Do you wish your teen would spend more time with the family and less time on his phone? Are you wondering if your son or daughter has crossed the line from normal use to addictive abuse? In this article, I’ll answer common questions about teens and phones, and help parents set healthy boundaries.
Why Do Teens Spend So Much Time on Phones?
Parents and grandparents universally agree that most teens spend too much time on phones. So what are they really doing online? Well, it’s a lot more than a phone. It’s how teens keep up with their friends, stay connected, and entertain themselves. They’re engaging with the world in the best way they know how. At the same time, social media and entertainment are creating a world of comparison that can steal your teen’s contentment.
When Should Parents Give Their Teens a Phone?
I get in trouble for saying this, but your teen needs a phone, and the sooner the better. He needs to learn how to master a phone rather than becoming a slave to its enticement. Without a phone, teens today can’t easily create friendships and stay connected. Instead of keeping your teen away from phones, train your teen how to use it properly. Teens need access to a phone early, but that doesn’t mean they need to be online or use apps early. By starting early, you can help your teen learn how to take control of his own phone usage, instead of it controlling him.
What is “Normal” Teen Usage of a Phone?
Studies say that teens spend an average of 10 hours a day looking at a screen. Some will binge watch, while others will pick up the phone every fifteen minutes just to check what’s happening online. While most parents think their teens are “addicted” to their phones, it’s important to recognize why teens are spending so much time with their device. They’re looking for connection and entertainment to fill in the gaps from what’s lacking in their lives. So you can help your teen learn how to build relationships face-to-face and try new hobbies, sports, and activities to fill up their time, and get their phone usage get under control.
Setting Healthy Boundaries for Teens and Phone Usage
Decide what needs to change. Think about the specific things that need to change. Is your teen missing out on family time? Is he silent during meals because he’s glued to his device? Is he losing sleep because of late night texting? Moms and dads need to decide what behaviors need changing before they start barking at their teens about being on the phone “all the time.” Complaining, criticizing, and comparing will only damage your relationship with your teen. Instead, figure out specific places and times when the phone is off limits––perhaps mealtimes, family time, or late night.
Put rules around what needs to change. Be clear about the changes you want. Have a family conversation about these changes, before they go into effect, to explain why these changes are taking place and so that everyone knows what to expect. Then stick with the plan. Consider spending family time together doing something your teen enjoys when the phones are off limits, to help your teen experience in-person family fun.
Map out the consequences. When your teen doesn’t follow the rules, there must be consequences and they must be consistent. Parents of younger teens need to monitor teen’s online activity very carefully, reading text messages and reviewing screen time. But as your teen gets older, you need to give him more freedom and independence online, as they learn how to manage this device.
Expect some resistance. No surprise––your teen might not like putting down her phone! She might become angry or complain that she’s bored because she wants to connect with friends and be entertained. So be prepared with new ideas and a patient and graceful attitude. When you do see growth in your teen––when she is participating in activities offline and spending time with the family––give her approval and encouragement.
Ideas for How to Connect with Your Teen Even When They’re on the Phone a Lot
Your teen wants relationships and he wants a real relationship with you! So be willing to reach out to your teen in the “digital world” as well as the “real world.” During those times when your teen is allowed to use the phone, consider having some fun together. Your teen is texting, sending videos and memes with their friends, so why not try having fun that way too! Find games and videos you can watch together or send your teen text messages. Then, when the phones are put away, don’t just leave them alone, take your teen out for boba or a meal just to talk, ask questions, and listen. At first, you might have to coach your teen on how to have a “real” conversation in person. Help your teen see that real conversations affirm relationships like nothing else!
Conclusion
Hey moms and dads … phones aren’t going away. The enticement of entertainment isn’t going to stop. The connecting that happens through social networking sites isn’t leaving. Your teen’s ability to balance it all must be developed through your encouragement, boundaries, and age-appropriate limits, so they can learn to integrate this connection and entertainment device into their life without being consumed. It’s important for you to come up with ways to entertain offline, offer an alternative to what’s attracting them to a screen. It’s equally important that you give them a taste of what a real relationship looks like. That will only happen through the time that you pour into their life. Place the reasonable limits, offer alternatives, and dig deeper into areas of their life that makes them want to spend more time with you and less time on the phone.
