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Smartphone Apps to Watch Out For

Smartphone Apps to Watch Out For Confession time; I love my smart phone. I check my e-mail, read books, listen to music, store my photos, and navigate directions. I can also use this handy device to talk to people, but that is almost a secondary function on this type of phone. The technology in this tool can be wonderfully useful. With all the information and functionality at our fingertips, we live in a world far different than the one we grew up in.

This brave new world is one our kids are now navigating with a natural proficiency you and I will have to work hard to match. It’s an environment of new technology and innovation that seems to change and evolve every other day. Many parents feel unequipped to even try to understand this new world. They are sort of “digital immigrants” entering a strange new frontier. But our teens are embracing it with open arms. According to a recent Pew Internet study, 3 out of every 4 teenagers own their own cell phone. That’s incredible, considering that only a few years ago pagers were all the rage! With the explosion of cell phone use, smartphone applications, or “apps” have also taken off. Whether it’s Apple or Google, every cell phone provider has an online store, where you can peruse thousands upon thousands of applications that can be downloaded right onto your phone. These handy icons on your phone allow you to do everything from edit photos, to order a pizza, to turning your phone into a flashlight! Some novelty apps are free. Other more powerful apps can cost you quite a bit of money.

You might feel a little lost navigating a digital world, where everyday hundreds of new apps are available for download. However, parents must immerse themselves in this digital world and be aware of what’s out there, because some seemingly harmless apps have the potential to be dangerous. Let me highlight a few new ones.

SNAPCHAT

This app allows users to send photos and videos from their phone that disappear after 10 seconds once they are received. No longer are images and information living on in perpetuity. The idea is that once the intended receiver gets your photo, it’s gone in a flash. However, this has made many young people feel safe sending inappropriate photos and videos, believing that what they are forwarding won’t live in the cyber world. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Even when you use Snapchat, material can be saved. If you see this app on your teens phone, let them know that everything they send can be monitored.

KIK

Kik is an instant messaging service that allows users to send messages and photos with relative anonymity. Because it’s a third-party service, contacts and messages are not recorded by your phone’s provider like they would be if you were using the regular IM service. Kik is a popular messaging service with tweens and teens, with over 80 million users. But the danger is that this app allows people to chat with your teen anonymously, and messages go unrecorded. So talk to your son or daughter about the dangers of anonymous chats, and explain what subjects and topics are inappropriate to talk about with others. Set boundaries for this type of social media, and explain the risks involved with using an app like Kik.

ASK.FM.

Ask.fm is an app that allows users to ask tough questions or share secrets anonymously. There are over 65 million users of Ask.fm, and it’s only gaining in popularity. However, the open forum environment has caused this app to be open to cyber-bullying. Currently, five teen suicides have been linked to harassing comments or questions left on Ask.Fm. So why are kids flocking to this app? Sameer Hinduja, a criminology professor at Florida Atlantic University, says part of the appeal of apps like Ask.Fm is the need for affirmation. “You need to be validated when you’re a teenager because you are wondering if you’re turning out OK, and so these sites completely meet that need. It’s like, ‘this is so great. Someone asked me a question. Someone took the time to visit my profile and like my picture and leave a comment.’”

VINE

This can be a fun app that allows users to create silly, 6-second videos that run on a loop. Like Youtube for people with A.D.D. It could be a short video of a skateboard crash, or a friend eating an ice-cream cone. While this app is intended for innocent fun, there is a ton of inappropriate material out there on Vine, both sexual and violent. Some disturbing videos have included animal cruelty, cyber-bullying, and kids being recorded unawares. Vine is currently putting heavy filters on what can be uploaded, but teens are still being exposed to harmful material on this app.

TINDER

Tinder is an online dating app for tweens and teens. I know, I know; it’s already inappropriate that there would be a dating service for kids! However, young people are attracted to this app because of the positive reinforcement they receive. Tinder is designed to only match kids with other people who like them back, which is flattering and affirming. However, because matches are limited to a geographic area and can be seen by anyone, there can be instances where your teen is connecting with someone close by who is definitely not a teen. Tinder is one of the few apps I would counsel parents to restrict from their child’s phone.

INSTAGRAM

Instagram is not a new app. Its reign as “selfie central” is long-standing. On Instagram, users can post pictures of just about everything; what they are wearing, eating, visiting, doing. Sometimes it’s just a picture of them! Part of the appeal is that the app offers some cool filters that make photos look creative and artistic. Like Twitter, you can follow a person’s Instagram profile, and see all the pictures they are posting. Celebrities are constantly posting material, and it’s been a real draw for people to become a follower and see what certain movie stars or musicians are doing. While there are restrictions about content posted on Instagram, some inappropriate images still get through. But the real concern here is “who is looking at pictures of your child?” I caution parents to change the security filters on their child’s Instagram profile from “everyone” to something more restrictive. Also, a consistent need to post pictures of their life may entice your son or daughter into an unhealthy narcissistic mentality. Monitor your teen’s Instagram profile, and curb their activity if you feel it’s getting out of hand.

Maybe you’re feeling a little overwhelmed and wondering if you should just take your teen’s phone and hand it back when he or she turns 35. These warnings are not meant to scare you, but rather to inform you and make you better prepared to protect your children. Cell phones are wonderful tools for teens and adults alike. But as moms and dads, we need to guide our teens in making smart choices about their smart phones. And yes, that may mean checking your child’s cellular device once a week and seeing what new apps are on there. It’s not snooping. It’s wise parenting! If there is an app that’s unfamiliar, take the time to check it out. It’s time we stop being “digital immigrants” and start living like well-informed residents of this technology filled world.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 39 years, has two kids, and 4 grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, 2 llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy. His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with over 2,500 teens, has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents.

You can find out more about Heartlight at www.HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our Parenting Today’s Teens website at www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org, It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Here you will also find a station near you where you can listen to the Parenting Today’s Teens radio broadcast, or download the podcast of the most recent programs.

Maybe It’s Time to Shut-Up

Maybe It’s Time to Shut-Up There is nothing so demeaning as assuming your child can’t think for himself. There is nothing so disrespectful as throwing your child’s mistakes back in his face and condemning him. Keep in mind that I am referring to teenagers here, not your 2-year-old.

So, here is my advice…until you have a better understanding of how to handle it – JUST SHUT UP! I say that with a smile on my face but with the intent of getting across a message that is rolling around in your teen’s head when the discussion stops and the lecture begins.

Growing up, I was told I was never to say, “Shut Up” all the while hearing that I needed to “shut your pie hole” and “put a sock in it.” I understand this method of asking someone to “tone it down” may be a little brash, but I don’t want anyone to mistake the intent of the message. Sometimes its very difficult for parents to learn to “nip it” and “stop!”, but all so necessary if you want to maintain a great relationship with your teen who is now in more need of someone who will listen, than someone just to throw more information his or her way.

“Even a fool when he keeps silent is considered wise.” Proverbs 17:28

If you invited your teenager to come hear your lecture about his life’s mistakes, how do you think he would respond? Do you think he’d show up? If he did show up, would he feel great about it when you’re finished?

“Sure Mom, I’d love to hear you drone on and on…I like being lectured, warned, and criticized about absolutely everything.”

OF COURSE NOT!

Yet, that is exactly what your child may be feeling about the way you communicate with him or her.

So, I encourage you to take the “Shut-up Challenge”…

I’m not trying to be rude in saying “shut up” (it is a no-no in some households) but I am dead-serious. Just shut up for 24 hours and see if it makes a difference in your home! In case I haven’t made myself clear enough, that means, be quiet, stay silent, zip it, don’t speak.

Try it for a day, and watch what happens. When your teenager drops a “jewel” on you and says something you feel needs “correcting,” just be quiet. Don’t flip out, argue, or try make it right. Just let it go. Stop lecturing, start listening.

You may be surprised to find that:

1. You can’t do it! You just can’t keep quiet. You are not a good listener, and that listening to your child is an area you need to grow in.

2. Your child has a mind of his own, and is fully able to use it without constantly pointing him in the direction you think he needs to go.

3. Your child wants to talk to you more when you don’t verbally beat him down every opportunity you get.

4. Your child has ideas of his own that are different from yours, perhaps he doesn’t want what you want, and you need to change your mind about some things.

5. Your child may learn the important lessons in one teachable moment, and you don’t need all that other verbal garbage to make your point.

“But Mark,” you say, “I can’t teach my child what he needs to know by being quiet!”

Yes you can – you can, and most of the time you should, because most of the time, your teen isn’t saying anything earth-shattering or profound….he is just processing what’s happening in his world. Not every teachable moment needs to be one. Because of the way that kids receive information today, and by the mere numbers of sources of their information, they are told when they’re wrong, how they’re wrong, why they’re wrong, how they can do it better, and ways to get from getting it wrong in the future. So when they come home and are corrected, told how to do something better, or encouraged to do something different, they shut Mom and Dad down.

Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t correct your child. I am asking that you become aware of what too much correction does to you child. I pushes him away. It causes your daughter to “shut down”. So be wise and quick to listen, and slow to speak.

For those times you need to address an “issue” I recommend trying a different approach. Instead of making your point, try asking a question. Not a rhetorical question either – that’s just back-alley lecturing. Asking the right question may help him arrive at the right answer in a way that engages his thinking process and system of beliefs. You may be surprised to find he comes to the right conclusion all on his own.

For example:

I never thought of it that way, what makes you think so?

What do you think will happen if…?

Success in the “Shut-up Challenge” means you create a space in your relationship with your child by taking a verbal step backwards. This will allow your child to move toward you. Give your child room to ask some questions of his own and come to his own conclusions.

Instead of always pushing to lead the discussion, or to turn it into a one-way lecture, you might just be invited by your teen to participate in the best two-way discussion you’ve ever had.

Try it out. I’d love to hear how your teen responds.

About the Author

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 39 years, has two kids, and 4 grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, 2 llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy. His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with over 2,500 teens, has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents.

Visit www.HeartlightMinistries.org to find out more about the residential counseling center for teens, or call Heartlight directly at 903. 668.2173. For more information and helpful other resources for moms and dads, visit www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org, It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Here you will also find a station near you where you can listen to the Parenting Today’s Teens radio broadcast, or download the podcast of the most recent programs.

Connecting with Your Teen

Connecting with Your Teen Every parent of a teenager wants to build a strong line of communication with his or her teen. But sadly, the opposite is most often true. I’d like to share with you some simple tips to improve your communications with your teen.

You may wonder what the best timing is for building good lines of communication with your teen or pre-teen. That’s simple. Do it NOW, before problems, struggles and difficulties begin. And never stop working at it, even when there is conflict.

As your children move from the elementary years into early adolescence, it’s essential that you adapt your style of communication to the changes taking place with your child. What was non-hormonal now becomes laced with hormones. Total dependence moves closer to independence, and that affects how your teen interacts with you. Unless you change with them, there will be conflict and broken communications.

There is a scripture that I believe accurately reflects the condition of most teens, and the “should-be” role of most parents. It’s when Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden (the condition of the teens part), and I will give you rest for your soul” (the parent’s part).

The hope is that we, as parents, become that place of rest for our kids a place where they might be restored.

Too many times parents become a place of added burden or hardship, or an extra “measure” of correction, when correcting, and a life of training, has already been done. Moms have the tendency to do the “Energizer bunny” communication that just keeps on going. And dads have that tendency to tune out when communication is most needed.

Moms, your over-correcting does not provide the rest your child needs. And dad, your refusal to speak up does not restore. What is crucial for your child is the balance of the mom and dad mix, which will result in that place of rest.

But to achieve this balance, it is important for us as parents to transition with our children, to change our style of communication. If we can successfully make this transition, then the day when our children begin to struggle or have difficulties and desperately need someone to talk to we are the ones they will turn to.

Now, let me give you some advice on how to build that bridge–how to make that transition…

1. Start by laying down some new rules, not ones that dictate, but those that invite. In fact, these are rules for yourself, not as much for your child, including making it a priority to have one-on-one time with your child. For example, you might state that a new rule for your house is to go on a mother-daughter, or father-son special vacation each year. Another might be a Joke Night that gets everyone laughing, just laughing, no spiritual lesson attached, just pure fun time together.

2. Ask Thoughtful Questions…create a sense of wonder. Instead of always telling your child the answers, offer them thoughtful questions. And remember, not every question has to be answered immediately, or at all. They will learn to think on their own, and begin to ask you questions as you model one who asks questions. The questions themselves can lead to the right answers, without preaching.

3. PAUSE…and wait to be invited. Hold off on the tendency to always drive the conversation and share your own opinions (Scripture says that “a fool delights in airing his own opinion”). Don’t break genuine interest, but poignant moments of silence (especially when they are not accustomed to silence from you) will move a child to ask, “What do you think?” Try not to force your opinion unless it is invited.

4. The statement “I Was Wrong” (when said by the parent) diffuses difficult discussions and might just bring you amazing results in your communication with your teen. If you handled a situation poorly, admit where you are wrong. You will take the fuse out of the firecracker when you do that. Once you admit you blew it, the issue can no longer be held against you. Anger puts up barriers and must always be diffused before communications will open up.

5. Give Them Respect…consider others to be more important. Easy to say, and sometimes tough to do. It’s basically putting your child first and showing them respect, even as you demand that of them. This should affect the way you speak to them (you wouldn’t yell at, belittle, or talk down to someone you respect), the way you discipline, the way you show grace and the way you respond when you are disappointed and upset.

I want to challenge you today to commit to building a relationship with your child, and that starts with good communications. Make time to communicate and really get to know your teen. And no matter how strained or difficult your relationship might be, there is always HOPE. It may take time and persistence, but keep at it in a loving and natural way and they will eventually open up.

Remember, don’t give up — for God promises to turn your ashes to beauty, your sorrow into joy, and your mourning into dancing. The God that has put His thumbprint on the life of your child still holds him (and you) in His palm.

Recently, someone sent me this e-mail that captures precisely what I’m talking about in this article.

Dear Mark…Our son is on a terrible life path, he is extremely difficult to talk with because he simply will not say more than a few words about anything. We can’t get him to explain what’s going on at school, what he’s thinking, why he does things. His mother and I have tried everything from screaming (I know this was not the right thing and it’s only happened once) to being loving, gentle. Our son is the quiet one in the middle of a family of very verbal people. Even in counseling our son refuses to speak with us much at all. He is secretive and hangs out with the wrong crowd. He has been caught with pot. He spends most of his time holed up in his room like a hermit either sleeping or watching TV, or out with his crowd. Can you give us some advice?

My Answer: The clue to your question is that your child is the quiet one “of a family of verbal people.” Everyone else’s verbal power might be causing your son to shut down. If he can’t get a word in edgewise, then he just quits talking. I think he probably talks quite a bit when he is out with his crowd.

There are some important checks you should make when trying to figure this out. It’s always a good response to first look at where you might be wrong before jumping to the conclusion that your child is in the wrong. So start by asking yourself some difficult questions:

Do I allow my child to express himself, or do I constantly lecture, criticize, warn, and instruct him?

Does everyone in the family react negatively to him when he speaks?

Is he always challenged, argued with, told he’s “stupid” in so many words, or ignored?

Sometimes teens don’t talk because everyone else is talking for them. Maybe no one really listens or he is shamed by what he is feeling and shamed by what he is saying about it.

Your son is not talking for a reason. Questions we need to ask include: Has he been abused? Has he been ridiculed? Has he been emotionally hampered by some event in his life? Has he experienced something that you don’t know about? And before you answer that question ask yourself, “Do my parents know everything that happened to me?” So, what makes you think you know everything about your son?

Behavior is always there for a reason. If you can’t get to that reason, it would be good to have him spend some one-on-one time with someone who can “connect” with him….a counselor, youth minister, teacher, coach, or a close relative. Chances are he has a lot to say, and either doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you or feels shamed by something and chooses to keep quiet. It’s only after searching all areas of his life that you may determine the next steps.

My impression is that your son is involved in more than you think (It’s never what you could imagine, but always more than what you think). Smoking dope, not talking, sleeping all the time, secretive, not so good friends…..sounds like the makings of a disaster. And if your attempts to “reach” him haven’t worked, you speak the truth when you say that it might be time for him to be away from you and from his friends.

Right now, you are dealing with the unknown. As you begin to understand exactly what you’re dealing with, then you can more readily determine what to do. BUT whatever you do, I would encourage you to act quickly. When teens spin out of control, they spiral at an increasing rate. Things may get worse before they get better. But knowing what he’s into and dealing with it is better than not knowing and letting the situation get totally out of hand.

It’s a long answer to a rather short question, but filled with many important lessons for all parents to acknowledge.

So, Moms, Dads…do this for me today. Be diligent in asking your teen these questions today. First, “Do you think we have good communication within our family?” And second, “How could I be a better communicator?”

Ask them to be honest and don’t discount their answers or tell them how they have it all wrong (a first step in changing the way you engage with your teen). Just listen, acknowledge your appreciation for their honesty, and spend some time thinking how to engage differently. And if they tell you that the communication is fine, and that you’re a great communicator, ask them to sleep on it and answer tomorrow after they’ve had some time to think about it. We can all improve on the way we engage with all our kids. Hopefully they’ll come back to you with some great feedback.

“Monkey see, monkey do,” Moms and Dads. The way you communicate with them will be the way that they learn to communicate with you.

About the Author