As parents, we’re rightfully shocked when our son or daughter acts out. But if we look behind the inappropriate behavior, we may find their activities are only a symptom of a larger issue. In this article, I’ll provides a behind-the-scenes look at why teens behave the way they do and how to address the source of these inappropriate behaviors.

Questions to Ask
When teens misbehave, it’s understandable why parents want to address the bad behavior and give consequences to make it stop. While you need to control your teen’s behavior, you also need to figure out what’s motivating it or else it will continue into your teen’s next stage of life. So first and foremost you need to ask: What’s the motivation for the behavior?

All behavior is goal oriented. There is a reason for your teen’s choices and actions. There is intent behind why they are they choosing this behavior rather than another. Is something wrong that they’re trying to fix? Did something happening that they’re trying to change? Do they want relief from pain? Are they trying make someone hear their message? Or are they simply trying to show their independence? Parents also need to ask themselves if their teen’s behavior is a response to something that you may have done as a parent. Is their behavior an attempt to get your attention? Consider what your teen was hoping to accomplish through his actions.

You may think your teen has everything he needs, but quite often teens feel they are missing out on something––attention, acceptance, or close relationships, just to name a few––and teens will do a lot of surprising and shocking things in order to get what they need. So find out what your teen is missing that would motivate them to violate their own principles, and your family’s values, in order to carry out inappropriate actions. Whatever you teen is doing, the first step is to discover the real reason for your teen’s behavior.

Practical Ways to Get to the Root of the Problem
It sounds simple, but start by asking your teen why he’s doing what he is doing. You may not know until you ask! Too often parents and teens have been avoiding direct conversations because it’s uncomfortable or they don’t want to get into an argument. Tell your teen what you’ve observed about his behavior and ask him to explain. And try not to be shocked, angry, and judgmental. You want your teen to feel comfortable to talk to you about what’s really going on and why they are making the choices that they are making—so receive their answers with compassion, love, and humility. You’ll have time to tell them your opinions later, but right now you need to let your teen talk, while you listen.

I’ll admit that even when you ask your teen directly, the reality is that sometimes they may not be able to clearly verbalize their goal. In fact, they may not understand why they are doing the things they are doing yet. So you may have to look for clues—in their comments, in their online posts, with their friends, or changes in behaviors, etc. You can learn a lot about your teen by looking for clues to reveal the core issue.

Even when you’re asking questions and looking for clues, sometimes teen behavior is hard to figure out and you may need to engage the help of a counselor. Another trusted adult can help your teen open up about what’s really going on. A counselor may be able to uncover hidden motivations better than Mom or Dad.

Conclusion
Hey moms and dads … behavior consists of a series of actions that are all intertwined and displayed in hopes of attaining something your teen doesn’t have. Your teen doesn’t really need anything that they already have, so the challenge of every parent is to determine what your teen needs. What is motivating your teen? Find out by asking why they do what they do, and then getting to the core issue that your teen is trying to solve. The parent that comes alongside their teen to help them attain their goal will be more effective than the one that’s just bent on stopping certain behaviors. As always, you need to convey this message: There is nothing you can do to make me love you more and there’s nothing you can do to make me love you less. It’s a message that your teen not only needs to know, but he needs to experience from you.