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Dealing with the Cards You’ve Been Dealt

At times, life can seem like a fixed card game. To your right is a neighbor who is holding pocket aces. Their family is like a Norman Rockwell painting, and they never seem to struggle. You, on the other hand? Your family is more like a reality TV show than a Rockwell painting. You look at your cards, and you feel like you’ve been dealt a crummy hand.

Wouldn’t it be nice to throw your bad cards away, and reshuffle the deck? It could be that the teenage years are throwing your home into a tailspin, and you’re tempted to just walk away. Or perhaps raising your child has been a battle, and you’re thinking about waving the white flag and giving up. I get it. Life is not fair. Sometimes the family members God has placed in our lives aren’t the folks we would have chosen ourselves. Why is it your kid who has the issues? Why is your family the one going through so many struggles?

Mom and dad; let me give you some encouragement. Though we cannot throw in our cards and reshuffle the deck, it’s possible to take what’s been handed to us and turn it into something beautiful, meaningful, and full of blessing.

Don’t Wriggle Away

I heard Chuck Swindoll say something about trials that has stuck with me throughout my years dealing with troubled teens. He said, “Everything that comes to you has first come through the hands of God.” Recognizing that God intimately knows whatever teen troubles or family issues you are facing will give you a different perspective on your situation. Your problems are not unfortunate coincidences; they are divine circumstances! That teen under your roof was placed there by God. She’s not an accident or a mistake. He’s there for a reason. When you experience conflict or hard times at home, don’t run away or retreat. Pray for more patience. Ask for wisdom. Let the Holy Spirit search your heart in case there are any logs in your own eye adding to the difficulties (Matthew 7:5).

When we try to escape trials by ignoring them, we are like kids who sleep with a textbook under their pillow before a test, hoping that answers will come to them through mental osmosis. But real life character tests don’t work that way. We have to work hard to know ourselves and our kids. And we also have to know how to gently, but firmly, handle conflict. Then, when the pressure is on, we will have the opportunity to grow and become better parents. It’s through difficult circumstances that we gain patience, grace, forgiveness, strength, and perseverance. So when the trials come, don’t wriggle away. Embrace them as opportunities to grow, knowing God is using hardship to change you.

Expect Bumpiness

C.S. Lewis once said, “I don’t doubt God’s desire to want the best for us—I just wonder how painful it’s going to be!” I have talked to countless parents who have come to my conferences or seminars, and told me, “I didn’t anticipate the trouble I would have with my child.” Because these moms and dads weren’t expecting trials, when difficulties came, they were taken off guard. If you’re the parent of a pre-teen or a teen; expect bumps! It will not be smooth sailing. As a teen gradually moves away from mom and dad and achieves a healthy independence, the movements often include unhealthy emotional shoving, jostling, elbowing, and some bumps and bruises. While it’s not pleasant, it’s a natural part of growing up.

If you are under the impression that your teen will not make mistakes, push your buttons, or try your patience, then you will be unpleasantly surprised when all of this eventually happens. Handling what has been handed to you means being ready for whatever comes your way.

Take the Long View

I love to water ski. Around the Heartlight campus in Texas are some of the best lakes in the country to carve the waves (as my kids would say). But if you’ve never waterskied before, here’s the trick. Never, ever, ever look at your feet. If you do, you’ll hit the water at 60 miles an hour, and skip across the surface like a rock. Instead, find a point in the distance, keep your focus there, and you’ll stay on your feet.

Raising a teenager is a little like water skiing. If you focus on where you are and not where you’re going, you’ll get caught off balance. In the present you may be discouraged thinking, “How will this ever get better? When will this turn around?” Caught up in the troubles of the here and now, you can lose sight of the future. And what’s the future? “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you [or your child, teenager, husband, wife, or any other person in your house] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

God is still at work. He hasn’t handed you this trial only to leave you hanging. The good work that He started, He promises to finish. Though you cannot see how God is going to get you through this problem now, or how He is going to turn it around, He can, and He will.

When what’s been handed to you starts to bring you down, look up. Get a glimpse of the future and know that years from now, you’ll look back and say, “Yes, God was working in that circumstance and in my kid the whole time.”

Work in Community

Trying to cope with parenting a teen all alone is hard, exhausting, and isolating. It can make you feel like you are the only one struggling. But that’s just not the case. There are moms and dads just like you in your church, at work, and in your PTA that are trying to deal with what’s been handed to them. They need support just as much as you do. God has put us in our communities so we can come alongside each other, encourage each another, and take comfort in the fact that we have similar problems and issues.

If you’re trying to deal with a troubled teen on your own, stop! Get together with other people in your church. Start a weekly gathering. Share your burdens with each other and find comfort among other believers. It’s a resource that God wants you to take full advantage of.

Your Child is Right For You

Trust me, there are times when I wonder whether at the hospital certain children got swapped and I took home the wrong kid! This can’t be my son or daughter who is making life so difficult! But here’s the truth. God hand-picked you for a reason. Of every mom and dad on the planet He chose you to parent your child. Your son or daughter needs you. And you need them. Through your teenager, God is molding and shaping you to be more like Christ.

Handling what’s been handed to you is no easy feat. I can’t know every struggle or trial that you are facing. But I do know that it’s possible not only to deal with each situation, but to allow it to be a blessing for you and your child. You can take that crummy hand and turn it into a winning combination.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Teenagers Seeking Purpose

You want your kids to fulfill every bit of their unique purpose in life. When you first hold your newborn, the future and its possibilities flash through your mind. Will she be a doctor? Will he be a lawyer? I want her to do well. I hope he is like his dad.

As your children grow, you are able to direct their dreams for a while. Life is good. Then something happens. All of a sudden, seemingly overnight, everything changes. The once amiable child is now a teenager and is no longer following your road map! He seems to have developed his own direction, forsaking what you had imagined for him. How did this happen?

As kids mature in the teen years, they begin searching on their own for meaning in life, a purpose for living, something that makes their life worth living. And that may not at all match what Mommy and Daddy thought it should be.

Why Am I Here?

One of the most important life questions your teen will begin asking and wrestling with is, “Why am I here?” or “What’s my purpose on this Earth?” Without a purpose, life becomes motion without meaning; trivial, petty, pointless, and founded upon whatever the culture offers up as the latest “must have” material thing or “must do” activity.

“The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder—a waif, a nothing, a no man.” –Thomas Carlyle

Pastor Rick Warren calls this pursuit for meaning the drive for purpose. In his blockbuster book “The Purpose-Driven Life,” Warren offers the answer; “You were made for a mission. You aren’t here just to wander around lost. And you aren’t here simply to live for yourself.”

I grew up in a time and home where people believed that God had a plan for each of our lives. I was taught that each person is as unique as the fingerprints stamped on their digits, and that God wanted a personal relationship with me. I learned that I was uniquely created, fearfully and wonderfully made, and that Christ died for “me.” I was told that I was precious in God’s sight.

So, why are kids so lost today? Are parents no longer passing on these same values to their children? I am convinced that if more kids knew their purpose, they’d have fewer struggles in the teen years. They’d feel a sense of meaning; they’d know where they are headed and concentrate on getting there.

When I look back at my own life, my work, and my happiness about fulfilling God’s purpose for my life, I get excited all over again. It all started from a point in my life when I felt hopeless, lost, and not knowing where to turn. At that point I started asking questions about my own purpose in life, and I started listening to the answers God was giving me.

Showing Your Teen How to Find Their Life Purpose

A good place to begin the search for purpose is to understand that purpose is woven into every strand of the fabric of our lives. It has to do with God-given talents, the experiences in our life, and those things which give a person “goose bumps” or a tear to their eye when they think about them. Moreover, purpose has to do with using those talents to serve God and others, not one’s self.

“Between this day and the next you will give your life to something. The decision on what that will be will shape your destiny.” –Rick Warren

So, has your teen ever taken stock of their talents and gifts? Are they a great talker, or a great listener? Are they skilled at building things, or are they good with people? Is their talent more cerebral or more physical? I suggest they make a list of the things and activities that interest them and those in which they excel. There are a number of places on the Web that they can take online Spiritual Gifts Tests. They can also ask themselves, “What’s the one thing that I do better than others?” This can clue them in to their God-given purpose.

The gifts God gives us need to be tested in fertile soil, so it’s important for a teen to get a wide variety of experiences. As they do so, certain talents will sprout and blossom, others will wilt and die. Through these new experiences, God will reveal more about who they are and how God has called them to serve Him and others. One experience can literally change their life.

Unlike the Field of Dreams premise “If you build it they will come,” teenagers shouldn’t get stuck on developing just one purpose, even if for the moment they are convinced it is their true purpose in life. It is far better that they continue to experience new things. So, a better plan for finding life purpose is, “As they experience it, it will come to them.” And keep in mind that they may have difficulty finding their purpose in the classroom or from books. So a parent should provide plenty of “field experiences” for their teenager.

Take a Simple Life Purpose Exercise

For teens (or parents) who have already had many experiences in life, and are still confused about their purpose, here’s a good exercise. Take out a blank sheet of paper and write at the top, “What is My Life Purpose?” Then, have them begin writing answers. They should write any answer that pops into their head. It could be a word or two, or a sentence. Repeat until they write the answer that makes them cry – obviously not a sad cry, but a joyful one. Yup, if it makes a tear come to their eye, then it’s a sure bet that this is their purpose, or at least associated with their purpose. They should do it in private and without any accompanying music or other distractions. It may take 100 or even 200 lines of potential “purposes” to hit the one that makes a tear come to their eye, but encourage them to keep at it until they do.

Helen Keller said it best, “Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”

When God begins revealing their purpose, remind your teen that it may not be reached tomorrow, next month or even in logical steps. Instead, they may need to take some initial steps to get there and there may be detours along the way. But knowing the destination will help them build strength and courage to get there – often much more than we might expect they’ll have.

It’s a Lifelong Journey

Finding purpose is a lifelong journey. God doesn’t give all the details at once, nor does He promise it will be a smooth ride. Instead, He often provides just enough information to help us move another mile down the road. It helps us to trust Him as our Navigator. As you progress along the road of your life’s purpose, pay attention to the road signs He provides along the way and listen to Him speak to you.

Nothing matters more than your teen knowing God’s purpose for their life, and nothing can compensate for not knowing it. Knowing their purpose gives meaning to their life and each step along the way. It motivates them to prepare for their purpose, to save themselves for that purpose, and to avoid anything that might get in the way. Knowing their purpose simplifies their life and removes confusion.

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” –Robert Byrne

On the other hand, without a clear purpose, they have no foundation on which to base decisions, allocate their time, and use their resources. Without a clear purpose, they’ll keep changing directions, jobs, relationships, churches, or other externals—hoping each change will settle the confusion or fill the emptiness in their heart.

The Comfort of Knowing God’s Purpose

Isn’t it comforting to know that God has a bigger purpose for each of us? If you believe it, then step in front of a mirror and look for areas in your own life that need to grow. Perhaps you’re not following your own heart in finding God’s purpose in your life. Aim this year to make some changes – with God’s help.

“A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.” –Proverbs 11:28 (The Message)

As for me, I stand on His promises, I’m assured of His presence, I love His involvement, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am living in the center of His purpose for my life.

“What’s my purpose?” is probably the most important and empowering question you or your teenager will ever ask in this lifetime. So help them uncover their talents, their strengths, their values, and their passion. Help them experience new things and develop a plan – any plan, even if it is just a first step. Find ways for them to live life with intent. This year is a great time to help your teen – and maybe even you – begin a quest for purpose.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Getting the Help You Need, When You Need It

I recently received a letter from a mom and dad who attended one of our Family in Crisis retreats last year. I was touched and excited about the amazing changes that had occurred in this family’s life, and I wanted to share it with you. They, like most families caught in crisis situations, found their family in a downward spiral after raising the kids in a godly home. Things went well for most of their kids; not so well for one of their daughters. This is how they described the situation in the letter:

“At that time we probably fit 10 out of 10 of the most critical warning signs that things had really gone awry in our family. Our 15-year-old daughter seemed to be in a continuous downward spiral, exhibiting every kind of negative behavior from disrespect, angry outbursts, and excessive risk taking, to depression, poor grades, and open rebellion. Drugs, alcohol, and sexual promiscuity were all elements of her behavior as well. She didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone. She had no friends, no relationships outside of our family, and she was rejecting every moral and spiritual principle we had ever held. Her mood swings kept us all on an emotional roller coaster. For months we lived with the fear of potential suicide. We couldn’t sleep, eat, make any plans; we could barely function.”

If you’ve been there, you know the feelings of what this family is talking about. And in a world where options for kids spinning out of control are somewhat limited, I was thankful that there was an option that didn’t mean a teen had to leave home, and that parents weren’t going to have a spend a fortune getting their family straightened out.

I spend most of time now helping prevent families from ever having to send their child away to get the help they need. For those who don’t know, besides the books, articles, radio programs, and speaking events I’m involved with, I am also the Executive Director of a program that I founded 28 years ago, Heartlight. It is a residential counseling program for 60 teens. I take what I have learned from all of the 2,500 kids that have lived with us, and share that through any medium I can to apply these “lessons learned” to as many as possible.

Last year, I decided to donate my time to 8 retreats that we hold at Heartlight, which is just out my back door. These retreats are called Families in Crisis Conferences, and are they the first step for families that are in crisis to find a resolution. So I encourage everyone struggling with a teen to come to these events, not because I make money (I don’t receive a dime), but because I think you’ll find answers to the situation that you are in, find some new ways to address your family’s issues, and gain a new sense of hope. Here’s what this family did:

“We attended the Families in Crisis Retreat at Heartlight in Longview, Texas, and it was as if someone had thrown us a life rope when we were floundering in the middle of a stormy ocean. Mark’s books were extremely helpful and served as our constant resource as we persevered toward restoration for our family. We began to implement the things we had learned.”

I truly think that these lessons I have learned through the years from teens and families I have been involved with can be applied to any family today, and either prevent this current teen culture from having a devastating effect on your child, help you prepare your child for their upcoming teen years, or help you resolve issues that have been created because of this sometimes damaging adolescent atmosphere. This family who wrote, directly attributes the change in their son to what they learned from our input:

“Our son will soon be entering his last semester of high school with the anticipation of graduating in May. Things are SO much better now than they were before we attended the retreat. He has become a fun, funny, thoughtful, respectful, helpful, obedient young man, who is a joy to be around. Almost everywhere we go, he walks with his arm around one of us, continuously tells us how proud of us he is, and how thankful he is to have us as his parents. We no longer dread every day. In fact, we look forward to them. We laugh all the time, and enjoy each other every day. Months ago, we didn’t know if we could all continue to live in the same house. Now we’re really going to miss him when he leaves! Thank you Mark for giving us hope, and the skills we needed, to get things back on track.”

Again, I’m not trying to sell you anything. I am trying to get you to take advantage of some of the resources that we provide. Because I live “right there” I invite all the participants over to eat dinner at my home on one of the nights. Please don’t hesitate to call us at 903-668-2173 to find out more about this opportunity, or visit www.FamilyCrisisConference.com for additional information and upcoming dates.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR