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Never Give Up Parenting a Difficult Teen

If you’re dealing with a wayward teen, you know how relationally fatigued, emotionally beaten up, and personally worn down you can get. In fact, you may right now be thinking, “I’ve been pushing against this wall forever… I just can’t do it anymore.” But let me encourage you to never give up… keep parenting, even when the going with your troubled teen gets toughest.

I understand just how confusing and tiring it is. I’ve spent most of my life working with dozens of struggling teens at a time! So, here are a few ways I’ve learned to cope…

Overcome Worry and Find Peace

I have learned that in the midst of the worst storms with teenagers, peace is still possible, and peace can spread from you to your teen. It’s infectious! The first step to find peace is to shift from worrying to meditating on God, entrusting the problems — and your teenager — to Him.

Peace is the direct opposite of worry. The situation with your teen won’t improve when you worry. In fact, when worry takes control, it usually makes matters worse for everyone. So, where does the tendency to worry come from? Well, we know it doesn’t come from God. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Peace can grow in your heart when sitting in the presence of the Lord, “being still.” It is difficult to accomplish these days, as every minute seems to be filled with the hustle and bustle of 21st century life. However, when quality time with the Savior is given priority, peace can come amidst the turmoil.

“The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a mighty One who will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness;

He will quiet you by His love;

He will exult over you with loud singing.”

–Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)

Begin by spending a few minutes daily focusing on your relationship with God and reading His Word. It may mean changing your sleep schedule in order to wake up a little earlier, before everyone else. Or, it may mean you need to take regular breaks away from home to calm down, collect your thoughts and meet with God. You will come to know that God is able to quiet the worry in your heart with His love.

You might also visit someone who is a positive spiritual encouragement; attend a retreat to focus on God, or simply go on relaxing walks. When you do, avoid the distraction of electronic media, which can overpower what God may have to say to you. It is in those quieter moments, alone with God, that He can provide you with a new idea, a new approach for managing your problem with your teen, and a new perspective of resting in Him.

Seek Help with Change

If you could fix the problem with your teen yourself, you would have done so by now. After all, your best thinking has you where you are at this point, and it doesn’t appear to be working. So, it could be time to get some help from a pastor, a professional counselor, a medical doctor or a psychiatrist. Find a support group and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Try something different, and keep trying. It may even be that something within you or your spouse needs to change before you will see difference in your teen’s behavior. If so, be open to whatever change needs to take place.

Learn to Recognize Progress

It’s easy to be so overwhelmed by problems with your teen’s behavior that you fail to recognize any progress. Progress is not “problem solved.” Progress means steady improvement. So, if your child is screaming at you every day, and then only yells at you once every other day – then that’s progress! Finishing some of his homework, when he previously did no homework, is progress. Effective parenting requires that you look at the big picture while focusing on just a few problems at a time; then applauding any progress, no matter how small. Refuse to make your teen’s lack of a complete turnaround to be your constant disappointment. Turnarounds rarely happen overnight. Instead, applaud every step in the right direction, even if it is a small one.

Change is a personal matter for teens. They bristle at the thought that their parents or authorities are trying to “change them.” They may or may not be comfortable in their own skin, but they’ll fiercely defend who they are now and how they think. When they feel you are trying to “change them” you’ll have an even bigger battle on your hands. Instead, recognize progress when it happens, and shift the discussion from “changing them” to the specific things they can do to improve their own future.

Adjust Your Expectations

Huge expectations hardly help anybody. It is better to realize that parenting teens is more like a marathon amidst a minefield, than a sprint through a flower garden. Chances are high that your teen will not have a smooth run down the road of adolescence, and it is better to expect some difficulties and prepare for them.

I say this because most of the parents of the kids I help are great parents. The kids I deal with are also usually great kids; they’re just experiencing a blip on the radar screen of their life. Their spin-off into another realm has caught their parents by surprise, and they are at a loss to know what to do. I give them advice and help them know how to handle things, but most of all I say to them, “Don’t expect perfection, and don’t quit.”

Keep in Mind that Teen Problems are Usually Short-Lived

Teen problems usually have to do with hormones, immaturity, and brain development. They are fueled by struggles for independence, identity, and the testing of beliefs. But all of this is just a phase! That’s why, in the midst of the turmoil, you still need to stick with them, even if you don’t feel your teen deserves it. The goal during the battle is to keep your relationship with your teen alive. God doesn’t give up on us when we fail. He gives grace. Are you willing to give your teen the same grace?

Over time, your relationship with your child will change for the better, but only if you don’t quit on them. It is tempting to just give up and let them run (and ruin) their own life, but for the rest of your life, knowing you hung in there will be your rich reward. So decide right now, “I’ll never, ever quit.” And through it all, remember this; the wrong idea of God is that He is too great to care. The right idea of God is that He is too great to fail.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Why Teens Seek the Wrong Crowd

Does your teenager feel valued and significant in your home? If not, they’ll look for value and acceptance somewhere else. There are plenty of people who can make them feel valued, but mostly from the wrong crowd and with the wrong motives.

We parents do a ton of stuff for our kids, but what if they still don’t feel valued? Should we do even more, or less? Are we doing the right things, or all the wrong things? How can we best instill value in our teenagers? And why is that so important?

Think of it this way; there are four things you can offer your teenager to make them feel valued: your unconditional love, your experience, your time, and your wisdom. Each of these builds value. Being valued makes a teenager feel like they belong; they are accepted and they are therefore at peace with the world. Being valued builds their self-esteem and helps them have the confidence to say “No” to their peers. Being valued helps a teenager want to maintain their own sense of value and not accept anything less.

When I talk about ways to instill value, you’ll notice that I’ll never mention using “your money” or “your faith” to instill value. Material and spiritual things are needed and certainly valuable, but they don’t build the kind of value that only a parent’s attention and love can offer. They are, in fact, often used as crutches by parents not interested in instilling real value in their children. Nearly every teen that has come through our Heartlight counseling program has either been given an abundance of material goods or spiritual guidance in their lifetime, or both, but for some reason they didn’t feel valued by both of their birth parents, so they crashed in the teen years.

As children grow in independence, so does their desire to be valued as independent individuals. This desire may become so intense, they may violate their own values and destroy everything in their life in order to find it. They may even do unbelievably stupid or dangerous things to gain acceptance from their peers. If they feel neglected by their parents, or if they still have open emotional wounds from being abandoned or abused as a child, they will often seek to have their value validated outside of the family.

The point is this: Does your teenage child feel valued? If not, and if they lack true identity and significance as independent individuals in your family, you may lose them to the wrong crowd.

The Roles We Play

Parents tend to play different roles in helping their children find value. Moms instill a sense of value, and dads validate it. But dads can sometimes be lax in regard to discipline and hurt the mother’s ability to instill value. Things get all out of whack, because mom then needs to become the sole disciplinarian and enforcer — the bad guy — while dad becomes the good guy. It can hurt the mother’s relationships and her ability to instill value. And if dad is missing altogether, problems will usually follow. All children need their father’s blessing. When dad’s stamp of approval is not there, the child will look for validation somewhere else. This is especially true of teenage girls. They need their dad to meet that need for validation – something only he can really fulfill. And with 12- to 14-year-old girls, this need is greater than ever. But sadly, many dads get too busy or otherwise emotionally move away from their daughters at this time in their life.

I’ve seen many times where a dad thinks that he’s involved in the life of his daughter, but she feels something completely different.

Scripture tells us that God is like the mighty warrior, but He’s also the tender loving mother who plays with her child. Is God a man or a woman? Well, He’s both. He created us in His image and He created us male and female, so He encompasses both characteristics as He both instills and validates our value. But Christian parents can sometimes undermine the value God tries to instill in us by confusing it with constant messages of guilt and shame. A teen can begin feeling as though there is no way to please their parents (or God). But that’s not true Christianity. Jesus said, “Come to Me, you are weary and heavy laden.” He set the standard of offering forgiveness and grace while also holding up the standard of proper living.

If you’ve been focusing too much on discipline, day in and day out, I have an idea for you to try. Focus on discipline just three days a week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On the other days work hard to make your teen feel valued. Those are the days you tell your teen to “Come onto me.” Those are the days you offer grace and build them up. Don’t tell them you are doing this, or it will short circuit the whole idea, but this exercise can help to change your focus and that could be enough to make your teen feel more valued. And when they feel more valued, they’ll do less to exasperate you.

It reminds me of the speed traps police often put up. Some days they are out in full force and they really hammer the speeders with tickets. Then, other days it seems like you can’t find a police officer if your life depended on it. Though they are only seen in force periodically, it keeps the speeders in check throughout the week without it feeling like a police state. If your teen feels like your home is becoming a police state most of the time, perhaps it is time to back off some days and give them some breathing room. Focusing on the rules just a few days a week will keep them in check the rest of the week. And putting your attention on valuing them on the “off” days will ensure your teen feels valued even when they are making mistakes, so they’ll work harder to not make the same mistakes in the future.

Ways to Make Your Teen Feel Valued

Make sure there is structure and rules. Structure says, “You are the one I am concerned about… and I value you enough to work with you and love you through the times you step out of line.” Discipline is all about them, and even though no teen outwardly likes it, it says you value them enough to help them. When kids come to Heartlight and meet me, they really don’t like me at first. But eventually they come around to respect me because I don’t mince words or give them wiggle room on the rules, but I also strive to develop a relationship with them and avoid making them feel like heels when they do make a mistake. They understand that my goal is to help them, not badger or demean them. As a result, I can’t tell you how many calls I receive from kids who have graduated our program, and the college graduations, weddings and funerals I’ve attended or lead because these kids wanted me to remain in their life, even years later.

Ask questions and collaborate with them. When parents convey that what their teen has to say is important, it also conveys value. We parents share our opinions far too often in the teen years, because we don’t want our teens to make the same mistakes we did, but we need to back off and offer our wisdom only when they ask. And though we may be shocked or not like what they are saying, we need to listen to what they have to say anyway. They’re probably just thinking out loud, and doing so in their immature way. They may just be echoing what their friends said — not really buying into it themselves. But if you react too harshly, it can sometimes cement that idea in their mind and cause them to go that direction. So, be sure to talk with your teen and do so mostly with your eyes and ears, not your mouth.

Give grace. Grace is an act of kindness. It is offering them something that’s undeserved. It affirms them with a message that says, “I love you when you are doing well, but I will also love you when you aren’t.” I recommend that all parents memorize this key statement: “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more. And there is nothing you can do to make me love you any less.” Share it with your child on a regular basis. Post it on your refrigerator door, attach it to the bathroom mirror, write it in soap on the windshield of their car. You cannot deliver this message to your teen too often. And, they need to hear it every day.

Give of your time. If you are giving part of your valuable time to your teen, they’ll feel important and valued. In my counseling, the most often mentioned desire of teen girls is, “I want more time with my dad.” They want time together, even if they don’t act like they do. Whether you are a mom or a dad, take your teen to lunch, grab a snack after school, attend all games or school events, find things you can do together, and communicate with them online. Send daily text messages to say “Hi” or, “I love you.” Make sure your teen knows your desire to continue to be involved in his or her life. Do it, or they’ll seek validation from someone else, and that can lead to bigger problems than you ever want to have with your teen.

Even teenagers who are feeling totally valued by their parents will seek acceptance and value from their peers as well. If like chameleons, they begin looking more and more like their peers, this is why. But if Mom and Dad bristle against their teen’s change in dress or looks — something teens do to gain acceptance by their peers — they will lose out, because the teen will gravitate toward their peers instead. In fact, teens tend to be fiercely loyal to their friends — even ones they barely know — if they are receiving a sense of value from them or from being a part of that group. It’s kind of like the poles of a magnet. Once a parent turns on a teen in regard to their looks or their friends, the teen feels like they are being attacked and devalued personally, so the poles reverse and the teen is pushed away, toward their friends. Now, I’m not talking about accepting immodest dress or inappropriate talk or activities; and a parent shouldn’t feel obligated to keep their teen in the latest fashions. There are ethical and financial boundaries that need to be established. But every teen needs to feel like they can fit in with their peers and their culture, so parents would be wise to allow their teen to work for and spend their own money in regard to how they look and dress.

Here is the bottom line: It’s important for your teen to know that they needn’t look or act a specific way, or perform at a certain level in order to maintain your love. Your relationship with them won’t stop if they mess up, and your love will survive the tough times. Having a relationship that offers significance and value means remaining involved in their daily life and accepting their growing need for independence.

For all of us, value and security comes from knowing we are valued by God and our family. Your teen needs to sense that they “belong” and are valued regardless of what they do. Giving a sense of value is the most valuable gift you’ll ever give your children… and it’s free! So give it away, freely.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Parents of Teens Must Adapt

Trying to understand how to help your teen in a world that is constantly changing is like trying to hit a target that constantly moves. Just when your aim is right on target, things change — your kids change. Parents are often bewildered when trying to keep up with the always-changing world of teens. It’s like trying to get a drink of water from a fire hydrant, or holding a fistful of sand. Knowing how to set the right standards and enforce the right discipline can be overwhelming, and may seem impossible.

The key to success in this arena lies in learning to adapt your parenting style to be more fluid, more accessible.

As your child develops into a teen, you no longer have the luxury of making demands and expecting things to remain the same. Whether you like it or not, things change, and you must be able to understand and move with the culture, and set appropriate boundaries. I’m not saying you should stop caring about your family rules and beliefs. What I am saying is that how you enforce the rules must change. Otherwise, your child will be unprepared to cope with a culture that is constantly changing. They won’t develop healthy relationships. They will remain immature and irresponsible, because all of the decisions have always been made for them.

Change The Boundaries

Adapting your style must include learning how to set appropriate boundaries for their newly acquired behaviors, and giving them the choice for the direction they need to go.

A good example of how this works comes from the time I spend training horses. When I put a fence around a horse, I am setting up boundaries. The horse can go anywhere it likes within those fences. If a problem develops, I move the fences in a bit, and reinforce the boundaries. The same can be true with your teen. Set boundaries, and allow your teen to choose his direction within those boundaries. If a problem develops, or things change, move the boundaries in. Examine their world, and put some thought into what needs to be done. Kids today often engage with one another without really interacting or developing any kind of real relationships. The lack of interaction doesn’t help them hone their maturity or grow in their social skills. It’s your job to help them grow. So set the boundaries that help them do more than just engage with others – they need to learn how to interact. Let them choose the direction they want to go. Allow them to experience the consequences of choosing poorly. Help them to see that poor choices and crossing healthy boundaries will take their relationships in directions they don’t want to go, and choosing well will help them build good relationships.

Change Your Aim

Changing your parenting style for the teen years means you change your focus from punishment and discipline to training and character building.

The focus of the boundaries you set should become more about obedience, respect, and honesty, which are the top three qualities necessary to build relationships. Respect, more than anything else, allows all others to fall into their proper place. Conversely, disobedience, disrespect, and dishonesty destroy relationships, and need to be addressed when they appear also. Dishonesty, more than anything else, destroys trust in relationships. Hold your teen responsible for the direction they choose, and cause them to own it. They will make some mistakes, but that’s alright. If they lay the blame on you, however, remember to put the responsibility clearly back on them. Tell them, “this is not about me, or my mistakes, this is about you. I will never be a perfect parent, but if you don’t change things, this will hurt you in your relationships in the future.

Change Your Attitudes

Changing your style of parenting teens in order to meet the demands of today’s world also means that you refocus your own attitudes and behavior as well:

Move from lecturing to discussing
Move from entertaining to experiencing something together
Move from demanding everything, to asking them their ideas about everything
Move from seeking justice to giving grace
Move from seeing everything that’s wrong and finding more of what’s right
Move from spending time always telling them to more time listening
Move from giving your opinion to waiting until you are asked.

It is difficult for teens today to grow up and move on. They tend to like their immaturity, and don’t feel the need to grow in their responsibilities. Teaching them to grow and own their attitudes and choices is one of the most important character qualities we can help them develop. So, don’t just tell them they need to be responsible, or that they need to be mature. Instead, carefully identify what is going on in their world, and begin to set out boundaries that give them responsibility and cause them to act upon them. And when the next new thing comes along, learn to adjust the boundaries in ways that help them continue to recognize their need to be mature, responsible, and own up to the consequences of their choices.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR