ignores Archives | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

What if nothing seems to be working to encourage your teenager to head in a better direction? Perhaps you’ve applied consequences to correct their inappropriate behavior, and have progressively taken away many or all of their privileges, but they still break your rules and they still defy you.

Having a child who is struggling will wear you out. The parents who drop off their teenagers at our Heartlight residential counseling program are at their wit’s end, tired, and frazzled. They’ve literally spent every ounce of emotional energy in a struggle that has taken place over many months. It’s not easy for any parent to leave their child in the hands of strangers, but at that point, they are desperate for solutions.

There is never a good time in our busy lives to be faced with a crisis like dealing with a teenager caught in the spin cycle. Most parents describe the struggle as a “roller-coaster” or a “powder keg.” It can either be a time of the whole family banding together, or it can tear them apart. With what is at stake, the most important thing you can do for your teenager is to keep your relationship strong and prevent the struggle from becoming the focus of your life. You’ll have those “valley” days. Walk through the valley, and keep on walking, for as long as it takes.

One question I am often asked is, “What if my teen simply won’t talk to me?” My response is for the parent to look inward in this case to determine if there is anything they are doing to spark this behavior. Keep in mind that you can only change one person in this world — you. You cannot force your child to talk. So, ask your spouse or other family members if they see something in the way you are relating to your teen that may be turning them off. Or, maybe you haven’t spent enough time building a relationship, so you really shouldn’t expect your teenager to relate well to you. Remember, in their growing drive for independence, you’ll simply become a babysitter in their eyes if you have no relationship. You’re the one who keeps them from doing what they want to do, instead of the one who is helping them get to where they want to go in life.

To get teens to open up, I recommend you spend more time with them, as difficult as that can be. And spend more time asking questions than talking. In fact, I never share an opinion or my advice with a teenager unless it is asked for. I find that teens won’t listen to or heed my advice if they don’t ask for it. They may even feel like I am trying to control or put them down when I force my opinion on them. So, they put up their defenses; like a Texas Armadillo, those defenses can be formidable. They’ll roll up in a ball and not let anything break through their tough armor.

I also tell parents to pace themselves when things are out of control. Give it a break. Like any other activity, burnout can happen if there aren’t rest periods. Remember the timeouts you likely gave them when they were little? Well, maybe it is time for you to give yourself some timeouts, away from the stress. Even a night away can be enough refreshment to break the tension for a week or two. If not, in your fatigue, you will become more emotional, you’ll respond defensively or overreact, and you’ll come across in a worse way than you intended. You need some periodic rest.

One thing that can help at the low times is to pull out old pictures and videos to remember the good old days when your teen didn’t treat you like dirt. It will give you better perspective and strength to keep fighting for what’s right for your teenager even though it may be a totally one-sided and unappreciated fight for his future. Celebrate the good days. They’ll likely be few and far between for a time, but that’s okay. Let them prop you up. Enjoy each victory. Laugh with your teen. Reflect on the good, and hope for a future filled with more days like it.

Be sure to give the reins to God, and He will give you peace, strength, and the right perspective to deal with your teenager. Look at what may need changing in your own life. And finally, no matter how they’ve hurt you, and no matter what they’ve done, love your teen unconditionally, as God loves us.

Is having a teen who is spinning out of control a serious threat to them, to your marriage and to your entire family? You bet. So approach it with the intensity and wisdom needed to move them to resolution. Stick to your guns and get help from many sources. If you simply cannot control your teen and you fear for their safety and their future, you might want to give our Heartlight residential program a call or visit the website at www.heartlightministries.org. We’ve had over 25 years success in turning around thousands of teenagers. What you might save in the process is your child’s life and your family’s future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

At any given time, countless parents across the country are doing the same thing with their emotionally unavailable and rebellious teens: marginalizing, disrespecting, disempowering—and trying to control them from a place of fear.

That’s It… I Quit!

When your teens don’t perform as expected, telling them that they need to do better won’t help. And when arguing, fighting and pleading seems to be all that you’ve been doing with them since they were 12, then chances are good that your teen is rebelling against your control-through-fear style of parenting. However, unlike disgruntled workers on the job, your teen can’t quit his or her “job” of being your child. They can only quit the relationship. So they shut down. And the self-destructive ways they choose to do this can be pretty upsetting to parents.

I’ve said this a million times but it bears repeating: Shutting down is just a symptom of something else that’s going on with your teen. There’s a motive behind everything. And it’s your job as a parent to find out what that is —not through intimidation or ultimatums, but through a heart-to-heart connection.

Becoming a Safe Place

Think about it this way—how does God deal with us? If you asked Jesus right now, “What do you think of me?” how do you think he would answer? Would He say, “I love you very much. But you know, you’re just not doing enough! I’d love you a lot more if you towed the line, screwed up less and obeyed everything I told you.”

That’s not how God deals with us. When we mess up, we can always turn to God for forgiveness and grace. God is a SAFE place. Ask yourself, do your children feel that way about you? Are you a safe place for them?

Here’s what I know for certain: When love and freedom replace punishment and fear as the motivating forces in the relationship between parent and child, the quality of life improves dramatically for all.

Let’s Play Aggravation

A story was recently told to me about a mom and dad who changed their controlling parenting style to one of love and respect.

“For two years our son lived in his room,” the mom said. “The only time he came out was to either grunt in response to us—or fight. We realized something had to change and that change was us—how we chose to relate to him. Then a miracle happened. One evening, our son left his room, walked into the living room and plopped himself right next to his dad and I. He began to tell us about his day, and how he was starting to see how much his peers disrespected each other. Once I got over the shock of him actually talking to us, I asked him, ‘When did you start noticing this?’ What he said next floored me. ‘Because of the respect that you and dad have been showing me lately … I never knew what that looked like before.’”

“My son then did something he hadn’t done in years—he asked us if we wanted to play a board game with him. The name of that board game? Aggravation. The irony was not lost on us—we were a family that had aggravated each other almost to death, and now here we all are peacefully co-existing as we sit down to play a board game called … Aggravation.”

I cannot emphasize enough how critical it is to show respect towards your teen—even if they’re not respecting you at the time. It will allow you to make inroads into your child’s heart. And when you have inroads into their heart then eventually—in time—you’ll have a relationship. And when you have a relationship then, your teen will actually want to protect that close connection with you. But if you try to force this—if you try to control them through fear and intimidation—that will evoke a different goal on their part: to avoid punishment. Your teen’s decisions will be an offshoot of that goal—to rebel and shun you.

Captivate or Control?

As Christian parents, our ultimate goal is to introduce our children to a relationship with God. And we can do that by doing our best to relate to our teens just like God relates to us. So if you have a fear-based, distorted view of God, then you need to change that— sooner than later.

Remember, God doesn’t want to control us. He wants to captivate us. That should appeal to you and your teen. You don’t want to be controlled. And your teen is no different. What teens really need is to be empowered to make their own choices. If all you want to accomplish is outward obedience and conformity, then fear-based parenting is one option. But it’s an inferior method that will produce inferior results. You might manage to produce a compliant child as a result. But you’ll also be providing your teen a distorted view of God.

Part of empowering your teen means giving them the freedom to make mistakes. We read in Galatians 5:1 that, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” For your teen, this means that for freedoms sake you need to lovingly—and with proper guidelines—allow Christ to set your teen free. This means giving your teen freedom to make poor choices with the understanding that God is much, much bigger than your teen’s mistakes. God’s not scared of our poor choices, so why would He be scared of your teen’s bad decisions? He always has another plan—even when we get temporarily derailed.

Ask Questions. Stay Interested. Pursue their Friends.

Here are a few basic guidelines to help you when your teen shuts down:

Don’t give up on asking questions. I’m not talking loaded questions here. You’re intent is not to get them into trouble. Let the consequences of their behavior do that. When you ask questions, rather than providing all the answers, you’re saying, “I want to know what you think, because it’s valuable to me. I want to know your heart… how you’re put together and how you came to those conclusions about________ “
Stay interested in them. Even when they give you the silent treatment and would rather that you lived in Alaska and they had their own pad south of the Equator, don’t stop. Keep moving towards your teen. Because that is what God does with us.
Pursue your teen’s friends. No, not with a warrant. Put aside your personal opinions on the piercings, the tattoos, the grunting and bad attitude, and think of them instead as a rowdy son—perhaps your own son—who just happened to have lived in a pig sty for a few months. Sure they might be a bit “smelly,” but embracing your teen’s friends will serve a two-fold purpose: (1) you’ll gain entrance into your teen’s world, caring about the people they love, and (2) you’ll be demonstrating the love of Jesus. Put it this way. You can go half way around the world and find someone from a remote village to snatch from the jaws of Hell and bring with you to Heaven—or, you can love on a lost teen in your local high school. Both are good goals. One’s just closer to home.

In conclusion, let me say this: The restoration of the family is very high on God’s priority list. This means that Heaven is banking on your success with your shut-down teen. So am I. My greatest desire is to help restore joy and purpose to your parenting experience. To do that, you will no doubt need to make some changes—in some cases, major ones. I won’t lie to you. It’s hard work. It will take sacrifice—and patience. And sometimes a thick skin. But trust me, in the end, it will be worth it.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

ignores

When Nothing is Working

When Teens Shut Down