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Communicating with Teens

Every parent of a teenager wants to build a strong line of communication with their teen. But sadly, the opposite is most often true. I’d like to share with you some simple tips to improve your communications with your teen.

You may wonder what the best timing is for building good lines of communication with your teen or pre-teen. That’s simple. Do it NOW, before problems, struggles and difficulties begin. And never stop working at it, even when there is conflict.

As your children move from the elementary years into early adolescence, it’s essential that you adapt your style of communication to the changes taking place with your child. What was non-hormonal, now becomes laced with hormones. Total dependence moves closer to independence, and that affects how your teen interacts with you. Unless you change with them, there will be conflict and broken communications.

There is a scripture that I believe accurately reflects the condition of most teens, and the “should-be” role of most parents. It’s when Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden (the condition of the teens part), and I will give you rest for your soul” (the parent’s part).

The hope is that we, as parents, become that place of rest for our kids a place where they might be restored.

Too many times parents become a place of added burden or hardship, or an extra “measure” of correction, when correcting, and a life of training, has already been done. Moms have the tendency to do the “Energizer bunny” communication that just keeps on going. And dads have that tendency to tune out when communication is most needed.

Moms, your over-correcting does not provide the rest your child needs. And dad, your refusal to speak up does not restore. What is crucial for your child is the balance of the mom and dad mix, which will result in that place of rest.

But to achieve this balance, it is important for us as parents to transition with our children, to change our style of communication. If we can successfully make this transition, then the day when our children begin to struggle or have difficulties and desperately need someone to talk to we are the ones they will turn to.

Now, let me give you some advice on how to build that bridge–how to make that transition…

Start by laying down some new rules, not ones that dictate, but those that invite. In fact, these are rules for yourself, not as much for your child, including making it a priority to have one-on-one time with your child. For example, you might state that a new rule for your house is to go on a mother-daughter, or father-son special vacation each year. Another might be a Joke Night that gets everyone laughing, just laughing, no spiritual lesson attached, just pure fun time together.
Ask Thoughtful Questions… create a sense of wonder. Instead of always telling your child the answers, offer them thoughtful questions. And remember, not every question has to be answered immediately, or at all. They will learn to think on their own, and begin to ask you questions as you model one who asks questions. The questions themselves can lead to the right answers, without preaching.
.. and wait to be invited. Hold off on the tendency to always drive the conversation and share your own opinions (Scripture says that a fool delights in airing his own opinion). Don’t break genuine interest, but poignant moments of silence (especially when they are not accustomed to silence from you) will move a child to ask, “What do you think?” Try not to force your opinion unless it is invited.

“I Was Wrong” diffuses difficult discussions. If you handled a situation poorly, admit where you are wrong. You will take the fuse out of the firecracker when you do that. Once you admit you blew it, the issue can no longer be held against you. Anger puts up barriers and must always be diffused before communications will open up.

Give Them Respect… consider others to be more important. Easy to say, and sometimes tough to do. It’s basically putting your child first and showing them respect, even as you demand that of them. This should affect the way you speak to them (you wouldn’t yell at, belittle, or talk down to someone you respect), the way you discipline, the way you show grace and the way you respond when you are disappointed and upset.

I want to challenge you today to commit to building a relationship with your child, and that starts with good communications. Make time to communicate and really get to know your teen. And no matter how strained or difficult your relationship might be, there is always HOPE. It may take time and persistence, but keep at it in a loving and natural way and they will eventually open up.

Remember, don’t give up — for God promises to turn your ashes to beauty, your sorrow into joy, and your mourning into dancing. The God that has put His thumbprint on the life of your child still holds him (and you) in His palm.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Getting the School Year Started Right

Like New Year’s resolutions, the start of the school year is a perfect time for parents and teenagers to make resolutions in regard to goals, responsibilities, and expectations. It is an opportunity to think about what you and your teen hope to accomplish this year, but it is also a time to think about your household rules, making sure they are still age-appropriate (or appropriate according to the maturity of your teen).

Consider the environment your teen is about to enter. What precautions and advice can you give them? What should they avoid, and what should they strive for this year? How will this year affect their future, their college choices or their future career? Will this be an especially difficult transition year, such as moving to a new school or from junior high to high school? At such times, it is especially important to help make the transition as smooth as possible. I recommend visiting the school with an older student who is already familiar with the school as your tour guide, so your child can learn the ropes and understand what to expect, including the good, the bad and the ugly.

Get the Relationship Right

It is also a time to shore up your relationship with your teen. Be diligent in making one of your goals this school year to meet with them regularly, at least once a week. It can become more difficult as their schedule gets busier, but don’t allow their activities or friends to come between you. Make it a requirement to get together weekly at a restaurant or coffee shop; or better yet, go have some mutual fun together.

You’ll find that every time you meet with your teen you’ll learn something new about them, and your relationship will blossom. If your teen is a boy, keep in mind that boys will clam up if a parent expects them to look them in the eye when they talk. My friend Bill Ziegler, a middle school principal and frequent guest on our weekly radio program, says, “Boys communicate better when we’re side by side, versus face to face.” I find that boys also seem to process life while they are involved in an activity of some sort. So you’ll be most successful if you can find something fun to do together, all the while interjecting thought-provoking questions to keep the conversation going.

For girls, too, conversation naturally comes out of having fun together. Talking less during these activity times may be difficult for a parent, but when it comes to getting teenagers to open up to you, you can’t shut up too much. And be sure to prevent distractions during your time together. Don’t bring along friends or siblings. Don’t go to their regular hangout, where they’ll likely run into their friends. Don’t allow iPods or cell phones. And by all means, don’t announce the activity is for the purpose of having a talk. Just leave the space open and available while you are with them, to see what happens next. Then zip your lip, be quiet, and practice listening.

Your teen may never have a long discussion with you; it may just be the “instant message” version. But listen carefully, because what is said will probably be short and you’ll have to do some reading between the lines. Repeat back what you think they said, or ask a few quick questions to clarify what they meant. This will signify that you are really listening and wanting to understand them.

A number of things happen in the first few weeks of school. So it is no time for parents to back off after a long hot summer with their teen. In fact, I recommend that you double up your one on one meetings during the first month. Listen to what your teen has to say about their new teachers, their schedule and their peers. Perhaps they are already being bullied by someone, so it could be that they need to be quickly moved or the school officials told about the bullying. Getting it right in the first few weeks is critical, since you can still make changes in their schedule or classes before they get too far into the semester, and before they become discouraged.

School Is More Stressful Today

School has become a much more demanding environment for our kids these days. The pressures are significant to perform for others; socially, academically or athletically. So, take care in reviewing your teenager’s schedule. Don’t allow them to over-commit their time to school or other extra-curricular activities, including those at church. Adults will recruit them to commit to every spare second in their day to sports, clubs, music, or youth group, if you allow them. It’s up to you to help your teen prioritize their schedule, while giving them permission to cut out some things if it appears they are taking on too much. If they are unwilling to confront the people who are pushing them into a state of being over-committed, ask your teen’s permission to speak to them yourself.

Other kids will under-commit and avoid involvement in anything but what’s required. So you may need to help them by asking them to at least try out for a sport or a club or other activity that will broaden their horizons, give them a new skill, or put them in the company of a positive peer group. Remember, in the teen years one of the most important things you can do for your child is to help them find a positive peer group – so do whatever it takes.

Is Your Home a Place of Rest?

Finally, but no less important, be sure to take a close look at the environment in your home. Is it a place of rest for your teen, or does it just add to their stress? Having reasonable rules and chores won’t cause stress; it is when there is poor communication, excessive lecturing, bickering, and fighting. So, pick your battles wisely and major on the majors. Set aside the minor issues, especially during the first few weeks of school. When your teen gets home after school, allow them some time to kick back and find some rest, even if it is just playing a video game or going for a walk. They need to unwind, just like you do when you’ve had a stressful day.

I hope you use this time at the beginning of a new school year to recharge and regroup. Watch for signs of problems with your teen, especially during these first few weeks. If they get off course, it will likely be now as they are dealing with new teachers, new or suddenly “grown-up” peers, new pressures, and possibly a transition to a new school.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Staying Ahead of the Turbulence

I’m blessed to work with teens and their families. It’s taught me more about parenting and how teens think today than I could have learned any other way. All parents have to go through the sometimes-bumpy teen years. There’s no way around it. So, in the dawning days of adolescence they often ask me, “How can I get ready for the turbulence ahead?”

Parenting is a Special Calling

Parents are placed into the authority role in the life of their child, and should consider that role as a calling from God. It’s tough to remain in a right relationship with a child that chooses a less inviting path through adolescence. But hang in there! Understand how today’s teen culture will begin tugging on your child and you’ll be better prepared with positive strategies for when the waters of adolescence begin to churn. Most of all, kids secretly want their parents to exert parental authority and remain in that role, so don’t disappoint them.

Don’t Push off When You Receive the Brush Off

Listening is one of your best weapons in the fight for right in the life of your child. Spend more time listening than offering your own opinion. Wait for your teen to invite you or ask for your advice, before blurting it out or lecturing. Learn to be quieter, to sit and to listen to your teen’s heart. This will communicate, without words, that they are valuable and accepted, even when they or you are upset or distressed.

Be Watchful

A normal part of growing up is the need to feel acceptance and love not only within the family but by peers. As teens attempt to find a place among their peers, loosen the reins a little, but remain watchful. Continue to have a presence in their life – not one that dominates, but one that guides and limits when necessary, and sets free and soars when appropriate. Learn how to use the tools of their trade (text messaging, cell phones, social networking) to stay in touch. Call them for reasons other than telling them where to go or what to do. And spend the time. Go with them to new places they’ll enjoy, and take along one of their friends. Invite their friends into your home and you’ll be letting their friends learn your values and know how much you care. Offer teens freedom, but only as they are willing to take responsibility, and be watchful for signs of maturity and growth all along the way, allowing you to reward them with more freedoms.

Remain Connected

All too often I see a huge disconnect between parents and teens, and my goal is to help parents find ways to bridge that connection. Teens desire to remain connected to their parents, even if they don’t show it. The goal is to help parents of teens to move from always correcting their child to helping them make decisions that will lead to maturity, even if they at first make mistakes. Allow pre-established consequences to do the correcting, not your anger or disapproval.

Don’t Ever Quit: Be to your child what God is to you, an ever-present help in time of need. If you consider the times God has propped you up, helped you out, caused you to grow, or disciplined you in order to get you to a better place in life, then you will easily understand how to view your role. Nurturing a child the way God nurtures us requires grace. And grace includes the determination to never, ever give up on your child, even when they seemingly give up on you. Don’t ever quit.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR