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How Teens are Impacted by Divorce, Part 1 of 3

Divorce is where two adults take everything that matters to a child—the child’s home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected—and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then walk out and leave the child to clean up the mess” – Michael Regan, adopted son of former President Ronald Regan

This just in—divorce is detrimental to kids. While mountains of supporting evidence over the past few decades hardly make this breaking news, nonetheless, it hasn’t stemmed the ever-rising tide of couples calling it quits. When Ronald Reagan signed the nation’s first “no-fault” divorce legislation as governor of California in 1969, he failed to read the writing on the wall: Divorce rates would soar (86% between 1969 and 1980 with a million divorces a year after that); marriage rates would plunge (53 percent since 1970) and cohabitation outside of marriage would increase dramatically. Although Reagan later told his son Michael that imposing no-fault divorce on the nation was “one of the worst mistakes he ever made in public office,” sadly, the damage was already done.

In this three-part series, I’ll be talking about the “D” word (divorce) as it impacts teens. Parts I and II will focus primarily on divorce prevention and specifically why, “For the sake of the kids” is a good enough reason all on its own to stay together. As Benjamin Franklin was fond of saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Part III will focus on divorce “search and recovery;” specifically, how to search out your teen’s heart and recover your lost relationship with him or her in the aftermath of a divorce. In this last part, I’ll give you the tools you need to deal with the fallout of your divorce.

If you’re in the former category and considering divorce, I hope that I can persuade you to seriously pray and consider the impact of your decision—not just on your own children, future grandchildren, and on subsequent generations, but also on society as a whole. Even divorced couples will generally agree that, “divorce never solves problems—it only creates more.” If you’re in the latter category, and you’re already divorced, know that there is hope. The deed may have been already done, but it’s in no way the unpardonable sin. Neither is divorce meant to be a life sentence—either for you, or for your children. God’s grace is more than sufficient to cover any of our shortcomings and mistakes—and not just ours, but those who by their own sinful actions may have forced us into a no-win situation.

“The New Normal” Isn’t Normal

Honestly, in a society so used to divorce, it sometimes feels as if we’re trying to close the barn door after its residents have already escaped. No matter how accustomed we’ve become to single-parent households, dysfunctional families, and all of divorce’s associated societal ills, it never makes it easier on its most innocent victims: the children. In my work with troubled teens, I see the impact of divorce everyday: kids often blame themselves for their parent’s divorce; they lose the constant presence of one parent; they lose their home, their church, their standard of living, their innocence about life, and their role models for healthy and lasting relationships. As a result, kids from broken homes have a higher probability of being abused, having difficulty in school, struggling with depression, acting out violently, getting involved in promiscuity, falling into addictions, failing in their own marriages, and rejecting their parents’ faith.

Out of the Fire and Into the Frying Pan

Listen to what a few Hollywood celebrities—Nicole Richie, Justin Timberlake and Isla Fisher—said about the impact of their parent’s divorce on them—even as adults: “When my dad divorced my mom it was kind of like him leaving me also… I still feel the pain of that.” (Nicole Richie). “My parents divorced when I was three. I’m humbly and honestly finding out that I have a lot of issues with that.” (Timberlake). When your parents divorce, it makes you grow up fast. I’d urge parents to strongly consider working things out. I’d work things out and I’d definitely stay put. Especially if there were children involved.”  (Isla Fisher)

A few celebrities shrug off the impact of their parent’s divorce on them—saying it either didn’t affect them or it was better than the alternative; mom and dad staying together and fighting all the time. Johnny Depp remarked, “I recall hearing my parents argue and thinking: ‘Come on, this is torture. Just split!‘ When they finally did divorce, I thought: ‘OK, this is the right thing’” It may very well have been “torture” for Depp to have had to listen to his parents argue throughout his childhood—on the other hand, his personal life seems to be affected more than he may realize. After abandoning his long-term live-in relationship that produced three children (with a string of broken relationships before that), Depp and his current wife, an openly bi-sexual actress, are calling it quits after only six months. Somehow, I don’t think that Depp’s beloved preacher-grandfather, “Paw Paw,” had that kind of future in mind for his grandson.

The simple truth is that few people have the ability to discern how deeply a childhood trauma impacts their decision making and behavior as an adult. It’s not uncommon for them to “disassociate” the two—even making statements such as Depp made, without seeing the connection to their own failure to form life-long bonds. Like his divorced parents, Depp may have received a temporary reprieve from emotional pain when his parents divorced, but it was just that—only temporary.

Acceptable Collateral Damage?

On one issue, most experts agree: During the painful divorce process, children need an emphatic ear to help them voice their deepest feelings of rejection and abandonment. Sadly, they’re unlikely to get this kind of compassion and understanding from the two people they need reassurance from the most: their parents. That’s because when mom and dad are splitting up the focus tends to be more on themselves—their emotional hurts, their anxieties. In a recent UK survey on the impact of divorce upon children, one in five of the children polled felt there was no point confiding in either their mother or father because they were “too wrapped up in themselves.” Nearly 40 percent said they hid their feelings from their parents because they did not want to upset them.

While it’s true that children are amazingly resilient, many parents interpret that resilience as acceptable collateral damage. More often than not, parents in the throes of divorce see what they want to see. Perhaps this is because their strong desire to get off the decaying grass and find those greener pastures is greater than their understanding of the future impact their decision will have on their children as adults.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

            Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas.  He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids.  He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.orgYou can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program.   Here you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens App, a great way to listen on your schedule.


Marital Jeopardy Sparked by Teen Crisis

The separation or divorce of parents can deeply affect teenagers and cause them to lose their footing in life, but have you ever thought how hard the crisis you’re having with a difficult teenager is on your marriage? Really hard! It can even lead to divorce.

So, let’s discuss some proactive steps to take to fight against this tendency, since it needs to be something you are aware of even as you are dealing with your struggling teen.  After all, the failure of your marriage in the midst of the turmoil can lead to even more dire consequences for your teenager, and of course, for you.

Steps for Preventing Marital Jeopardy for Parents of Troubled Teens

Identify how your teenager’s out of control behavior could be hurting your marital relationship, and express your feelings openly to your spouse.  Protect your spouse’s feelings and don’t share them with others.

Don’t expect your spouse to fill the void left by your teen’s wrong choices or absence.

Make decisions together as much as possible in regard to your teen, but don’t undermine your spouse’s decisions even if they are not discussed in advance. Recognize that there are things your spouse will do differently, and let it become a strength. Try to support their style of parenting, even if it’s not always what you would do, or how you would do it.

Don’t blame each other for the trouble you are experiencing with your teen. Blame will help no one at this point and in fact will feed your teen’s problems.

See the experience as something you must manage together. Attend couples counseling (even as your teen is getting individual counseling). Get outside help specifically for managing your stress. If one of you tends to choose isolation from the problem, or expresses anger inappropriately, address it with a professional. If you’ve never had reason or motivation to improve your relationship, keep in mind that saving your teen is a really good reason.

Begin to share your feelings about what’s happening in your family. Hiding your feelings from your spouse, or not talking about your fears, anxieties, or worries only isolates you from the problem.

Present a united front to your teen, and one that insists your child treat both of you respectfully. This is a time when parenting comes from a love that is tough and remains strong, like that of a warrior ready to fight to keep a child from self-destruction. Treating each other respectfully is a first step.

Don’t expect your spouse to change. Instead, focus on changes you may need to make yourself.

Don’t vent your frustrations on anyone else in the family, especially your spouse. Find other ways to vent that don’t include relationship-bashing.

Find other parents who are experiencing similar issues with their teen, and spend time with them. Relate your struggles and give them the chance to do the same. It may be difficult to find others who are willing to engage in such a private discussion, so you be willing to start the discussion, if needed. Attend conferences, like our Families in Crisis or Turbulence Ahead conferences, to help you gain insight and understand that you are not alone in this struggle.

Respond, instead of reacting to what comes your way. Take time to think it through before you make a decision, and make certain the decision is one you both support. Ask God’s help in finding the right answers, and strength to do what’s necessary.

Don’t avoid the pain – if you avoid dealing with the pain, you avoid finding a solution. Examine the feelings of loss, betrayal, sorrow, or anger, and ask God to come alongside to bear your burdens.

Keep looking to the other side of the struggle. Be patient. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is God. Find hope in your relationship with God, and move in the direction He leads, knowing the struggle with your child will eventually end and the teen who gives you the hardest time is often the one you’ll end up relating to best down the road.

Above all, know this: teens in crisis are experts at pitting one parent against the other, creating a wedge in order to deflect attention away from their own bad behavior. At a time like this, be aware that you will be challenged with more stress and the natural result can be more marital problems. So, keep in mind where those stressors are coming from and also take to heart the steps I have outlined above.  It could save your marriage while you are also fighting to save your teen.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas.  He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids.  He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.orgYou can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program.   Here you can download the Parenting Today’s Teens App, a great way to listen on your schedule.


Divorce, Remarriage, and the Effect on Teens

Student Story: Lilly

Becoming a parent is never easy. But becoming a stepparent comes with its own set of difficult new challenges. This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston examines the struggles a blended family may face, and provides helpful tips for making it work.

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