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The Adopted Teen’s Quest for Identity

Adoption is obviously a better alternative to a child languishing “in the system” – living in foster care or an orphanage. That’s why I have worked many years with national and international adoption organizations whose goal is to match needy kids with great parents. As I’ve experienced these adoptions first hand, I firmly believe that God has His hand in every case. After all, God is the ultimate authority on adoption. I think He provides specific parents with specific children for specific reasons. It may be hard to believe, but God may have given you a child knowing that as a teen they would struggle, and that He would need you for such a time as this.

And, because I believe God maneuvers children into families, I also believe that God is prepared to help these new parents know what to do should their adopted child spin out of control in the teen years. Not all adopted kids go through this struggle, and usually not if they were adopted earlier in life, but many of the older kids do. God is a great example of how to restore an adopted child going through this struggle. His example of nurturing, understanding, love, patience, kindness, goodness, forgiveness and grace is the best pattern for helping them through their time of difficulty.

The drive for an adopted teen to uncover their history intensifies during the teen years, and they will do almost anything to get their questions answered. I’ve seen kids pull all kinds of stunts, including tracking down their birth parents through the Internet, contacting them unexpectedly, and even setting up a time to meet without ever telling their adoptive parents about it. I’ve witnessed them pay for cell phone numbers, contact attorneys to get help, and send photos to their birth parents — uninvited.

Adopted children face unique circumstances, and it is not unusual for them to struggle with issues surrounding their identity in the teen years. For their parents, the most difficult part is trying not to take their sudden confusion personally. This tussle isn’t about teenage rebellion as much as a struggle to answer questions about their history — who they are, why their birth parents gave them up, and what it means for their future. It isn’t that the teen no longer loves the adoptive parents and are no longer appreciative of all their new family has done for them. It’s that they are in confusion over how they got to where they are.

If you are an adoptive parent, your role is to continue to parent them with the same kind of love you’ve always held. Remember God’s example of nurturing, understanding, love, patience, kindness, goodness, forgiveness and grace. Don’t respond negatively because your feelings are hurt. Don’t say you’re giving up as their parent. And don’t try to “fix” the problem with giving the teenager more “things.” All of this only adds to an adopted teen’s mixed up sense of self and can lead to even more instability.

These kids need both time and stability to work through their issues. It is often a stage that they can work through and come out on the other side even more appreciative of their adoptive parents. In the meantime, they need their parents to remain steady and calm while they turn their world upside down in a quest to understand their history. And they may need professional help sorting it all out when the truth is finally made known. While not always true, your teen may discover that the circumstances of their adoption are not what they expected, and the history they uncover has potential to cause even more hurt. So, be watchful and take care to get your adopted teenager the kind of professional help they may need at this time in their life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

What If Your Teenager is Pregnant

If you ever get the news that your unmarried teenage daughter is pregnant, let me assure you of something… you will get through it, and God will honor His word to cause all things to work together for good.

I’ve seen what many would think be the worst of situations turned into the most wonderful of opportunities. Even though it isn’t what a parent would want, I’ve got to tell you… hearts turn, a teen matures in ways they would have never matured, and parents embrace their relationship with their daughter in ways they would have never thought possible.

I hope you will never hear such news from your teenage daughter, but if so, your thoughts should focus on the health of your daughter and her unborn child. Your daughter has got to be healthy to birth a healthy child, so stop at nothing to ensure that both of them are taken care of.

Then, your daughter and you have some life-changing decisions to make.

First, for your daughter, the main issue is whether to keep the child or give it to another loving family who longs for a child. Keeping the child will mean your involvement for many years to come, so you must be a part of that decision. And should she decide to give up the child, there are plenty of reputable adoption agencies that will help early on, including covering medical and legal expenses. Begin looking early and find one that all of you feel comfortable with.

For you, the grandparents of the unborn child, one of the decisions you’ll have to make is what your role will be once the baby arrives should your daughter decide to keep the child. Such roles need to be worked out well in advance.

And there is one thing I’d like to shed some light on. That’s the issue of whether or not you should agree to raise your daughter’s baby. Do you have a choice? You bet you do.

It is okay to say “no” to raising your daughter’s child. It’s okay to say that you just can’t do it. And the basis of that “no” can be that you just don’t want to, because it’s not what you had planned in life. As already mentioned, there is another option through adoption that would probably be better if this is the case. I’ve seen too many new grandmothers who are bitter and too many grandfathers that are angry that they’re having to spend their later years raising a grandchild. Such bitterness often translates into how the child is raised and whether or not they feel loved and accepted.

In an age where parents rescue their kids from every mess they get into, you need not feel obligated to fix this, even if the pregnancy was the result of circumstances beyond your daughter’s control. After all, the child has a great opportunity to be raised by loving and caring adoptive parents. That’s if the child is given up at birth. Things get a lot more complicated once the child is brought home.

BUT, let me also remind you of this. I’m a grandparent. One of the greatest joys in my life are my grandkids. I can’t fathom not raising one of my daughter’s (or son’s) kids and know that any one of the 4 grandkids I have would be given up for adoption. It’s a tough decision for some, it’s an easy decision for me… I think. My daughter wasn’t pregnant as a teen and I never had to make that decision, so it seems easy to tell others what to do. I haven’t been in that position.

So, make this decision with wise counsel and much prayer. I don’t want you to have regrets later in life that you missed the opportunity with your grandchild. My good friend, David Herrmann, who raised his grandson when his daughter was caught in her “mess” for a few years, has been an example of what sacrifice is about. Yet, he wouldn’t tell me it was a sacrifice… he would tell me that it was on obligation that he couldn’t deny or avoid. His daughter “came around”, is now married (I baptized her and had the honor to perform her wedding), and is a great mother to her son who spent the first seven years of his life with his grandparents.

Most of all, you have to be prepared in the event your daughter simply leaves the child for ol’ mom and dad to raise. That’s why if you don’t have the patience, finances or energy to raise your daughter’s child, it is better that you not commit to it. It’s my belief that the purpose of a good grandparent gets lost when there isn’t a mother performing the role that she is to play. And I’m not so sure that a couple’s senior years should be changed just because a daughter decides to heroically “keep” a child conceived out of wedlock, if adoption is a viable option.

But if you want to raise your daughter’s child, at least until she is able to take care of and support the child herself, then go for it! There’s nothing wrong with that option and I’ve seen many a grandparent make an excellent and wise parent. Sometimes it is a welcomed change for grandparents who miss having children around the house.

Just remember. One day, this turmoil will all pass and life will move on. So, continue to love your daughter no matter what she does. Even through this crisis she will get a sweet taste of the character of God, who promises that nothing she can do can separate her from Him, and hopefully, nothing she can do will separate her from you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The Answers Adopted Teens Seek

When an adopted child enters the adolescent years and their thinking transfers from concrete to abstract, they might begin asking that unanswerable question, “Why did my mother give me up?” At a time that most kids are trying to “find themselves” and form a concept and understanding of who they are and who they are not, the adoption card in their deck of options is one that is a mystery and a source of confusion for most (confusion is not a problem, but how they display that confusion might present a problem).

The hard part of all of this is that this transition of thinking happens around the 7th or 8th grade year when life is tough for any young teen. Having to deal with these pretty tough and deep issues at a time they’re having to transition into early adolescence would be a heavy overload for anyone. Thus the identity issues come to the surface.

What I have found through the years is that it is very easy to explain away the answer to the question with comments of “Your mother did what was right,” or, “She loved you enough to give you up,” or “Your mother wasn’t in a good place, and felt like you should be,” or, “Your mother wasn’t able to provide what she wanted you to have,” or, “Your mother was a mess, and didn’t want you to be.”

“Yeah, I know and understand, but she still gave me away, and left.”

Whatever the answer, and I don’t think any of the above are wrong, a parent must understand that there is a bigger question that looms with a child. I have heard many kids say to any or all of the above answers, “Yeah I know and understand… but she still gave me away, and left.” It is a lingering question of loss that I wonder, if it is ever answered for some. It is my experience that most adopted kids take about 10 to 15 years of abstract thinking to begin to process what this adoption thing is all about. This means that most don’t resolve the issue for themselves until they get into their mid-twenties.

Simply give an answer of, “You know, I don’t know.”

If this is true, then parents, during those teen years, must be content to allow loss to be a part of their child’s life. In God’s timing, issues will be dealt with. Not all of them have to be resolved in a child’s teen years, no matter how much we want them to have all the answers. Additionally, at times, more trouble can be caused by the tendency to answer every question a child poses, than to simply give an answer of, “You know, I don’t know.” Oddly, helping your child learn through your example that you don’t know all the answers to life will give them license to be able to live with some unknowns in theirs.

Adoption is riddled with acts of love by all involved. And once understood by the adopted child, they will understand the world of Scripture that uses the word “adoption” to describe the beautiful relationship between God and those that choose to be a part of His family… the One who desires to adopt us into His family. As pure and undefiled as this act is, the act of adoption can still have difficulties and struggles.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR