Does your teen prefer to hide out in his room with a big “stay out” sign hung on his door? If your struggling to convince your teen to participate in family activities you’re not alone. In this article, I’ll explain why teens tend to self-isolate and what parents can do to break through the barrier.
WHY do teens isolate?
Lots of teens withdraw from their families, and there are numerous reasons. They may be trying to get more privacy and independence, seeking time to relax, or creating a place of retreat from the world. At the same time, in today’s world, lots of teens attempt to pull away from family members in order to use phones and social media to remain connected with friends, away from prying eyes. And yes, there are some teens try to avoid conflict and correction by hiding behind their bedroom door. It’s nothing new and not necessarily a cause for concern. But whatever the reason, you can––and should––require your teen to send time with family. Don’t let your son or daughter shut you out! Your job is to figure out what’s motivating this change in behavior and help draw your teen’s heart back into the home.
HOW Can Parents Reach Out to an Isolated Teen?
(1) Try to understand the motivation. Uncovering the reason why your teen is isolating will help determine the way you move toward your teen. For example, if a teen is isolating because he wants to connect with his friends, you can establish boundaries for phone usage and allow times when this is permissible, along with times when the phones are off limits. Your approach will look different if your teen is isolating because he’s avoiding conflict. To find out what’s causing your teen to pull away, you will need to open up a conversation and really listen to what he says without judgment, seeking to truly understand his motives.
(2) Create a welcome atmosphere. Every teen wants to feel comfortable, welcome, and accepted. So make your home one where your teen wants to be––a place of rest and comfort from the outside world. This might mean making physical changes to your home to make it a place to hang out together. Ask your teen for his thoughts! But, if you are not willing to make reasonable changes, your teen will go outside of your home in search of a place of acceptance.
(3) Spend regular time together. Even if your teen is sending out signals that she wants to be left alone, trust me, your teen wants a relationship with you! Don’t wait for her to ask. Instead, initiate a plan to carve out time to be together, even if it’s awkward at first, even if you have to require that your teen spend time with you. It will become easier and more joyful as you talk and rebuild your relationship.
(4) Be honest about your own mistakes and how you want to change. It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing your own childhood with the experience of your teen, or having an unrealistic and rosy view of your past, while looking down on your teen. But a genuine and humble attitude will be much more welcoming to your teen than preaching from a “perfect” parent. As you share your struggles and how you overcame them, you are giving your teen hope that he can overcome his troubles too!
(5) Live in your teen’s shoes for a while. Take some time to think about what your teen is going through from his perspective. Consider why he is escaping from family life and from others. Imagine yourself in their position. Then communicate compassion for your teen growing up in today’s world! Remember that you have received grace from your Heavenly Father.
(6) Find something to laugh about together. If your teen is isolating, it’s likely that things at home feel serious and uncomfortable for everyone. So a little laughter can go a long way to lighten the mood! It’s okay to not take everything so seriously. Sometimes laughter and fun is what’s needed to reconnect.
Conclusion
Hey moms and dads … I’m sorry. All your teens’ actions are motivated by something in their life that they believe is needed, missing, lost, or has been taken away. Their behavior is a visible expression of the invisible issues happening in their lives right now, and some of those issues may be causing them to isolate themselves. The greatest need your teen has is not simply to get more involved with others and your family; your teen needs to determine and understand for themselves what’s pushing the behavior that you see. They do what they do for a reason. Smart parents will spend more time trying to find out why and helping their teen to understand what’s happening, rather than just trying to change behavior. They may be scared to death, and your constant pushing and encouraging them to “get back out there,” may just be scaring them more. Instead, commit your time and offer your help. Find out why they’re disengaging so you can start engaging with your teen on a deeper level, offering your real concern to a teen who may feel hopeless.
