freedom Archives | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

Fear of Failure vs. Freedom to Learn

by Mark Gregston

February 28th, 2020

Somewhere in North Wales, there is an acre-sized play mecca for children called, The Land. It’s not neat, not organized …and not really all that safe. Among other odd sundry items, the playground consists of old tires, discarded mattresses, a faded plastic boat, wooden pallets, and a frayed rope hanging from a tree over a river. Fires are started by boys in an old tin drum. Because, as everyone knows, boys love starting fires. And with the exception of a barely visible playground worker, it’s strictly “No adults allowed.”

It reminds me of my own childhood. This was an era where adults were “there” if you needed them, but they didn’t hover over or hurry their children into premature adulthood. It was a time when kids were free to face what appeared to them to be “dangerous risks,” allowing them to conquer these obstacles alone. This type of unstructured, self-discovery play was an essential rite of passage that built both self-confidence and courage in children.

Sure, today in America, we understandably want to protect our children from danger. But sometimes I wonder if we’ve gone too far to protect our kids from even the hint of risk. Failure to supervise has become, in fact, synonymous with failure to parent.

Yet many experts now believe that this over attention to “safety” has resulted not only in the ubiquitous government-regulated, sterile pre-fab playgrounds—but also in parents becoming hyper “regulatory” in other arenas of a child’s life. As a result, studies show that today’s children are less creative, less able to think for themselves, less able to connect seemingly unrelated ideas, and … less courageous. In other words, more risk averse.

The Thrill is Gone

And that’s lamentable, because growing up should be a thrilling experience—filled with lots of risk taking! The truth is, parents cause their children harm if they don’t create a family atmosphere that allows for mistakes. As Mark Twain said, “There are no mistakes in life; there are only lessons to be learned.” Yet under the banner of “good parenting,” many parents are just simply overprotective. In the process, they are isolating their kids, denying them the opportunity to fail, suppressing their teens’ desire to make decisions, beating down their spirit if they make a mistake, and withholding opportunities for learning. When we allow our children to take risks—by allowing them to explore the world on their own against the backdrop of the Biblical values we instill in them early on——it makes them far less risk averse. In other words, far less fearful. As actor John Wayne once said, “Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.”

I’m not saying that you throw your children into the deep end of the pool (metaphorically speaking) and, yell, “Swim!” to teach them to keep their heads above water. I am saying you start in the shallow end and gradually let them go farther out as they show responsibility, maturity, and wisdom. Will they go under at times? Yes. Will they go too far at times? Yes. That’s where you come in. Just like the designated “playground worker” at The Land, you’re always nearby, watching for impending accidents, but otherwise letting the children figure out lessons about life on their own.

It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Growing into adulthood should be a gradual process— not a sprint to the finish line. Many parents today are concerned that their children are growing up too fast. But I wouldn’t exactly call it “growing up.” It’s more like they’ve become adept at mimicking the look and habits of adulthood. In times past, children gradually took on adult responsibilities … year by year. As Roger Hart, a university professor whose groundbreaking research into how children play resulted in a BBC documentary, said, “Their pride was wrapped up in competence and independence, which grew as they tried and mastered activities they hadn’t known how to do the previous year. But these days, many children skip these milestones. They spend a lot of time in the company of adults, so they can talk and think like them, but they never build up the confidence to be truly independent and self-reliant.”

So what does gradually transferring responsibility to your child look like … practically? Here are a few helpful guidelines. When your tween beings turning into a teen, start flavoring your conversations with comments and questions that transfer you making decisions and placing responsibility on them. You can say things like:

“Where do you want to go to eat tonight?”
What do you think you ought to do?”
“I’ll stand with you, but I won’t bail you out of this one.”

I’m talking about helping a child make decisions at an early age where they learn to choose between a Big Mac and a tofu burger … all the way up to choosing the college they’ll attend and the person they’ll marry. In between those two points are plenty of opportunities to exercise that decision-making muscle. So, let them make as many decisions as possible.

The Shame Game

And they will make mistakes. Sometimes small scrapes … sometimes big boo-boos. Some of them will even embarrass you as a parent; however, when your kids do make mistakes, here’s what you don’t want to do: play the “shame game.” When you shame them for their mistakes, it can cause them to shut down, make them explosive in their response (shame upon shame), or worse, make them shut you out. At all costs, avoid using derisive comments like:

“I told you so.”
“You should have listened.”
I hope you learned your lesson!”

Your kids already know they made a mistake. Think of it this way. You wouldn’t like it if every time you screwed up (and we certainly know it when we do), God wagged his finger at you, and said, “What is wrong with you … why can’t you ever learn?!” The Bible tells us that “It’s the goodness of God that leads us to repentance” … not the harshness.

The key to having your children actually learn from their mistakes is to allow the consequences of their poor choices to have a full impact. Just keep your cool. You’ll appear Yoda-like and your child will be like Luke Skywalker … ultimately respecting you for allowing him to learn a lesson from the mistake. “As Proverbs 17:28 says, “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise ….” Trust me, this will strengthen your relationship. The reward will be your child coming back at you with comments like:

“You were right, Dad.”
“I should have listened, Mom.”
“I’ll never do that again.”

Risk Has Its Rewards

These are all comments that reveal a child is learning. She’s practicing what she’s been taught because she was given the freedom to try. And it’s in those attempts, that her character—the essence of who she will become—is formed. If you don’t allow her to fail, you’ll share the same lament as one parent I read about who said, “ Above all else, we taught our daughter to fear failure. And that fear is what destroyed her love of learning.”

I find that sad, because isn’t learning what life is all about? As Ellen Sandseter, a professor of early-childhood education at Queen Maud University College in Norway noted, “Children have a sensory need to taste danger and excitement; this doesn’t mean that what they do has to actually be dangerous, only that they feel they are taking a great risk. That scares them, but then they learn to overcome the fear.”

So, give your children the gift of allowing them to take risks. In so doing, you’ll greatly increase their chances of becoming confident, imaginative, emphatic and resilient teens that are ready to take on the world head on. And believe me, the world is waiting for people like that!

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40+ years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy. His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 3,000 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents.

You can find out more about Heartlight at www.HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our Parenting Today’s Teens website at www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org. It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. There you will also find a station near you where you can listen to the Parenting Today’s Teens radio broadcast, or download the podcast of the most recent programs.

Teens and Self Control

Parenting teens is not just about caring for their physical and educational needs. It’s also about training your teen to handle what life will later dish out, with body and soul intact. It’s about teaching self-control.

After all, your child will spend 80% of his lifetime away from you. So, you need to ask yourself this question: “Am I willing to relinquish control to my teenager before he leaves home in order to help him learn how to act and become the one God desires him to be?”

Teens gradually need to get their feet wet in decision-making, since one day soon they will be fully in control of their own life and self-control will be paramount. Your main goal, then, should be about preparation for making good life decisions. It’s more than teaching how to handle the finances, or how to pick the best classes, or driving responsibly. It’s about training them to be godly men or women and developing their character.

“But,” you say, “My teenager is too immature and irresponsible. He’s not capable of handling much right now.” You might be thinking that it would be better to wait until your teen begins to show some slightest signs of responsibility before you begin to trust him with more. But if you wait to see your child behaving responsibly, you may never hand over control. They may fail at first, and that’s OK. They need to know that failure is a part of life. This begins the important process of teaching responsibility and maturity.

Independence, But With Limits!

There is one big mistake some parents make when they turn over control to their teen, and that’s where problems can arise. Some parents go too far, too fast. They totally back off and don’t set proper limits for their teenager. I see this happen most often in the life of a child whose parents divorce, who feel guilty for what they put their child through. Other parents just want to be friends with their children and they throw out their parental role. Children raised by such parents often become selfish, demanding, independent, and aggressively controlling as adults. Kids need their parents to be parents, not their “peerants.”

It’s been my experience that a teen wants limits, even though they may balk at them. We all live with limits, don’t we? Clearly defined limits give a teenager security and direction, like being limited to driving on the right side of the road to avoid a crash. If you don’t provide limits in which to frame their decisions, they will feel unprepared for their new freedom and become confused and frustrated. Limits you set should line up with the law, your closely held beliefs and your teen’s maturity.

Once your teen demonstrates that he can handle the first baby steps of freedom, expand that freedom to a new level. Determine if the limits also need to be adjusted or kept the same. Teenagers will become impatient with the step-by-step process, and there may be a need to back up to a previous level of freedom if the limits are not adhered to, but this is a necessary process to move them on to maturity.

Teaching Self-Control

Your child needs to go through a process of learning self-control, which means to not be controlled by hormones, other things, or his peers. Here are some ways to begin the process of teaching your child self-control:

A good place to start is with asking lots of questions. Ask your teen questions about moral issues, and wait for their answer without giving your opinion. “How do you think that person felt about being treated that way? What do you think would be the best thing to do in this situation? What would you do if you were asked to have sex, steal or take drugs? Tell me what you think about…? Allow your teen to come up with his own answer without injecting yours. Don’t use it as an opportunity to lecture or teach. Let them realize the fullness of their answer by hearing their own words. Their answer will often be immature or even irresponsible, but that answer will echo in their mind and begin them thinking about the issue and how they would really act if that situation were to arise.
Put limits around their decisions to cause them to be more responsible. Once you’ve given them more freedom, allow them to make their own decisions within that area of freedom, good or bad. For example, if you allow them use of the car and give them gas money, and if they instead spend the money on concert tickets, then they will have to figure out another way to get around. Don’t just give them more gas money. Let them walk, if necessary, to show the foolishness and reality of spending money unwisely. Once they have to walk, they’ll never make that foolish decision again. Or, if they use the car outside of designated hours, they lose that privilege for a time.
Set your boundaries, make them clear, and enforce them if they are broken. For example, if you see your teen watching an inappropriate movie, something that is out of bounds in your home, ask him – “Is this an appropriate movie for you to be watching?” Allow him the opportunity to respond as he should, by turning the movie off. Let him come to the right decision on his own. If his immaturity causes him to not respond as he should, then move in and make the decision to change the channel or turn the TV off yourself. Then reinforce the rule with consequences the next time the rule is broken, such as loss of the freedom to watch television for a time. If the rule is consistently broken, then remove the TV from the home altogether. It will be an inconvenience for you, but it shows your teen how passionately you feel about the issue of watching inappropriate material on television.
Encourage your child in their good decisions, and point your comments toward their successes, not their failures. Don’t say, “I told you so,” or, “I should have made that decision instead of you,” when they make a mistake. Instead, patiently allow them the opportunity to make the right choice and look for progress. Whenever you see your child respond with maturity and responsibility, congratulate them and explain that because they made a good choice you are now moving them up to a new level of freedom. Keep in mind that instant feedback is always best.
Randomly offer examples of good decisions in your own life. While teens will respond to your own stories as examples out of the dark ages, revealing your own good decisions at key moments in your life will come back to them when they have the opportunity to make similar decisions. They will give the teen fuel and courage to make a similar decision in a similar situation. And they will also offer something to think about if the teen makes a different decision. Developing a portfolio of good decisions (both by you and others that the teen may admire) and injecting them in conversations randomly (not to make a point when the teen does something wrong) is a good way to teach your teen self-control by example.

My advice today for parents of teenagers is to begin to shift control to your child before you think they will need it. Give them the opportunity to show what they can handle asking them to do so, and don’t bail them out or condemn them if they fail. Give them the chance to figure it out, learn from consequences, and find a better way for the next time they are faced with the same decision. Giving teenagers increasing levels of independence, coupled with proper limits and parental guidance, will begin to teach them the most important type of control, self-control.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Teens and Self-Control

Independence, But With Limits!

Teaching Self-Control

A good place to start is with asking lots of questions. Ask your teen questions about moral issues, and wait for their answer without giving your opinion. “How do you think that person felt about being treated that way? What do you think would be the best thing to do in this situation? What would you do if you were asked to have sex, steal or take drugs? Tell me what you think about…? Allow your teen to come up with his own answer without injecting yours. Don’t use it as an opportunity to lecture or teach. Let them realize the fullness of their answer by hearing their own words. Their answer will often be immature or even irresponsible, but that answer will echo in their mind and begin them thinking about the issue and how they would really act if that situation were to arise.

Put limits around their decisions to cause them to be more responsible. Once you’ve given them more freedom, allow them to make their own decisions within that area of freedom, good or bad. For example, if you allow them use of the car and give them gas money, and if they instead spend the money on concert tickets, then they will have to figure out another way to get around. Don’t just give them more gas money. Let them walk, if necessary, to show the foolishness and reality of spending money unwisely. Once they have to walk, they’ll never make that foolish decision again. Or, if they use the car outside of designated hours, they lose that privilege for a time.

Set your boundaries, make them clear, and enforce them if they are broken. For example, if you see your teen watching an inappropriate movie, something that is out of bounds in your home, ask him – “Is this an appropriate movie for you to be watching?” Allow him the opportunity to respond as he should, by turning the movie off. Let him come to the right decision on his own. If his immaturity causes him to not respond as he should, then move in and make the decision to change the channel or turn the TV off yourself. Then reinforce the rule with consequences the next time the rule is broken, such as loss of the freedom to watch television for a time. If the rule is consistently broken, then remove the TV from the home altogether. It will be an inconvenience for you, but it shows your teen how passionately you feel about the issue of watching inappropriate material on television.

Encourage your child in their good decisions, and point your comments toward their successes, not their failures. Don’t say, “I told you so,” or, “I should have made that decision instead of you,” when they make a mistake. Instead, patiently allow them the opportunity to make the right choice and look for progress. Whenever you see your child respond with maturity and responsibility, congratulate them and explain that because they made a good choice you are now moving them up to a new level of freedom. Keep in mind that instant feedback is always best.

Randomly offer examples of good decisions in your own life. While teens will respond to your own stories as examples out of the dark ages, revealing your own good decisions at key moments in your life will come back to them when they have the opportunity to make similar decisions. They will give the teen fuel and courage to make a similar decision in a similar situation. And they will also offer something to think about if the teen makes a different decision. Developing a portfolio of good decisions (both by you and others that the teen may admire) and injecting them in conversations randomly (not to make a point when the teen does something wrong) is a good way to teach your teen self-control by example.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR