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Possibly the Greatest Teen Parenting Mistake

Well-intentioned parents, doing as they have always done to protect their children when they were young, often circle the wagons and marshal control when their teenager makes a mistake in judgment. Others keep their wagons circled all the time, never giving up any control to the teenager in the first place. Such parents then wonder why their teenager rebels against them or lacks maturity.

It’s natural for parents to believe that trouble can be avoided by keeping their teenager always in sight, by fixing their every problem, and by generally keeping them under their control. But I’ve learned that teens mature quicker when parents take steps in the early teen years to give up some of the control they have over their teen’s life.

Learn to Let Go!

Do you have the habit of picking up the slack, covering all the bases, answering all the questions, solving all the problems, and making everything easy for your teen? If so, you might not be doing your teenager any favors. Instead, you may just be keeping your teenager immature, dependent and powerless.

If you want your child to grow up, and he’s reached the teen years, you may have to learn to let go. You may have to get out of the way. It boils down to one very simple concept — the best way to empower your teenager is to share the power you’ve always had over him, allowing him more and more power and responsibility for making his own decisions.

Hold Them Accountable

Responsibility becomes an internal life force when parents empower a child to make decisions, line out their options, define the consequences, and then let them choose.

If your teenager is fully capable of doing well, communicate that belief to him by giving him more freedoms. Fortunately, most teens want to take control of things in their life — so let them. As you back off, let your teenager know they will be given even more freedoms if they handle the first steps well. And make it clear that you will remain in the role of the enforcer of consequences, should they break the rules. Such consequences could include losing some of their newfound freedoms and losing some of your trust.

Then, let them make their own choices, and also let them bear the full responsibility for those choices. Line out their options, define the consequences for bad decisions, and then let them choose. Don’t rescue them by not enforcing consequences for their poor choices. And equally as important, don’t forget to congratulate and reward them for making good choices!

The Power of Empowerment

As you learn to let go, your teen’s expectations will shift away from leaning on you to run their life and fix everything for them (including their mistakes), to the understanding that they are the ones responsible for how things turn out. They’ll surely make many mistakes before they begin to understand what good decision-making looks like. And they may even try every trick in the book to get you to rescue them out of their poor choices. But don’t do it! Hold them responsible, just as they will some day be held accountable as an adult.

Give Them Something to Be Responsible For

Teenagers don’t become responsible or learn to think more maturely by accident. They learn from being in situations where responsibility and maturity is expected and modeled. That’s why I highly recommend to parents that they get their child into a part-time job throughout the teen years, and particularly one that is service-oriented. Probably the biggest mistake of schools today is when they keep kids so busy with after school activities, that there is no time for a job in which teens can learn responsibility. Outside of what Mom and Dad are expecting of them, nothing can teach a teenager about life and making a livelihood than a job can, whether they need the money or not. Kids who get their first job after they graduate from high school are at a disadvantage and have a lot of catch-up to do in the area of maturity.

The right job for just a few hours each week can be a perfect training ground for a teenager, teaching people-skills, money-management, time-management, and even helping the teenager determine what she does or doesn’t want to do after high school. Skills learned on a part-time job can also help the teen appreciate their education and encourage them to seek more education after high school so they won’t have to continue serving hamburgers, washing cars, or being a lifeguard their entire life.

When to Take Back Full Parental Power

Now, let me address the family dealing with a teen who is already spinning out of control or is addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, or other harmful substances or behaviors. This situation is entirely different. In this day and age, a child choosing to self-destruct or to live a dangerous lifestyle could end up in serious trouble, or could even die. In this case, empowerment shifts back to the parent, who must intervene and retake decisive control, since the teen’s lifestyle is actually controlling the teenager at this point.

An old Jewish proverb says, “Don’t meet troubles half-way.” Give it all your attention now, or it could take more than you can give later. And you’ll be powerless when they become an adult. Take whatever measures are necessary to ensure his safety and do it now. It is up to you to create a solution, such as counseling or substance abuse treatment. And you, too, will need to surround yourself with good counsel and a group of godly friends who are willing to pray with you and encourage you.

Then, with a plan in hand and with all the power you can muster, communicate this message: “Honey – we love you. Nothing you do or say will make us love you any less, and nothing you do or say will make us love you any more. But we are not going to live like this anymore. Since you are not making the right choices on your own, here is what will change in your life, as of today…” And then stick to your plan. There’s nothing that will ruin your future ability to get such a teen back on track than to not follow through the first time.

Small Bumps Are Temporary

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things — I Corinthians 13:11 (KJV).

Maybe you are just having some small bumps in the road with your teenager. Let me assure you, most immature behavior is just that — immaturity. They will grow out of it as they mature and as they come up against the consequences for wrong decisions. And they’ll mature more quickly if you empower them to take on more responsibility for their own life. Give them ample opportunity to make errors in judgment early on, when you still have some control over them in your home.

Letting go doesn’t mean backing off completely. It simply means allowing the teenager to make more and more decisions on their own, and to have more and more freedoms. When they make mistakes, or overstep your household boundaries, it is still a parent’s responsibility to dole out the consequences as a means of discipline, which will prevent them from making the same mistake again and again. For that is how teenagers learn.

So, what have you done today to encourage and empower your teenager to put away their childish immaturity?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

Proper Response to Teen Rule-breaking

When a teen breaks the rules, they need a responsible adult to respond, not react. To respond is to offer calmness, honesty, love, grace and support while seeking to correct the misbehavior. However, to react is to become emotional, angry, hurt, quick to judge, and often harsh.

Knee-jerk reactions are almost always counterproductive. We have all done it. Our teen comes home two hours past curfew. We have been waiting up, worrying about all the possible horrible reasons for him being late; we’re an emotional wreck at this point. Then he calmly waltzes in, and ignores us sitting in the chair. That does it! Our brain seems to turn off. We feel disrespected and start yelling. “Where have you been?” “I’ve been waiting up for hours.” “How dare you!”

An “ounce of prevention” is spending time with your teen on a regular basis rather than force-feeding a “pound of cure” when issues arise.

Reacting to your teen will probably never give you the change you intended or wanted. Responding properly can be difficult and takes lots of practice. Counting to ten is good, but then what? Parents of teens must learn to stop their mouths, think about what needs to be done, and only then should they speak or act. So, “Stop, Think, Act” is the plan.

You cannot ignore or overlook inappropriate behavior. You must respond based on what you know is true – your faith, your own beliefs, and what you know is best for your child. You might be dealing with just an ice cube, or you might have just touched on the tip of the iceberg of what’s going on in your teen’s life, so don’t burn bridges with harsh reactions.

Stand your ground concerning the boundaries, and follow through on consequences, but strive to get through it all with your relationship intact. Then your teen will learn to respect the healthy boundaries you’ve put into place in his life, and in the future will continue to come to you whenever he is struggling.

In fact, take advantage of the “opportunity” before you to deepen your relationship. For instance, set up a weekly breakfast or dinner with just him. Be sure to mostly listen, not talk. Begin and end your discussion with making sure he understands that there is nothing he can do to make you love him more, and there’s nothing he can do to make you love him less. Don’t be afraid to ask him the hard questions. Your goal should be to establish a solid relationship and to encourage ongoing discussions; as a result, other things he is struggling with will be revealed.

What I’ve found is that most kids who appear to be spinning out of control are really good kids that are just making some poor choices. Poor because their actions will take them to a place where they don’t want to end up.

If this describes recent happenings with your teen, I’m sure that you’ll get over this “bump in the road.” And one day you’ll thank God for not only getting you through it, but allowing you to endure it to the point of producing a new depth of relationship with your child.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Picking Up The Broken Pieces of Shattered Trust

Trust is a valuable and fragile commodity. In the economy of family relationships, trust is both given and received as parents and teens gingerly pass it back and forth. When these trust transactions are handled properly, relationships grow and thrive. But Mom and Dad—don’t hold on to that commodity too tightly, because your teenage son or daughter will break it. It’s really not a question of “if,” it’s a question of “when.” At some point, you’ll place your trust in the hands of your teenage child, and they’ll drop it and shatter it into pieces.

I’m not just being dramatic here. After four decades of working with, talking and listening to teens and their parents, I know from experience that kids will make mistakes. Disappoint you. Maybe even break your heart. And this is regardless of temperament, personality, or even consequences. But if you’re prepared for having your trust broken, you’ll be miles of ahead of the parents who are still sitting there open-mouthed and shocked.

So how do you prepare and deal with the disappointment coming your way?

Keep the Relationship

Here are the usual responses I hear from parents when their teen blows it—

I can’t believe you didn’t know better!

I thought we had a good relationship!

I don’t know if I can ever trust you again!

How could you do such a thing? You know better!

I don’t know why you would disrespect me in this way.

These types of phrases express your emotions in the moment, but can be misinterpreted by your teen. When a child breaks your trust, don’t let the mistake interfere with your relationship. When you tell your son, “I thought we were close,” what he hears is, “Our relationship is ruined.” In your daughter’s mind, saying “I’m so disappointed with you right now,” is interpreted to mean, “I can’t love you.” Of course, as adults, we realize that teens may read something into our words that we didn’t put there. But perception is nine-tenths of reality. And caught in the moment when his mistakes are being unearthed, a teen may hear your words of anger and hurt as an indicator that he’s lost some of your love and compassion.

Always move towards your children, even when they have betrayed your trust. Explain clearly that there is nothing they could do to make you love them more, and nothing they could do to make you love them less. Don’t let their mistake impact the connection between you and your son or daughter. The best way to avoid this is to tell them openly—“I’m upset right now, but I want you to know, I love you. And nothing you can do will ever change that!”

Acknowledge the Pain

Just because you move toward your child when they break your trust, doesn’t mean you have to hide the pain. I get hurt by kids all the time. I’ve been lied too, stolen from, sworn at and used. I may put on a strong demeanor, but inside I’m crushed. There is no way to dull the pain when your teenager breaks your heart. So be disappointed. Be upset. Be angry, even. But talk to someone about what you’re experiencing. You can’t bottle up those emotions, and your child may not be able to handle hearing how they’ve injured you. Grab a spouse, a friend, a pastor or a counselor, and let them know, “what my child did really hurt me!” Get it out in the open and let those wounds heal in the clean air of a safe relationship. If you let your feelings fester inside you, the pain will build and you’ll slowly start resenting your teen for the mistakes they’ve made. Acknowledge the hurt and the frustration and deal with it, and you’ll have the emotional energy to return to your teen with love and grace.

Set Up Your Beliefs

Sometimes a child will break our trust without even knowing about it. It happens when we cling to unspoken rules or guidelines in the house, and expect our teens to instinctively understand them. Trust me; if that’s the way your home operates, you’ll find yourself disappointed over and over again.

Even if your child is 17 and ready to leave home, I recommend setting up a belief system for your house. Sit down and clearly define and discuss the rules and expectations every person in the house must adhere to. That includes curfews, dating parameters, the kind of language spoken in the house, and the use of social media. Openly state what you believe about honesty, respect, compassion and having fun with the family. Once you’ve set up your specific belief system, follow up by explaining some pre-determined consequences that will come into effect should those rules be broken.

This takes away the surprise when your teen strays out of bounds and has to deal with the results. Once household rules and beliefs are understood, the penalties won’t seem to come out of left field.

The kids at Heartlight understand that the rules we have in place are for their own protection and the safety of others. They also understand the consequences of breaking those rules. I have to stifle a laugh when a kid comes up to me and says, “Well, I know I have yard cleanup duty this week.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, because I was disrespectful to some of the staff.”

They may not like all the rules we have in place, but our teens don’t really complain about the results, because they knew ahead of time what was expected and what the consequences are should they go rogue.

Allow Dreams to Be Crushed

We all have hopes and aspirations for our children. No dad wants his daughter to be an unwed teen mother. No mom is hoping her son will spend some time in jail. Our dreams for our teens include visions of happy families, productive lives and meaningful careers. But sometimes when a teen breaks our trust, a dream may die. The goals we set for our son or daughter start to wither away. That’s a rather hopeless feeling, and it compounds the pain.

But Mom and Dad, let me encourage you to let those dreams die. God has a plan for your teen, and it may be radically different than what you had in mind.

I’ll always remember getting a call from my son telling me that he and his wife were getting a divorce due to an affair. My heart was crushed as I watched my son break not only my trust, but his wife’s as well. My dream for him was leveled in a few minutes on a brief phone call. But God redeemed my son, and now his ex-wife is married to a good man, my son is married to a lovely young lady, and I have some beautiful grandbabies to prove it!

Here’s the point: God can take your broken trust and crushed dreams and transform them into something beyond your wildest expectations. Maybe the life you envisioned for your son or daughter is not coming to pass. That’s okay. God is still in control, and He’s not finished with you or your child yet. Let go of those aspirations, and find hope in what God is doing in your teen’s life.

I wish I could give you practical steps to prevent your child from breaking your trust. But that is never going to happen. As parents, all we can do is prepare for and deal with mistakes as they happen; moving towards our children in the midst of the pain and allowing God to guide our future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR