow, sign language would nullify the deceit!
The legend of crossing your fingers seems like a myth to me. But what is not a myth is the fact that many teenagers today are making a habit of “crossing their fingers behind their backs.” A recent Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth, by the Josephson Institute of Ethics, shows that 61% of teens admit to lying to a teacher about something important, and a whopping 76% admitted to lying to their parents last year. Another study, this one conducted in Britain, indicates that an overwhelming 84% of teens said they’ve regularly copied information from the Internet and pasted it right into their homework.
But it wasn’t necessarily those numbers that shocked me. What really rocked me back on my heels was that this recent study of American teenagers reported that while over 50% of teenagers admitted lying, cheating, or stealing within that last year, 93% of those same kids said they are “satisfied with their personal ethics and character.” In addition, 81% of those teenagers said that “when it comes to doing what’s right, they are better than most people they know.”
It would seem, sadly, that while dishonesty is taking a hold of more and more teenagers, they are blind to the fact that it is morally wrong. While it is in no way an excuse, we cannot overlook the way our culture glorifies all forms of dishonesty. I think we’d all be hard-pressed to name five unimpeachably honest public figures today. Who hasn’t turned on the TV or read the news in which a politician, business leader, sports figure, police officer, teacher or even a judge — those people we look up to as role models — has been caught in a lie, or has had a scandal exposed? And let’s not forget the explosion of popular, so-called, “reality” TV shows, whose strategy is usually based on deception and lying in order to gain a monetary prize or fame. While we should stress to our kids that we are all accountable for our own decisions, it’s difficult to reinforce the standards of honesty in a society that seems to broadcast that dishonesty is the far better road to travel.
So how can we reverse those statistics, and help our kids embrace truth over the lies?
Monitor the Media
Due to its anonymity and ease, the Internet is often a place where dishonesty abounds. Within the safety of the web, teens can speak or act out anything they desire, regardless if it’s the truth. Parents should be realize that such web-based deception can spill over and fuel an attitude of dishonesty in other areas of a teen’s life, as well.
When it comes to the Internet, or other forms of media, I tell parents to follow their instincts. Even if there is no obvious cause for concern, they should keep a wary eye on their child’s online surfing and make it a policy to know all of their teenager’s web passwords. In fact, I recommend parents install good monitoring software to track all of their teen’s Internet activity. Knowing that mom and dad are monitoring will go a long way toward keeping the teen honest in what they see, do and say on the Internet.
Make it a point to discuss with your teen the values they see in movies, television, or music. Though we cannot control all the input that our kids receive on a daily basis, we can use media opportunities to have discussions about life, morality and values. After watching a television program or movie, ask your child afterward, Why did that character act that way? What do you think they were trying to gain? Do you think they will ultimately achieve something by acting dishonestly? What would you do differently? These types of questions can steer your child into interpreting what they see and hear in more honest ways.
Reduce the Pressure to Perform
Lofty academic expectations can put a lot of pressure on a teen to cheat. Holding kids to unnecessarily high achievement standards can often spur kids to achieve good grades at any cost. These looming stresses at school are more troubling for kids than many parents realize. In fact, the Journal of Adolescent Health found that the stress to perform well in school keeps 68% of students awake at night. With a lack of sleep, students have a reduced ability to think clearly and handle stress, so it becomes a vicious cycle. As they fall farther behind, overwhelmed students may be tempted to cheat and lie their way to academic success.
If your child has been caught cheating at school, perhaps it’s time to bring the expectations down to a serviceable level for your teen. Of course, we want our kids to do well in school, but we’d all agree that we want them to do so honestly. It’s far better to have “C” student who came by their grades fairly, than an “A” student who was compelled to cheat because of unrealistic pressure at home. By your words and actions, tell your children that grades and academic achievement don’t matter as much as honesty.
Don’t Avoid or Ignore the Problem
While dishonesty may seem like a minor issue in comparison to other problems like drug abuse, sexual promiscuity and eating disorders, it is a vice that parents should not ignore. Dishonesty is rooted in an attitude of disrespect—disrespect for others, authority, possessions, family’s values, and disrespect for oneself. If you ignore your teen’s dishonest actions today, you may have to deal with bigger problems later. Deceit won’t go away with the mere passage of time. It will reappear at significant stress points later in your child’s life—when they go off to college, get a job, or get married. Getting away with lying, cheating or theft today can lead to a lifetime of dishonesty, and that can land them in real heartache in the future.
If you’ve seen dishonesty creeping into how your teen talks or acts, or if you’ve learned they have cheated or stolen something, today is the day to expose it. Here’s how to deal with the problem properly. First, briefly describe the dishonest behavior, so you both know what happened. Second, tell your child how you feel about it and how it that action is neither wise nor moral. Then, most importantly, affirm that you know they can do better. Let your teen know that you believe they can change their behavior. Give them the confidence to do what’s right. After your discussion, have your teen right their wrong, including confessing to whomever was wronged from the dishonesty, cheating or theft. Finally, enforce appropriate consequences and make sure they know that you will be on the lookout for any form of dishonesty in the future.
Also, be sure to model honesty yourself, and make it a habit to be truthful. If you think you’ve hidden dishonesty from them in the past, think again. Teens are extremely intuitive and they can spot hypocrisy a mile away. If you know you’ve been dishonest in front of your teen, ask their forgiveness, and give yourself some consequences for the bad behavior, so your teen knows how important it is to be honest. Teens need some good role models in regard to honesty. Live out Proverbs 8:7, and your teen will follow suit; I always speak the truth and refuse to tell a lie.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.
His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.