fun Archives | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

Communication Hints with Your Teen

As a child moves from his elementary years into early adolescence, it’s essential that the style of communicating with your child change with them. They are moving from “concrete” thinking to “abstract” thought. What was “non-hormonal”, now becomes laced with hormones. Total dependence moves closer to independence. While they have always wanted to listen, now they want to express.

It’s important for parents to transition with their child, to change their style of communication rather than not talking at all. Sadly, if this transition is not accomplished, then the next time that communication or lack thereof, shows itself, is when your child begins to struggle or have difficulties, and desperately needs someone to talk to and with.

There is a scripture that has always stuck with me as one of those that accurately reflects the “condition of most teens”, and the “should-be role” of most parents. It’s when Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden (the condition of the teen’s part), and I will give you rest for your soul” (the parent’s part). The hope is that we, as parents, become that place of rest for our kids… a place where they might be restored.

Too many times parents become a place of added burden or hardship, or an extra “measure” of correction when correcting has already been done. Moms have the tendency to do the “Eveready bunny communication” that just keeps on going, and dads have that tendency to not “go to bat” and just ignore those situations when communication is needed the most. Moms, your over-correcting is not giving your child rest. And Dad, you’re not “speaking up” is not restoring anyone. The balance will be that place of rest, so work hard to find that medium of the “Mom and Dad mix”.

The time to build lines of communication is before there are problems, struggles and difficulties. The time to maintain these lines is always. Never stopping just because there is a conflict. Here’s an idea. Come to the dinner table, and instead of “laying down the law”, lay down some new rules. Not ones that dictate, but those that invite. Those rules might include that you (as the parent) want to have one-on-one time with your child and will be finding a special time each week to spend together. You might state that a new rule for your house is to go on a Mother-Daughter, or Father-Son special vacation each year, and do so as long as you’re alive, another might be a Joke Nite that gets everyone laughing…. just laughing… no spiritual lesson attached…. just pure time of worship called laughing.

A changing child asks for a change in the way they interact with their parents. Try some of the following tips, and see if they help in your communication:

Create a sense of Wonder. Instead of always telling your child the answers, leave them with a question. And remember, not every question has to be answered immediately. Give your child time to think, time to ponder, time to look for an answer using all that you have given them, and time to wonder. They will learn to think on their own, and begin to ask you questions as you model one who asks questions.
Wait to Be Invited. Hold off on the tendency to always share your opinion (Scripture says that a fool delights in airing his own opinion) and wait for your child to ask you what you think. Silence will move a child to ask “What do you think?” Don’t always enter the conversation unless invited. Remember that other Proverb, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house, or he will grow to hate you”. Wait to be invited.
Diffuse Difficult Discussions. Admit where you are wrong, and take the fuse out of the firecracker. Once you admit to that where you have wronged, that issue can no longer be held against you. Give it up. What have you got to loose? Whenever anyone admits to me of their fault, it moves my discussion with them to a place that doesn’t have to spend so much time proving who’s right and who’s wrong.
Consider Others to be More Important. Easy to say and tough to do, especially if you’re as selfish as I am. It’s basically putting them first, not me. And this should affect the way I speak to them, the way I discipline, the way I show grace and the way that I respond to them when I am disappointed and upset.

Over the last 40 years, I have met with thousands of families countless hours in desperate and difficult situations. One thing that I do know. There is hope. That more times than not, the difficult phases that a teen goes through are temporary, and “this too shall pass”. The struggle for most parents is remaining engaged during those difficult times. Don’t give up, for God promises to turn your ashes to beauty, your sorrow into joy, and your mourning into dancing. The God that has put His thumbprint on the life of your child still holds him (and you) in His palm.

Hey, here are a couple of questions that came in this past week that I wanted to be sure to answer. Hope my answers help.

Questions

Q – My teen is unruly and disrespectful. What is the most effective way to discipline without loosing control of the situation?

A – They are unruly and disrespectful for a reason, and their inappropriate behavior is usually behavior that is reflective of other things happening in their life. Ask questions to probe if there is something else going on. Their immaturity demands tighter boundaries, and their rebellion demands consequences. But first make sure of what it is causing the unruliness and disrespect (ask questions). Disrespect should not be allowed or tolerated and severe consequences should be levied against that child who chooses not to respect.

Q – Sometimes I get so angry at the choices my teen is making. How can I keep anger from controlling the way I discipline my teen?

A – The focus seems to be “your” anger… not your child’s. Anger is an emotional response to not getting what you want. It might do well to reflect what your child is doing that is not giving you what you want, and ask why it is so important that they do that. Doesn’t mean the reasoning is right or wrong, but does help in getting to the root of the anger. Don’t discipline out of your anger. Discipline for wanting something “for your child”, out of a longing to have them not go in the direction they are going for their benefit.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

What Your Teen Wants From You

Years ago, I listened to a man on the radio that I’ve been a fan of all my life, Chuck Swindoll. He stated in so many words, “What I want written on my epitaph is that ‘Dad was fun!'” Does that surprise you? It did me. I thought what every good Christian parent was supposed to want written on their epitaph was something to the affect of how godly or spiritual a person they were, or some thought about how they provided for the family. And here was one of the most godly men that I ever listened to sharing about how he wanted to be known forever as a “Dad of fun.”

So, what kind of parent do you want to be? Here are some good suggestions…

An Imperfect Parent and an Imperfect Person

When a parent admits their imperfection, it makes a teen feel a little more human, and not so messed up. There are times when parents share their imperfections a couple of things happen. First, teens are glad that you finally admit where you fall short, because they’ve seen it, and are just waiting for it to be acknowledged. Secondly, your admission gives them permission to not always have it together.

A young lady once told me that she sinfully felt pretty good when she heard of the divorce of two parents that we knew. Everyone thought this was a perfect family, with perfect kids, in a perfect home. She told me that when she heard that this particular mom and dad had gotten a divorce, that she felt a little better about her parent’s divorce, and didn’t feel as much as an outcast. I believe it is a message that scripture has been telling us for quite some time. “For all have sinned and fallen short…” (Romans 3:23 NIV).

As your child nears their teen years, begin to share with them some of your downfalls, hurts, losses, and mistakes. When they do the same, they will feel a sense that it is normal and they’re not weird, more sinful than others, or more of a mess than other people say they are.

A Loving Parent Who Doesn’t Have to Be Liked

Parenting adolescents is tough. It’s a time when you are challenged, confronted with your own inadequacies, and get worn out defending what and why you desire good things for your teens. And part of the toughness of parenting is knowing that some things you say, some opinions you share, rules you enforce, and consequences you enact, won’t be taken by your teen with a smile on their face and a warm “thank you”. But your teen, whether they admit it or not, like the fact that you’re thinking of their best interest when they would just as soon wish you wouldn’t.

Drill sergeants aren’t the most loved people in the world, but they’re the people you want next to you when your life is on the line. A coach is not always a friendly person, but teens are sure appreciative when they help capture a win. A counselor who shares some hard things with your teen isn’t very appreciated, until the teen realizes down the road that there was some wisdom in what that idiot said. A judge isn’t very appreciated until the “judged” gets on the other side of their sentence. A true friend goes through much hurt when they have to say some pretty truthful things to your teen, but faithful are those wounds. If you mix all these people together, you’ll get a parent of an adolescent who has pushed, pulled, counseled, administered justice, and told the truth. And chances are, they aren’t too liked during this time. But when teens realize the bigger picture, they’ll appreciate the role that these parents have played.

A Parent Who is Willing to Say “No”

Our generation of parents want so hard to say yes to everything a teen requests, that the foolishness of teens is determining the roles of mom and dad. On the heals of not having to be liked, I would tell you that it’s okay to say “No” a little more often than you do. When you say “No,” a teen learns that it’s okay to say the word “No.” They learn that it’s okay to stand up for what they believe. You’ll be thanked numerous times.

A Parent First, Then a Friend

Be a parent that is willing to exert some authority, and not be afraid to “put your foot down” when needed. Your teen needs a parent. And if you’re not going to be that parent, and just remain a friend, they’ll look for that role model elsewhere. And greater chances are that they’ll outgrow your friendship and move on to other friends. Anybody can have many friends, but everyone can only have one set of parents.

There seems to be a shift by many parents to a parenting style that accommodates a teen’s immaturity, and even enabling its furtherance at times. Many times, parents who are struggling with their teens look for ways to be their teen’s savior, rescuer, or lifeline, that come alongside their teen in hopes of showing them how much they love them, when in reality, it’s not love at all. Love would want the best for the teen, and many parent’s actions are far from the “best.” These parents usually accommodate a teen’s inappropriate behavior and thinking. While they may enjoy a facade of a relationship, most times it is only temporary because teens really want one who will do what’s best, not what just fills the time with accommodating recklessness.

A Parent Who Won’t Bend the Rules of Integrity and Deep in Character

This is the parent that won’t lie, won’t cheat, and will keep his word. It’s called integrity. And it’s this type of parent that most teens will cling to in their time of need. It is a parent of integrity that can be trusted because they have watching your actions and interactions with others.

The honor your teens give you is directly proportional to the integrity that you display in everyday life. This is the type of parent who teens lean on during tough times. And it is this parent that beckons to their children a message of “come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and you will not find judgment, condemnation, ridicule, shame; you will find “rest.” Rest because they know that you can be trusted, that you’ll do right, and that you’ll keep your promises.

A Parent Who is Fun

Oh, and one more thing. Like Chuck Swindoll recommends, have some fun! Loosen up a little. Laugh a little more. Be a little more impetuous and impulsive. Tell a joke. You might just connect with your teen on a deeper level than you would have ever guessed.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR