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When Your Teen is in the Wrong Crowd

If you swim with the sharks, you’re bound to get bit. One bad apple spoils the whole bushel. Bad company corrupts good character. Many parents have added these phrases to their lexicon, because they illustrate the dangers of running with the “wrong crowd”. As moms and dads, we know how susceptible kids are to peer influence. You’ve likely spent many sleepless nights worrying about the people your child is hanging around. What are they teaching my son? What are they pressuring my daughter to do? Are these friends that will give needed support and encouragement to my teen, or are they the type of people who will bring my child down?

These are valid concerns if you suspect your child is hanging out with the wrong crowd. But let’s pause for a moment and ask just who is the “wrong crowd?” Here’s a simple definition we can use: The “wrong crowd” includes anyone who influences your child in ways that are contradictory to your values, systems, and beliefs as parents.

When parents observe changes in their teen and note the actions and attitudes of their friends, they may arrive at the conclusion, “my teen is in league with some bad seeds.” When this happens, how do we gently guide our teens away from negative influences? My advice may not be what you might expect.

Teach Your Kids

As parents, part of our job is to protect our kids. We try to shield them from negative influences as much as possible. We’re not going to let our 12-year-old daughter hang around 18-year-old girls who smoke pot and sleep with their boyfriends. We have to shield our child’s innocence until they are mature enough to make wise decisions on their own. It would be foolish to let young children spend time with people who have serious hang-ups. But at some point, we must stop protecting our kids and start preparing them to make wise choices when choosing friends. If all we are doing is holding our kids back from this or that person, we are not equipping them to make smart decisions once they are free of our control.

While every child is different, here is a basic guideline for starting that relational training:

0–13 years old: Get to know and closely monitor your child’s friends. If your son or daughter is running with the wrong crowd this early, change schools, move houses, or pull your child from certain activities. At this age, they still need to have their innocence protected.
14–17 years old: Continue to monitor your child’s friends, but begin to slowly back off from controlling their relationships. If you have concerns about the people they are spending time with, talk with your kids about the problems you see. Also, set personal and family boundaries regarding the kind of behavior that is acceptable among friends and the kind that is not.
18+ years old: At this age, young people must be responsible for their own choices, including their choices in friends. If they are living with you, they must follow the rules of the house. But if they are on their own, all you can do is let them know you are available to talk and give advice if they ever feel they need it.

As you train your teen to use discernment when choosing friends, you can help them along by asking good questions. For instance, you can ask, “I’m curious; would you ever drink and drive? Do you know someone who has? Did they think it was a good idea? Do you?” Or you can ask, “Has anyone offered you drugs? What crossed your mind in that moment?” These types of questions are effective because they help your child articulate their values, beliefs, and convictions. And if they ever get into a situation similar to the one you have discussed, chances are they will remember, “Hey, I remember telling my mom (or dad) that I don’t believe in drinking and driving. I’m going to pass.” By asking good questions, you are helping your child build up those decision-making muscles that will serve them well, whether they have good friends or not.

Embrace the “Bad” Kids

We have welcomed more than 2,500 teens to the Heartlight campus over the years. All of the teens that walk through our doors would generally be included in what most people consider, the “wrong crowd.” But I love them all to death. Despite the numerous kids who have come through our program, I have yet to meet a “bad kid.” Now, I have met some strong-willed kids. I have helped teens with deep-seated problems and issues. But there isn’t one child who is beyond help. As moms and dads, we may spend a lot of time avoiding the “bad kids” and encouraging our children to do the same. But as Christians, we are called to minister to people in need. And who needs a helping hand more than a teen who is hurtling off the tracks at 90 miles an hour?

I remember taking a group of my Heartlight kids to church one Sunday. As our large group walked through the doors, I could feel the eyes turning in our direction and I could sense the shuffling in the seats. The congregants knew I was coming with teens who carried a lot of baggage. We sat in the back, and tried not to disrupt the service. But my heart broke when the pastor starting talking about a mission trip to Africa and their upcoming service to an orphanage in that part of the world. I felt like standing up and saying, “But there are kids RIGHT HERE who you need your compassion!” I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with mission trips to Africa. What I am saying is that there are kids who need to be the focus of our “mission” right here in all of our back yards.

Instead of running from the wrong crowd, let’s run towards them! Turn your home into a safe, loving, and fun place where teens can hang out and interact. Provide alternatives for your kids and their friends. Invite them to watch a ball game. Pack up enough supplies, and take a group fishing. Let them set up their band in your garage. Set aside a weekend, and go camping with your kids and their friends. In this way, not only will you be providing a healthy outlet for teens to have fun, but they will be under your watch and protection. Rather than cautioning your teen to side step the problem kids, take initiative and be the mentor, leader, or life coach they need.

Maybe your son or daughter has some friends with emotional, physical, or spiritual issues. To pull away from these kids may mean we are running from the mission field God has for us! The Proverbs 31 woman is a role model for all us. God’s Word says that “she opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy” (Proverbs 31:20). Are there hurting and needy kids in your teen’s circle of friends? Open up your arms, and embrace that “wrong crowd.”

Be The Change

When you began to read this article, you probably thought that I would offer some suggestions about how to avoid the wrong crowd. Maybe you are a bit surprised at my approach to this topic. But please hear me out; no matter where you go, where you live, or who you know—there will always be a “wrong crowd” to worry about. So rather than spend all your time playing defense trying to block the bad kids from your teens, start playing the offense. Start influencing the “bad kids” yourself. And teach your teen to do the same. In that way, you won’t avoid the wrong crowd, you will change them!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Some Common Questions About Teens

I lead seminars throughout the country and without fail, I get a number of similar questions that are always asked. Here are few that seem to always come up.

My son has been displaying a lot of anger toward us lately. Even the littlest thing seems to set him off. How can we find out what’s causing these outbursts and if it’s as serious as it seems?

Anger is an emotional response to not getting what one wants. And chances are your son feels frustrated about something that you are doing or saying. Young boys want to grow up and become young men, and that process is many times hampered by parents who don’t give freedom soon enough, allow choices to be made early, or treat their son like he “was” rather than who he wants “to be”. Giving more freedom and learning to nag less, gives a young man the opportunity to make choices thus assuming responsibility for his actions, thus develop maturity in the process. That anger you speak of will then be self-directed, motivating him to make better decisions in the future.

Another reason teen boys express frustration and anger about their position in life is that they don’t feel prepared to face the world in which they are to live. This happens when parents spend more time teaching and less time training as a child walks through their adolescent years. They know “what” to do; they just don’t know “how” to do it. So, moms and dads, spend more time giving your son opportunities to make decisions and choices so he can flex his decision-making muscle and be prepared when to handle the “heavier” stuff the older he gets.

Adolescence is a time when teens search for their identity and begin to apply all of who they are to their world. They find that some of their stuff works, and some doesn’t. Frustration increases as they experiment and learn to apply their knowledge to their world. As Alison Gopnick reminds us, “If you think of the teenage brain as a car, today’s adolescents acquire an accelerator a long time before they can steer or brake.”

So as they traverse the new teen highway and hit curbs, brake too quick, and accelerate way to fast, a few bumps in the road might make this new road a bit more challenging than the path of their earlier years. But as they make this transition, Moms and Dads can help them learn to make the drive a little smoother by not always correcting, telling them how they can do it better, and what they should have done different. No one likes a back seat driver. So buckle up and sit next to them and help them, not discourage them. They’re having a tough enough time already to have people they admire become critical.

My daughter has gotten into a rut regarding her friends. We are trying to get her involved with activities at church or school, but she always responds with “I don’t want to do it unless my friends are doing it.” I know relationships are important to teens, but how can we help her see that she can’t plan her life around her friends?

Friends are important to any teen and the desire to “belong” or “fit in” are strong motivating factors, more so when they are younger than older. And if you have a daughter that is more of a follower than a leader, you’ll find that you’ll have more of a chance to get her involved in activities by encouraging and enticing her participation through rewards and enticements. It’s saying, “if you will do “this”, we will do “this” to make it worth your while. In time, their involvement in these activities you’ve “encouraged” them to participate in will teach them of their ability to develop new friends, thus eliminating the “friend factor” in planning their activities.

Here’s the transition we have to make about our teen’s desire to be more concerned about their friends than about most other things. While we don’t want them to plan her life around friends, teens do. It’s a fact. They’re trying to find their place and create some protection around them through their wall of relationships. Friends are important. And they’re more important to our teens today than ever before because of the vast “disconnect” happening among adolescents. Teens today spend more time in the shallow end of the “relationships pool” than the deep end. So in the shallow end of that pool, teens will have more people surrounding them, in hopes of finding like-minded peers who will venture into the deeper end of spectrum.

So help them in their adolescent journey. Help them socialize and develop more and more social collateral so that these friends can go deeper and sharpen your child, just as iron sharpens iron. They need relationships around them who will help them get to the “deep end of the pool”. So help them and don’t restrict them so much that they will never have the opportunity to put into practice the way you’ve taught them to swim.

My son seems reluctant to try new things. Sometimes, I wonder if he’s just being lazy and doesn’t want to bother himself with getting outside his comfortable “bubble.” But I also wonder if he’s suffering from low self-esteem and a fear of failure. How can I know what’s going on with him and help him gain the confidence to branch out?

It’s sometimes hard to motivate a teen once they’ve found their “comfort zone” and I’m sure that laziness, low self-esteem, and the fear of failure all come to play in trying to get them to move elsewhere. Have a heart-to-heart talk about how you desire to do something together with him. Find something you both like to do and make it a habit to do it together, even requiring it if needed, and encouraging his participation with reward. Discussions are best with young men side-by-side, rather than face-to-face. When you do something together, then have the discussions you desire to teach him about the need to always live life outside one’s comfort zone.

What kid wouldn’t want to “stay put” when faced with a culture that you and I have said, “We’re glad we don’t have to grow up in this culture!” Well they do. So when you see these signs of not being motivated to move into new arenas of social interaction, you might have to help make it happen… in a gentle way. It may mean that you have to eliminate some of those comforts at home to help push them out of the nest, but I would encourage you do so in a way that helps your child make the transition into their new world.

Be intentional about engaging about the deeper things in his life by learning to ask questions and giving him opportunity to respond. And when he does respond, don’t share your opinion unless he asks. Remember, he’s not wanting more information… he’s wanting wisdom. And he’s wanting it from you. Help him understand this world and be the one that he can come to when he finds frustration entering into it. Fear keeps most teens from venturing to places they want to go. So be that parent that helps them get there; not one that ridicules them for not trying.

If you have questions that you’d like for me to answer, please send them our way.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Really Connecting with Your Teen

#___ – Student Story: Lindsey

with host Mark Gregston

When the kids were little, they loved doing everything with mom and dad. But now that they’re older, they’d rather spend their time with their friends. How can parents stay connected to their teens? Today on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston suggests three ways to help parents connect with their teens on a deeper level.

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