God's plan Archives | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

Dealing with the Cards You’ve Been Dealt

At times, life can seem like a fixed card game. To your right is a neighbor who is holding pocket aces. Their family is like a Norman Rockwell painting, and they never seem to struggle. You, on the other hand? Your family is more like a reality TV show than a Rockwell painting. You look at your cards, and you feel like you’ve been dealt a crummy hand.

Wouldn’t it be nice to throw your bad cards away, and reshuffle the deck? It could be that the teenage years are throwing your home into a tailspin, and you’re tempted to just walk away. Or perhaps raising your child has been a battle, and you’re thinking about waving the white flag and giving up. I get it. Life is not fair. Sometimes the family members God has placed in our lives aren’t the folks we would have chosen ourselves. Why is it your kid who has the issues? Why is your family the one going through so many struggles?

Mom and dad; let me give you some encouragement. Though we cannot throw in our cards and reshuffle the deck, it’s possible to take what’s been handed to us and turn it into something beautiful, meaningful, and full of blessing.

Don’t Wriggle Away

I heard Chuck Swindoll say something about trials that has stuck with me throughout my years dealing with troubled teens. He said, “Everything that comes to you has first come through the hands of God.” Recognizing that God intimately knows whatever teen troubles or family issues you are facing will give you a different perspective on your situation. Your problems are not unfortunate coincidences; they are divine circumstances! That teen under your roof was placed there by God. She’s not an accident or a mistake. He’s there for a reason. When you experience conflict or hard times at home, don’t run away or retreat. Pray for more patience. Ask for wisdom. Let the Holy Spirit search your heart in case there are any logs in your own eye adding to the difficulties (Matthew 7:5).

When we try to escape trials by ignoring them, we are like kids who sleep with a textbook under their pillow before a test, hoping that answers will come to them through mental osmosis. But real life character tests don’t work that way. We have to work hard to know ourselves and our kids. And we also have to know how to gently, but firmly, handle conflict. Then, when the pressure is on, we will have the opportunity to grow and become better parents. It’s through difficult circumstances that we gain patience, grace, forgiveness, strength, and perseverance. So when the trials come, don’t wriggle away. Embrace them as opportunities to grow, knowing God is using hardship to change you.

Expect Bumpiness

C.S. Lewis once said, “I don’t doubt God’s desire to want the best for us—I just wonder how painful it’s going to be!” I have talked to countless parents who have come to my conferences or seminars, and told me, “I didn’t anticipate the trouble I would have with my child.” Because these moms and dads weren’t expecting trials, when difficulties came, they were taken off guard. If you’re the parent of a pre-teen or a teen; expect bumps! It will not be smooth sailing. As a teen gradually moves away from mom and dad and achieves a healthy independence, the movements often include unhealthy emotional shoving, jostling, elbowing, and some bumps and bruises. While it’s not pleasant, it’s a natural part of growing up.

If you are under the impression that your teen will not make mistakes, push your buttons, or try your patience, then you will be unpleasantly surprised when all of this eventually happens. Handling what has been handed to you means being ready for whatever comes your way.

Take the Long View

I love to water ski. Around the Heartlight campus in Texas are some of the best lakes in the country to carve the waves (as my kids would say). But if you’ve never waterskied before, here’s the trick. Never, ever, ever look at your feet. If you do, you’ll hit the water at 60 miles an hour, and skip across the surface like a rock. Instead, find a point in the distance, keep your focus there, and you’ll stay on your feet.

Raising a teenager is a little like water skiing. If you focus on where you are and not where you’re going, you’ll get caught off balance. In the present you may be discouraged thinking, “How will this ever get better? When will this turn around?” Caught up in the troubles of the here and now, you can lose sight of the future. And what’s the future? “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you [or your child, teenager, husband, wife, or any other person in your house] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

God is still at work. He hasn’t handed you this trial only to leave you hanging. The good work that He started, He promises to finish. Though you cannot see how God is going to get you through this problem now, or how He is going to turn it around, He can, and He will.

When what’s been handed to you starts to bring you down, look up. Get a glimpse of the future and know that years from now, you’ll look back and say, “Yes, God was working in that circumstance and in my kid the whole time.”

Work in Community

Trying to cope with parenting a teen all alone is hard, exhausting, and isolating. It can make you feel like you are the only one struggling. But that’s just not the case. There are moms and dads just like you in your church, at work, and in your PTA that are trying to deal with what’s been handed to them. They need support just as much as you do. God has put us in our communities so we can come alongside each other, encourage each another, and take comfort in the fact that we have similar problems and issues.

If you’re trying to deal with a troubled teen on your own, stop! Get together with other people in your church. Start a weekly gathering. Share your burdens with each other and find comfort among other believers. It’s a resource that God wants you to take full advantage of.

Your Child is Right For You

Trust me, there are times when I wonder whether at the hospital certain children got swapped and I took home the wrong kid! This can’t be my son or daughter who is making life so difficult! But here’s the truth. God hand-picked you for a reason. Of every mom and dad on the planet He chose you to parent your child. Your son or daughter needs you. And you need them. Through your teenager, God is molding and shaping you to be more like Christ.

Handling what’s been handed to you is no easy feat. I can’t know every struggle or trial that you are facing. But I do know that it’s possible not only to deal with each situation, but to allow it to be a blessing for you and your child. You can take that crummy hand and turn it into a winning combination.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

When Teens Shatter Your Dreams

In a recent discussion with Dr. Crabb, he shared the struggle he experienced with one of his own teens, and what he learned from going through that. Here are some of his key points and worthy of note.

Their Struggle Our Struggle

Dr. Crabb reminds us that sometimes God uses our own children to speak to us concerning something we need to change in our own life, or even to reveal that we have valued our child more than our relationship with our Maker.

Lesser Things and the Greater Good

In the midst of the struggle and heartache, never forget that nothing can separate us from God’s love and care. Stop “settling” for lesser things in life, and seek the greater good that God wants for us. If we could really see what God is up to, we’d be singing during those times of pain and tears, instead of just focusing on our own pain.

Suffering and Glory

God promises glory on the other side of this struggle if we will commit our way (and our teenager) to Him. We need to abandon our teenager to God’s care and allow Him to take some of the parenting load off our own shoulders.

Spiritual Companionship Will Help Us Survive

We should make known the struggle that is going on with our teen to a trusted companion. It is important to seek out a pastor, an elder, or a friend who is willing to come alongside us and literally pick us up off the floor, encourage us, and listen to how we hurt when our hearts have been broken by our teenager.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hope for Healing

Some time ago we remodeled our home. A project that was to last 6 months went on for nearly 30 months and the costs soared. Throughout the project we met workers that did a great job, but others who took advantage of us. They lied to us, conned us, made horrendous mistakes, broke promises, and caused much pain and hardship.

I asked a number of questions throughout the project… questions like: “Why in the world does this need to be done this way?” or “I thought we had planned for that?” and ultimately, “Why has something that was supposed to be so quick and easy, now become so drawn out and hard… will it ever end?” Sound familiar?

Maybe your relationship with your teenager feels like my home remodeling project. Perhaps what you thought would be a momentary struggle has turned into open wound that won’t heal. Maybe your plans for your teen are seemingly going awry, and they are lying, conning you, and making horrible mistakes. If so, I want to challenge you to a different perspective.

Conflict and Struggle With Your Teen Can Bring About Change

What’s that perspective? That conflict and struggle can bring about change. I know that statement is true in my life. And, I believe it can be true in yours. So, look for the positive purpose in the conflict you are having today.

Consider this… if you have ever prayed to be the parent God has called you to be, that’s just what He’s doing! This is a time of tremendous opportunity to build into your child’s life… trusting God to direct your path along the way. Now’s your chance to be used when you’re needed the most.

Don’t back off from the role that He’s called you to. Your understanding of your parenting role is necessary. Your willingness to hang in there during this tough time is perseverance at its best. Your commitment to be a part of God’s plan for your child, seen or unseen, is godly. Your love for your child when it isn’t so pretty is true love. Your knowledge that God is involved in your family is an anchor of hope that will keep you reflecting His love to your child.

And if you will keep the perspective that conflict can bring about change, there is genuine hope… hope that your child can get on the other side and that your relationship can be healed.

The Bigger Picture

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” So don’t give up. And keep a proper frame of mind.”

Galatians 6:9

When you begin to think about your child and what they’ve been involved in behaviorally, more times than not, it’s usually worse than what you think, but never quite as bad as you can imagine. But no matter what you think or what you imagine, there is nothing that can’t be overcome, and there is no relationship that can’t be restored… none.

Understand that what is happening right now in the life of your child and your family is not the whole story. The whole story is what God is up to… His “bigger picture” which entails a whole lot more people than you or your child. And the breadth of that picture is spread far beyond your timing.

I know that it’s hard to think about the bigger picture when you hurt for your child now. But there’s a lot more going on than your situation and your child’s behavior. It doesn’t mean your struggle is any less important, but it does help with keeping your situation in a proper framework. Use this difficult time as a prod to deepen your relationship with your child, and you’ll shorten the amount of time that your child remains in their darkness.

Finally, don’t panic and don’t try to “fix” your child. Fix the boundaries, fix the consequences, and maybe even change the environment, but you’ll never fix your child. Only God can change your child’s heart. Instead, focus on what you can fix in your parenting, and get out of God’s way to do what He needs to do.

Over the years I have found that parents usually get pretty scared when a child begins to struggle. Their fear is based on the realization that they may not be ready to tackle these new challenges. Some may “awfulize” the situation and make more of it than they should. Others may do nothing and hope the fire will extinguish itself. Or, it may be that they are just exhausted.

So, could this be a good time to place these things in God’s hands… into the hands of the one who promises that He will cause all things to work together for good? You bet it is! If you do, you will be on the pathway to restoration.

True Hope for Healing

The only true hope is that God is involved in what is going on with your child. Whether you see it or not isn’t going to change God’s plan for you or your child. So, if God is at work in the life of our child, we’d best understand what He’s doing. That understanding comes through prayer; prayer to understand His will and prayers of submission to God to do whatever He needs to do in your life and the life of your child to turn things around. The older I get, the more I understand that prayer is meant to help us get in line with and understand God’s perfect will, versus trying to influence or change it.

You and I know of God’s hand in the past… we know of it in the future… but our difficulty comes in believing in His involvement in what is happening today. So, pray. And keep a daily diary; it will help you maintain perspective. Look for ways that God is working in your teen’s life, and record those; being sure to thank Him as you see His hand at work.

Yes, there is hope…if you will hang in there with your child… trust God to fulfill His plan… keep a right perspective… and understand that there is indeed a path to restoration. Depend on His promises to remain true. God, the Creator, is fully capable to fashion a new life and a new relationship between you and your child… so allow Him to heal your relationship. He’ll amaze you, as he does me, as He creates abundant life and perfection out of dust and confusion.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR