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Confronting Your Teen’s Mistakes

“The difference between the exact right words and the almost right words is like the difference between lightning bugs and lightning bolts.” — Mark Twain

Avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations helps maintain a solid relationship while effectively confronting your teen’s mistakes.

I haven’t met a teen yet who doesn’t want to know they will continue to be loved when they’ve made mistakes. Loving someone seems easy when everything is going well. It’s a quite different matter when your teen breaks your rules, and their life spins out of control. In those times, the best way to demonstrate your continual love for them is to take care in the way you confront their misbehavior, avoiding toxic words and wrong motivations.

The first step is to let your teen know why you are confronting their misbehavior. It is that you love them and want to help them avoid bigger problems later in life. Demonstrate your respect for them by your demeanor, assuring them that you will move toward them in times of difficulty and struggle, not away from them. Tell them that you can’t possibly love them any more than you do, and you’ll never love them any less, not even when they are at their worst.

Be mindful that your teen knows what they have done, and it’s already uncomfortable for them without adding verbal or emotional fireworks. Focus on fixing the behavior, not the person. Remember, behaviors can be changed, but people rarely do.

Keep the word “you” to a minimum when talking to your teen, other than when praising them or saying positive things about their character. For instance, instead of “You broke curfew,” say, “Curfew was broken.” It seems like a little thing, but as soon as you use the word “you,” the teen feels as though they are being attacked personally.

Also avoid using definitive words like “never,” and “always,” in such discussions. Statements like “You never listen to me,” or, “You always come home late,” attack their character, not the behavior. The more you attack their character, the more likely they’ll feel the need to defend themselves and their actions in return. They may even begin identifying with the behavior and work hard to live up to it, thinking “I’m just the black sheep of the family.” So make it clear that they have it within them to do better; that they are a better person than their behavior is demonstrating.

Getting what you want from a discussion with your teen has nothing to do with how right you are and how wrong they are. It has everything to do with your motivation and approach. Ask yourself, “Will my approach move this discussion to a positive resolution, or away from it?” “Could my words increase our mutual respect for one another, or decrease it?” And finally, “Will my words encourage my teen to improve, or encourage them to just hide their behavior from me in the future?”

So, be sure to also check your attitude and hurt feelings at the door before approaching your teen about an issue that needs to be addressed. Focus on what you are trying to accomplish, not on how you feel about the situation. Inappropriate motivations can all too easily sneak into your conversation, which will interfere with bringing about positive results.

Here are inappropriate motivations to be avoided:

To unload your frustration.

Don’t dump on your teen, they’ll resent it. They probably already have enough frustrations of their own.

To prove yourself right and your teen wrong.

It is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, it is a matter of dealing with the matter at hand, and solving the problem.

To crush them into submission.

This is an ungodly response to a poor choice, and sets a terrible example. It usually doesn’t work for the long-term, and will give your teen the desire to take revenge; another inappropriate response. Never threaten or demean a teenager into changing their behavior. They might appear to make the change when they are around you, but behind your back they’ll do the opposite.

To change them into something or someone else.

Teens don’t change based on what their parents tell them. They change when they want to and in response to the consequences or pain they experience from making a bad decision. And most kids are already uncomfortable in their own skin, so telling them that they need to change to be accepted by you only makes them more confused and uncomfortable.

To threaten them.

Anything more than stating that a consequence will be applied should they step over the line is just bullying them. Empty threats are even worse. Your teen will come to know you don’t really mean what you say when you don’t enforce threatened consequences.

Now, here are appropriate motivations and goals to focus on as you have that talk:

To be clear and concise, and make sure your teen understands your concern for them.

To better understand your teen, or communicate you’d like to better understand them.

To give them rest from a wearying situation — yes, their transgressions can be emotionally burdensome.

To more clearly communicate your household beliefs, rules, and consequences.

To solve the problem at hand and prevent it from happening again.

You’ll notice that I positioned “To solve the problem” last on that list, not first. That’s because you’ll never get to really solving the problem unless you first work on the relationship. Problem-solving demands a good relationship and trust by your teen that you have their best interests at heart.

Please don’t hear me say that a parent should act subservient or apologetic to a teen when they are confronting inappropriate behavior. Say what you mean when you speak, and mean what you say, but choose words that won’t cause your teen to have to defend who they are as a person, and make sure your motivations are right.

I also recommend adding some levity to the discussion. It reduces the tension and allows you to focus on the issue without sounding angry or upset. And sometimes it doesn’t need to be a long drawn-out discussion. For instance, when I confront kids I usually do so with a big smile, saying something like, “Wow! You really blew it! What happened? ” Approaching it this way tends to make the teen respond, “Yeah, I guess I did.” Getting them to agree and take ownership for their mistake is a healthy first step. And asking them “what happened?” gives them an opportunity to respond and explain themselves without inferring that it was all their fault.

Did you see from this example that I didn’t attack their character nor them personally for making a mistake? In fact, if anything, I told them that they did a really good job of messing up! Moreover, I set them on a path to do a really good job of not messing up again in the future, because I then applied consequences, saying, “Well, I guess you already know that means you’ll be raking a lot of pine needles this week?” (one of the traditional consequence for kids in our residential program who step over the line). “Yeah, I guess so,” they’ll respond. Then, I let the consequences do the teaching. As they rake pine needles (without being entertained by their iPod, by the way) it gives them ample time to think about their behavior and ample reason not to repeat it.

After they complete the assigned consequence, we again have a chat. That’ s when I reassure them that the error is now forgotten and that it is water under the bridge; thereby restoring open communications. And I again express confidence in them that they have it within them to avoid making that mistake again. I might even offer some advice from my own mistakes in life to help them from making the same mistake again.

The way that you manage confrontation is more important than you may think. How you relate to and interact with your children at such pivotal times will determine the quality of your relationship with them in the future. How you stand with them even in their times of misbehavior will determine if your children will mature into caring, loving and responsible adults.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

What Do You Expect?

Do you ever wonder if you expect too much from your teen? Acting like you know what will help them, instead of truly learning how to best help them is like trying to become someone’s friend when it’s clear they have no interest. In that scenario, your cheerful invitations to get together with your friend are puzzling, because they refuse. Your phone calls to check-in or catch up with them are met with a cold shoulder. And any suggestions you make for having fun together are dismissed. You keep trying, and they keep refusing. In truth, they don’t want to be friends with you, for whatever reason.

The same can be true in your relationship with your troubled teen. You may be trying to connect with them in ways that simply make things worse, because you don’t know what you don’t know, and refuse to acknowledge that things in your relationship have changed.

Your denial about the truth of their problems is a big problem. Your unrealized expectations may be exactly what’s killing the relationship, or any possibility for one. In dealing with a troubled teen, parents do well to adjust their expectations in the face of their disappointments – not to support their wrong-doing, but to move forward in building the kind of relationship that will endure the troubled times.

Reframing your expectations for your teen should begin with you – ask yourself what you should and should not be handling on behalf of your troubled teen. For example, do you set yourself up for disappointment when trying to remind your child of an important work or school appointment, even though she has run away from home, been missing for two days, and you have to communicate the information by text because she won’t speak to you?

Ridiculous.

Does it bother you and make you more upset each time your child does not live up to your expectations in the areas of academics? So instead of letting him fail, you set the clock, wake him up, put his school bag into his hand, and drive him to school even though he’s skipped the last week of school and is failing in most of his classes?

Ridiculous.

Has your child lost your respect because she has an obvious problem with sexual purity, while your goal for her was to marry as a virgin and be monogamous, and in your way of thinking there is no way to regain a lost innocence? The truth affects your relationship so much, you act like nothing happened?

If this sounds like you, then it might be time to back off, and reconsider your expectations – for your child and for you.

When you expect someone to do something, and then that person doesn’t do it – it makes you disappointed, and even angry.

And when your child refuses to acknowledge their part in the failure, a parent’s anger can turn to bitterness. I’ve seen desperate parents set themselves up for repeated disappointments simply because they refuse to acknowledge the truth of a situation, and adjust their expectations accordingly.

The best help I can offer is to say that it’s really about acknowledging who is in control. Your teen is using his behavior to tell you – you are not in control anymore. And perhaps you are beginning to understand that this is true. Fortunately, God is in full control, and sees it all. So instead of fighting that losing battle, begin to decide what you can and cannot control in your relationship with your teen.

For example, you can’t force a child to believe what you believe, you can train them as best you can –but ultimately their choices are up to them. Just like God didn’t force Adam and Eve to choose differently, you cannot force your child to meet up with your expectations when they so clearly have no intention of doing so.

And at their point of failure, it is not your job to make things right for them. It is your job to adjust your expectations to meet with the real world consequences for how they choose to behave – and leave the decision to pursue a better path to them.

I’m not saying lower your standards. I am saying be more functional in your approach to your relationship to your teen. Don’t rescue them in their bad behavior; Don’t force their choices, or normalize their wrong-doing; Don’t tolerate manipulation, and above all – don’t act like you can rise above it on their behalf. You cannot.

All you can do is set the arena for which it becomes inviting for them to engage in the right ways. If you find yourself unable to stop rescuing, reminding, and reinventing the story to match up with your preferred version of history – then you have to ask yourself what it is about your own life that is affected by their refusal to comply? What is your motivation for having a certain expectation to begin with, and what is your motivation for refusing to acknowledge the truth of the problem you are dealing with?

As you look into your own heart, you may discover that being wrong about how you have parented, or missed something in your child’s heart is hard to embrace. Or, that being incorrect in your approach to their struggles is humbling, and admitting that you don’t know everything about your child takes supernatural strength. Rescuing when you should be holding to a higher standard of love causes you fear instead of telling the truth.

Whatever your motivation, ask God to help you get the expectations for your relationship with your teen in line with his expectations. He knows your heart, and he knows what needs to change. It’s a more humble approach to parenting, and one I believe works best for the long haul.

“People may think they are doing what is right, but the LORD examines the heart” (Proverbs 21:2 NLT).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Modeling Kindness in an Unkind World

Our world is a confusing place for kids. Nearly every day, our sons and daughters are confronted by some form of bullying, disrespect and a complete disregard for authority. These conflicting elements create an environment that makes it tough for teens to be kind. It’s hard to be gentle and meek when you’re constantly fighting against cultural trends and peer pressure.

If you’re like me, you can still remember bad stuff that happened from your teen years. I was bullied by a group of guys, and whenever the projector of my memory rolls the film on those ugly encounters, I still get emotionally wrapped up with anger.

As a parent, you might be the only authority in your child’s life to model how to engage in kindness.

Good parenting requires weaning our kids away from their childish dependence on us. It’s a long process of gradually taking away the creature comforts we once provided in order to force our teen to begin operating independently from us. Whether it’s drawing boundaries for them or coming to their rescue when something goes wrong, as they grow older, we need to employ an intentional plan for creating autonomy.

But when it comes to bullying, we need to take an active role of both protecting our teens and helping them understand the power of kindness and respect.

People in today’s society respond differently to failure than people have in previous generations. One reason is because we have greater access to information now than ever before. Technological advancement can be a good thing, but in this regard, it tends to be used for bad things. When someone fails, whether that’s a friend, a politician, an actor, or someone else, failure is instantaneously broadcasted over the World Wide Web. Any misstep, miscue, or hiccup can go viral in just a matter of seconds. Facebook alone allows for one negative comment to be shared with pretty much everyone in your social circle. This can be devastating for teens, and can cause them to lash out in a similar manner.

The benefit of these methods of communication, though, is that the same can happen with positive comments. As parents, we have the power to teach our teens how to show kindness in all of their interactions – both online and in person. The best place to start with this is in our home. Mom, dad, are you treating one another with love and respect? How are you showing kindness to the neighbors and others in your community? How are you treating your kids when they come home from school?

When your teen comes home from school and lashes out at you, it’s generally not disrespect. It’s spillover from their awful day because our kids don’t have a coping mechanism for what they experience on campus. When they show frustration, the best way to respond is with respect. Instead of shooting them down and correcting their actions, ask them to put words to their feelings. The biggest mistake we can make as a parent is to somehow telegraph to our teen some form of shame for the way they feel. We cannot change their feelings. Feelings are feelings.

If your teen rolls his eyes at you, ask him if you did something that caused frustration. Start a dialogue. Find out what motivated your child to do something disrespectful, and in doing so, you will accomplish two things. First, you will identify the root of the frustration, and second, you will model how to deal with conflict and frustration.

This doesn’t mean you are okay with your child showing you disrespect. I’m not saying you need to become a doormat for your child’s vitriol. I’m suggesting that you take a deep breath and try to drill down to the root of the problem without letting your own emotions escalate to a point where you cannot have a meaningful exchange with your child.

By showing genuine interest in the cause of their angst, you are surprising your teen with kindness and modeling how to have an adult conversation. Teens won’t expect you to move closer to them when they act disrespectful to you. They will expect your relationship to weaken. But when you engage them in relationship by talking calmly with them, you continue the opportunities to teach them kindness by showing them kindness.

Be prepared. When your teen finally opens up to you in a safe place, it won’t be easy to hear. Parenting teens is rarely a tidy process and usually a messy one.

If they blew up and showed disrespect to you, all that pent up emotion came from somewhere. When you successfully open up the lines of communication, your teen will take advantage of that open door in the future and they will begin to put words to their frustration. Once they get these emotions off their chest, you can objectively talk about the root cause of their disrespect, and this gives you an occasion to describe appropriate ways to show their feelings to you.

Remember, raising a child who is gentle and kind doesn’t mean we are creating a generation of wimps. Real men show respect. Real women are kind. And a mature teen should never be the recipient, nor the perpetrator, of bullying.

Our teens are heavily influenced by the culture that surrounds them every day. As parents, we have the golden opportunity to build a culture of kindness and respect in our home that will serve our teens for years to come.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR