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5 Opportunities to Make the Best of the School Year with Your Teen

#543 – Student Story: Matt

with host Mark Gregston

Summer is nearly over and a new school year is just around the corner. So, what’s your game plan for making it the best school year yet?

This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston offers five ways to develop a meaningful relationship with your teen over the upcoming school year.

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Princesses and Bullies

It’s back to school time — the time of year I begin to hear concerns from parents of young girls who’ve just entered middle school. They send their princess off to school with her crown neatly polished and her entourage intact. But rarely do two princesses happily exist in the same place at the same time, much less hundreds converging on a first day at middle school. So, battle lines are drawn.

It can cause your daughter a lot of confusion when she suddenly realizes there are many princesses, all vying for the same kind of attention or acceptance. She may return home from her first day at middle school confused, lost, and full of hate for everything she once loved. She may feel like a boxer who has engaged in a boxing match all day.

The problem begins when all the princesses greet one another that first day. They quickly form alliances, choose their battlegrounds, exchange their phone numbers and email addresses. They size up the competition and silently determine their battle strategy for winning acceptance and attention for the rest of the year.

At this age, girls suddenly seem at odds with one another. They compete for territory, boundaries, position, and retention of the princess crown. What should be a cordial, socially controlled expansion of a young girl’s view of the world and broadening of her educational existence becomes an all out fight for popularity, and peer acceptance. I call it the “Princess Brawl.”

It is literally a fight to determine the pecking-order that gives position and value in the eyes of one’s peers.

The Appearance Tactic

A tactic young princesses often utilize is to change their own appearance to draw attention away from the competition, thus winning the popularity vote. Appearance is especially important in the life of teens, just as it was when we were growing up. But the growing influence of seduction and immorality has convinced young girls that they need to appear seductive to win popularity. It influences how they dress, how they think, and how they act. Seemingly good kids get caught in this fight as well.

You may find your own little princess disheartened. If she’s upset one day, don’t make too much of it, but try to lovingly find out what is troubling her. You can help best by providing an atmosphere of acceptance at home where she can process her difficulties in light of what you know is true about her character. If you see her trying the appearance tactic, think of ways to help her fit in without being immodest, thereby making her a less easy target for bullies.

The Bullying Tactic

Some girls will choose “mean girl madness” as a way to preserve their princess position, turning to bullying in an effort to gain ground. They use words to destroy reputations and to damage the competition’s self-confidence, as a way of increasing their own “king of the hill” standing.

Today’s technology intensifies and multiplies the cruel insults of bullies far beyond the school corridors. Girls use text messaging, e-mails, chat rooms, social networks, and instant messaging and can hide behind a veil of anonymity to unleash their attacks. In older days, it would have been like getting on the school-wide intercom to say nasty things about another person. Such hateful words can damage a tender heart for years, and as we’ve seen in the news time and time again, it can even lead a teen to suicide.

If your child is being bullied, she may need you to go the extra mile to protect her, including going to those in authority or to the parents. And she needs her mom and dad to be sensitive to what’s going on, to bring light into her darkness and allow her own to continue to shine — in spite of the attempts of others to snuff it out.

For the parents whose teen is the instigator of bullying, they should be quick to act to shut off access to the “tools of the trade,” including the internet and text messaging, until the teen learns to be more respectful of his or her peers. The repercussions of bullying can be quite serious for the teen and the parents, and can also do severe harm to the girls who are the targets.

In either case, parents of young teens should keep a close eye on their child’s online and text-messaging activities, warning the teen that any form of bullying or passing on falsehoods will be an immediate cause for having their digital communications tools taken away from them. If the teen isn’t willing to reveal what they’ve been saying online or texting, then take it away until they do. Remember, what’s said or shown on the internet can last for years, and it can affect the future of both the teller and the one who’s talked about.

One final word to the wise…just hours before posting this article, Google was ordered by a U.S. court to reveal the identity of someone who wrote inappropriate words online about a former model. The writer had kept his identity anonymous and thought he was safe – a classic case of what I call “digital courage.” But the court today – for the first time – forced Google to reveal the writer’s identity so that he could be taken to trial for defamation of character. Such a landmark ruling sets a precedent and opens the door to defamation of character lawsuits by anyone who feels he or she was wrongly spoken about on the internet. The days of “digital courage” could be over once “digital litigation” takes root. So, protect your teen, and your pocketbook, by getting their online comments under control.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Getting the School Year Started Right

Like New Year’s resolutions, the start of the school year is a perfect time for parents and teenagers to make resolutions in regard to goals, responsibilities, and expectations. It is an opportunity to think about what you and your teen hope to accomplish this year, but it is also a time to think about your household rules, making sure they are still age-appropriate (or appropriate according to the maturity of your teen).

Consider the environment your teen is about to enter. What precautions and advice can you give them? What should they avoid, and what should they strive for this year? How will this year affect their future, their college choices or their future career? Will this be an especially difficult transition year, such as moving to a new school or from junior high to high school? At such times, it is especially important to help make the transition as smooth as possible. I recommend visiting the school with an older student who is already familiar with the school as your tour guide, so your child can learn the ropes and understand what to expect, including the good, the bad and the ugly.

Get the Relationship Right

It is also a time to shore up your relationship with your teen. Be diligent in making one of your goals this school year to meet with them regularly, at least once a week. It can become more difficult as their schedule gets busier, but don’t allow their activities or friends to come between you. Make it a requirement to get together weekly at a restaurant or coffee shop; or better yet, go have some mutual fun together.

You’ll find that every time you meet with your teen you’ll learn something new about them, and your relationship will blossom. If your teen is a boy, keep in mind that boys will clam up if a parent expects them to look them in the eye when they talk. My friend Bill Ziegler, a middle school principal and frequent guest on our weekly radio program, says, “Boys communicate better when we’re side by side, versus face to face.” I find that boys also seem to process life while they are involved in an activity of some sort. So you’ll be most successful if you can find something fun to do together, all the while interjecting thought-provoking questions to keep the conversation going.

For girls, too, conversation naturally comes out of having fun together. Talking less during these activity times may be difficult for a parent, but when it comes to getting teenagers to open up to you, you can’t shut up too much. And be sure to prevent distractions during your time together. Don’t bring along friends or siblings. Don’t go to their regular hangout, where they’ll likely run into their friends. Don’t allow iPods or cell phones. And by all means, don’t announce the activity is for the purpose of having a talk. Just leave the space open and available while you are with them, to see what happens next. Then zip your lip, be quiet, and practice listening.

Your teen may never have a long discussion with you; it may just be the “instant message” version. But listen carefully, because what is said will probably be short and you’ll have to do some reading between the lines. Repeat back what you think they said, or ask a few quick questions to clarify what they meant. This will signify that you are really listening and wanting to understand them.

A number of things happen in the first few weeks of school. So it is no time for parents to back off after a long hot summer with their teen. In fact, I recommend that you double up your one on one meetings during the first month. Listen to what your teen has to say about their new teachers, their schedule and their peers. Perhaps they are already being bullied by someone, so it could be that they need to be quickly moved or the school officials told about the bullying. Getting it right in the first few weeks is critical, since you can still make changes in their schedule or classes before they get too far into the semester, and before they become discouraged.

School Is More Stressful Today

School has become a much more demanding environment for our kids these days. The pressures are significant to perform for others; socially, academically or athletically. So, take care in reviewing your teenager’s schedule. Don’t allow them to over-commit their time to school or other extra-curricular activities, including those at church. Adults will recruit them to commit to every spare second in their day to sports, clubs, music, or youth group, if you allow them. It’s up to you to help your teen prioritize their schedule, while giving them permission to cut out some things if it appears they are taking on too much. If they are unwilling to confront the people who are pushing them into a state of being over-committed, ask your teen’s permission to speak to them yourself.

Other kids will under-commit and avoid involvement in anything but what’s required. So you may need to help them by asking them to at least try out for a sport or a club or other activity that will broaden their horizons, give them a new skill, or put them in the company of a positive peer group. Remember, in the teen years one of the most important things you can do for your child is to help them find a positive peer group – so do whatever it takes.

Is Your Home a Place of Rest?

Finally, but no less important, be sure to take a close look at the environment in your home. Is it a place of rest for your teen, or does it just add to their stress? Having reasonable rules and chores won’t cause stress; it is when there is poor communication, excessive lecturing, bickering, and fighting. So, pick your battles wisely and major on the majors. Set aside the minor issues, especially during the first few weeks of school. When your teen gets home after school, allow them some time to kick back and find some rest, even if it is just playing a video game or going for a walk. They need to unwind, just like you do when you’ve had a stressful day.

I hope you use this time at the beginning of a new school year to recharge and regroup. Watch for signs of problems with your teen, especially during these first few weeks. If they get off course, it will likely be now as they are dealing with new teachers, new or suddenly “grown-up” peers, new pressures, and possibly a transition to a new school.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR