article Archives | Parenting Today's Teens | Radio Show & Podcast

Which Parent Are You? Part II

Okay, earlier this week I detailed some various types of parents in hopes of helping us all realize that no parent is perfect, and there are always ways to improve who we are and how we come across.

This article is a continuation of that. If you weren’t able to read the one published a few days ago, click here, and read it first. I’ve exaggerated a bit of the descriptions to make it a little easier to “swallow” who you might really be, or how your child perceives you.

Here’s the next set of parents. Which one are you?

Spiritual Stan (identical twin to Bible Bob)

Stan loves the Lord, possesses wonderful biblical wisdom, yet looses his effectiveness in communicating with his teens because he’s more concerned about how he appears spiritually rather than showing interest in the life of his children. In other words, he’s more concerned about the appearance of the messenger than the crucial-ness of his message. And he can’t be challenged with because he possesses the answer, and any attempt for discussion only ends up in an argument. Stan believes that the now antiquated way of instilling the Truth by telling, trumps the great need of his teens to have this wisdom shared. Many times, Stan is so determined to have to be “right” because he feels the only alternative to talking about scripture can never be wrong. Well intended, Stan talks about his love for the Lord and scripture in such a way that doesn’t allow for discussion, the critical way to engage with teens wanting to learn to process the Truth.

Here’s what you can do to change the perception of yourself, Stan.

If the Gospel is being lifted up and its not drawing people to it, then there’s something wrong in the presentation or with the messenger. I think we all have to figure this one out for our self. How we present the Truth that we know to be true is important. And as kids move into their teen years, we’ve got to allow them to wrestle a bit with what they know to be true, and learn how to apply it to their lives. It’s okay to let them struggle a bit with learning how to take all the truth given to them and assimilating it into their life. We don’t have to push, because they’ll seek. So the atmosphere I create is key to the invite of having your teen engage, knowing their questions, comments, reflections, and answers won’t be shot down every time they “process” out loud. Rightly handling scripture should invite participation, not discourage it.

Never Wrong William (aka: Always Right Willy)

Willy is never wrong. He’s always got to be right. So anyone that might make him even appear to be wrong becomes an adversary that must be verbally crushed. He knows everything, about everything. Most people feel that there’s not much need for a discussion because Willy already knows the answer. And if a discussion begins, he dominates the verbal exchange by being a know-it-all, who needs nothing from the other. He spends little time listening, and most of his time figuring out how he should appropriately respond. A discussion with a mirror would be of more benefit to Willy than wasting the time of a teen who deep down knows that this dad really won’t ever hear anything that he says… because this dad is so bent to always be right. And if he’s right, then any other comments or reflections are treated as wrong.

Here’s some help for you, Willy.

Willy…. you can’t always be right, and you’ll never always be wrong. And people know that you possess a great amount of knowledge. So use that knowledge for good so that others are attracted to your timely words, your deep intelligence, and godly wisdom. But, no one likes to be around someone who’s never wrong. So flavor your conversation with comments like “I may be wrong, but I think….” , or “You know, you’re right… I’m wrong,” or “I don’t know,” even when you do know… just so you can engage with folks and not make them feel stupid because they can’t keep up with your intellect.

Trainer Tom

Tom gets it. This is one dad who understands that he must switch parenting style from teaching to training. Instead of having everything depend on him, he realizes that his purpose of his parenting during the adolescent years is to prepare his kids for the next stage of life. He takes advantages of opportunities to transfer wisdom through allowing his teens to observe, reflect, and experience different parts of his life. He spends more time in discussion than trying to compete with Siri. He spends more time letting his kids make decisions; less time deciding everything for them. More time listening, less time talking. Gives fewer answers, asks more questions. Tom pushes his teen to independence on Him, and less time on him. He allows consequences to have their full effect when rules have been broken, and spends more time engaging in relationship. Trainer Tom allows experiences to speak for itself, and daily interactions to become the platform for displaying a daily walk with the Lord. Tom gets it. And his kids love him dearly because they know he truly has them as the focus.

Tom, here’s my comments to you, my friend.

Way to go, Tom. Seems like you’ve got this parenting thing down.

Teacher Trish

Mom Trish doesn’t leave a stone unturned. She never stops and is always looking for a new way to teach her teens a new lesson. She does it with a tenacity that would almost show that she would have very little value in the life of her kids unless she is doing her “mom program” as if she were competing for some world “mother of the year” award. Now, don’t get me wrong. She wants good things for her kids and wants to be a good mom, but her kids ignore her because they want a mom, not just a teacher. Trish doesn’t realize that not every teachable moment needs to be a time of teaching. Familiar comment from her kids would be, “Stop, mom”, “Mom, not now”, or “We get it, Mom”. Trish doesn’t realize that too much teaching douses the flames of wanting to learn. She also doesn’t realize that what all kids want first is a mom who can teach instead of a teacher that can occasionally do the “mom thing.”

Here’s some good lessons for you to learn, Trish.

You are to be applauded for your desire to be thorough. And there are a million lessons to teach teens, especially in a culture where we’re all concerned about our kids knowing enough to survive. But it’s okay to back it up a few notches and trust what you’ve taught yours kids will “stick”. And, know that God is involved in the life of your teen as well. You can rest in the job that you’ve done with them and now allow them to come to you with questions, rather than you going to them constantly with answers. The teachable moments NOW that will stick are the ones that are demonstrated through your life as they observe, reflect, and experience life with you. This is how they learn now. So don’t push them away with teaching times and miss out on the opportunity on the training experiences that they NOW so desperately need. Put as much effort in trainable moments, on their terms, as you have in your teaching opportunities, and you’ll be a parent who will never be forgotten.

Perfectionist Pam

Pam doesn’t think that she communicates how she wants her daughter to be perfect. But her daughter would tell you otherwise. Pam portrays herself as perfect. All is good, everyone is doing well, and her life is lined up perfectly. She doesn’t know it, but people feel uncomfortable around her. They feel judged just by being in her presence. Her kids couldn’t tell you where their mom has made a mistake, nor can they tell you one wrong thing in her life. What is presented is that she has it all together, struggles with nothing, all is well. How her teenage kids would love to see a flaw, or imperfection to feel that it’s okay that they can have flaws in their life. Pam doesn’t know it, but if she would ask her kids if they thought she wanted them to be perfect, she would be surprised. It’s not her intent, but she subtly demands those around her to be perfect, because she show’s no imperfection. Pam’s perceived perfection pushes her kids away. And Pam, can’t understand why her kids want to hang out with those “imperfect kids”. What she doesn’t know is that her kids find rest in those “imperfect kids”, because they identify more with imperfection than perfection.

Oh Pam, I know it’s hard to improve on perfection, but here are some thoughts that might help.

It’s time to start showing some of your imperfections to your kids. Share some of your “mistake” stories and let them know that you’re not perfect. You don’t have to give them all the details and you must use discretion in your storytelling, but you must let them know that you’re not perfect, they’re not perfect, and all of you won’t be this side of heaven. And do this also. Flavor your speech with comments like “I don’t want you guys to be perfect…” or “I know I may sound like I want perfect kids but that’s not what I’m saying.” You have probably become accustomed to verbiage that you use that conveys perfection. Identify what that is and stop it. Ask your kids what it is about you and your words that bothers them the most. Tell them they have to be brutally honest. Whatever they say, don’t correct, change, or justify their answer or reflections. Just listen. And even if they’re wrong. Stop doing it. It will help you engage with them so they can hear all the wisdom that you possess.

Judgmental John

John doesn’t really think he’s judgmental. He truly believes that he’s just sharing his faith and giving good guidance and direction to his teenage kids. Little does he know that they think he’s the most judgmental person in their world. John’s trying to share biblical truth and principled living ideas with his teenage kids, but they perceive him as cutting down those around them. John doesn’t intend to be judgmental, but his kids perceive him as that. He doesn’t intend to push them away by presenting Biblical truth, but they are more distant today than they ever have been. And John is confused. He’s confused why he feels so far away from his kid’s heart, when he tries so hard to communicate truth and wisdom to them. He’s stuck. And he’s really as frustrated as his kids are. Perception is truth to the one who perceives. And John’s kids perceive something different than what John really intends.

If you kids feel like you’re a judgmental person in their life, here are some thoughts that might help.

John, if your teens feel like you’re being judgmental of them or their friends they’ll shut you out. And if they shut you out, they’ll shut down all you stand for, missing out on the great wisdom you need to transfer to them. Standards, principles, and values when conveyed in a perceived judgmental way these days are pretty inflammatory so it’s important to learn how to get your ideas principles across without judgment. Do this. Flavor your speech with comments like “I don’t mean to be judgmental, but what do you think about…”, or “I know I might sound like I’m speaking down to this, but…”, or “Don’t take this as judgmental, but…”. These statements many times will diffuse the judgment perception if your teens feel like you are.

Critical Chris – (cousin to Pointer Paul)

Chris is good in the workplace. He’s a problem solver. He spends his days solving problems, and doing what men do best… fix things. He’s on a daily mission to search and destroy problems and to detect and destroy anything that would interfere with the mission of his workplace environment. And he’s good at it. Matter of fact, he’s one of the best. But when he comes home and does that same, he’s destroying his family. Chris hasn’t realized that what makes him good in the workplace will destroy his relationships with family members at home. Chris’ cousin, Pointer Paul is the same way. He gets home and all he does it point out things that are wrong. After a while, the teens in the home ignore all he is saying and eventually ignore the once close relationship they’ve all had. Chris and Paul don’t understand that their pointing out and detection of problems communicates tenuous atmosphere where everyone has to walk on eggshells, and be careful on what expose of themselves, fearful that someone might detect and point out their problems.

Chris! You’ve got to quit… you’re killing your kids and ruining your relationship with them. Here are some thoughts; please don’t pick this apart (Ha!)

To the two cousins, Critical Chris and Pointer Paul, I would tell you to only correct your kids on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I know that you’re good as seeing faults, but you have to be better at bridling your tongue so that you don’t discourage your teen’s presence in your life. No one likes to be criticized all the time, nor have areas of needed improvement point out continually. This may work in your child’s earlier years, but it doesn’t in the teen years.

Nagging Nancy

Nancy nags, pesters, irritates, and badgers people around her. Her teenage kids feel like its harassment. They are constantly told what they’ve done wrong, what they need to do different, and how they can do it better. They know that they’ll never be good enough, that their attempts will never be appreciated, and their efforts will always be futile. Nancy feels justified in her comments and as she really believes that it is her role to point out issues. And she’s frustrated because she can’t see anything but that which is wrong, or could be done better. What she’s finding out is that her kids begin to lie to her or say whatever is necessary to get the dripping faucet to stop. And the bigger problem is that her kids will shut her down and miss out on all the wisdom she could share. That wisdom gets lost in all the noise. Nancy’s got to give it a break or she’ll break the spirits of her kids and spouse.

Nancy, let me give you a bit of advice that all parents would do well to hear.

It’s time to turn off the dripping faucet before you flood those you love with critical constancy that will only drown your relationship with them. Scripture says “A fool delights in airing his opinion” and also states “Even a fool appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut”. It’s time to do both. And reason is that if you continue to nag, a habit that is easily to develop, your family will miss out on all the great wisdom and encouragement that you have to offer. So tonight, around the dinner table, ask your family a question. Tell them that you want to quit being a “nag” and ask them for ways that you can break your habit. It’s a hard question, but one that will enhance your relationships with each of your family members.

Well that’s about all the types of parents that I know. How did you fare? What’s important here is to ask that question that is found in the book of Psalms. “Lord, search me, know my heart, and see if there is any hurtful way in me…” There’s nothing wrong with some introspection, and things can only get better will a little self evaluation.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and four grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas, with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, two llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy.

His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with more than 2,800 teens has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents. You can find out more about Heartlight at HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.

Mark is also the host of the radio program Parenting Today’s Teen; heard on over 1,600 radio outlets nationwide. Visit ParentingTodaysTeens.org where you’ll find more parenting resources and find a station near you that carries the daily 60-second features or the 30-minute weekend program. Download the Parenting Today’s Teens App for Apple or Android, it’s a great way to listen on your schedule.

The Cure for the Diva Syndrome

Mom and dad, don’t look now, but a dangerous infection might be running rampant in your home. This contagion can infiltrate your life, gain control, and rule your family with sarcasm and incessant demands. Now, you may not recognize this disease at first. That’s because this fiendish infection disguises itself, using your teen as its innocent host. The scientific name of this virus is bratticus narcissitcus; but my friend Bill Ziegler (a school district superintendent) calls it, “The Diva Syndrome.” And it can wreak untold damage on your home and family.

All kidding aside, many parents are facing teens who exhibit narcissistic and self-absorbed characteristics. Their children wake up every day with one thought: “What is everybody going to do for me today?” But here’s the truth; all teens are pre-disposed to be divas! It’s part of our sinful nature to think that everyone is working for me and everything is “Mine!” No one has to teach us to be selfish. We’re born that way. Just watch how toddlers reach for every toy they see and get upset when they don’t get what they want.

Perhaps the symptoms of selfishness, pride, and conceit aren’t that pronounced in your teen. Maybe it’s just a phrase, right? Wrong! A me-first outlook is not something teens simply grow out of. And when your son or daughter carries this selfish attitude into the next stage of life, the consequences are a lot more severe.

So how can you transform that selfish diva into a caring person? Here’s a few practical pointers.

Make It Uncomfortable

I get it. As moms and dads we want to give our kids the best things in life. If we didn’t have it growing up, we want to make sure our kids do. However, we have to be careful. Provision can quickly transform into enabling. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves, “If I give this to my teen, will it help her become a responsible adult or enable her to be a pampered kid?”

Sure, you can give your sixteen-year-old a car when she gets her license. But would handing over the keys teach her a valuable lesson about working and saving? Instead of taking your teen to the dealership, strike up a deal. You’ll pay for half of the car, and they have to pay the other half. This method is not as comfortable or as easy as simply giving a teenager what they want, but in this way, we’re actually helping our kids. We’re giving them the opportunity to gain necessary skills for the future. We’re training them to do the hard work that it takes to get what they want. And don’t you think your daughter will appreciate that car all the more because it’s her money that helped pay for it? You bet!

If you are providing for your teen’s every need and want: Stop! You’re simply feeding the diva syndrome! Push your teens out of the center of their universe by giving them assignments around the house to pay for cell phones, earn money for sneakers, and save for the class trip. Or encourage them to take an after-school job in order to provide for themselves in some capacity. Let them feel the satisfaction of hard work and reward. Stop enabling your child and you’ll train them out of their inner diva.

Share Those Feelings

The classic symptom of a diva is a callous disregard for other people’s feelings. A teenager displays this nastier side when they treat others with scorn or derision, or are rude and sarcastic. But insensitive behavior doesn’t mean your teen is missing a heart. We’re all born with the ability to empathize, but like a muscle, if we don’t exercise it, our empathy atrophies.

I know parents who have told me, “My kid is my whole world.” That’s a dangerous value system, moms and dads. When we allow our kids to be the center of the universe, we’re not giving them the opportunity to place other’s feelings and concerns above their own. And so that empathy muscle stagnates and is replaced by a superiority complex. Philippians 2:3 tells us, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” This is a needed lesson we can help our teens live out.

When disrespect rears its ugly head, point out the negative behaviors your teen is displaying, and describe how they make you feel. Start by saying something like, “You cannot call me stupid. Not only is that extremely hurtful to hear from someone I care about, it’s disrespectful. It makes me feel like my opinions and values are not important.” Explain how insults, put-downs, and sarcastic remarks can damage other people.

Let your teen practice empathy in the home as often as possible. A friend of mine came up with an ingenious way to give the compassion muscles in his kids a workout. He told each of his sons that before they could take a girl out on a date, they had to take their mom out first. They had to open doors, pay for meals, engage in conversation, and conduct themselves as gentlemen. If mom didn’t give them an “A” on the date, they would have to try again next month, until they could learn how to treat a lady on a date. The boys quickly learned how to value someone above themselves, and slowly destroyed that diva inside. Plus, those young men became the boyfriends that every girl wants to date!

Require Contribution

It seems to me that many young people today have a sense of selfish entitlement, looking to take rather than looking to contribute. It’s a generation of kids who have grown up believing that simply by existing, they deserve all the world offers. But this trend can be reversed. All it takes are parents who have the courage to require their kids to make a contribution.

What does that look like? It could be something as simple as mandating chores around the house. Teens can pull their own weight by doing household chores each day. Also, allow them input into family decisions, like where to vacation, where to go out for dinner, or what charity to support each year. One dad I know makes sure that each of his teens donates to an organization that works with needy children all over the world. His teens are empowered as they see the dramatic difference their small contributions have on the lives of children in other parts of the world.

That selfish diva in your house needs to go. That doesn’t mean you throw out your son or daughter. But it does mean your teen needs you to train them to drive out their narcissistic nature. We’re all prone to be selfish and self-serving. But these habits can be broken, and, with guidance and practice, your teen can transform from a selfish diva into a giving, caring person.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Getting the Help You Need, When You Need It

I recently received a letter from a mom and dad who attended one of our Family in Crisis retreats last year. I was touched and excited about the amazing changes that had occurred in this family’s life, and I wanted to share it with you. They, like most families caught in crisis situations, found their family in a downward spiral after raising the kids in a godly home. Things went well for most of their kids; not so well for one of their daughters. This is how they described the situation in the letter:

“At that time we probably fit 10 out of 10 of the most critical warning signs that things had really gone awry in our family. Our 15-year-old daughter seemed to be in a continuous downward spiral, exhibiting every kind of negative behavior from disrespect, angry outbursts, and excessive risk taking, to depression, poor grades, and open rebellion. Drugs, alcohol, and sexual promiscuity were all elements of her behavior as well. She didn’t seem to care about anything or anyone. She had no friends, no relationships outside of our family, and she was rejecting every moral and spiritual principle we had ever held. Her mood swings kept us all on an emotional roller coaster. For months we lived with the fear of potential suicide. We couldn’t sleep, eat, make any plans; we could barely function.”

If you’ve been there, you know the feelings of what this family is talking about. And in a world where options for kids spinning out of control are somewhat limited, I was thankful that there was an option that didn’t mean a teen had to leave home, and that parents weren’t going to have a spend a fortune getting their family straightened out.

I spend most of time now helping prevent families from ever having to send their child away to get the help they need. For those who don’t know, besides the books, articles, radio programs, and speaking events I’m involved with, I am also the Executive Director of a program that I founded 28 years ago, Heartlight. It is a residential counseling program for 60 teens. I take what I have learned from all of the 2,500 kids that have lived with us, and share that through any medium I can to apply these “lessons learned” to as many as possible.

Last year, I decided to donate my time to 8 retreats that we hold at Heartlight, which is just out my back door. These retreats are called Families in Crisis Conferences, and are they the first step for families that are in crisis to find a resolution. So I encourage everyone struggling with a teen to come to these events, not because I make money (I don’t receive a dime), but because I think you’ll find answers to the situation that you are in, find some new ways to address your family’s issues, and gain a new sense of hope. Here’s what this family did:

“We attended the Families in Crisis Retreat at Heartlight in Longview, Texas, and it was as if someone had thrown us a life rope when we were floundering in the middle of a stormy ocean. Mark’s books were extremely helpful and served as our constant resource as we persevered toward restoration for our family. We began to implement the things we had learned.”

I truly think that these lessons I have learned through the years from teens and families I have been involved with can be applied to any family today, and either prevent this current teen culture from having a devastating effect on your child, help you prepare your child for their upcoming teen years, or help you resolve issues that have been created because of this sometimes damaging adolescent atmosphere. This family who wrote, directly attributes the change in their son to what they learned from our input:

“Our son will soon be entering his last semester of high school with the anticipation of graduating in May. Things are SO much better now than they were before we attended the retreat. He has become a fun, funny, thoughtful, respectful, helpful, obedient young man, who is a joy to be around. Almost everywhere we go, he walks with his arm around one of us, continuously tells us how proud of us he is, and how thankful he is to have us as his parents. We no longer dread every day. In fact, we look forward to them. We laugh all the time, and enjoy each other every day. Months ago, we didn’t know if we could all continue to live in the same house. Now we’re really going to miss him when he leaves! Thank you Mark for giving us hope, and the skills we needed, to get things back on track.”

Again, I’m not trying to sell you anything. I am trying to get you to take advantage of some of the resources that we provide. Because I live “right there” I invite all the participants over to eat dinner at my home on one of the nights. Please don’t hesitate to call us at 903-668-2173 to find out more about this opportunity, or visit www.FamilyCrisisConference.com for additional information and upcoming dates.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR