help Archives | Page 3 of 9 | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

Getting the Help You Need, When You Need It

I recently received a letter from a mom and dad who attended one of our Family in Crisis retreats last year. I was touched and excited about the amazing changes that had occurred in this family’s life, and I wanted to share it with you. They, like most families caught in crisis situations, found their family in a downward spiral after raising the kids in a godly home. Things went well for most of their kids; not so well for one of their daughters. This is how they described the situation in the letter:

“At that time we probably fit 10 out of 10 of the most critical warning signs that things had really gone awry in our family. Our 15-year-old daughter seemed to be in a continuous downward spiral, exhibiting every kind of negative behavior from disrespect, angry outbursts, and excessive risk taking, to depression, poor grades, and open rebellion. Drugs, alcohol, and sexual promiscuity were all elements of her behavior as well. She didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone. She had no friends, no relationships outside of our family, and she was rejecting every moral and spiritual principle we had ever held. Her mood swings kept us all on an emotional roller coaster. For months we lived with the fear of potential suicide. We couldn’t sleep, eat, make any plans; we could barely function.”

If you’ve been there, you know the feelings of what this family is talking about. And in a world where options for kids spinning out of control are somewhat limited, I was thankful that there was an option that didn’t mean a teen had to leave home, and that parents weren’t going to have a spend a fortune getting their family straightened out.

I spend most of time now helping prevent families from ever having to send their child away to get the help they need. For those who don’t know, besides the books, articles, radio programs, and speaking events I’m involved with, I am also the Executive Director of a program that I founded 28 years ago, Heartlight. It is a residential counseling program for 60 teens. I take what I have learned from all of the 2,500 kids that have lived with us, and share that through any medium I can to apply these “lessons learned” to as many as possible.

Last year, I decided to donate my time to 8 retreats that we hold at Heartlight, which is just out my back door. These retreats are called Families in Crisis Conferences, and are they the first step for families that are in crisis to find a resolution. So I encourage everyone struggling with a teen to come to these events, not because I make money (I don’t receive a dime), but because I think you’ll find answers to the situation that you are in, find some new ways to address your family’s issues, and gain a new sense of hope. Here’s what this family did:

“We attended the Families in Crisis Retreat at Heartlight in Longview, Texas, and it was as if someone had thrown us a life rope when we were floundering in the middle of a stormy ocean. Mark’s books were extremely helpful and served as our constant resource as we persevered toward restoration for our family. We began to implement the things we had learned.”

I truly think that these lessons I have learned through the years from teens and families I have been involved with can be applied to any family today, and either prevent this current teen culture from having a devastating effect on your child, help you prepare your child for their upcoming teen years, or help you resolve issues that have been created because of this sometimes damaging adolescent atmosphere. This family who wrote, directly attributes the change in their son to what they learned from our input:

“Our son will soon be entering his last semester of high school with the anticipation of graduating in May. Things are SO much better now than they were before we attended the retreat. He has become a fun, funny, thoughtful, respectful, helpful, obedient young man, who is a joy to be around. Almost everywhere we go, he walks with his arm around one of us, continuously tells us how proud of us he is, and how thankful he is to have us as his parents. We no longer dread every day. In fact, we look forward to them. We laugh all the time, and enjoy each other every day. Months ago, we didn’t know if we could all continue to live in the same house. Now we’re really going to miss him when he leaves! Thank you Mark for giving us hope, and the skills we needed, to get things back on track.”

Again, I’m not trying to sell you anything. I am trying to get you to take advantage of some of the resources that we provide. Because I live “right there” I invite all the participants over to eat dinner at my home on one of the nights. Please don’t hesitate to call us at 903-668-2173 to find out more about this opportunity, or visit www.FamilyCrisisConference.com for additional information and upcoming dates.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

The Hidden Culprit of Teen Troubles

Whether or not you think it can happen in your Christian home, your teenager is most likely experimenting with drugs or alcohol. I say that because you probably wouldn’t be reading this article unless you were already having problems with your teen.

It’s always surprising to me when parents ask for my help, and then list their teen’s issues, all pointing clearly to drug use:

“My son is truant, lies, steals, runs away, is disrespectful, deceitful, has anger issues, failing school, has the wrong friends, and seems to hate our family.” Or, “My child has stolen my car, my wallet, my cell phone, left his relationship with God behind, is cutting, has depression, ADD, ODD, or seems to have identity issues. He is a great kid but has turned into someone we don’t recognize.”

Fact is, parents are facing a difficult battle of raising kids in a teen culture bent on experimenting with every possible drug. In addition to alcohol and the common illegal drugs we all know about, teens today are learning from the Internet and from their peers about every other way to get high, including potent concoctions of common items and prescription drugs readily available in your home and even some of the plants found in your yard. Though usually less addictive, some of these are even riskier to your teen’s health and mental stability than the better known street drugs!

What these parents don’t seem to realize is that hidden drug use may be the underlying reason they are seeing behavioral issues in their teen. In fact, unless the possibility of drug use is first ruled out, all the counseling help in the world will have no positive effect. Your teen will continue to struggle with life for as long as they are taking drugs, and usually for many months thereafter.

Is drug use happening right under your nose? Possibly. No, it’s more like a real probability if you’ve seen drastic and unexplainable changes in a teen’s thinking, behavior, grades, or circle of friends. You may be fortunate and discover your teen is just in the early stages of experimentation, or you may be shocked to find they have been at it in secrecy for quite some time. In either case, the key is to find out, for sure.

Any behavioral issue that remains unresolved, despite repeated attempts to address it with differing approaches is one indicator you may be dealing with a teen who is abusing drugs in one form or another.

A few other behavior signs of undetected drug abuse include:

Lying – not just once or twice, but chronically, especially if lying is new for your teen.

Breakdown in normal habits – drastic changes in sleep, appetite, the ability to complete schoolwork, loss of interest in things they once loved, extreme forgetfulness, and no longer keeping themselves clean.

Change in friends – they exchange healthy friendships for fierce loyalty to unhealthy relationships and friends you don’t even know. They may even run away, or disappear with their friends and you don’t know where they are for long stretches of time.

Stealing or sudden wealth – shoplifting, credit card abuse, things disappearing without explanation, joyriding, money or valuables missing. Or, you may see unexplained money, jewelry, new clothes, or new gadgets from the selling of drugs (even from selling your prescriptions).

Change in schedule – up all night, or up very late at night, sleeps for days, misses work, misses appointments, misses school repeatedly, wants to be on the phone late at night or regularly wants to stay overnight at a friend’s house.

Aggression, anger, mood swings, disrespect, and blaming – to an unreasonable degree, and directed against you and your family or other authorities.

And, look for homemade drug paraphernalia, like: pincers or paper clips for smoking, empty or disassembled pen cases for snorting, credit cards or razors for sniffing, empty aerosol cans for huffing, match piles and lighters, bags of unknown leafs, burnt spoons, homemade pot pipes, steel wool, hypodermic needle parts, unknown prescription bottles, unexplained empty cold remedy blister packs, empty alcohol cans or bottles, missing glues or solvents, or knives and spoons for crushing pills repeatedly show up in their room.

Do you want to know one of the main sources of drugs for teens today? The evidence of your teen’s use can be seen in the dwindling supply of prescription meds you have in your medicine cabinet. Some kids are even getting a buzz off of massive doses of certain vitamins, or they are consuming mega doses of vitamins, teas and herbs in attempt to mask their drug use in drug tests.

The problem lies not in recognizing how drugs might be affecting your child’s behavior. It’s easy to identify bad behavior and blame it on normal teenage emotions. The real dilemma comes from the parent not believing their child might be experimenting with or using drugs in the first place. It’s simply called denial.

You may not understand the reason your child has chosen drug use as their way to “cope” with some giant in their life, but that’s another matter altogether. And because it is inconceivable that your child would ever do such a thing, you may fail to consider it, discuss it with him or drug test him to find out.

Don’t stick your head in the sand and pretend that your teen knows better than to try drugs. If you are dealing with an out of control teen, and there have been no other traumatic events or psychological problems in your child’s life, you are probably dealing with drugs or alcohol in one form or another. The sooner you know what you are dealing with, the better the chance you’ll have for finding the right kind of help for your child.

So, here’s the answer. If your teen is showing some of the signs I’ve already mentioned, I recommend that every few weeks, unannounced, you drug test your teen. Do it even when they squeal in protest and are disappointed that you don’t trust them. Easy to use home drug and alcohol test kits can be bought in almost any drug store. And when you test them, stay in the room. Don’t trust them to give you a valid sample. If they are getting caught up in that culture, they’ll also know ways to get around the test and they’ll have no trouble lying to you about it.

Overall, they need to know you will do everything in your parental power to keep drugs from becoming a part of their history, even if it means putting them in a drug rehab program or even reporting them to the authorities and landing them in jail.

Better a few days in jail than a life in the grip of drugs.

If your teen is acting up, act now to drug and alcohol test them, not later. Every day you wait is possibly another step closer to your teen becoming a drug addict or alcoholic, or worse yet, overdosing and dying. Sadly, it happens every few minutes of every day to a family just like yours.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

When Your Teen is Struggling

Have you ever asked yourself, “What on earth does God have in mind by allowing both me and my teen to struggle so?”

I often see Christians who believe that parenting according to scriptural values, taking their kids to church every time the doors are open, and promoting family togetherness means that all will be well in the teenage years. Like buying an insurance plan, they think that doing the right things will bring about the right result.

Let me tell you, based on years of experience with struggling teens and their parents, that this thinking is just plain wrong. Never assume that applying a continuous moral or religious presence in your child’s life will in itself bring about a perfect transition from childhood to adulthood. It can help and should be encouraged, but it is no guarantee. The often-quoted scripture “train up a child in the way he should go” says nothing about the turbulent teenage years. In fact, you’ll want to remember that some biblical characters with seemingly perfect spiritual upbringings had difficulties themselves in their teenage years.

Stuff happens that is out of our control as parents, and even if we do everything right, stuff still happens. One angelic teenager can lead us to think that we have found the right formula, right up until we see our next child go down a completely different path. Welcome to the real world — where God gives each of our children a free will.

And, welcome to the one thing in life over which you have absolutely no control. It may be the first time in your life that you have to lean on God completely. And that’s not all bad.

Could this Time Be God’s Challenge to You?

In the heart of any parenting struggle there is usually more that we can learn. For instance, could God want us to know Him more fully? Could we benefit from a different perspective and have a better understanding of how to help other kids or parents? Could this difficult time reveal areas of our lives that need to change?

The point is this. In God’s economy there is always a point to the pain. So allow God to use this time to move you along to a better place or to develop your own character.

Consider Psalm 139:23-24, “Search me oh God, and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in paths of righteousness.”

In addition, think about Matthew 7:4-5, “How can you say, ‘My friend, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you don’t see the log in your own eye? You’re nothing but show-offs! First, take the log out of your own eye. Then you can see how to take the speck out of your friend’s eye.”

Do you have something that needs attention in your own life at the same time as you seek help for your teen? If so, remember this… it could have lasting benefits that go far beyond this difficult period. You will learn to trust God in a very real way.

You will learn how to become a good listener — one who waits to be invited.
You will grow spiritually, become more self-controlled, slower to speak, slower to anger.
You will realize that God is still dependable, even when everything seems out of control.
You will learn the extent of God’s great love for you.
You will develop wisdom that is useful for the next generation in your family.
Other parents will benefit from watching you handle your struggle in the right way.
Out of desperation, you will stop faking your faith and make your dependence upon God real.

You see, the struggle is always partly about us, how we handle things and how we seek God’s help in the midst of the storm. It will challenge and sharpen our beliefs and help us confront our fear of losing control. Stated in another way, it will help build our faith and dependence on God’s every provision in our lives.

Aim Higher

Isn’t it somewhat comforting to know that God may have a bigger purpose in it all for both you and your teen? If you believe that, then don’t just focus on your teenager’s struggles at this time. Step in front of a mirror and look for areas in your own life that need to grow, and aim to make those changes with God’s help.

Take a moment right now to think about how God might be using your situation to reveal more about His character, and how that knowledge can help you in turn deal with your struggling teen.

The path of parenting a struggling teen isn’t an easy one, but there’s more than one reason for the struggle and I’m sure you don’t want to miss any lesson that God desires to have you learn from your circumstance. Hang in there; you’ll get through it, and so will your teen. And when “on the other side” of this bump in the road, you’ll see that God’s plan was much bigger than just eliminating the struggle.

My book, entitled When Your Teen is Struggling, is a great follow up to this article. It helps parents understand the process of “struggle” and gives insight into the heart of a teen who is. For more information, go to our website at http://www.heartlightministries.org/resources/.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR