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Hopeless Teens and Suicide

Student Story: Jordan

Is your teen depressed, withdrawn or cutting himself off from friends and family? Don’t miss the subtle signs of emotional pain! This weekend on Parenting Today’s Teens, Mark Gregston discusses the serious signs of suicidal tendencies and how to take immediate action in order to avoid devastating consequences.

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When Your Teen is in the Wrong Crowd

If you swim with the sharks, you’re bound to get bit. One bad apple spoils the whole bushel. Bad company corrupts good character. Many parents have added these phrases to their lexicon, because they illustrate the dangers of running with the “wrong crowd”. As moms and dads, we know how susceptible kids are to peer influence. You’ve likely spent many sleepless nights worrying about the people your child is hanging around. What are they teaching my son? What are they pressuring my daughter to do? Are these friends that will give needed support and encouragement to my teen, or are they the type of people who will bring my child down?

These are valid concerns if you suspect your child is hanging out with the wrong crowd. But let’s pause for a moment and ask just who is the “wrong crowd?” Here’s a simple definition we can use: The “wrong crowd” includes anyone who influences your child in ways that are contradictory to your values, systems, and beliefs as parents.

When parents observe changes in their teen and note the actions and attitudes of their friends, they may arrive at the conclusion, “my teen is in league with some bad seeds.” When this happens, how do we gently guide our teens away from negative influences? My advice may not be what you might expect.

Teach Your Kids

As parents, part of our job is to protect our kids. We try to shield them from negative influences as much as possible. We’re not going to let our 12-year-old daughter hang around 18-year-old girls who smoke pot and sleep with their boyfriends. We have to shield our child’s innocence until they are mature enough to make wise decisions on their own. It would be foolish to let young children spend time with people who have serious hang-ups. But at some point, we must stop protecting our kids and start preparing them to make wise choices when choosing friends. If all we are doing is holding our kids back from this or that person, we are not equipping them to make smart decisions once they are free of our control.

While every child is different, here is a basic guideline for starting that relational training:

0–13 years old: Get to know and closely monitor your child’s friends. If your son or daughter is running with the wrong crowd this early, change schools, move houses, or pull your child from certain activities. At this age, they still need to have their innocence protected.
14–17 years old: Continue to monitor your child’s friends, but begin to slowly back off from controlling their relationships. If you have concerns about the people they are spending time with, talk with your kids about the problems you see. Also, set personal and family boundaries regarding the kind of behavior that is acceptable among friends and the kind that is not.
18+ years old: At this age, young people must be responsible for their own choices, including their choices in friends. If they are living with you, they must follow the rules of the house. But if they are on their own, all you can do is let them know you are available to talk and give advice if they ever feel they need it.

As you train your teen to use discernment when choosing friends, you can help them along by asking good questions. For instance, you can ask, “I’m curious; would you ever drink and drive? Do you know someone who has? Did they think it was a good idea? Do you?” Or you can ask, “Has anyone offered you drugs? What crossed your mind in that moment?” These types of questions are effective because they help your child articulate their values, beliefs, and convictions. And if they ever get into a situation similar to the one you have discussed, chances are they will remember, “Hey, I remember telling my mom (or dad) that I don’t believe in drinking and driving. I’m going to pass.” By asking good questions, you are helping your child build up those decision-making muscles that will serve them well, whether they have good friends or not.

Embrace the “Bad” Kids

We have welcomed more than 2,500 teens to the Heartlight campus over the years. All of the teens that walk through our doors would generally be included in what most people consider, the “wrong crowd.” But I love them all to death. Despite the numerous kids who have come through our program, I have yet to meet a “bad kid.” Now, I have met some strong-willed kids. I have helped teens with deep-seated problems and issues. But there isn’t one child who is beyond help. As moms and dads, we may spend a lot of time avoiding the “bad kids” and encouraging our children to do the same. But as Christians, we are called to minister to people in need. And who needs a helping hand more than a teen who is hurtling off the tracks at 90 miles an hour?

I remember taking a group of my Heartlight kids to church one Sunday. As our large group walked through the doors, I could feel the eyes turning in our direction and I could sense the shuffling in the seats. The congregants knew I was coming with teens who carried a lot of baggage. We sat in the back, and tried not to disrupt the service. But my heart broke when the pastor starting talking about a mission trip to Africa and their upcoming service to an orphanage in that part of the world. I felt like standing up and saying, “But there are kids RIGHT HERE who you need your compassion!” I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with mission trips to Africa. What I am saying is that there are kids who need to be the focus of our “mission” right here in all of our back yards.

Instead of running from the wrong crowd, let’s run towards them! Turn your home into a safe, loving, and fun place where teens can hang out and interact. Provide alternatives for your kids and their friends. Invite them to watch a ball game. Pack up enough supplies, and take a group fishing. Let them set up their band in your garage. Set aside a weekend, and go camping with your kids and their friends. In this way, not only will you be providing a healthy outlet for teens to have fun, but they will be under your watch and protection. Rather than cautioning your teen to side step the problem kids, take initiative and be the mentor, leader, or life coach they need.

Maybe your son or daughter has some friends with emotional, physical, or spiritual issues. To pull away from these kids may mean we are running from the mission field God has for us! The Proverbs 31 woman is a role model for all us. God’s Word says that “she opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy” (Proverbs 31:20). Are there hurting and needy kids in your teen’s circle of friends? Open up your arms, and embrace that “wrong crowd.”

Be The Change

When you began to read this article, you probably thought that I would offer some suggestions about how to avoid the wrong crowd. Maybe you are a bit surprised at my approach to this topic. But please hear me out; no matter where you go, where you live, or who you know—there will always be a “wrong crowd” to worry about. So rather than spend all your time playing defense trying to block the bad kids from your teens, start playing the offense. Start influencing the “bad kids” yourself. And teach your teen to do the same. In that way, you won’t avoid the wrong crowd, you will change them!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Pull Out All the Stops to Help Your Teen

For parents, there is no worse feeling than watching your child spin out of control while nothing you do seems to make any difference. If your teenager’s behavior is giving you feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and fear, I would like to offer you some suggestions.

First, stop what you are doing and start a new way of thinking in regard to how you are handling the situation. Albert Einstein defined insanity as “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If your home is feeling a little “insane” these days, perhaps you need to change how it operates.

Start in a new direction by first talking to others, like your friends, pastor, youth minister, your parents, your child’s teachers, and the rest of the family. You need to gain wisdom and a sense of reality regarding the situation. Are you blowing it out of proportion, or perhaps not even noticing how bad it has become? Is your teenager just acting out at home, or are they behaving even worse when away from home? People around you will know, and they can help you gain perspective.

Accepting the reality of the problem is difficult for some parents. They won’t acknowledge it because to them it would be accepting responsibility for failure. Others tend to see just the good and believe no wrong in their children. They are blinded to what everyone around them can already see; that is, until it becomes a full blown crisis or tragedy. So when you come to a right “realization,” don’t hesitate to begin your search for a resolution by validating your suspicions with those around you. They know what’s going on and will be glad that you finally see the light.

WHAT IS AN “OUT OF CONTROL TEEN”? An out of control teenager is one who doesn’t appear to have the internal ability to function within established boundaries and rules of the home or society. Their behaviors, if allowed to continue, could have dangerous or grave consequences for them physically, for their future, or for your family.

When it is Time to Act

I’m sure you wish this situation wasn’t at your doorstep. But it is, so you have to act on your child’s behalf. And no matter how lonely it might be, or how difficult it might appear; no matter what your child’s response, you must act quickly.

STEP ONE: INVESTIGATE

It is critical to ask questions to get to the root of what is causing your child’s change in behavior. Is he depressed? Is he being bullied, abused, or using drugs or alcohol? Has a major loss happened in your family recently? Most of the time, parents find out way too late about underlying causes of a child’s behavior. Communication is key at this time. If the lines of communication are down, then re-establish them—forcing communication if need be. Require time from your child to discuss how they’re doing before you pay their next car insurance bill, give them gas money, or hand over the keys to the car. Determine to establish the lines of communication and make sure you ask lots of questions.

Find out how your child is acting outside of the home. Talk to your child’s teachers and coaches, kids at church, your own parents, your siblings, their siblings, your friends, their friends, their youth minister and just about anyone who has had contact with your child. See if they have any insights into why your child’s behavior has changed. In fact, if your teen’s friends show up at your home, don’t be afraid to ask them what’s going on. Some will be honest, as they might be just as concerned as well. Just make sure you ask questions, and ask everyone to be honest with you.

STEP TWO: SET BOUNDARIES

Establish and communicate clear boundaries for behavior by all members of your family (not just your wayward teen). Determine what you hold to be true and the principles upon which you will base your rules for living. Communicate and live by these boundaries, rather than “shooting from the hip” every time something comes up. Make a policy and procedure manual for your home, so everyone knows what to expect. Spend some time determining how you want to live and put some feet to it to ensure that all understand those boundaries.

STEP THREE: ESTABLISH AND ENFORCE CONSEQUENCES

Once boundaries are in place, there must be reasonable consequences for inappropriate behavior, and they must be enforced, or your credibility goes right out the window. And keep in mind that they must be enforced for all members of the family, not just your teen, so they don’t feel singled out.

Parents today tend to be so relational that they find it hard to send a strong message to “not go this way” for fear of losing their relationship. But what most parents don’t understand is that kids do want direction, correction and help in moving through the transition to adulthood. Tom Landry once said, “A coach makes people do things they don’t want to do so they can get to a place where they do want to be.” Parents must do the same for their children.

STEP FOUR: GET OUTSIDE HELP

“He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.” — Chinese Proverb

Perhaps your child’s issues are deeper and they’ll need professional counseling or medication to get through it. And maybe you’ll need counseling to get through it as well. Find a good Christian counselor that specializes in teen behavior, and trust what they recommend. If you’re going to pick and choose the counsel you receive, then you’ll more than likely just continue to do what you want, and your child will continue to spin out of control. Don’t let old beliefs about medicine control your new decisions that have to be made for your child. If your child is depressed or anxious, has ADD, or OCD, can’t sleep at night, is bi-polar, or has a true mental condition that demands medication, don’t let your outdated boundaries prevent your child from getting help from something that is essential to their well being.

Hospitalization may even be needed if you feel that your child is a danger to himself or herself. Extreme cutting, eating disorders, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol abuse are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization. Don’t hesitate to hospitalize your child just because you don’t know what it is. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

When Nothing is Working

In the event that your teen is running away or otherwise hitting bottom, and counseling is going nowhere, you may need to place your teen in a therapeutic program outside of your home for a time. This is not the time to spend mulling over where your parenting has gone wrong. It’s time for action, when your child could damage his life and possibly make choices with grave consequences. After you’ve had time to get good counsel (hopefully from quite a few people) and you’ve had some time to think it through, start to put an intervention plan into action.

A therapeutic program or facility away from home will get them away from their peers, drugs and other influences. It will give the whole family a time of rest and regrouping. It will offer the teen a fresh perspective and a concentrated, focused way of dealing with their issues. Yes, it’s a “last ditch” effort, to be initiated when all other options and attempts to help your child have been exhausted, but for some kids, it can be a lifesaver. Over the past 20 years, some 3,000 kids have come to live with us at Heartlight (www.heartlightministries.org) for 9-12 months at a time. We work with them daily in a relational way to change their thinking and ambitions to more positive pursuits.

All therapeutic programs are not the same, and there is very little regulation or standards in therapeutic care for youth. So do your homework. Check out each program’s professional references. Call the local Better Business Bureau to see if there have been any complaints. Get a list and call the parents who have had their child in the program recently. If the program won’t allow you to call parents, then that may be a sign to look elsewhere. And make sure the list they supply is made up of real parents, not just people trained to convince you to enroll in that program.

A therapeutic program isn’t an easy or inexpensive option for parents. It can cost tens of thousands of dollars. No doubt, it will be one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever have to make. But one statement I hear from kids and from their parents over and over is this: “If I (they) didn’t come to Heartlight, I think I (they) would have been dead or in prison by now.”

It’s a harsh reality to send a child off to be cared for elsewhere. But that reality pales when you consider the possibilities or outcomes of your child’s current behavior and how such behavior could ruin his or her life. What you are giving him or her is something that can’t be found in the current home setting. You are loving them in a way that perhaps you haven’t loved them before. It’s tough to think that they’ll have to miss some of their time in the local high school, and may never graduate there. But it’s a good decision if it will save your child.

Don’t ignore what is happening in your family. Though you undoubtedly hope it will just go away, it won’t likely do so without a major change in the way your home operates, or placement of the teen in a therapeutic program away from home, especially if the behavior has already been going on for many months. And if you think the problem will disappear when your child turns 18, think again. It won’t disappear; it will likely get worse and linger well into adulthood if it is not dealt with earlier. Just envision the chaos in your home from having your teenager still living with you at age 35, either because they continue to be addicted to drugs or they can’t find a job because they were arrested and have a record. That’s a reality in more homes today than you might imagine.

Consider this…If God’s timing is perfect, and I believe it is, these issues are happening at this time in your life for a reason. So take advantage of it, and do what you need to do. And know that this time of trouble will one day be over. II Corinthians 4:17 states, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” I would put an emphasis on “momentary.” This struggle may last awhile, but it won’t last long – not if you take the necessary steps to correct it now.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR