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Christmas Without Conflict

The song says, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” But for many families, this is the most chaotic, conflict-filled and crisis-inducing time of year. This wonderful holiday, when we celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace, is often anything but peaceful in homes with teenagers. The good news is that even with the extra stress and pressure that comes along with the holiday season, you can have Christmas without the conflict. (Yes, it is the season of miracles!)

The key to having a Christmas without conflict is to not forsake good parenting skills. You may be taking off several days from work for the holiday, but you can’t take off from being a parent. So don’t slack off. Focus on maintaining a solid relationship while still honoring your rules, even if your teen calls you “Scrooge” or “Grinch.”

The Power of “Nevertheless”

When a conflict begins, respond by agreeing with your teen in some way, while holding your ground in regard to enforcing the rules. Let me share with you one of my favorite words when it comes to managing conflict; the word is, “nevertheless.”

Sweetheart, I’m aware your friends think this is a great movie, and they may be right, nevertheless… our rule for that is that we don’t go to R-rated movies.

Darlin’, you may have merit for being upset and I’d probably be upset too, nevertheless… our rule is that everyone in our family is required to be respectful of one another, even when we’re angry.

Son, I’m sorry you don’t like the new curfew rule. I didn’t either when I was a teen, nevertheless… our rule is that curfew is midnight.

Handling Christmas conflicts in a more intentional way sends your child the message – “Honey, I love you and I understand why you feel the way you do, but we’re still going to live according to our household rules. If you choose to disregard the rules, consequences will follow.”

Remind Them of Consequences

Rather than leaving your child to wonder about the consequences, those should have been determined and communicated to them in advance. How else can the teen properly choose? They can’t. They need to be able to say to their peers, “If I do that, I’ll lose my car for a month,” or, “If I’m late now, my curfew will be even earlier for a month.”

But you’d be surprised at the number of ways parents avoid enforcing consequences. Make it a rule for yourself, if nothing else — the consequences I’ve communicated to my teen will be enforced, one way or another. Get some outside help with structuring the consequences if you need it. And, always present a united front with your spouse. Beyond the normal rules and boundaries for curfew and chores and such, there should also be some rules you may not have thought about.

For instance:

We MUST Spend Time Together

Your relationship with your teen needs time to develop in a way that moves beyond entertaining them or simply providing for them. Christmas is a great time for building memories and doing things together. But if your kids are spending the entire holiday season at parties, games and functions with their friends, the family relationship will suffer.

Get a calendar and determine in advance what days and times the family will be doing certain activities. This allows your teens the freedom to “fill in” the schedule with other things around the family rather than competing with it. And giving them the freedom to make their choices for the open dates lets them feel an important level of control over their own lives.

Everyone Listens

Some of the best advice I give dads and moms is encompassed in a simple mandate: Keep Quiet! Instead of always nagging, correcting, cajoling, or critiquing – just be quiet. Look for opportunities to lead into a discussion where you can ask your teen to explain their point of view, their solution to a problem, or how they arrived at a conclusion, then allow them to talk. Don’t try to correct their thinking – just let them talk.

Some parents just need to zip it. They need to turn the table and allow their teen to ask questions for a change. Teenagers today need to know someone will truly listen to them and not judge them for what is said. So sharpen your own listening habits, and your teens may grow as well. The point is, make your home a place where everyone listens and enforce it as a rule.

Lighten Up! That’s an Order!

Some families need to learn to laugh together as much or more than anything else. Christmas can be a great time for fun. Making cookies or gingerbread houses isn’t just for little kids. Watching Dad’s elaborate construction fall apart or Mom “decorating” by putting frosting on his nose are things that open doors to more than just immediate laughter… they create an atmosphere your kids will want to be in.

Parents today take themselves and their teens way too seriously, at times. Let your kids see just how goofy you can really become, and make it a goal to make someone in your family laugh every day. Bring some fun things into your home, be impetuous, and smile a little more.

A Relationship That Doesn’t Stop

Your teen needs the kind of relationship that doesn’t stop even if they overstep the boundaries (and there will be times when they do). At all times, keep reminding your teen: “There’s nothing you can do to make me love you less, and nothing you can do to make me love you more. In other words, to do something wrong won’t end our relationship. I will love you just the same regardless of your actions, but that doesn’t mean I won’t enforce consequences for breaking the rules.”

What your child wants more than anything else is to have more freedom, while also having a solid relationship with you. If you plan the events of the Christmas season, they will be able to experience the benefits of freedom without destroying the beauty of “peace on earth.”

May your home be filled with peace, laughter, joy and love. Merry Christmas!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Teens Can Learn By Your Mistakes

Do you understand what your teenager is thinking? Probably not. Maybe you wonder if your teenager is thinking at all! Though the evidence may suggest otherwise, your teenager is probably thinking too much about the world around them and wondering too much about how they will fit in.

A teenager’s culture can dramatically affect how they think and act. And today’s culture is far different from when you and I were teenagers. What’s similar is their need to fit in and to be liked by their peers, which can trump all other needs in their life. But can you appreciate the unusual pressures they face today, like their wondering if the economy will ever recover and whether or not they’ll get a job, go to college, or have what you had in life?

So it would be a good exercise today to at least try to understand where they are coming from and to walk in their shoes for a day. You’ll then begin to understand that it can be a very daunting world for them. They live in a cultural universe that is absent moral absolutes; devoid of values, and where integrity is conditional. Often a teenager’s behavior is simply mirroring that culture without the teen ever realizing its effect on them. And nowadays, that culture isn’t across town, or in another city — it beams into your home through the Internet, cell phone instant messaging and texting, video games and television. As a result, choices that seem perfectly fine to your teenager can counter just about everything you hold dear.

Expressing how badly you continue to feel about your own poor decisions at that age can teach a teenager a lot about how to avoid similar mistakes. More than ever, kids are in desperate need of parents who are willing to be a bit vulnerable in sharing their own failures. That’s where transparency comes in. Teens can learn volumes from how you handled or mishandled decisions when you were the same age. You see, it’s important to help your teen understand that mistakes are a part of growing up, and everyone makes them, but some mistakes are best avoided.

When you acknowledge your own imperfections and the lessons learned from your own mistakes, it builds a bridge to your teenager. So talk with remorse about those moments in the past when you blew it.

Being genuine and transparent also means communicating that you still aren’t perfect. For instance, if you’ve recently failed your teen in some way, such as yelling at them inappropriately or maybe even being hypocritical about the rules in your home, then ask their forgiveness! Don’t make excuses; admit it, and maybe even assign some consequences to yourself! Better yet, ask them what the consequences should be for your failure. When you are wrong, just be wrong, and accept the consequences. When a teen understands that his parents aren’t perfect, it gives him freedom to confess his own failings and also to identify his own need for a Savior.

Like it or not, you as parents are accountable for being an example to your children, who will assimilate that example into their own lives when they are older. Be assured, they are watching you. And they’ll learn the right or wrong way to deal with decisions and failures by your example.

So my advice is to begin to appreciate the pressure points in your teenager’s world. You may not fully understand how your teenager thinks, or how different the culture is from when you were a teen, but when teens feel that their parents have at least tried to walk in their shoes, they’ll be more likely to open up and accept parental help in pointing them in a better direction.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Staying Ahead of the Turbulence

I’m blessed to work with teens and their families. It’s taught me more about parenting and how teens think today than I could have learned any other way. All parents have to go through the sometimes-bumpy teen years. There’s no way around it. So, in the dawning days of adolescence they often ask me, “How can I get ready for the turbulence ahead?”

Parenting is a Special Calling

Parents are placed into the authority role in the life of their child, and should consider that role as a calling from God. It’s tough to remain in a right relationship with a child that chooses a less inviting path through adolescence. But hang in there! Understand how today’s teen culture will begin tugging on your child and you’ll be better prepared with positive strategies for when the waters of adolescence begin to churn. Most of all, kids secretly want their parents to exert parental authority and remain in that role, so don’t disappoint them.

Don’t Push off When You Receive the Brush Off

Listening is one of your best weapons in the fight for right in the life of your child. Spend more time listening than offering your own opinion. Wait for your teen to invite you or ask for your advice, before blurting it out or lecturing. Learn to be quieter, to sit and to listen to your teen’s heart. This will communicate, without words, that they are valuable and accepted, even when they or you are upset or distressed.

Be Watchful

A normal part of growing up is the need to feel acceptance and love not only within the family but by peers. As teens attempt to find a place among their peers, loosen the reins a little, but remain watchful. Continue to have a presence in their life – not one that dominates, but one that guides and limits when necessary, and sets free and soars when appropriate. Learn how to use the tools of their trade (text messaging, cell phones, social networking) to stay in touch. Call them for reasons other than telling them where to go or what to do. And spend the time. Go with them to new places they’ll enjoy, and take along one of their friends. Invite their friends into your home and you’ll be letting their friends learn your values and know how much you care. Offer teens freedom, but only as they are willing to take responsibility, and be watchful for signs of maturity and growth all along the way, allowing you to reward them with more freedoms.

Remain Connected

All too often I see a huge disconnect between parents and teens, and my goal is to help parents find ways to bridge that connection. Teens desire to remain connected to their parents, even if they don’t show it. The goal is to help parents of teens to move from always correcting their child to helping them make decisions that will lead to maturity, even if they at first make mistakes. Allow pre-established consequences to do the correcting, not your anger or disapproval.

Don’t Ever Quit: Be to your child what God is to you, an ever-present help in time of need. If you consider the times God has propped you up, helped you out, caused you to grow, or disciplined you in order to get you to a better place in life, then you will easily understand how to view your role. Nurturing a child the way God nurtures us requires grace. And grace includes the determination to never, ever give up on your child, even when they seemingly give up on you. Don’t ever quit.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR