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The Difference Between Rule-making and Ruling

Some parents mix the idea of rule-making with ruling their home. Reasonable rulemaking and proper boundaries will help a teenager mature into a confident adult, while living under a “ruler” can lead to frustration, rebellion and eroded self-esteem. Which kind of home is yours? One that has rules or one that is ruled?

Rules for your home should fall into three main areas of concern, which are foundational to all other character and maturity issues. They are honesty, obedience, and respect. After all, isn’t the ultimate intent of creating and enforcing rules in your home that of keeping a child’s poor choices from consuming him and destroying his relationships with others?

So, when you think about the rules that govern your home, you might want to ask yourself two questions. The first is, “How much will this rule matter after I am gone or when the child is out on his own?” The second is, “Will this help build my child’s character and cause him to become more mature or responsible?” If the rules for your older teenagers are not centering on character, then you’re most likely ruling your home instead.

“Ruling” works and is necessary when kids are younger, but as your children reach the teenage years they naturally begin weighing decisions on their own. When they choose to break the household rules, they need to deal with the resulting consequences. Teenagers understand consequences. That’s how they learn, not from lecturing or parental anger.

When a teenager butts heads with a “ruler,” conflict and frustration will result. The only thing they’ll then learn is either how to better hide their improper actions or how to scream louder than the ruler does. Neither of these modes is productive and can also lead to a legacy of poor parenting.

Rule-making in Your Home

Rules need to make sense. We can all think about rules set down by our own parents that made no sense at all and others that were beneficial to us (even though we may not have liked them).

Rules also should be relevant, attainable and beneficial, not a source of shame, frustration, or failure.

And rules need to be communicated in advance, right along with the consequences for breaking those rules. Think of it this way. If no one knows the rules, then your teenager will have to learn them by trial and error and will constantly get into trouble. Likewise, if consequences for breaking the rules aren’t known, then a teenager has no way to weigh those consequences against whatever pleasure they find in breaking the rule. This balancing of actions versus consequences is a critical skill for adolescents to learn and exercise.

Finally, rules need to evolve over time, as lessons are learned, kept in line with the growing maturity of your teenager. I’m not talking about “giving in.” I’m saying that out-of-date, irrelevant or demeaning rules will lead to animosity, loss of respect and rebellion by your teenager. They can also lead to consequence confusion, since outdated rules are often not enforced. So, regularly update your rules and restate them to your teenager (before they break the rule, not after), awarding them with freedom and added privileges for the progress they make.

Rules Are Enforced Through Reasonable Consequences

Consequences for teenagers should never hurt physically (other than aching muscles from work assignments). They should never be demeaning or undermine the child’s self-esteem. For teenagers, the loss of a privilege is the most reasonable and powerful consequence. Sometimes they don’t realize how many privileges they enjoy — at least not until they lose them for a time.

Think about some reasonable consequences for your home. And keep in mind how important it is that they are communicated well in advance so the teenager doesn’t attribute the consequences they receive to your poor mood or a bad day. When they break a rule they should know exactly what the consequence will be. And just like laws in our society, parents need to build in progressively stronger consequences for rules that are broken again and again (since the initial consequence was obviously not enough of a deterrent).

Setting up rules and enforcing consequences — more than any other thing you manage as a parent — is the best way to help your child learn right from wrong and to change from selfish to unselfish thinking.

Don’t Cut Off Your Relationship When They Do Wrong

When you line out the rules, make it clear that they are developed in the context of longing for your child to do well in life, more than a selfish need for you to be in control or your home to be pristine. Above all, keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important than their breaking any rule.

Don’t correlate your teen’s rule-keeping or rule-breaking to your love or acceptance of them. Regularly let them know that you will continue to love them, even when they mess up. Express your sorrow when your teen experiences consequences, but take care not to express your disappointment in them. There’s a big difference between those two sentiments. One is caring and the other is destructive of your relationship.

The Parent’s Admonition: “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.”

When your teenager breaks a rule (and they will!) show your deep love for them by refusing to let them off the hook. Teenagers mostly learn from consequences. So avoid taking the consequences away or lessening them. When consequences are known well in advance, it shouldn’t damage your relationship when they are handed out. Surely, your teenager weighed the consequences at the same time they chose to step over the line, and chose to do it anyway!

HOME ASSIGNMENT: If you have teenagers in your home, line out some rules for your home, and begin to think about what consequences to apply. Decide things like: who pays for what, what time frame is expected for certain things like curfew and chores, what you expect from them for school and grades, work, their spiritual life, their friends. Address issues like respect, honesty and obedience, with clear rules — no lying, no cheating, everyone gets respect. Call a family meeting and work on the rules and consequences together, so everyone is part of it. You’ll be surprised. Your teen will often suggest penalizing bad behavior with consequences more severe than you were thinking.

Remember, “ruling” your home is not a good measurement of the effectiveness of your rulemaking. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas.  He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids.  He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.orgYou can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.


Ending Family Chaos – Beliefs

When a teenager doesn’t know what is expected in your home, he does what seems right in his own eyes – and that’s a formula for chaos.

A good way to avoid chaos in the teenage years is to establish a system that outlines rules and consequences, which is a clear and undeniable plan for what is expected in your home. I call it a “Belief System for Discipline” because you have to base it on those dearly held beliefs that includes what consequences to expect if the rules are broken or boundaries crossed. The root of the word discipline is “disciple” – and discipline for your teen is best characterized by positive training or discipling, just as we saw Christ demonstrate with his disciples.

Having a clearly defined Belief System for your home helps everyone know how to act, where the “line” is so they know when they step over it, and what consequences to expect. Teenagers can learn from established rules and consequences, but generally get frustrated from rules and consequences that seem arbitrary or inconsistent.

Why is this so important? Because teens are prone to test their parents in every possible way. It is part of their built-in and growing need for independence, and they need to exercise their own free will. This is why parents need to take time to establish a clearly defined Belief System before their children enter the adolescent years. Doing so will go a long way toward avoiding parenting chaos and helping your teen eventually establish similar beliefs for himself.

A Belief System for Discipline is a set of beliefs, boundaries, rules, and consequences that govern the discipline in your home.

A Belief System for Discipline is the Remedy to Chaos

Relief from the chaos comes when a cohesive Belief System is communicated in advance, and everyone knows what to expect. It lends a sense of security to highly insecure teenagers to know what to expect – especially when it comes to discipline.

In other words, they know in advance whether or not experiencing the consequences is worth it when stepping across established boundaries.

Teenagers quickly learn… don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

I realize that some parents face insurmountable obstacles that come about when a child spends time on alternating weekends with two sets of parents and two different sets of beliefs. This can be very difficult and confusing for everyone involved. So, even in the case of divorce or separation, caring parents should think about uniting, whenever possible, under the banner of one Belief System, for the sake of their children.

Your teen may not agree with your Belief System for Discipline. He may not like it and try to change your mind, but he cannot justify his misbehavior or avoid the consequences based on a difference of opinion. He knows well in advance what will happen if he transgresses the household Belief System, and can only hold himself responsible for the resulting consequences.

For example, let’s say that one aspect of your Belief System is that you believe that smoking is bad for your health, and therefore smoking is not allowed in your home.  Your teenager may not believe the same way – but it doesn’t matter because this is your home, and this is what you believe. The belief will probably not change, even when they are adults. Your teenager then needs to decide for himself whether or not to smoke – and suffer the consequences if he chooses to do so.

What you believe is the cause that eventually produces a desired effect.

Generational Beliefs – Family Background and Traditions

It’s a given that the source of your Belief System for Discipline starts with you and your spouse, and the way you were raised. You will probably not operate your home exactly the same way as your parents. But, you may adopt some of the same basic ideals you grew up with for your own home.

A simple example is the annual family vacation. Yes, that can be a part of your Belief System. If your parents provided for time away with the family on a yearly basis, and it worked out well for you, then you will probably establish in your own Belief System that an annual family vacation is important as well.

Or, if your parents believed it was best to teach you responsibility by allowing you to work for the things you wanted, you may likewise believe it’s best for your children to work for the things they want.  These are generational beliefs, or traditions passed down from grandparent, to parent, to child.

Spiritual Beliefs – Character and Spiritual Walk

The next place to identify your beliefs, of course, is your relationship with God. The Bible is full of training on how to live honorably and in harmony with both God and man. The Bible is a good resource for ushering God’s ideals for your home into your discipline structure. These are spiritual beliefs that address your child’s character, spiritual training, and how you’ll manage issues like honesty, obedience, and respect.

Functional Beliefs – Your Unique Likes and Dislikes

Functional beliefs relate to everyday living, like bedrooms need to be cleaned on a periodic basis in order to avert inspection by local health officials. Or, chores are a part of each family member’s duty in the home and must be done before anything else. Or, you believe a good way to encourage your child in sports is to attend as many of their games as possible, so you establish that own expectation for yourself. These are functional beliefs, and they address the daily habits and quirks unique to each individual in the family.

Summary and Assignment

This is your parenting homework assignment for the week: Take time to write down some of your own generational, spiritual, and functional beliefs. Think about why you believe them and why they are important to you.  Once you understand what you truly believe about how things should be in your home, you will have the basis for moving toward the next step, which is to create and implement some healthy boundaries, rules, and consequences.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas.  He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids.  He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.orgYou can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program.  Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.


Accepting Your Imperfect Teen

Student Story: Lucas

You set out to raise the “perfect” children and even planned their “perfect” future. But what happens when your teen doesn’t turn out the way you expected? This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston explains why demanding perfection is never the answer. Learn biblical wisdom and grace to help reset expectations and give your teen more room to grow.

If you listen on a mobile phone or tablet, please download our Parenting Today’s Teens app available for Apple or Android. If you listen on a desktop or laptop computer, press the “play” button above to enjoy daily parenting advice.