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Helping Your Teen Cope with Loss

It takes time for any person to work through grief and loss. But with teens, it’s especially hard to know how to help when they’re mourning. In this article, I’ll offer a list of DOs and DON’Ts when dealing with teens who are coping with loss.

 

DON’T: Disregard Your Teen’s Loss Because You Can’t See It
DO: Become a Safe Place

 

Whether their loss is life-changing and traumatic, or normal pains of adolescence, loss can be one of the most significant motivations for a teen’s behavior—especially inappropriate behavior. But sometimes parents have trouble pinpointing these losses because teens don’t tell us what’s really going on. If teens aren’t going to come to us, then we must go to them. You may need to do some investigating, by entering their world and asking what’s going on, to uncover their hurts. Sometimes the loss is simply that life isn’t turning out in the way they hoped. Whatever it is, show genuine interest in your teen’s feelings. Let them know that they can tell you anything. Then when they talk to you, respond with compassion, grace, and love.

 

DON’T: Try to Change Behavior Without Dealing with Loss
DO: Focus on the Cause Rather Than the Symptoms

 

Parents who try to punish and control their teens’ behavior, without also addressing the motivation behind it, will end up dealing with the loss later—and perhaps with more serious consequences. Unresolved loss is never resolved merely through the passage of time. Only by getting to the root issue will the symptomatic behavior begin to change. Instead of talking about the behavior, ask your teen questions about why they are making inappropriate choices. They may not be able to explain it themselves, but as you listen you will better understand what’s really going on and how to coach your teen to deal with loss in a healthy way.

 

DON’T: Add to Your Teen’s Burden With Shaming Words
DO: Acknowledge Your Teen’s Feelings and Come Alongside With Encouragement

 

Comments like “I told you so” or “You should have listened to me” are discouraging and might cause your teen to shut down even more. Instead, allow your teen to express how he feels without dismissing his feelings or blowing them up. Simply acknowledge them and come alongside with encouragement. As your teen shares his feelings, pay careful attention to what your teen is saying by being an active and compassionate listener. Remember, you have the ability to offer your hurting teen a message of hope, a relationship, wisdom, and perhaps a taste of something beyond themselves!

 

DON’T: Expect Your Teen to “Get Over” Loss Within a Time Frame
DO: Give Your Teen Freedom and Time to Respond

 

Give your teen the freedom and time to respond to loss. They need to let off emotional steam, but that doesn’t mean you allow emotions to control your teen and destroy your home. Just give them permission to come undone once in a while. As they express their pain, move toward them relationally. These painful times can be the opportunity you need to draw closer in relationship as you share the pain together. Remember, that you and your teen are not the same. People respond to losses in various ways, but the place to start connecting is always the same––you start where they hurt. No matter what the loss, God is able to fill the voids in your teen’s life. Don’t give up. Keep praying for your teen and trusting God.

 

Conclusion
Hey moms and dads … we all experience losses and we all respond in so many different ways. I can guarantee you that your teen won’t respond to losses the same way that you do. Most parents spend way too much time dealing with the behavior produced by losses in a teen’s life and don’t spend nearly enough time dealing with the actual loss an adolescent has experienced. If you focus on the behavior, then you’ll only postpone the resolution of your teen’s issues to a later time. If you focus on the loss, you’ll change their heart, change their behavior, and change the trajectory of their life. So deal with the empty spaces that your teen is trying to fill with their inappropriate behavior and you’ll deepen your relationship with your broken-hearted teen. Be to your teen who God has been to you, and love them in ways that He has loved you.

Author: Mark Gregston

Mark Gregston began working with teens more than 40 years ago as a youth minister and Young Life director. He has authored nearly two dozen books, has written hundreds of articles, and is host of the nationally-acclaimed Parenting Today’s Teens podcast and radio broadcast.