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Ending Family Chaos – Consequences

“A sensible person learns by being corrected.” — Proverbs 19:25

If I asked, “Does your teen seem sensible?” Most parents would look at me cross-eyed, or ask me if I’ve lost my mind. Of course my teen isn’t sensible! Teens are wired for chaos and they spread it everywhere they go, including your home.

Our job as parents is to help our teenagers become sensible, as well as responsible and mature. The best way to help our teen move in that direction is to allow consequences to teach them when they make bad choices.

Teenagers won’t learn just from parental warnings. Most of us have tried that without much success. And unfortunately, one or both parents all too often cave in. We step in to lessen the consequences when Johnny or Julie gets in trouble. Each time we do so, a valuable lesson isn’t learned and a mistake is apt to be repeated.

If you rescue an angry man once, you’ll just have to rescue him again. — Proverbs 19:19

The point is, teens learn best by making mistakes and suffering a bit from the consequences. They remember the lessons when there are consequences because they are then able to figure it out for themselves.

It reminds me of when we recently were with some of the kids from Heartlight having a blast in the woods annihilating one another with paintballs. The kids especially loved plastering me. But when we finished, I was surprised to see that one of the boys refused to clean his paintball equipment.

I said to him, “You played paintball. We had a good time. And you know the rule for the course — everybody cleans their own equipment.”

“Well – I am not going to do it,” he said, and then further unleashed a verbal tirade.

I remained calm, and said to him, “Now, we have another problem. In addition to breaking the equipment cleaning rule, you are also being disrespectful to me.”

So, I laid down consequences for his disrespect and his refusal to cooperate. He would be required to do a specified amount of yard work and lose his extra privileges for a time. And he would still have to clean the paintball equipment and apologize for mouthing off.

After a couple of days raking pine needles, he came to me to apologize. As I got the equipment out for him to clean, I brought the lesson home and reaffirmed him saying, “You are a good man. But you need to work through the way you respond when you are angry. It is killing your relationships. Your friends and others will not put up with it. I want something better for you. And by the way… this lesson is not about cleaning the stupid paintball stuff — this is about helping you be successful in life.”

But because of the consequences, he already knew that. Time and work had allowed him to figure out a very important lesson, not just about being responsible for things, but about being responsible for his own behavior.

Give Them Something That Can Be Taken Away

You may ask me, “How do I know what kind of consequence to apply?” I tell parents that one way is to give them something they want. But teach them they could lose it if they don’t follow the rules. And when they don’t, then take it away for a time.

When thinking about consequences, it helps to know what your child values. If they don’t value it, they also won’t learn from losing it. Is it time with friends, text-messaging, car privileges, the cell phone, music, the computer, or after-school events? By the way, should I need mention it, consequences for teenagers should never involve physical pain (other than some aching muscles from hard work).

Make the consequence relate to the privilege. A simple example might be: “If the car isn’t home by curfew tonight, then you won’t be able to use the car tomorrow.” If he continues to miss curfew each time he is given car privileges, then don’t let him drive for increasingly longer periods. And don’t even offer rides to school. Let him take the bus, so he learns from it.

Most of all, keep it calm. Keep anger and that “I’m disappointed in you” statement out of it altogether. Even side with the teen in how sad you feel that they have to experience the consequence. Our goal with consequences is to make the teen angry at himself or herself for knowingly doing something stupid, not angry at you.

Implement Change One Step at a Time

Letting your teen know what will happen well in advance is a key part of the learning process. Decide ahead of time what the rules and consequences will be so they don’t sound arbitrary or derived from anger when they are applied. Clearly communicate them to your teen.

If you haven’t done such a good job of communicating rules and consequences up until this point, then start by letting your teen know you’ve blown it when it comes to certain areas of discipline, and you will be making a change that affects everyone soon. Give them time to adjust to the idea that discipline is going to be different, before you let them know exactly how it will look.

Then, call everyone together and work out your ideas for rules and consequences together. Your teen may surprise you and come up with even stricter requirements than you originally planned. And, when it comes time to give a consequence, your teen will already understand exactly what to expect, and exactly why to expect it. In fact, they will tell you what their consequence is, because they weighed it in their mind and deliberately chose to accept it when they broke the rule.

Working out consequences well ahead of time helps everyone remain calm when your teen experiences the consequences related to breaking the rules.

Take Seriously Your Role of Managing Consequences

Some parents are surprised by the concept of “managing consequences.” They manage their budget. They manage their calendar. They may even manage employees. But most have never heard of managing consequences.

But I can’t emphasize it enough. This is one of the most vital things you’ll do in parenting adolescents. If you want your teenager to become responsible and mature, you have to let them take responsibility for their actions and feel the sting of consequences.

Let Your Teen Feel the Full Force of Being Caught Committing Illegal Acts

Illegal behavior calls for consequences that get your teen’s undivided attention. Such consequences are often out of your control anyway, but they shouldn’t be lessened in any way by you. I’ve known some parents who are quite justified in their desire for their drug-abusing teenager to be caught by the police before they sink even deeper into that lifestyle. And refusing to bail a teenager out of jail or delaying that action a day or two is another example of allowing natural consequences to take their course. An appearance all alone before a judge and being processed into jail has a way of catching a teen’s attention and changing their behavior like nothing else can. A key point is to let your teen know in advance that you won’t bail them out if they are at fault.

Tough and Tender

There are two sides to consequences — the tough side that says to your teen, “I will allow painful consequences to take place in order to teach you when you do something wrong.” This is a big shift from parenting younger kids, when our main goal was to prevent our children from getting hurt simply because they don’t know any better. And the tender side which says, “I will always love you no matter what you do and it truly hurts me to allow consequences in your life.”

Your teen wants a taste of the character of God. They want to experience the strength of a warrior and the tender, caring side of somebody promising to help them get through their difficulties. So, even if you are dealing with painful consequences, make sure your teen knows you love them, no matter what they’ve done.

Consequences, when applied correctly or allowed to happen naturally, change your child’s thinking. They teach adolescents how to think or act differently the next time.

This concept is among the most important I can teach you today. So, take time to call your family meeting and begin developing, communicating and enforcing this incredibly effective tool and responsibility of parenthood.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Ending Family Chaos – Rules

Most of us work for companies that have a policy manual. We follow the policies, since they are a requirement of enjoying the financial benefits and privileges of employment. From that we know what to expect, how to act, and how not to act if we want to keep our jobs. Likewise, the rules within your family Belief System will help each family member know what is expected of them, how to act, where the lines are drawn between right and wrong behavior, and the consequences for stepping over the line.

Rules are expectations and guidelines placed around our behavior, in order to support our family boundaries and beliefs.

So, how do we go about creating and implementing rules that will effectively guide our teen for their own good, and for the good of our entire family?

Rules Are For Your Child’s Own Benefit

Rules for your home will most likely fall into three main areas of concern, which are foundational to all other character issues. They are honesty, obedience, and respect.

Rules should be relevant, attainable and beneficial, not a source of shame, frustration, or failure. After all, isn’t the ultimate intent of creating and enforcing rules in your home that of keeping a child’s poor choices from consuming him, and destroying his relationships with others?

So, when you think about the rules that govern your home, you might want to ask yourself two questions. The first question is, “How much will this rule matter after I am gone?” The second question is, “Will this help build my child’s character, and cause him to become more mature or responsible?”

If not, then you probably need to rethink the rule and your motivation for wanting to make it a rule.

Rules also need to make sense. We can all think about rules set down by our own parents that made no sense at all and others that were beneficial to us (even though we may not have liked them).

Finally, rules often need to evolve over time, as lessons are learned, and kept in line with the growing maturity of your teenager. Out of date, irrelevant or demeaning rules will lead to animosity, loss of respect and rebellion in your teenager. They can also lead to consequence confusion, since outdated rules are often not enforced. Regularly update your rules and restate them to your teenager, awarding them with freedom and added privileges for the progress they make.

Rules Are Enforced Through Reasonable Consequences

For teenagers, the loss of a privilege can be a powerful consequence. Sometimes they don’t realize how many privileges they enjoy — at least, not until they lose them for a time.

It brings to mind when we had several teenage boys living with us in our own home years ago. Based on the worsening condition of their bathroom, I could see that they needed help with exercising more self-control. So, I told them, “Guys, from now on you need to clean your own toilet and keep your bathroom clean. If not, you could lose it.”

Unfortunately, they ignored the rule and the mess got even worse. The once pearly white toilet bowl turned shades of brown.

So, one day I just took the entire toilet out! I literally removed it from the house. By that time, the toilet needed to be replaced anyway, so I thought not having it for a while would be a good learning opportunity for them.

When they got home from school there was nothing but a little hole in the floor where the brown toilet used to stand, they said, “Where are we supposed to go?”

I said, “aim well – I’m sorry, the rule is that you need to clean your toilet and keep your bathroom clean. If you won’t clean it, you can’t have it.”

After a few days of not aiming all that well and the stench becoming unbearable, they came to me asking, “What do we need to do to get our toilet back?”

I said, “Well, I appreciate you coming back and asking. The thing is… you can have your toilet back, but to make sure you have learned this lesson you also have to clean the toilets in the whole house for the next couple of months.”

They readily agreed, and I installed a new toilet. They cleaned all the bathrooms for a few months, and learned the importance of taking better care of things. The most important lesson for them was that when you break a rule, you pay the consequences.

The consequence in my example may sound crude, but it got the point across. After that, they kept the bathroom clean and they listened more carefully when I announced other important rules.

Setting up rules and enforcing consequences — more than any other thing you manage as a parent — is the best way to help your child learn right from wrong and to change from selfish to unselfish thinking.

Keep Rules Within the Context of Relationship

When you line out rules make it clear that they are developed in the context of longing for your child to do well in life, more than a selfish need for you to be in control. Rules are not just about having your house operate well and the chores done. In the “toilet” example I gave, I saw it as a major opportunity to teach these boys an important life principle, not just make that side of our house smell better. It is a lesson they still recall today.

Above all, keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important than any rule. Don’t tie rule keeping or rule breaking to your love or acceptance of them. Let them know that you will continue to love them, even when they mess up.

Continually say, “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more, and nothing you can do to make me love you less.”

When they break a rule (and they will!) show your deep love for them by refusing to let them off the hook. Teenagers mostly learn from consequences. When they are known in advance, it shouldn’t damage your relationship when they are handed out, since the teenager accepted the consequences at the same time that they chose to step over the line.

ASSIGNMENT: This week, line out some rules for your home, and begin to think about consequences. Decide things like: who pays for what, what time frame is expected for certain things like curfew and chores, what you expect from them for school and grades, work, their spiritual life, their friends. Address issues like respect, honesty and obedience with clear rules – no lying, no cheating, everyone gets respect. Examine how your rules support your boundaries and beliefs for the way your home should run. Call a family meeting and work on the rules together, so everyone is part of the decision-making.

The next article I’ll tie it all together – Beliefs, Boundaries Rules, and Consequences, and hopefully, if you have done your homework, you will have the beginning of a wonderful new tool for preventing chaos in your home.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ending Family Chaos – Boundaries

In the last blog I wrote about the first step in developing a Belief System for Discipline for your home — to identify your basic beliefs. The next important step to avoid family chaos is to evaluate your personal boundaries and how they relate to your beliefs. Boundaries define you. They are the fence posts placed around your behavior, or the delineation of how your beliefs are to be lived out. They are the “I will” and “I will not” statements that are the basis of your daily living and interaction with others. When they are defined, they help everyone in the family take responsibility for their own behavior, make their own choices, and know if they are headed into dangerous territory.

Let me give you some examples of how boundaries support your beliefs…

If an important cornerstone of your Belief System is honesty, then an umbrella family boundary in that regard would be: We will be honest – and expect everyone in our family to be honest. For example, consider something gained dishonestly. What does your family do when a cashier returns too much change? Do you make it right, or do you keep the change? Or, how about when something of value is found in a parking lot? Do you keep it, or take it to the lost and found department? If you believe in honesty, your boundary is to seek to live honestly at all times- it is a clear line that is not to be crossed, even by keeping a lost or dishonestly gained item. It also means you will not accept dishonesty from others in your relationships.

Another good example of a boundary that supports the same belief in honesty might be: I will seek to honestly admit my mistakes and make things right whenever possible. That means, for example, that if I ding another’s car in a parking lot, I’ll leave my name and phone number if the other driver cannot be found.

Boundaries ensure each family member takes responsibility for themselves and their own actions.

A second example might be if you believe that respect for one another has merit, then your boundary will include showing respect to those you live with, and teaching family members to respect those outside the family as well. Being respectful means: not taking things without asking, not talking badly about another, not leaving a mess, not calling names or mouthing off. On the positive side, being respectful means: celebrating one another’s successes, helping each other out when it’s needed, asking permission before using something that is not yours, or standing up for other family members. You fill in what you consider to be respectful and disrespectful practices.

Boundaries help us set thoughtful limits to our own behavior, ensuring right behavior in the heat of the moment.

And, as a final example, perhaps you believe that dinner-time is an important time for building family togetherness. A boundary in that regard could be: I will plan and implement dinner for the family every evening, and expect them to be there whenever possible. Thinking a bit ahead to creating a rule that goes along with your belief and boundary: “No one is to make conflicting plans for dinner time, nor accept phone calls or visits from friends during that time.”

Boundaries are about every member of the family, not just about you or your teen. They help us learn when to lovingly say “yes” or “no” when someone or something wants our time, our energy, our money, or our attention.

Sometimes boundaries need to be adjusted as your family grows up, in order to be more age-appropriate, or honed to address a specific problem. Boundaries are not rules, which will be discussed next week. Boundaries apply more to the person, and how you will function within your relationships. They help you take responsibility for your choices, and empower you to set limits with others.

NEXT: We’ll learn about Rules… the management tools that help us accomplish living according our beliefs.

In following articles I’ll also discuss consequences for the times when the rules are broken. You’ll see that laying down rules without your teenager understanding the basic beliefs behind the rules, nor defining specific boundaries and consequences, is simply asking for trouble and growing frustration. You’ll also see that allowing your teen to face the natural consequences for breaking the rules is the number one way to help them learn how to honor your beliefs.

The four-step plan to end family chaos in your home:

Reveal your BELIEFS >> define BOUNDARIES >> establish your RULES>> enforce the CONSEQUENCES

ABOUT THE AUTHOR